“When’s the scan?” I asked, looking at her still flat stomach. How long until she had a bump?
“I’m not sure. I’ll get a letter in a day or so, apparently. Will you come?”
“You know I will. ”
A thought struck me. She wanted a career.
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“So how does this work? What about school?”
She shrugged. “I don’t have a choice now. I’m going to be a mum so I’ll have to work it all around the baby. There are plenty of good nursery schools around for when we’re both working. ”
My face fell. No. You didn’t know who was working in those things. The thought of leaving my child with a stranger made me feel sick.
“Not with someone else. We’ll sort something. ”
“Jasper, I can’t rely on my parents and your mum to look after our child. ”
“They’d love to do it. Isn’t it better that he or she is with family rather than strangers?”
She held her hands up.
“Let’s not fight about this. We’ll talk to them and see. ”
We’d make it work because I’d rather work nights when Abby could take over with the baby than have it with someone we didn’t know. If your own family could hurt you, what was stopping strangers? That was something I was going to have to talk seriously about with Abby.
She already knew how nervous Oakley was letting Everleigh go anywhere – not that she did let her unless it was with me, Cole or Mum – so she knew I’d have a hard time too.
It wasn’t healthy; I understood that, but if unhealthy kept my kid safe then it was fine by me.
“We’re really having a baby,” I said, dragging my hands through my hair. I’m going to be a dad.
She smiled.
“Yes. I thought you’d be happier I have to say. This is what you’ve wanted for years now. ”
“My wife to cheat on me then drop the baby bomb? Not exactly how I saw it play out. ”
She looked down, ashamed.
“Jasper, I’m sorry. You know I am. It was a mistake. I don’t know how many times I can apologise. ”
“You don’t have to apologise at all. Sorry but you could say it a million times and it’ll change nothing. Now I’ll be there every step of the way. I’ll do everything I can for the baby. I’ll be there and provide, but that’s it. ”
“We’re having a child. ”
“And we’ll be civil. I’ll push my feelings aside and pretend like every time I look at you it doesn’t feel like being stabbed in the back and we’ll play nice. I want our kid to think we’re friends – and maybe we can be one day. ”
“Friends,” she said quietly.
“You can’t be surprised by that, Abby. Shit, you honestly thought I’d take you, didn’t you? Were you even going to tell me?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. ”
“Don’t give me that cliché bullshit. You must have thought something when you showered between being with him and me. ”
I hated when people said that after having an affair. It wasn’t even one night – not that one time would’ve been okay. You didn’t carry on with someone behind your husband or wife’s back without thinking about what you’re doing. When you hide things and lie, you’re thinking alright. No one had a thoughtless affair. No one just falls into the arms of someone else. It was a conscious choice.
“I was ashamed. I still am. Jasper, I love you, and I made a mistake. The attention was flattering at a time where I didn’t feel close to you. ”
Copout. “See, that’s what I don’t get. If you felt distant why didn’t you talk to me? I’ve gone out of my way to suggest doing things and spending time together. You’re the one that pulled away so don’t blame me for that. ”
“I’m not blaming you. ”
“Sounds like you are. We’ve always been able to talk. I’ve told you things no one else knows. You’re the only one I’ve talked about Max to. After that night in the car where I broke down a month after the trial, I thought we could discuss anything. That was my lowest point, up until now, and you were there. You were the only one I could talk to. It was all you, Abby. ”
I turned my head and saw her close her eyes. A single tear slid down her face. “Why am I not someone you can talk to?” I asked.
“Telling your husband you’re feeling lost and distant isn’t an easy conversation to have. ”
“Spilling your feelings about your father ripping apart your family and allowing his friend to rape his daughter wasn’t an easy conversation either. I trusted you above everyone else. ”
She flinched.
I rubbed the spot above my eyebrows where I was getting a headache.
“This is getting so off topic now. ”
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We couldn’t even talk for more than five minutes without it turning into an argument so how the hell were we going to raise a child together?
“We need to not be around each other right now,” I said. “Let’s talk tomorrow when we’ve both calmed down and won’t say things we may or may not regret,” I said.
“Fine,” she huffed. “Call me when you’re ready. I love you, Jasper. ”
I watched her leave, filled with love, hate, anger and excitement all rolled into one. I started to feel panic building inside. I wanted my baby, but I didn’t want it to be with Abby.
Oakley opened the door. “You okay?” she asked, stepping to the side to let me in.
“Um. Is Everleigh here?”
“She’s with Cole’s parents making cookies with Leona, why?” Christ she had a better social life than me.
“I need to talk to you and don’t want her to hear. ”
“Okay, come through to the kitchen. Cole’s making coffee. You okay to talk with him there too, or do you want to go out?”
“It’s fine. ”
I walked into the kitchen, and Cole turned around. “Hey, man, you okay?”
“I think so,” I replied. “You?”
He nodded. “What’s up? Coffee?”
“Yeah, thanks. And what’s up is that Abby’s pregnant. ”
I didn’t have to turn around to know Oakley’s jaw probably hit the floor.
“She’s pregnant?”
“Yep,” I said and sat down.
“Err, forgive me for asking…” Cole said.
“Yep, it’s mine,” I replied. “And I had to ask too so don’t worry. ”
Oakley sat down.
“Wow,” she whispered. “I did not see that coming. ”
I laughed. “You’re not the only one. ”
“Coffee or whisky?” Cole asked.
“I want whisky, but I should have coffee. ”
“So what are you going to do? Has she decided?”
I frowned. “She’s keeping the baby. ”
God I don’t know what I would have done if she wasn’t. It would kill me.
“We’ve got to bring a kid up together, and I don’t know how to stop loving and hating her. I need to be neutral. How do I get my feelings for her to just caring about the mother of my child. ”
“Jasper it’s not even been two months since you broke up. It’s going to take time for you to get over what happened. ”
“Cole, got any better advice than your wife’s?”
“You could get smashed and sleep around…”
“Arsehole,” I muttered, making him laugh. That was all I’d been doing though. Since the split, I’d put another fifteen notches on my bedpost.
“Seriously, man, Oakley’s right. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. There’s no quick fix for anything, so you’re going to have to go with it and get over her the old fashioned way. ”
“I was kinda hoping you’d be more help than this. ”
He raised his eyebrows. “Why? I pined over Oakley for four bloody years!”
My sister smiled lovin
gly at her husband.
“Yeah, why did I come to you two? Neither of you have any experience in moving on. You were both pathetic messes. ”
“Thank you,” Oakley replied dryly.
I held my hand up. “No offence. ”
“Anyway, less about me and Cole. What are you going to do? Have you discussed what will happen when the baby,” she said, stopping for a second to smile, “my niece or nephew, is here? When’s the due date?”
“I don’t know. We could barely talk about anything without arguing. I’ll be there as much as possible. I want joint custody, and I don’t think she’ll fight it too much, she still wants a career, so only having the baby half the time will allow her to do that. I might need to rework my hours at The Centre. ”
Oakley waved her hand. “We’ll sort it. ”
I knew she’d say that. Family was her main priority too.
“Yesterday I thought I’d lost everything,” I whispered. “I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad. ”
“You’re going to be a great dad. ”
“Damn straight I will. I’ll do everything for that kid. ”
Leaning over, she gave me a hug and whispered, “Congratulations. ”
Chapter Fifteen
“Morning,” I said to Holly as I walked into work and again revelled in a blush that I knew meant she was thinking about the sex we’d had.
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“Morning, Jasper. You look happy today. ”
I stopped by her chair and sat on the spot on the desk we’d christened. Her lame attempt at fighting a smile told me she knew exactly what I was doing.
“That’s because I am. ”
“Good. It’s nice to see you smiling again. ”
“Hey, I’ve smiled since Abby. You should know that better than anyone. ”
“Shh,” she hissed, looking around the empty room.
My smile widened. “There’s no one around but you and me, Holly. Now what could we do on this desk with no one around…”
She glared.
“I’m kidding. We should at least wait until I lock up tonight. ”
Her cheeks turned scarlet.
“Want to tell me why you’re so happy rather than making me squirm at work?”
I was momentarily stunned into silence. That I hadn’t expected to come from her mouth. She admitted I made her squirm. I could live with that.
“I’m going to be a dad. ”
Her mouth fell open so wide I could see all of her teeth.
“That was pretty much my reaction too,” I said.
“Oh. Um, congratulations then I guess. ”
The light went from her eyes.
“So are you moving back into your old house?”
“What? No. Hey, when I said I never wanted Abby back I meant it. We’re having a baby together, but that’s it. ”
‘That’s it’ was a strange phrase to use when talking about raising a tiny person but that was it, that was as far as my relationship with Abby was ever going to go again. We’d share a child. End of story.
“I see. No offence, but I’m glad you’re not going back there. You can do better. ”
“Anyone can do better than being with a cheater. ”
She nodded. “You’re going to be a great dad. ”
“I hope so. ”
Smiling distantly, she spun her chair to face the monitor. “Oakley asked if you’d sign off the wages as she ran out of time. She left a note, I think, but asked me to mention it too. ”
Holly had gone from squirming and blushing to ice cold at the mention of me being a dad.
“You okay?” I asked her.
“Yeah, fine. ” She looked up. “Why?”
I leant over, resting my hand on the desk and completely blocking her view of the screen.
“What’re you doing, Jasper?” she asked a little breathlessly. At least she wasn’t completely put off.
“What’re you doing? There something wrong with me now I’m going to be a dad?”
“Of course not. It’s just weird. I feel wrong for…” she shrugged.
“For what?”
“Flirting with you when your ex is carrying your child. I don’t know; I shouldn’t because you’re single and can do what the hell you like, but…”
“But you’re a good girl – most of the time – and you have all these weird morals. ”
She laughed. “Weird?”
“Yeah, weird. ”
“If I was having a baby with someone else would you be here right now?”
“At work?”
She deadpanned.
“Alright, fine. Yes, I’d want you, but I don’t have any morals. ”
“That’s rubbish. You do. ”
“Fine, I have some. I think I’d still hit on you though, unless you were with this other guy. ”
Rolling her eyes, she pushed me back up, so I was sitting straight.
“Of course you would because you just can’t get enough of me. ”
Something like that. I’d rather be with Holly than all those other women.
“Why are we even having this discussion?” she asked.
“Alright, sorry. ” Frowning, I stood up and walked into the office. What the hell was her problem? We’d only slept together a few times, and I wasn’t even with Abby. She couldn’t be jealous, could she?
“Holly,” I said, poking my head around the door. She looked up. “Is there something you want to talk about? Baby wise?”
“No. Why?”
“It’s just that you seem off since I told you about Abby being pregnant. ”
“Look, I don’t mean to be off or anything, it’s just sudden, and I thought that you were finally starting to get your life back on track. Then this. ”
Wow, she really had no idea how many nights a week I went out getting smashed. Did she think I’d only slept with her since the break-up? I wanted her to think that rather than knowing the truth – that I woke up with women beside me I couldn’t remember going home with a couple times a week.
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I wanted to protect that secret and not have her be disappointed in me. In a very short space of time, she’d become someone that I cared about. I didn’t want to lose her friendship or make her feel like a random woman I’d fucked since my wife cheated. Holly deserved better.
“As long as you’re good. ”
“I am,” she replied.
“Want a coffee?”
“Please. ”
I went in the kitchen, feeling a lot better for talking to her rather than leaving it. Now if I could only do that with Abby, things would be so much easier.
I wanted nothing to do with Abby, but she was carrying our baby; therefore, I was going to push everything else to the back of my mind and be the best dad-to-be I could.
“Uncle Jasper, where are we going?”
“The petting zoo,” I replied, looking over at her to see her reaction.
Her bright, baby blue eyes lit up, and she smiled a full, toothy smile.
“Yay!” she chanted. “Can I cuddle a goat?”
I laughed. “If you want. ”
Since Cole and Oakley took her there a few months ago, she’d been obsessed with goats. Apparently she threw a tantrum when she was told she couldn’t have one. A day out with her was exactly what I needed to take my mind off everything for a while.
Tomorrow was scan day. I was buzzing at the thought of seeing my son or daughter, but I was also shit scared. Seeing it would make it real. I wanted to forget Abby, but this was going to tie us together for the rest of our lives. Every time I saw her I felt like I was being punched. I just hoped it would get better before the baby arrived.
“Are Mummy and Daddy coming too?”
“No, they’re at work. You’re okay just going with me, aren’t you?”
She nodded. “Can I
have ice cream and chocolate?”
“If you promise me you’ll brush your teeth extra good tonight?”
“Okay. I don’t want my teeth to go black and fall out. ” Her eyes widened, and she scrunched her nose up.
“That’s right you don’t. ”
“Are we nearly there yet?” she asked, practically bouncing in her seat.
“Almost,” I replied. Soon Everleigh would have a younger cousin to nag about timings and hurrying up. I couldn’t wait to take my own kid out too. Weekends and my days off. That was probably when I’d have the baby. I wanted joint custody and the baby spending an equal amount of time with us both.
I felt like I was already being pushed out. Not that Abby had done anything intentionally but her talk of nurseries and pre-school without consulting me made me think she felt she had the most rights and could decide these things on her own. She’d never been like that before. Every decision we made was a joint one. I felt like the dad that was being replaced by a step-dad.
My blood turned cold. Brett. If Abby really was with Brett now would he be the one discussing what to do with my child? I was sickened by the thought of him in my child’s life more than me, but there was nothing I could do to stop it if Kerry was right and they were together. She’d seen them together in town.
“Uncle Jasper?” Everleigh said, bringing me back to reality.
“Yeah?”
“Can I have a goat at your house?”
I laughed. “Everleigh, I live in a flat. I don’t even have the space for a dog. Where would I keep a goat?”
“In my room. I don’t mind sharing. ”
Things were so simple to kids. I loved it the innocence and naivety. Just put the goat in the bedroom. If she’d picked an animal that wouldn’t eat my flat, then I probably would have bought it for her. I sucked at telling her no.
I got in after dropping Everleigh off home and dialled Abby’s number. Speaking to her hurt but I’d have to ignore that. There was no getting away with not seeing her anymore.
“Jasper, hi,” she breathed down the phone.
I tried to ignore the pang of heartbreak at hearing her say my name like that.
“How are you?” I asked, working harder than I should to keep my voice even.
“I’m good, just a little tired. Are you okay?”
“Fine. Just wanted to sort out tomorrow. ”
“Do you want to meet at the hospital or take one car?”
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