Spending more time with existing grandchildren even if it means traveling to another city. If they say, “That’s too expensive,” remind them that they won’t be spending money on your children and therefore that trip may be more feasible.
vii.Help them unload their guilt. Your parents may feel that they are somehow at fault, that you’ve made this choice because they were rotten parents or because you’ve been soured on family life. Or they may perceive the decision as a way of rebelling against them and everything they stand for. To counter this, let them know your positive reasons for remaining childfree. Tell them there’s no reason to feel guilty. Of course, they made some mistakes—who doesn’t? But make sure they recognize that you’ve made the decision because it’s right for you, not in reaction to them, assuming this is true.
viii.Get them to take pride in your generativity. If you tell them your positive reasons for remaining childfree, they’ll be proud of you. They won’t have grandchildren, but they can share, enjoy, and applaud your accomplishments. If their values, courage, or example led you to any of your chosen commitments, point this out so they can identify more fully with your choice.
ix.Realize that the relationship between your parents and your partner may change. If your parents believe (accurately or not) that your partner is more committed than you are to the childfree choice, they may resent him or her and say, “If only my child had married someone more traditional. That awful son-in-law [or daughter-in-law] led my child astray.” Counter by describing your active participation in the decision and giving them a chance to vent their feelings. This may smooth over the relationship.
x.Tell them—if it’s true—that you value them more than ever. Whether your relationship with your parents is terrific or just mediocre their importance to you may increase after you’ve made your decision. More than ever, the positive family ties you have could be a valuable resource.
xi.Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’ve talked to your parents if you’ve talked to only one. Avoid these common tactics such as talking to one parent only (most frequently Mom) and letting her relay the message to the other parent or talking to both parents, but assuming that the situation is resolved when only one parent has actually expressed feelings about the subject.
Using What You’ve Learned About Yourself to Grow
In the process of deciding to be childfree, you may have recognized, even more fully than you had before, some positive characteristics or talents that you factored into your decision such as a strong sense of independence, valuing privacy and silence, perhaps being reflective, meditative, or introverted. You may also be a maverick thinker, a rebel, an enemy of the status quo. You may spend time as a writer or teacher urging others to be more questioning.
If you relate to these characteristics or your partner does, you might think about ways to use and honor them even more fully than you already have. Now that you have ruled out parenthood, you (and your partner) may have some satisfying conversations while brainstorming possibilities.
The Childfree Person—A New Kind of Pioneer
Congratulations on venturing into one of the new lifestyles of the twenty-first century. You’re fortunate to live in the first age in which people whose talents and interests do not lie in child-rearing are able to say “no” to parenthood and “yes” to themselves. You are free to spend your time and energy on the pursuits that offer you the deepest satisfaction.
The self-awareness, risk-taking, and assertiveness you have developed during the decision-making process should stand you in good stead as you continue staking out new territories of childfree living. Although the childfree choice is more common and respected now than it was when The Baby Decision was originally published in 1981, you still have a chance to be a pioneer in modeling a viable alternative to parenthood.
Now that you’ve made the decision to have a baby, you are ready to focus on bringing that child into your life. Don’t worry if you feel a little confused or uncertain and asking questions like, “What are we getting ourselves into? Are we really going to do this? What if we can’t get pregnant? What if we can’t find child care?” There are a thousand “what ifs” that you can’t answer today. These thoughts may make you worry whether you are making the right decision.
If you are over forty, have experienced infertility, pregnancy loss, or any problem in your reproductive system, even if you haven’t tried for pregnancy, you may be afraid that you won’t get to be a parent. You may wonder if you even belong among readers of this chapter who are focusing on when, not if, they become parents.
But this chapter is for you, too. You can seek medical care and do your best to become pregnant. You choose a clinic/doctor, you follow their treatment plans, and you can now leave that part to your medical team. Or you may have applied to adopt and be awaiting the next step from your adoption team. But while waiting for pregnancy or adoption, you can psychologically prepare yourself for parenthood. This gives you something constructive to do that is in your control, that makes you more confident that you will be ready to parent when the time comes.
Three’s Company—Preparing for the Baby
1. Don’t expect to get pregnant the first night. Many couples who struggle with the baby decision find it difficult to give up control. Often, they are the kind of people who planned everything meticulously in the past, carefully choosing their colleges, their training programs, their jobs, and their partners. Now they unconsciously assume they can choose the baby’s due date. They can’t.
Moreover, once a couple has made the decision, particularly if they spent months or even years wrestling with it, they are so excited and so eager to act on the decision immediately that more waiting becomes extraordinarily painful. It seems so ironic that after finally deciding to have a baby, the baby doesn’t quickly show up.
If you are over thirty and haven’t gotten pregnant within six months, it is a good idea to seek medical help. But not the first month. Your body is not a machine; you can’t just program it for conception! (For more information about infertility, see Chapter 10, “Solving Fertility Problems.”)
2.Picture yourself enjoying your choice. Close your eyes and imagine yourself and your partner having a happy, healthy pregnancy and an easy childbirth. Now picture yourselves playing with the baby. Imagine yourselves being more in love than ever, finding that the child has added a new dimension to your relationship. Positive imagery can serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
3.Prepare for parenthood.
Take a childbirth class to make birthing a more pleasant and loving experience for everyone involved. If you are single, choose a beloved friend or family member to be your birth partner.
Learn parenting skills. Read now; it will be harder to find the time later. (See the appendices for a list of useful books.) Do you know what a newborn looks like? Do you know what a three-month-old can and can’t do? Is it possible to spoil a six-month-old? Find out ahead of time.
Look for role models. If you like the way your parents raised you, analyze their behavior. What specifically did they do well? Ask them about it. If you don’t like the way they reared you, try to find other role models, couples you know personally who seem to be doing a good job with their children. Observe how they handle various situations. Ask them to describe their parenting philosophy. Parenting books and classes can also offer alternatives to the way your parents raised you. If you are pressed for time, look for one-day or half-day weekend workshops.
4. Consider ways of preserving something that matters from your previous life. Focus on aspects of the childfree lifestyle that you have enjoyed, and try to find ways of meeting some of these needs. If you crave solitude, for example, can you and your partner spell each other so you can each have some quiet time alone? If dinner out once a week seems essential, can you cut some other corners to make it possible?
5.Work on any emotional problems that might get in the way of parenting. If you’re worried or nervous about parenthood, seeing
a counselor during pregnancy can be helpful. Here are some typical problems:
You’re absolutely terrified of parenthood even though you very much want a child.
You realize you’re expecting the baby to give meaning to your life. You’re worried because you know you have to have some other meaning, too.
You’re convinced you’re going to make the same parenting mistakes your parents did. This is especially serious if you were abused physically, sexually, or psychologically.
You and your partner had a tug-of-war. The “baby person” won, but the “childfree person” gave in before working through all his or her concerns. This partner needs more understanding and preparation for parenthood.
6.Zap all unrealistic expectations on sight! Don’t strive to be the perfect parent. There’s no such thing. A Zen concept applies here: The harder you try to be perfect, the farther away from perfection you’ll fall. If you want a child and you’re relatively mentally healthy, you will be a good parent, despite your faults and failings. Take comfort in the knowledge that your child comes with natural resilience. Children are more like rocks that chip than eggs that break. One of your most satisfying parenting tasks will be teaching your child to recognize, value, and boost her resilience even further.
Also, don’t expect to create the perfect child. You cannot mold a child’s personality because he or she is already born with one. Your guidance and support, though crucial, are only part of the equation. Letty Cottin Pogrebin in “Motherhood!” Ms, May 1973, describes her role: “I am not a sculptor who molds a child from clay. I’m the gardener who tends a seed that will grow to become itself.”
Look Forward to the Creativity and Joy You Hope to Experience
According to some proponents of the childfree lifestyle, a child is, at best, a glaring stop sign on the road to growth and, at worst, a bundle of dynamite that shatters the road entirely. But parents who value children and who have, by definition, made a good baby decision, make a conscious trade-off: exchanging personal pleasure for parental pleasure—the pleasure of fostering the growth and development of another human being. Through that process, a parent can experience tremendous growth, too. In the words of Margaret Fuller, “The character and history of each child may be a new and poetic experience to the parent, if he will let it” (in The International Thesaurus of Quotations).
How Children Can Help You Grow
1. Children tend to be “warm fuzzies” in residence. They not only receive affection; they give it. Hugs, kisses, and smiles can make you feel loved and important. Of course, you cannot rely on your child for love and self-esteem, but he can be a delightful source of pleasure. Kids can cheer you up on days when work doesn’t go well or when you and your partner are at odds. It is not a reason to have a child, but it’s a nice fringe benefit.
Of course, there are days when their behavior exhausts or exasperates you, and unfortunately, these can be the same days that work or your relationship are troubling you, too. The simultaneous problems may be interrelated or coincidental. For instance, a baby may fuss because he is reacting to a couple’s fight. These are days to use other ways of feeling better: calling a friend, napping when the baby does, or putting on music that soothes you both.
2.Children offer new perspectives. They constantly challenge the status quo by asking “Why?” In their naiveté, they can offer fresh insights and new solutions—if you’re open to your child’s sense of wonder and creativity.
3.Children teach you about yourself. It’s easy to be a textbook expert on child development. But it’s truly an education to watch the development of a real child. This intensive course in child psychology is especially useful if you happen to work with children and families. Having your own child forces you to refine your theories of child development, your philosophies of child-rearing, and your beliefs about human nature.
4.Children offer comic relief. They are a vivid reminder that life goes on, no matter what. When adults are absorbed in a crisis, a child’s silly giggles can provide some much-needed perspective.
5.Children force you to think about the future. They remind you that you will die someday. Even if you’re good at deceiving yourself most of the time, it will occur to you, at least occasionally, that your children will outlive you. This realization can spur you to have a positive influence on the world that you eventually pass on to your progeny. For instance, you may want to participate in social action to deal with racism, violence, or the environment. Of course, you are not likely to have time or money to be involved, or very involved, in such work when your child is a baby, but you might be able to make a satisfying and meaningful contribution later.
6.Children keep you on your toes. You have to remain flexible and open to adjust to moment-by-moment and week-by-week changes in your children. You have to grow along with them.
7.Children help you develop self-discipline that you never before thought possible.
a. In order to succeed as a disciplinarian, you have to learn self-discipline first. You have to separate your need to vent your frustration (the urge to give him a good, hard whack, for example) from your child’s need to learn to obey important rules.
b. Children force you to get organized. As parents, you’ll be forced to do a given amount of work in less time. It’s hard to goof off when you know your children need you or when every wasted moment raises the tab on the babysitter’s bill. On the other hand, allow yourself some goof-off time. Everyone needs it, particularly parents.
Whether or not you enjoy parenthood depends on what you bring to it. If you embrace it openly and eagerly, with no unrealistic or idealistic expectations, you won’t be disappointed. But if you expect it to provide all the meaning in your life or miraculously solve your problems, you will be disillusioned.
Like any other life experience, parenting has its highs and lows. It is both joyous and frustrating, stimulating and draining. But as long as you base your decision to become a parent on a full awareness of both sides, you will be able to take pleasure in the plusses and cope with the minuses.
Lessons from Room Nineteen:
How to Be a Mother Without Being a Martyr
I spent twelve years of my adult life working, living my own life. Then I married, and from the moment I became pregnant for the first time I signed myself over, so to speak, to other people. To the children. Not one moment in twelve years have I been alone, had time to myself. So now I have to learn to be myself again. That’s all.
– Susan Rawlings, middle-aged heroine of Doris Lessing’s classic short story, “To Room Nineteen.”
Rawlings’ words “That’s all” are ironic because retrieving a self after so many years of denying that self is an awesome task. So awesome in fact, that Susan Rawlings can’t do it. Over the years, she has not only lost her self but also her willingness to fight for its return. Once a week, Susan breaks away from household responsibilities to spend time in a hotel room. She rents a room, not with an affair in mind, but in hopes of self-discovery. But what she finds is that when she lost her self, she also lost her ability to care. In the end, she commits suicide out of apathy rather than despair.
Although few middle-aged women resort to suicide, many, like Susan, are overwhelmed by the difficulty of finding the lost threads of their pre-parent existence. However, should you become a mother you need never face such an awesome task, not if you adamantly hold onto those threads, letting them guide you through motherhood and through your continuing growth as an adult woman. You’ll never have to search desperately for your identity if you never let go of it in the first place. In this section, we’re going to look at some of the ways you can assure yourself that you’ll never land in Room Nineteen because you’ll have reserved room for growth right in your very own home.
The words “mother” and “martyr” start and end with the same letters, but the similarity should end there. Regardless of whether women stay home or work part-time or full-time, they often seem to fall victim to their own an
d to society’s unrealistic expectations. As Angela Barron McBride says in The Growth and Development of Mothers, “[Motherhood] is an impossible job for all women as presently defined.” No mother can be held responsible for making everyone in the family happy. No mother can be expected to repress or ignore her needs all the time in order to meet the needs of her family.
Survival Tactics
Take care of yourself, and your family will take care of itself. As Anais Nin said in The Book of Quotes compiled by Barbara Rowes, “When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others.”
Mothers’ needs don’t die; they simply go underground. A frustrated mother’s interactions with her husband and children are polluted by her guilt and hostility. Anger and depression are the only responses to being squelched. Whatever your family’s needs are, you’re entitled to fulfill your own as well.
Advice for Full-Time, At-Home Mothers
1.You will need time away from the baby. Ask your partner or another relative to take the baby, hire a sitter, or exchange babysitting with a friend, or a local children’s play group.
2.Choose one non-family-related goal that interests you and actively pursue it. It might be a class, an art project, a community activity, a freelance paid job—anything that you enjoy and in which you can take pride. However, it’s generally best to choose something in which your progress will be visible. Although as a mother you make significant progress with your children, it isn’t tangible. Come June, you’ll still be diapering the same bottom you diapered in May. So it’s nice to be able to observe and measure progress in another activity.
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