“I don’t know,” I said. “What are you in the mood for?”
“How about a snowball fight?” he asked with a wicked grin.
Using only his mind, he threw four snowballs at me. I held up my hands, pushing them back with my own telekinesis, and they shattered into puffs of snow from the force. It was my turn to sling a few back at him, but he stopped them just as easily as I had.
He returned fire, this time with even more snowballs, and while I stopped most of them, one of them slipped by and nicked me in the leg. I ran back, hiding behind a tree to make my counterattack.
Tove and I played around, throwing snow at each other, but it became increasingly hard as it went on. It looked like a game, and it was fun, but it was more than that. Stopping a slew of snowballs helped me learn to quickly stop multiple attacks from different directions. I tried to return fire even before I stopped the snowball, and that helped me learn how to fight back while defending myself.
Those were two completely different tasks, and they were difficult to master. I’d been working on this for a while, but couldn’t get it down. In my defense, neither could Tove, but he didn’t really think it was possible. My mind would have to be able to hold something back and throw something at the same time, which it could do, but doing both things at the exact same time was impossible.
When we were both sufficiently frozen and exhausted, I collapsed back in the snow. I’d worn pants and a sweater today because I knew we were training, but all that exertion always left me overheated, so the snow felt good.
“Is that a truce, then?” Tove asked, panting as he lay down in the snow next to me.
“Truce,” I said, laughing a little.
We both lay back, our arms spread out wide as if we meant to make snow angels, but neither of us did. Catching our breath, we stared up at the clouds moving above us.
“If this is what our marriage will be like, it won’t be so bad, will it?” Tove asked, and it was an honest question.
“No, it won’t be so bad,” I agreed. “Snowball fights I can handle.”
“Are you nervous?” he asked.
“A little.” I turned my head to face him, pressing my cheek into the snow. “Are you?”
“Yeah, I am.” He furrowed his brow, staring thoughtfully at the sky. “I think I’m most scared of the kiss. It will be our first time, and in front of all those people.”
“Yeah,” I said, and my stomach twisted at the thought. “But you can’t really mess up a kiss.”
“Do you think we should?” Tove asked, and he looked over at me.
“Kiss?” I asked. “You mean when we get married? I think we kind of have to.”
“No, I mean, do you think we should now?” Tove sat up, propping himself up with his arms behind him. “Maybe it will make it a bit easier on Saturday.”
“Do you think we should?” I asked, sitting too. “Do you want to?”
“I feel like we’re in the third grade right now.” He sighed and brushed snow off his pants. “But you’re going to be my wife. We’ll have to kiss.”
“Yeah, we will.”
“Okay. Let’s do it.” He smiled thinly at me. “Let’s just kiss.”
“Okay.”
I swallowed hard and leaned forward. I closed my eyes, since it felt less embarrassing if I didn’t have to see him. His lips were cold, and the kiss was chaste. It only lasted a moment, and my stomach swirled with nerves, but not the pleasurable kind.
“Well?” Tove asked, sitting up straighter.
“It was all right.” I nodded, more to convince myself than him.
“Yeah, it was good.” He licked his lips and looked away from me. “We can do this. Right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Of course we can. If anybody can, it’s us. We’re like the most powerful Trylle ever. And we’re neat people. We can handle spending the rest of our lives with each other.”
“Yeah,” Tove said, sounding more encouraged by the prospect. “In fact, I’m looking forward to it. I like you. You like me. We have fun together. We agree on almost everything. We’re going to be the best husband and wife ever.”
“Yeah, totally,” I chimed in. “Marriage is about friendship anyway.”
“And it’s not like people in our positions get to choose who they want to be with,” Tove added, and I think I heard a hint of sadness in his voice. “But at least we get to be with someone we enjoy.”
We both lapsed into silence after that, staring off at the snow, lost in our own thoughts. I wasn’t sure exactly what Tove was thinking. I wasn’t even sure what I was thinking.
I guess it didn’t make much of a difference that Tove was gay. Even if he wasn’t, it didn’t change my feelings for him. We could still form a strong union and have a meaningful marriage in our own way. He deserved nothing less, and I could give that to him.
“Should we go in?” Tove asked abruptly. “I’m getting cold.”
“Yeah, me too.”
He got up and then took my hand, pulling me to my feet. He didn’t need to, but it was a nice gesture. We went into the palace together, neither of us saying anything, and I twisted at my engagement ring. The metal was icy from the snow, and it suddenly felt too large and heavy on my finger. I wanted to take it off and give it back, but I couldn’t.
FIVE
plans
I snuck in a copy of the Tryllic workbook Tove had gotten for me so I had something to do while Aurora went over all the last-minute details. It was the day before the wedding, so I hoped everything was on track. We didn’t have time for anything else.
I sat in a chair with the book open on my lap while Aurora and Willa went over a checklist with about twenty wedding planners. Aurora had even put Duncan to work counting table centerpieces to make sure we had enough.
Sometimes they asked for my help, and I gave it, but I think Aurora was happier when I didn’t have input so she could run the show.
All my bridesmaids were there, and most of them I’d never even met. Willa was my maid of honor, and she’d chosen the rest of the wedding party because she knew them. Aurora insisted that this had to be huge, so I had ten bridesmaids.
“It’s the wedding of the century, and you’re studying,” Willa said with a sigh as the day drew to a close. Aurora had checked everything twice, and the only people left in the room were me, Willa, Aurora, and Duncan.
“I need to know this.” I gestured to the book. “This is essential to being able to decipher old treaties. I don’t need to know about lavish party planning. You and Aurora have that covered.”
“That we do.” Willa smiled. “I think everything’s all set. You’re going to have a fantastic day tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” I said and closed the book. “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done.”
“Oh, come on, I loved it.” She laughed. “If I can’t have a fairy-tale wedding, at least I can plan one, right?”
“Just because you’re not a Princess doesn’t mean you can’t have a fairy-tale wedding,” I said and stood up.
She gave me a pained smile, and I realized what I’d said. Willa was a Marksinna dating my brother Matt, a human, and if anybody found out, she’d be banished. She wasn’t even supposed to date him, let alone marry him.
“Sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be.” She waved it off. “You’re doing the best you can, and we all know it.”
She was referring to my efforts for more equality among the Trylle, trackers, and mänks. We were losing a lot of our population because they fell in love with humans and then they were exiled. Nobody was staying around.
From any standpoint, it made more sense to let people love who they loved. They were going to anyway, so if we stopped making it illegal, they would stick around more often and contribute to society.
I hadn’t done much to convince people of this yet, because I was too busy struggling with the Vittra problem. Once we got it fixed (if we ever got it fixed), I would make equal rights for everyone in För
ening my top priority.
“Are we all done here, then?” I asked.
“Yep,” Willa said. “You’ve got nothing left to do except get some rest, and get pretty tomorrow before the wedding. Then you just have to say ‘I do.’ ”
“I think I can handle that,” I said, but I wasn’t sure I could.
“Are you all right by yourself, Aurora?” Willa asked as we headed to the door.
“I’m just finishing a few things up,” Aurora said without looking up from the papers she was going over. “Thank you, though.”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
“Sleep well, Princess.” Aurora glanced up to smile at me.
Duncan and I walked Willa out, and she kept trying to convince me tomorrow would be fun. At the front door, she hugged me tightly and promised that everything would work out the way it was meant to.
I didn’t know why that was supposed to be comforting. What if everything was meant to be a disaster? Knowing that it was meant to be horrible wouldn’t make it any better.
“Do you want me to go in with you?” Duncan asked when we got to my bedroom.
“Not tonight.” I shook my head. “I think I need some time to myself.”
“I understand.” He smiled reassuringly at me. “I’ll see you in the morning, then.”
“Thank you.”
I shut the door behind me and flicked on my light, and I stared down at the giant ring on my finger. It signified that I belonged to Tove, to somebody I didn’t love. I went over to my dresser to take off my jewelry, but I kept staring at the ring.
I couldn’t help myself, and I pulled it off. It was really beautiful, and when Tove gave it to me it had been so sweet. But I’d begun to hate the band.
When I took it off, I glanced in the mirror behind the dresser, and I nearly screamed when I saw the reflection. Finn was sitting behind me on the bed. His eyes, dark as night, met mine in the mirror, and I could hardly breathe.
“Finn!” I gasped and whirled around to look at him. “What are you doing here?”
“I missed your birthday,” he said, as if that answered my question. He lowered his eyes, looking at a small box he had in his hands. “I got you something.”
“You got me something?” I leaned back on the dresser behind me, gripping it.
“Yeah.” He nodded, still staring down at the box. “I picked it up outside of Portland two weeks ago. I meant to get back in time to give it to you on your birthday.” He chewed the inside of his cheek. “But now that I’m here, I’m not sure I should give it to you at all.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“It doesn’t feel right.” Finn rubbed his face. “I don’t even know what I’m doing here.”
“Neither do I,” I said. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to see you. I just . . . I don’t understand.”
“I know.” He sighed. “It’s a ring. What I got you.” His gaze moved from me to the engagement ring sitting on the dresser beside me. “And you already have one.”
“Why did you get me a ring?” I asked tentatively, and my heart beat erratically in my chest. I didn’t know what Finn was saying or doing.
“I’m not proposing to you, if that’s what you’re asking.” He shook his head. “I saw it and thought of you. But now it seems like poor taste. And here I am, the night before your wedding, sneaking in to give you a ring.”
“Why did you sneak in?” I asked.
“I don’t know.” He looked away and laughed darkly. “That’s a lie. I know exactly what I’m doing, but I have no idea why I’m doing it.”
“What are you doing?” I asked quietly.
“I . . .” Finn stared off for a moment, then turned back to me and stood up.
“Finn, I—” I began, but he held up his hand, stopping me.
“No, I know you’re marrying Tove,” he said. “You need to do this. We both know that. It’s what’s best for you, and it’s what I want for you.” He paused. “But I want you for myself too.”
All I’d ever wanted from Finn was for him to admit how he felt about me, and he’d waited until the day before my wedding. It was too late to change anything, to take anything back. Not that I could have, even if I wanted to.
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked with tears swimming in my eyes.
“Because.” Finn stepped toward me, stopping right in front of me.
He looked down at me, his eyes mesmerizing me the way they always did. He reached up, brushing back a tear from my cheek.
“Why?” I asked, my voice trembling.
“I needed you to know,” he said, as if he didn’t truly understand it himself.
He set the box on the dresser beside me, and his hand went to my waist, pulling me to him. I let go of the dresser and let him. My breath came out shallow as I stared up at him.
“Tomorrow you will belong to someone else,” Finn said. “But tonight, you’re with me.”
His mouth pressed against mine, kissing me with that same rugged fierceness I had come to know and love. I wrapped my arms around him, gripping him as tightly as I could. He lifted me up, still keeping his lips on mine as he carried me over to the bed.
Finn lowered me down, and he was on top of me within seconds. I loved the feel of his body on mine, the weight of it pushing against me. His stubble scraped my skin as he covered my face and neck with kisses.
His hands went to the straps of my dress, pulling them down, and I realized with some surprise how far things might actually go tonight. He’d always put the brakes on things before they got too heated, but his hands were cupping my breasts as he kissed me.
I reached up, unbuttoning his shirt so fast, one of the buttons snapped off. I ran my hands over his chest, delighting in the smooth contours of his muscles and the pounding of his heart. He leaned down, kissing me hungrily again, and his bare skin pressed to mine.
His skin smoldered against me, his mouth searched mine, and his arm was around me, holding me tighter still.
As we kissed, my heart swelled with happiness, and a surge of relief washed over me when I realized my first time would be with Finn. But that thought was immediately darkened when I realized something else.
My very first time might be with Finn, but it would also be my last time with him.
I still had to marry Tove tomorrow. And even if I didn’t marry him, I could never be with Finn.
The last time I had really seen Finn was the night before my engagement party, nearly three months ago, when we kissed in the library. He’d been horrified by what he’d done, that he’d let himself choose a moment with me over duty, even fora second. He’d left the palace as soon as he had a chance.
He’d volunteered for the mission to track down the other changelings, and part of me knew it was to get away from me. We’d barely said a word to each other in months. I had been taking over the palace, making the most difficult decisions of my life, and I’d done it all without him.
If I slept with Finn now, that was exactly what would happen again, the same thing that always happened whenever we got close. He would vanish immediately afterward. He’d hide away in disgrace and avoid me.
And I couldn’t bear that this time. He was asking me to give myself to him completely, and he’d never be willing to do the same. He would only disappear from my life again. I needed him to be here with me, by my side, instead of leaving in shame. I needed Finn to choose me over honor, and the best he could offer me was one night.
Even if I spent the night with him, it wouldn’t mean anything. He would be gone tomorrow, I would marry Tove just as Finn would want me to, and I’d be even more heartbroken than before.
“What’s wrong?” Finn asked, noticing a change in me.
“I can’t,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Finn looked ashamed, and he scrambled to get off me. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.” He stood and hurriedl
y buttoned his shirt.
“No, Finn.” I sat up, adjusting my dress. “You don’t have to be sorry, but . . . I can’t do this anymore.”
“I understand.” He smoothed out his hair and looked away from me.
“No, Finn, I mean . . .” I swallowed hard and let out a shaky breath. “I can’t love you anymore.”
He looked up at me, his eyes startled and hurt, but he said nothing. He only stood there for a moment.
“You said that I belong to somebody else tomorrow but you tonight, and that’s not how it works, Finn.” Tears slid down my cheeks, and I wiped them away. “I don’t belong to anyone, and you don’t get to just have a part of me when you can’t help yourself.
“And I know that’s never what you meant to do,” I said. “Neither of us meant for things to end up this way. We were together when we could be. Hidden moments and stolen kisses. I get that. And I don’t blame you or anything, but . . . I can’t do it anymore.”
“I hadn’t . . .” Finn trailed off. “I never wanted this for you. I mean, this thing we’ve had going on, whatever it’s been. You deserve more than I would ever be able to give you, more than I would ever be allowed to love you.”
“I’m trying to change things,” I said. “And I’ll admit that part of it has been selfish. I wanted to repeal the laws so maybe someday we could have a chance to be together. But . . . I can’t count on that. And even if I could, I am marrying somebody else tomorrow.”
“I wouldn’t expect any less of you, Princess,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you.” He walked to the door and paused before leaving, but he didn’t look back at me. “I wish you all the best for your marriage. I hope the two of you find nothing but happiness.”
After Finn left, I tried not to cry. Willa would be so upset with me if my face was red and puffy tomorrow. I went into my closet, fighting back tears as I changed out of my gown and put on pajamas. On my way back to my bed, I noticed the small box on my dresser, the present from Finn.
Slowly, I opened the box. It was a thin silver band with my birthstone, a garnet, in the center of a heart. And for some reason, the sight of it broke me down. I lay down on my bed and sobbed, mourning a relationship I’d never even really been able to have.
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