“Pass the parcel time!” Everleigh shouted.
I grabbed Holly’s hand. “Come on. ”
“We’re playing?” she asked.
“For the baby, yeah. ”
“Jasper!” Holly said and laughed, squeezing my hand.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Holly
“So this is husband number…?” Jasper asked, trailing off.
“Five. ”
“Wow, I’ve given up after wife number one. How does she still believe in marriage?”
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I looked down, playing with my fingers under my small baby bump. He never wanted to be married again. Half the time it didn’t even seem like he’d ever want a relationship again.
“Not every woman is going to cheat on you, Jasper,” I said quietly.
He turned his head, and I avoided eye contact in case he could see through what I said.
“Maybe not, but how do I know who will and who won’t?”
I won’t.
“You can’t know that, no one can. You just have to find someone you trust. ”
“The only women I trust are my mum, sister and you. ”
And me.
If he trusted me, why was he still ruling out a relationship? I curled my arms around my belly. Because he doesn’t want a relationship with me. He doesn’t feel that way about me.
Tears sprang to my eyes, so I picked up the Order of Service and pretended to read it. I wasn’t ready to hear that and have my little family fantasy ripped away. The baby and I were going to be alone. He’d be there, of course, but it wasn’t the same as us being together.
I was spared; the music started playing, signalling my aunt’s entrance. I stood with the rest of the guests and plastered a smile on my face, pretending my heart wasn’t breaking.
Inviting Jasper was a mistake. When he agreed immediately I was elated, but now I felt lower than I had in a long time. I was almost at the point of finding myself, and had a clear image in my head of what I wanted, but now that was gone and a part was missing.
Tammy walked down the aisle for the fifth time, arm through her dad’s, beaming as if it was the first. For her, I hoped it was the last. I wanted to be that happy to be with someone. I didn’t need Jasper to achieve what I wanted career wise, but I felt like I did for what I wanted in my family life.
Tammy passed us, keeping her eyes on an equally thrilled Toby. Jasper’s arm wound around my waist, and his hand rested on my hip. I wanted to push him away. If we were going to have a strictly friendly relationship, then I didn’t want the physical contact that made warmth spread through my entire body. But I didn’t push him away because I loved the feeling too much.
We sat down once Tammy reached the front and the music came to an end. Jasper’s arm stayed around me.
“They look so happy,” I whispered, leaning into him because I was too damn weak to pull away.
Get a hold of yourself, Holly! And I would, tomorrow. Right now I wanted to enjoy today with my family and my baby’s dad.
“They do,” he agreed stiffly as if he was adding in his head ‘For now’.
Why I thought bringing Mr Negative to a wedding was a good idea I’d never know.
Once the ceremony was over we went into another large, high ceiling room that gave the place a grand feel for drinks and canapés while the photographer did his thing. Since I wasn’t a bridesmaid I didn’t have to pose for many photos, which suited me just fine.
“Orange juice?” Jasper asked.
“Please. ”
“You want the Pimms fruit on top?”
I shook my head. “No thanks, that’s way too tragic. ”
He pursed his lips.
“If you weren’t pregnant you probably still would have had the OJ. ”
“I wouldn’t. At weddings, I get drunk. ”
He gave a crooked grin.
“Well as soon as this one,” he cupped my belly, stroking it with his thumb, “is out, I’m taking you to a wedding. I’d love to see you drunk again. ”
“I’ll hold you to that. ”
“Holly, darling, you look beautiful,” Tammy said. “Oh you’ve got that pregnancy glow. ”
That glow was because my temperature was running higher than usual. I wasn’t glowing I was a fat, hot mess. I’d only just started looking pregnant – even though I was five months – and not like I’d had too many pies.
“Thank you. You look gorgeous. Congratulations!”
“Thank you, love. Where’s your date? He’s very yummy,” she said, wiggling her eyebrow.
I looked over to see Jasper at the drinks table, talking to Brad and his date, Casey
“Over there,” I replied, nodding my head towards him.
“And this is baby daddy?”
“Yes. ”
“Hmm, you’ve done well there!”
I nudged her arm. “You’ve just got married!”
“Hey, I can still look. What’s the story there anyway? Your mum said you’re not together, but then you turn up here…”
“We’re just friends. He doesn’t want a relationship. ”
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“Bad experience?”
“His ex cheated on him. He’s in the middle of a divorce. ”
“I know how that feels. ” Her eyes narrowed. “You love him. ”
I blinked in shock. “I… No. ”
“You do. You’re in love with him; it’s written all over your face. ”
It was written all over my face? Did he notice it? Was that why he was blowing hot and cold?
“You look like a deer in the headlights right now, Hol. If he’s in the middle of a divorce, the last thing he’s going to see is another woman in love with him. If I can recall, you’re less than warm towards members of the opposite sex at that time. ”
“Can we stop talking about me now, please? This is your wedding. ”
“Yes, so we should talk about whatever I want. ”
I groaned, making her laugh.
“Okay, point taken. I’ll drop the subject, just be careful. I don’t want you getting hurt. Give the boy time, he’s not in the place to even think about a future relationship at the minute. ”
Don’t I know it.
“So where’re you going on honeymoon?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Jamaica!”
“Wow. ”
Jasper walked back over to us, awkwardly holding two glasses of orange juice and a glass of champagne. Now I knew they said you should eat for two – although you shouldn’t – but this was ridiculous.
“Congratulations,” Jasper said, handing Tammy the champagne. He gave me an orange after and kept one for himself. What?
“Thank you and thank you,” Tammy replied, taking a sip and then kissing Jasper on the cheek.
“You’re not drinking?” I asked.
“No, I’m taking you home tonight. ”
“Oh. Right, well I’m sure we can get a lift with Mum and Dad or Brad if you want to drink. We can pick your car up tomorrow. ” I’d assumed we were going to do that anyway. “Or I can drive. ”
He laughed. “You’re not driving my baby. I don’t mind not drinking. Gotta look after you anyway, so I need to be sober. ”
“How much trouble do you think I’m going to get into?”
He looked me up and down, and I blushed. My aunt was right there!
“In that dress…”
“He’s right, you look stunning, sweetheart,” Tammy said and winked. “Anyway, I’d better move on. ” She glided across the floor elegantly with the train of the dress following. I wanted that one day. With Jasper.
“I look fat. ”
He snorted. “You don’t look fat. You look pregnant and so beautiful I can barely keep my eyes off you. ” He took my hand and caught my breath.
Why say things
like that if you don’t want anything to happen between us?
“I love it when you blush. ”
I didn’t. It was embarrassing. “You make me do it a lot. ”
He smiled. “I know. Think we’re gonna get fed soon?”
I laughed, shaking my head. Moment over.
When it was time to go through for the meal Jasper and I took our seats along with my parents, Brad and Casey.
I fell into conversation with Mum and Casey while Dad, Jasper and Brad chatted about football. My cheeks ached from smiling so much, especially when Jasper’s hand found mine under the table. It was so easy to pretend that we were together, or that he was open to it in the future at least.
The evening reception kicked off with Britney Spears and the top tier of the wedding cake falling off the stand. The bride and groom shrugged it off, too happy to care that their six-tier cake was now a five. I’d dragged Jasper around, introducing him to more family and then we used the excuse that my feet were hurting to escape and sit back at our table.
Brad and Jasper held a conversation about some car part for a full ten minutes, and I sat there wishing I was anywhere else. I laid back in my seat, looking around, bored. Poor Casey, it looked like they weren’t getting on. She had been texting for a while.
“Okay?” Brad asked.
“Yep,” I replied.
“Dance with me,” Jasper said, standing up and holding his hand out.
Brad turned to his date. I could tell he still wasn’t completely happy with me and Jasper having a baby together. At first I thought it was because I was his sister, but now I think it’s because Jasper was his friend. They spent a lot of time together, even when Jasper was with Abby, but now he comes to see me a couple times a week and most weekends.
I took Jasper’s hand, and we walked to the dance floor. Thankfully it was quite full so we wouldn’t have the embarrassment of being the only ones. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his body to mine as much as he could.
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My small, five-month bump poked him in the stomach, and his eyes lit up. “I hope she kicks,” he said and started swaying us to the music.
“You wouldn’t say that if you were getting the kicks from inside. ”
“It really hurts?”
“When she gets my ribs it does but only for a second. But I’d rather she was active, so I don’t worry about not feeling her move. ”
She was small for five months; below average, but not below the smallest size she should be. Still, my midwife was keeping a close eye on her growth, and I was possibly going to have another scan next month.
I expected him to say something, but he just continued to stare at me. The air between us thickened, and I gripped his shoulders. He was going to kiss me, I think. My body heated, and I felt a little lightheaded.
“Holly, if you don’t like PDAs in front of your family, walk away now. ”
Walk away? Like I could even if I wanted to, and I definitely didn’t want to.
I stayed, and he lowered his mouth until his lips brushed so lightly against mine it tickled. There really was no need for him to tease.
“Are you going to kiss me or not?” I breathed. As I spoke, he lowered his face to mine and kissed me.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Holly
Jasper sat on my bed reading the pregnancy book as if he was being tested on it. Since I’d got home for the Christmas break, we’d been together pretty much every minute he wasn’t working. I’d even done a few shifts at The Centre, offering my help because I knew they were busy when really I just wanted to be around him for longer. I was getting pathetic.
He was determined to know everything that was going on with the baby and my body. It was sweet that he took so much interest, but there was something else to it. He was obsessed with knowing everything and planning for every eventuality.
He knew three different routes to the hospital, had my doctor and midwife on speed dial and a first aid kit – complete with towels and baby clothes – in his boot. It was over the top, and I wasn’t sure how to tell him to relax and enjoy watching our baby grow without stressing over every detail. He just couldn’t seem to accept that he couldn’t control everything.
“Jasper, you’ve read that a million times already,” I said, “and the birth will probably go differently to those books anyway. ”
He looked up over the book. “You don’t know that. We need to be prepared, Holly. ”
“There’s prepared, and then there’s what you’re doing. You’re going to either go crazy by the time she arrives or be exhausted. ”
Ignoring me, he stuck his head back in the book.
“Do you think they’ll let me stay in the hospital with you?”
I shook my head. “No, they don’t allow dad’s or partners to stay. You can visit all day and until the evening though. ”
The book dropped to his lap. “We need to speak to them about that. Maybe we can get a private room – you can hire those – and see if I can stay there too, it might be different if we’re not on the main ward. ”
“It’ll be fine. I’m sure I can manage for a few hours between you leaving at night and coming back in the morning. ” I know I hadn’t been around babies much, but I was confident I could do it. The midwives were there to help and guide me. Surely all I’d be doing was breastfeeding and changing nappies anyway.
“I don’t want you two on your own. ”
“We won’t be. ”
His beautiful face was marred with a frown.
“Holly, the midwives don’t count. They don’t care enough. ”
“What?”
“Will one stay in your room all night?”
“No, of course not, but if I need them they’ll come in. ”
“Then I need to be there. What if something happens?”
Oh. That’s what this was about. He was scared because of what happened to Oakley. I felt awful that he worried about us to the point where he didn’t feel he could leave us for one night, but it was unhealthy. We were going to be apart from him, so he had to get used to it and realise we were okay.
“Jasper, nothing is going to happen to us. We’ll be fine in hospital for a night or two. ”
“Something might happen. ”
“If you don’t trust me to look after our child-”
“I do!”
I threw my hands up. “It doesn’t sound like it. What happened to Oakley-”
“Shut up,” he snapped.
My heart ached. It was still so hard for him to talk about, but he couldn’t see that it was why he was feeling so anxious. How could you get someone to seek help when they wouldn’t even admit there was a problem?
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“For all our sakes, the baby’s included, you’re going to have to talk about it. ”
“No,” he replied and shut down.
It was so hard to talk to him once he was done with something, but I wasn’t about to give up. If he continued trying to control everything, I was going to be suffocated. I couldn’t live with him constantly calling or texting, telling me what I could or couldn’t do or where I could go. His fear was real and I understood, but I wouldn’t let it rule my life.
“Please, Jasper. ”
He snapped his teeth together. “This is my baby too, Holly. You don’t get to make all of the decisions. I won’t leave my child with strangers. ”
“Strangers? She’ll be with me – her mum! Do you think I’m going to leave her on the ward while I go see a movie or something?”
He gave me an exasperated look.
“I’m perfectly capable of protecting my baby. ”
I could see in his now dark grey eyes that he was thinking ‘My mum thought that too’.
“I want to be there,” he said
“No,” I said. “I’m not going to kick up a fuss at the hospital
over this. We will be fine. The ward is secure. No one will hurt her. You need to talk to someone because worrying yourself sick isn’t going to help the baby. ”
“I’ll be fine. ”
Sighing, I ran my hands through my hair.
“I won’t be, Jasper. We can’t live like this. ”
“We don’t have to. There’s no need for you to worry. ”
Right, because we weren’t together and he had no interest in me romantically. I was fine as a friend he occasionally slept with, but that was where it ended. I knew I shouldn’t take it too personally; he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, but it did hurt.
The more it hurt the angrier I got with him and with myself. It was too much on top of having an unplanned pregnancy, worrying about being a good mum and finishing university.
“I think you should go,” I said. “I can’t do this, Jasper. It’s too hard. ”
“Do what?”
I threw my hands up. “This. Us. ”
“What us?”
Exactly.
“We’re having a baby, Holly, nothing is going to change that now. You can’t just order me out of your life because you’re pissed off with me. ”
“I’m not. I’m ordering you out of my house. ”
“Is this how it’s going to be? We disagree on something and you make me leave? You can’t do that. This is my baby too. ”
I groaned. No one got to me as much as him. I could feel my temper boiling below the surface, ready to explode.
“Stop looking at me like that,” he said. “I’m not arguing with you. When you’re home it’ll be different, but I’m staying at the hospital. ”
“We both make decisions so why should I just pander to your every fucking demand?” I shouted.
“You’re being unreasonable. ”
My eyes widened. “Me?”
I was not the unreasonable one.
“Why don’t you want me there? I thought you’d like the help after giving birth. ”
“I don’t like why you want to do it. ”
He shook his head. “You’re the most confusing and frustrating woman I’ve ever met, Holly. ”
“And you’re the most stubborn man I’ve ever met! I can’t believe we’re arguing over this; it’s ridiculous. You can be at the hospital for dad’s visiting like everyone else. ”
“Now who’s being stubborn,” he muttered.
“Alright, get out. I’m serious, Jasper. You’re being stupid and I know you don’t mean it personally, but that’s how I’m taking it. I need time away from you because when you’re in front of me I can barely think straight. ”
Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages Page 19