“Yes,” I admitted. “But I don’t want it to. ”
“And you don’t want anyone to know it does,” Holly said and covered my hand with her own.
“I don’t want other people having to deal with my problems. ”
Carol nodded again.
“We’re talking about your mum and Oakley. Jasper, I can tell you that Oakley is doing very well and from what she tells me your mother is too. Now it’s time to focus on you. They want to offer you the same support. You’re not putting anything on them, but taking it off. ”
I frowned. That was a crock of shit. How could telling them help them?
“You don’t believe me,” she said. “Do you know Oakley’s main concern now? The thing that we go over the most?”
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When I didn’t reply she said, “You, Jasper. She worries about you. ”
“I don’t want them to worry about me, and I don’t want to be a mess every time I’m away from Sophia. Tell me what I have to do. ”
“We’ll start by talking,” she said. “About everything you’re comfortable with. ”
“I’ll wait outside,” Holly said, squeezing my hand before she let go.
“You don’t have to. ” The thought of losing Holly before I even properly had her was terrifying. If hearing my deepest, darkest fears would make her understand me and not give up, then I’d go with it.
She seemed to realise my fear and kissed my cheek.
“It’s okay. I’ll be right outside. I’m not going anywhere, Jasper. ”
I watched her leave, a little overwhelmed that she could make me love her more and more when I hadn’t wanted to love anyone ever again.
“You’re happy with Holly,” Carol said, gaining my attention.
“Yeah. I didn’t think that’d happen again, especially not so soon. ”
“Ah, it usually happens when you least expect it. So, where do you want to start?”
“The day Max was arrested,” I replied, and she nodded. “At first I was certain they’d got it wrong. I would have put any money on it being a mistake. I kept going over it; there must be another Max Farrell. The second Oakley said ‘It is true’ my whole world collapsed. Ever since then, I see Oakley as a little girl, in distress, everywhere. I dream about it all the time. ”
Carol’s looks at me intently. “Oh? You’ve not mentioned this before. ”
“No one knows. ”
“You say you see her?”
“Not like an imaginary friend, I’m not four, but I picture her aged five, in a long pink nightdress, clutching her teddy and crying. Tears are rolling down her face, but she never makes a sound. Then I saw Everleigh like that too. And now…”
“You see Sophia. ”
I swallowed a lump in my throat. “Yeah. ”
“What about the dreams?”
“Always the same,” I said. “Always Oakley as a kid again, silently screaming my name. I’ve wondered too many times if she did that when Frank…”
Carol nodded, letting me know she got it because, Christ, I could not finish that sentence.
“I need it to stop,” I said, inwardly wincing at the desperation in my voice.
“We’ll work on that. ”
“How?”
“The same way Oakley ended her nightmares. ”
I gave a quick nod. “Facing it. Right. ” Man up and fucking do it.
“I don’t hate the man I thought he was. ”
It was out in the open, and I hated myself more than I ever had before.
Carol smiled reassuringly. “Of course not. He was your dad, and you loved him. I understand that your feelings for him now have changed– “
“That’s putting it fucking lightly. ”
“–but you should never feel bad about remembering affection for someone who was once everything to you. ”
Her words were like the light bulb effect.
“Remembered affection,” I said. “Shit, that’s it. This whole time I’ve been hating him more because I thought a part of me still cared or something fucked up like that. I hate the bastard; I really do, but I remember loving him. Still, it doesn’t help me understand. ”
“Do you ever think you’ll understand?”
“No. I’ve wanted to ask him so many times why he did it to her, but I was scared that if I saw him I’d just go crazy. ”
“And you’d be asking the wrong question. You need to know why he did it to you. ”
Like Oakley said. I blinked, clenching my jaw so I wouldn’t bloody cry. He was supposed to be my dad, a good man, but that didn’t stop him doing what he did. He didn’t love any of us enough. My mind was made up. I needed to know why he didn’t love his wife and children enough. I was going to see him.
Chapter Thirty-nine
Jasper
“I don’t know if I can go in,” I said.
“You don’t have to, but I really think you need this,” Oakley replied down the phone.
“I hate him. ”
“I know you do. But you didn’t used to. You deserve answers, or at the very least to face him and realise it’s not worth letting his mistakes ruin your life. ”
“Mistakes? Christ that’s a small word for what he did. ”
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“Whatever. It doesn’t matter what you call it, the fact is, it’s screwing with you and you need to do something about it. Now get out of the car and do this for yourself. ”
“Whoa, yes, mum!” I got out. The next hurdle was forcing myself to walk into that building.
“I don’t know how I’m going to keep my cool, especially if he mentions you. Or Everleigh. ”
“So what if he does, he’s stuck in there. ”
She was bothered by the idea that he might mention them and Mum; I knew she was.
“We don’t even know if he knows about Everleigh. ”
“Come on,” I said. Now she was just clutching at straws. His mum, who we rarely speak to now, visited him. I knew he was her son, but I couldn’t get past the fact that she still wanted to see him after what he did to her granddaughter.
“Okay, fine. He probably does, but he’ll never get anywhere near her, so it’s a non-issue. I’ve got to go; Bentley’s kicking my bladder. Call me when you get out. ”
“Alright. Bye. ”
I slipped my phone in my pocket and walked to the visitor’s entrance, but I couldn’t go through the door. My muscles had frozen in fear. Seeing him again felt wrong, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. I didn’t want seeing him to be the thing that helped me move on. And what if Holly was right, what if it didn’t help? I could walk away today feeling worse, hating him more and having my fears for Sophia’s safety double.
This was either going to be really good for me or really bad. Either way, I had to try. Me and Holly wouldn’t work if I didn’t get myself sorted out. It was worth trying; anything was worth trying. I’d face the devil for her, and my father came pretty damn close.
For Holly and Soph.
I walked through the door, swallowing my fear.
Inside was dim with pale green walls and an old dark wooden reception desk. A few people were hovering around, waiting to go through.
I cleared my throat. “I’m Jasper Scofield, here to see Max Farrell. ”
The woman behind the desk barely looked up. She tapped a few things on her keyboard.
“Okay. Take a seat and you’ll be called through in a minute,” she said, even though the six seats were clearly taken.
“Thanks. ”
I stood by the window and concentrated on keeping my breathing even. This was the last place on earth I wanted to be, and I had to force myself to stay still and not flee out the door.
I sat on the metal chair and waited as the inmates walked through the barred door into the visiting room. A few people stood up to greet their loved on
es briefly, before being told to break it off. I kept still on the chair, tapping my foot anxiously.
Then I saw him, and my world clouded.
He was dressed in dark blue sweats and a black jumper. I’d never seen him like that before. He usually wore suits, smart jeans and shirts. It was like watching another person. I bet he hated it, but I doubt there was a huge range of choice in prison. Good.
His hair had greyed more at the sides, and he’d put on some weight. His clean shaven face was the same as always, but with the addition of a few wrinkles around his evil eyes.
He knew I was coming, but he still looked shocked to see me. Maybe he didn’t think I’d really come.
“Son,” he said as he sat down.
I wasn’t sure if he’d said it to get to me, or if he still thought of me as his son; either way I wasn’t going to let him get to me.
“Let’s be clear about this, I don’t want a relationship with you. After today, you’ll never see me again so don’t get any ideas. And don’t call me son. I want answers; that’s it. I think you owe me that much. ”
His expression was impassive, and I had no idea what was going through his head. I used to think I knew what he was thinking, what punishment I’d get for swearing or how he’d react to a bad grade. Turns out, I never knew him at all.
“I understand,” he finally said. “I am sorry for what I did, Jasper. I’ve been receiving treatment in here. ”
“Don’t,” I growled. “There is nothing you can say that’ll ever make up for what you did so don’t go there. If you even mention her name, I’ll be out of here and you can rot. ”
He nodded once.
“I want to know why. ”
“I was sick, Jasper. ”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Most parents would die for their children. They’d give them their heart if they needed it. Why were we not enough?”
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His mouth pressed into a thin line.
“I regret my actions, and I’m trying to get better. I’m truly sorry that I hurt you, all of you, but I can’t change the past. ”
“You broke our family up, betrayed us all in the worst way, and all you can say is sorry. Mum cried every night. You have any idea of the guilt Mum and I feel over this? We did nothing, yet we’re the ones that feel we let her down. You sit there saying you’re all better, well fucking great for you, but what about us? Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
“I understand the repercussions of my actions, Jasper, of course. It was never my intention to hurt any of you. ”
Was he for real?
“You’re not answering me. Why did you do it?”
“I honestly do not know. I’ve gone over that in treatment, but I still don’t know. The answer you’re looking for, I don’t have. I was ill, Jasper. ”
“Ill. Like the way you tried to make the court believe Oakley was? Were you ill when you researched a personality disorder that could have explained her being mute for eleven fucking years? Was it the illness that drove you to do that?”
“You’re angry. I am too. ”
I stood up. This was going nowhere. He wasn’t going to accept responsibility for anything. In his head, he was still the respectable father and businessman. He’d made things acceptable in his head. He could say sorry a million times, but it was all for show. It was always all for show.
“You know what, you’re a sad, lonely old man. Think what you like but we all know what your sickness is. You’re hiding behind something that makes you the victim. I don’t know why I even wasted time being angry with you. You’re a coward. Goodbye, Max. ”
I stormed past him towards the exit. A guard opened the door as he saw me approach. My clenched hands shook, but I felt about a stone lighter. Like storm clouds had passed and I could finally see the possibility of clear skies
I’d got no answers, but that was okay because I didn’t really need them. What I’d needed all along was to say the things to him I just had: I had to look him in the eye and dismiss him from my life. I hadn’t had closure before, but that was what it felt like I’d just found. I’d closed that chapter of my life, and I could move on without hating him with a vengeance every single day. I didn’t have to feel anything for him at all.
He was no one.
Epilogue
Jasper
I parked outside our old house and stared at it. It held so many good memories and one massive bad one. It wasn’t just a house. It was my childhood, and the place my family turned to shit. Sure, we’d still been Mum, Oakley and Jasper, but it wasn’t the same. We’d been fucked up, all of us. We’d carried around insecurities, fear and anger and to some degree still did.
Oakley had been back here and turned a tormenting house into a pile of bricks in her head. I wanted it just to be a house again. Since Oakley’s visit there had been new owners. The day I saw a picture of it staring back at me from the estate agent’s window still haunted me. I hadn’t expected it. I thought it was nothing. I thought it was all nothing but I couldn’t push it to the back of my head any more, it had fucked me up.
Now it was time to take control and face it all.
I didn’t need to go inside; just looking at the exterior was enough. Gripping the steering wheel, I let the memories flood my mind. Some were good – most were good.
Water fights with Dad in the summer and snowball fights in the winter. Him teaching me to ride a bike. Birthday parties we’d had in the house and back garden. Him giving me ‘the talk’ when I was sixteen – though it was awkward and two years too late. Playing football on the lawn against Cole and his dad, David.
Oakley was right; he was the perfect dad to me until I was a teenager. I thought I couldn’t have good memories of him because, why should I, when hers ended at the age of five? But I did, and nothing could change that – not even me.
And it was okay. It was okay because I hadn’t known about any of it. It was okay because my idolised vision of my dad disappeared the second I found out what he really was. It was okay because I could have good memories that would never change how he was nothing to me.
Closing my eyes, I reached for the key and turned the ignition on. I’d be okay. As much as I hated relying on something, I was going to keep seeing Carol. She helped, and, like Oakley, I wasn’t stupid enough to think that you do one thing, and all your problems magically disappear. This was more like another step towards letting it all go.
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Making another appointment could wait until tomorrow. Right now I just wanted to be with my girlfriend and my daughter.
Holly smiled as I walked into her parents’ living room.
“Hey, I thought you’d be back earlier. ”
“Sorry, I had something to take care of. Where’s Sophia?”
“Mum’s taken her out for a walk so I could have a bath in peace. ” She twirled her damp hair around her finger. “Though I think she just wanted to show her off to my aunts. ”
I sat beside her. Sophia’s okay; Sylvie would never let anyone hurt her.
“Alright, maybe it’s a good thing. I don’t want Sophia around when I talk about this. ”
A frown filled with worry marred her flawless face. She pushed her long hair behind her ears. “What? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, actually. I went to see my father today. ”
Holly looked anxiously at me. “How did it go?”
“About as well as I expected. He gave me nothing but a lot of shit about getting better. Point is, he’s history. ”
She pursed her lips, not even trying to hide her doubt.
“Alright, I know I should still talk about the past, but he’s not going to screw up the present. I doubt I’ll ever stop worrying about Sophia or Everleigh and nothing will change that. ”
I exhaled sharply. I wasn’t doing a very good job of this.
“What I’m trying to say is that I’ve put something to rest, and I want to move on. Finally. A massive part of that moving on is telling you…” I took her hand. “Telling you that I love you, Holly. I love you so fucking much. And I love Sophia. Move in with me. ”
I wasn’t sure whether her stunned silence was a good thing or not.
“Holly?”
“Are you sure?” she whispered.
“What? Yeah, of course I’m sure. ”
“You love me? Not just because I’m Sophia’s mum?”
“I fell in love with you as we spent more time together and I watched our baby grow inside you. ”
She raised her eyebrow. “You fell in love with me when I was getting fat?”
“Well you were never fat, but yeah. You’re smart, funny, caring, beautiful, and you’re the best mum in the world. What’s not to love?”
Her eyes glazed as if she was about to cry. “I love you too, Jasper. I tried to stop because you said so many times that you didn’t want another relationship, but I couldn’t help it. There’s no way I would ever hurt you. ”
I reached over and wiped a tear before it fell.
“I know you wouldn’t. I trust you, Holly. Now, about moving in?”
A smile lit up her face, and she launched herself at me. I caught her and immediately worried she’d hurt herself, sometimes when she moved too quickly she winced. It had only been a few weeks since she’d given birth.
“Are you okay?”
“Hell yes, and of course we’ll move in with you!” She pulled back. “Is this why you didn’t buy another cot?”
I shrugged. “We don’t need two. How long until your mum brings Soph back?”
“She was taking her around the block and then to my aunt Sheila’s for her bottle. ” She looked at the clock, calculating Sophia’s feeding times. “Probably about another ten or fifteen minutes. ”
I laid her down on the sofa, and she frowned.
“You know I can’t do that. ”
“You’ve got a one-track mind, Holly. I kind of love you even more for that. But that’s not where I was going with this. And for the record, we’d need longer then fifteen minutes!” I pressed my lips to hers and curled my arms around her.
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