“Wish you had made it, ma chère,” she says.
“Me too, Geo. Me too.”
“You tried, right?” Her eyes peer at me through the screen.
Did I try? Did I really? Now I’m questioning myself and all of my decisions. It’s part of the guilt and regret consuming me.
I swallow through the lump in my throat and nod. “I tried.”
“That’s all I can ask for.”
“Call me after your honeymoon. Love you, my beautiful friend.”
“Je t’aime, mon amie,” she says before hanging up.
I say a silent prayer thanking God for bringing Geo into my life. At least I made a good friend from my failed relationship with Nico.
—
Two days later and I’ve barely slept. I’m trying hard not to think of my handsome, sexy Nico in a tuxedo, looking dashing in a room full of French bridesmaids…but I fail miserably. I’m also trying not to think about what exactly happens after he comes back. Are we really done? I think we’re really done, and the hole in my heart is so deep and cavernous that I won’t ever recover.
But I have to try.
As I’m getting dressed to go for a jog outside, Matt calls to check in on me. He’s another person I’m grateful to have met. He’s called me a few times, but he hasn’t mentioned Nico, and I haven’t asked.
My heart hurts.
It’s breaking, and I can’t stop crying.
I’m mad at myself for not getting on the damn airplane. For not letting him know how I felt. For just…being weak.
But even though I couldn’t get on the plane, I can still be a functioning member of society. Whether he speaks to me or not, whether I can ever get on a plane or not, I don’t plan on retreating back to being afraid of everything.
After my long, exhausting jog, I sit on the balcony licking my wounds with a cup of tea. It’s a hot and humid Friday evening in November. Surprisingly, it hasn’t rained all day, but the sky is dreary and overcast, so I decide to come inside.
The television is on, and I sit back on the couch, my knees to my chest, sipping my tea. Then I see something that changes my life forever.
They say there are moments in your life that define you. September eleventh defined me. I lost my mother and I lost myself that day. Meeting Nico didn’t define me. It was a monumental moment in my life, but not a defining one, because although I did want to change, I never truly pushed my limits. I certainly tried, but when it got hard, I retreated. The fear still loomed in the background like white noise. Never going away. Until today. Today is a defining moment.
“Terrorists Attack Paris” is the headline. Six attacks in Paris. Over a hundred dead.
Fifteen
Apprehension
Nico
TWO HOURS EARLIER…
Yesterday was the wedding. Seeing Geo and David so madly in love was, quite frankly, getting on my last nerve. I suppose it was a beautiful wedding, or at least I would have appreciated it more if I hadn’t spent half the time biting back my irritability and the other half trying to fend off a couple of bridesmaids. I smiled and laughed when I was supposed to, and when no one was looking, I shot back whiskey to soften my sour mood.
Now it’s eight thirty at night. I’ve barely gotten over the hangover from last night, and I’m headed to a death metal concert with the newlyweds. If I hadn’t promised David I’d go with him, I’d be in my hotel room moping around thinking of all the reasons I’m still mad at Katherine. She should’ve been here with me, at the wedding.
“You better not be a party pooper again tonight,” Geo says as she steps out of the cab.
“I was not a party pooper last night,” I respond incredulously.
“Really? Who do you think you’re fooling?” David chimes in as we walk into the venue. I can already hear the loud, distorted guitar sound, and my headache intensifies.
“Whatever, man.”
“Why don’t you just go back to Katherine? Your heart is not in Paris, Nick,” Geo says.
“Oh, here we go. You going to be talking about hearts and shit all night?” I say as Geo and David kiss while holding hands and practically skipping. Barf.
“ ‘Hearts and shit’? No wonder she left you,” David says.
“She did not leave me. And stop talking about it. Let’s just go inside and get this over with.”
“That’s the spirit,” David laughs. He talks to some big bouncer dude at the front who escorts us right inside.
The hall is packed, and everyone is dancing and jumping wildly as the band plays. Everyone looks young and fresh, and I feel old and tired. David is looking for a very specific sound for a series of concerts in his new clubs, and he thinks these guys would be perfect. “Be right back. Going to find their manager, let him know we’re here. Take care of my wife,” David says to me.
I put an arm around Geo and smirk. “Like she was my own,” I taunt him.
David glowers at me, and Geo laughs and blows him a kiss.
We can’t hear each other over the music, so we don’t even try to talk. I take her hand and lead her to the side, where we can lean against the wall and listen to the music while we wait for David. In her short dress and high heels, Geo jumps up and down to the music, and her hair hits my face every time she spins. A few times she turns and takes my hand, but when I don’t dance, she finally gives up trying.
I’m looking around thinking what a stupid motherfucker I am. There’s no way Katherine is ready to be in a place like this—loud, dark, smoky, and so crowded I can barely move. She’s made tremendous progress, but this is an altogether different level. I remember how broken she looked the day I pushed her to go outside the apartment before she was ready, and I realize I never want to see her that way again.
As I’m thinking of all the stupid decisions I’ve made in the last week, I hear a startling noise, almost like firecrackers. I look around, and Geo turns to look at me, her brow furrowed. She shrugs and turns back to the stage. People are still looking around confusedly when the noise happens again. There are flashes of lights all around.
Gunshots.
What the hell is going on?
Before I have a chance to grab Geo and run, she slumps over and falls. I catch her right before she hits the floor. I think she screams, but I can’t hear over all the noise around me.
The band stops playing, and people begin to scream and run. I drag Geo back to a corner, partially hidden behind a beam. I don’t know what is happening. Is this a lone gunman or are there multiple shooters? Is it over or just beginning? My mind reels when I notice that Geo is holding the side of her stomach and the side of her face, blood seeping out from between her fingers. “Fuck, Geo. Hold on, honey,” I say, placing my hand over hers by her belly, blood wetting my own hand. Then I move the one by her face and try not to flinch at the sight. It looks like a bullet grazed her face from the corner of her lip diagonally to her ear. It’s not bleeding as much as her side, but it looks bad—horribly bad.
“David?” she screams, and tries to get up. But I push her back down.
“Geo, Jesus, don’t fucking move,” I yell at her, and put more pressure on the wound on her side. I place her own hand back on her cheek. “Put pressure on this.” Then the sound of automatic gunfire gets closer. “Shh…” I say, and put my bloodied hand over her mouth.
Fucking Jesus Christ, we’re being shot at. I take a moment to look around and see bodies lying lifeless on the ground all around us. My blood runs cold. Fuck. We’re going to die here.
For a brief moment that’s all I can think as fear envelops my body. I don’t want to die. My thoughts drift to Katherine, and I think of the shitty way we ended it. Her big fucking eyes, full of hurt and anger. I bailed on my woman when shit got tough—just like Naomi did to me.
I’m holding on to that pain as I hear the shooting come nearer. I close my eyes tight, knowing that there’s more than one gunman and that the odds of walking away unharmed are slim to none.
I need to
get back to Miami, to Katherine, and make things right. This will not be the way things end between us.
And I don’t want Geo to die. She can’t fucking die! She just got married, and her new husband, my best friend, wouldn’t survive a day without her. He told me to take care of his wife, and although I know this is not my fault, I can’t fail him.
“You have to find David,” she sobs, her skin growing paler and colder. As utter panic sets in, I carefully and quietly move her further back and lie to her. “David’s fine. You hear me? He sent me a text. He’s scared you’re not okay, so you need to be quiet and stop moving.”
“He’s fine?” she says in a weak whisper.
It’s not true. Not at all. I don’t even know where my phone is right now, and I’m not going to chance attracting the shooters’ attention by making any noise.
Suddenly I sense more than hear a bullet whiz just over my head. Sweat trickles down my back, and I feel an all-consuming terror that is almost paralyzing. Except I can’t succumb to it, because if I do, Geo may not survive. I may not survive.
I push her lower to the ground and flatten myself next to her. A gunman is shuffling around nearby. Faintly I can hear crying and screaming from other parts of the club. Pieces of broken glass dig into my knees and into the one palm that I’m using to balance myself; the other one is still pressing against Geo’s wound. And her face…I can’t look at her without staring at the gash that mars her beautiful face.
“You have to close your eyes and be still. Be quiet,” I whisper in her ear, thinking that the only way we might survive this is if the lunatics think they already killed us. Getting up and running is not currently an option.
Her body is shaking, and there’s just so much blood. “Nick?” Geo says, trembling. “It hurts.”
Her big brown eyes look at me with fear like I’ve never seen. She knows she’s losing blood in large amounts and if she doesn’t get help soon, she will not survive. Plus, we don’t know what the fuck is going on. It may as well be the apocalypse, with all the blood I see pooled around from others who’ve been shot. She’s shaking almost violently now, and I pull her close and hold her. “Honey, listen to me. You have to be strong. David needs you. But the shooter is coming. Be quiet. Don’t move.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know. But I’m here. Be brave,” I say, getting really close to her and shifting so that my body is shielding her from whatever is coming our way.
Katherine
My hands tremble so much that I miss the coffee table and the mug crashes to the floor, tea spilling everywhere. I step over the table, kneel in front of the television, and turn up the volume. When I see where the attacks happened, I think it is possible for a heart to literally break.
I dial Nico.
I dial him again.
And again.
And again, one time after the other, for ten minutes. It just rings and rings, and while I wait I pray that nothing has happened to him. That he is not one of the unfortunate souls. Then I call David and Geo. Over and over again, but there’s no answer.
Then I call Matt.
I hear the music from the club in the background. “Matt! Did you see the news?”
“What?” he says over the phone.
“The news. Did you see it?”
“I can’t hear you, Katie. Let me call you right back from the office.”
I try Nico again, and when he doesn’t answer, I don’t wait. I act.
I look through my files for my passport, stuff it in my purse, and leave.
Thinking of his last words to me—I’m really disappointed in you, corazón—I send a text and hope to God he gets it. He may not know what I mean, but I don’t care. I send it anyway. Those will not be the last words you say to me, Nico. I have a lot of things I need to say to you. But above all, I need you to know that I’m not a coward and that I love you. Please call me.
“What’s up?” Matt says when he calls back.
“Turn on the news. Call me back,” I say as I hightail it to the airport. The only thing on my mind is getting to Nico.
As I park my car, my phone rings again. I close my eyes, willing it to be Nico, but it’s Matt instead. “Oh my God! Please tell me you spoke with Nick. He’s not answering.”
“No!” I know I’m yelling, but I can’t control my nerves. I’m trembling outright at the moment. “Matt, oh God, Matt, he was there. They were going to that club. What if he…” I can’t even think of the words.
“I’m closing Panic. Where are you?”
“Just parked at the airport.”
“Airport?” I hear him shuffling around, and before I answer he says, “Okay, good. I’ll meet you there. Get me a ticket. Pay you back,” he says, then hangs up.
Hitching my purse high on my shoulder, I navigate through the airport until I find a ticket counter. I’m nervous about getting on a plane, but that worry is somewhere in the back of my mind, nearly completely eclipsed by my concern for Nico and the adrenaline pumping through my body.
I’m trembling so much at the counter that the woman who takes my credit card asks me if I’m okay. The only thing she is able to get me is two standby seats. I nod and swallow hard, wiping my hands against my pants a few times, fighting back nausea. I sit, my leg bobbing up and down, waiting for Matt to arrive. Thirty minutes later, Matt runs in, and I explain how we have to wait. The next flight is in an hour and I hope to God we can get seats on it.
Matt keeps squeezing the back of his neck. “I want to keep calling him, but at the same time I’m afraid that he may be trying to call us and I’m tying up the line.”
“I know. I feel the same. And Geo and David aren’t answering either.”
We sit in silence for a while. I have my eyes closed and am counting to ten over and over again. At last he asks, “Katie, how are you feeling? Are you really going to get on the plane?”
“I’m getting more and more scared. I think I was propelled by the urgency and adrenaline, but now that I’m sitting here and waiting, my mind is going crazy,” I admit, biting my nails. “I don’t know if I can do this.” I swallow back tears.
“I can go. You can stay if you want. I’ll let you know what’s going on as soon as I know something. Hell, you’ll probably know more than I will by the time I land.”
“No, I want to go. I think I can do it. I have my meds.” Even to myself I know I sound unsure. But I’m not going to let my fears conquer my need to get to Nico.
Matt is pacing the airport waiting area like a caged lion. We both resolve not to call Nico, Geo, or David again, but then we can’t help but pick up the phone and call.
Soon we find that we won’t be able to get on the flight we were hoping to catch. Now we’re going on three and a half hours at the airport with absolutely no news except what the televisions are reporting about the horrific events in Paris, which is just fueling our panic. I’m on Facebook going through their activated safety check to see if by any chance I am able to locate Nico or Geo or David, but I’m not having any luck, and I don’t know what else to do.
No matter what the distraction, my anxiety disorder always looms in the background. Even when I think I’m going to overcome it, bam!—it consumes me head to toe. When I find myself in the public bathroom throwing up, I decide I have to calm down or they will not let me on the plane. I throw some cold water on my face, close my eyes, and count to ten twice.
I’m blotting my face with a paper towel when my phone rings. My hands are shaking so uncontrollably with worry for Nico and fear of getting on the plane that I have to dump my purse on the counter to locate the ringing phone.
I swipe to accept the call. “Hello?”
“Katherine, it’s me,” Nico says, a lot of noise in the background. My knees give way at the sound of his voice.
“Nico! Oh my God! Are you okay? Where are you?” I’m throwing everything that has fallen to the floor back inside my purse as I talk. A warm sense of relief creeps from my toes up my body, explodi
ng in my chest. He’s alive! Everything else I can deal with.
“It’s bad,” is all he says.
“But you’re okay?”
He doesn’t speak for a moment, and I have to will myself not to pass out.
“Nico?”
“I—yeah, I’m fine. Geo…”
“Geo?”
“She’s…she’s not good. She was shot. I’m in the hospital with her now. Katherine, I—I don’t know if she’ll…” He doesn’t finish the sentence.
I’m afraid to ask. “And David?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, Katherine. I haven’t heard from him.”
I don’t know what to say. There isn’t anything to say. “We’re in the airport, Matt and I. We’re trying to get to—”
“No! Stay home. Don’t come here. I don’t know what’s happening here.”
“No, Nico. I already got the ticket. I need to see you myself, with my own eyes. Are you hurt at all?”
“I’m fine. Stay there. Both of you.” He says it sternly. “I just called to tell you I’m okay. I lost my phone. I borrowed this one from some guy.”
“Nico…”
“Don’t make me say it again. Stay there, both of you. I’ll call you when I can. I can’t worry about you getting here now.”
As I’m about to tell him I love him, the call disconnects.
Nico
After I hang up with Katherine, I call David’s phone again, but there’s still no answer. I hand the phone back to the man who lent it to me and continue to pace the hospital waiting room, which is packed full of people, bloodied and terrified—witnesses, victims, family members. Running my hand down my face, I grab for my beard, which is no longer there. Dried blood is caked under my fingernails, even after washing my hands several times, and I have blood all over my shirt. Shaking, I go to the bathroom and scrub my hands again. Will this blood ever come out? I hang my head, my hands gripping the sink, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t know what to do. Do I stay here and wait, or do I go back and look for David? Last I heard, Geo had been taken to surgery, but no one seems to be able to give me any more information. And I know that going back to the music venue will be a futile effort, since they won’t let me close to the scene. But just standing here doing nothing is driving me insane.
Pull Me Close: The Panic Series Page 23