Soundtracks of a Life

by Carina Lupo

  Suddenly, she feels a vibration in her pocket. She discretely pulls out her cell phone and glances down at the number on the caller ID. She immediately notices the reprimanding look on her sister’s face but chooses to ignore it and answer it anyway. She doesn’t recognize the number and can’t imagine who would possibly be calling her on Christmas day.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, yes, is this Susan Carmichael?” Susan doesn’t recognize the male voice at the other end.

  “Yes this is she.”

  “Oh good, yes, I’m glad to finally reach you. Hi, I’m Robert Matthews. I’m the manager of Hathaway Winery. I was told I could reach you on this number, you are Lorelai Hathaway’s manager right?”

  “Yes I’m,” she confirms and can’t help but feel her heart sink a little. This can’t be good.

  “Good, sorry to disturb you on Christmas, but I was wondering if you know of someone who could check up on Lorelai? I’m a bit worried about her. See… she came by the vineyards just a little earlier today, which in itself is very uncommon. She hasn’t been here for years now. She took her horse out to visit her family’s grave. She didn’t look all that well in the first place if you ask me… and afterwards, her horse came back to the stables on its own. I was worried maybe she was hurt or something so I went to look for her but then I saw her car was gone. She loves that horse… it’s strange she would just let him loose like that. I think someone should check in with her to make sure she’s OK, you know this time of year it is not easy for her… but I don’t know any of her friends which why I’m contacting you.”

  Susan’s heart sank even deeper. This is definitely not good. “Yes, indeed that is worrisome. I will have someone check in on her don’t worry. Thank you so much for calling.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  As soon as she hangs up she dials Lorelai’s number. The phone just rings and rings. No one picks up. She dials again, but still gets no answer, so she calls James. His number also rings with no answer. She tries him one more time without any luck.

  “Dammit.” She says out loud in frustration.

  “What’s wrong?” her sister asks concerned.

  “I have to go!” She says and her sister looks at her surprised.

  “Sorry, I have an emergency. I need to go to the airport.” Susan says apologetically.

  “Oh come on, it’s Christmas Susan, do you really have to leave to go babysit those messed up rock stars of yours?”

  “No Sarah, this one is different… trust me, she really needs help and I care about her.”

  “I know…” her sister replies resigned. “Ok girls, say goodbye to Auntie Susan, she needs to go.”

  “Awwww” her nieces reply in unison and come to her for a hug.

  “I’ll make it up to you guys I promise.” Susan apologizes profusely a few more times as she walks out the door and into her car. Once in the car she tries dialing James again but still no answer. She calls Ted.

  “Hello?”

  “Ted? Hi it’s Susan, listen are you in San Francisco still?”

  “No, I’m in Sacramento with my family, why?”

  “Damn. Okay. Well its Lorelai, I’m worried about her.”

  “Did you call James? He’s in the city.”

  “I did. Many times but he is not answering, I think they might be having their Christmas party and they’re not hearing the phone ring.”

  “Okay, I’ll keep trying to call him. Sorry Susan, I wish I could help but I’m an hour and half away.”

  “It’s okay, keep trying James. I’ll keep you posted.”

  She hangs up and thanks God that at least there is no traffic in LA on Christmas day and she is making record time to Van Nuys airport where the company Jet is getting ready for this last minute trip, much to the chagrin of the pilot she imagines...

  Once she reaches the parking lot of the airport she calls Chris. It’s a long shot but she tries anyway.

  **************

  I make the drive back from the winery in a very short time, speeding all the way back. I honestly didn’t care if I crashed along the way but I wasn’t so lucky. I take the elevator up, and enter my apartment, my mind still racing. I could feel my body bubbling up with all sorts of feelings I just can’t handle. It is so overwhelming it almost makes me dizzy.

  I take a sit at the piano and start writing a song[5]. In the back of my mind I think to myself maybe this will be my last…

  **************

  “Chris? It’s Susan.”

  “Hi,” Chris answers surprised, wondering why she was calling him today.

  “Listen, are you by any chance in San Francisco?”

  “No I was in Santa Barbara with my family, but I’m on my way there now why?”

  “Oh good! How long till you get there? I need you to check on Lorelai, I think she is unwell.” Susan then proceeds to tell him about the phone call she had received just a little earlier.

  “I can be there in half hour,” he answers, “twenty if I speed.” he says as he presses the gas a little harder, fear and worry taking a hold of him.

  “Okay, but drive carefully please. I’m boarding the plane right now. I’ll be there in an hour and half or so.”

  Chris hangs up and screams to himself, “Fuck. I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

  He takes his phone again and dials Lorelai’s number but no one picks up. He tries again and again but she doesn’t pick up. He knows this is not a good sign. He tries to keep his mind from exploring any scenarios of what might be happening. He is too afraid to go there. He takes a deep breath and just concentrates on getting there as fast as he possibly can.

  Chapter 22

  In a way, I guess I’ve always known my life would get to this point. It was something that seemed to hang over me, always in the background, like a ghost, waiting for its time. I leave the song I had just finished next to a letter for Chris. They are both my goodbye letters really.

  I slowly walk to the living room, a stark contrast to how fast my mind is racing at the moment. I slide open the glass door to the balcony, a gust of cold air blows in. It’s twilight now the sky has a pretty shade of blue that turns all the way to black on the far end of the sky… I always loved this hour. I feel the cold wind chilling my skin. I hold on to the cool railing and taking a deep breath slowly take the step up and over the railing onto the thin cement ledge that separates my apartment from the nothing of the street below. Tears run down my eyes and my breathing quickens. I stare at the dizzying height bellow me, a cold sweat of fear runs down my spine. I’m adjusting my feet between the small space available on the other side of the railing, when one of my feet slips. Instinctively I grab the railings firmly with all my strength and watch as one shoe plummets all the way down to the street below. I close my eyes and try to regroup. I focus on breathing for a moment. Slowly, my fear starts to subside until it is all but gone. Amazingly to my utter surprise, I start feeling an immense sense of peace. It is as if my whole body is welling up with it… peace like I had never experienced before. I realize now how tired my whole body and soul were to be living in such turmoil for what seemed like an eternity.

  This is it… I think to myself, all I have to do is just let go, surrender myself to this peace and there would be no more… no more pain.

  **************

  Chris was never so happy to see the highway exit leading into the city. He had driven like a lunatic, 90 miles per hour, since getting Susan’s phone call. He thanked the heavens it was Christmas day otherwise he would had definitely been stopped by the Highway Patrol. Now he could only hope that in spite his efforts he was not too late.

  **************

  My mind is filled with images of Chris. It is all I can think of right now. I have flashbacks of our first kiss back in LA, his smile as he shows me the romantic dinner he prepared in my hotel room, us goofing off in the surfboard… My mind is filled with his face, his kisses, his hugs, his love…

  I’m going to hurt h
im so much…

  I’m going to hurt them all so much…

  I open my tear drenched eyes and take a deep breath. Through the tears I try to focus on the San Francisco skyline stretching out in front of me. I know I can’t go through with it. I slowly and carefully make my way back over the railing pushing myself back inside the balcony. As soon as my feet touch the stone surface, my knees buckle beneath me and I drop to the floor, trembling and crying.

  **************

  Chris reaches the main entrance to Lorelai’s apartment building. A single shoe lying on its side on the sidewalk catches his attention. He looks upwards and sees her balcony window open and the curtains wildly blowing out in the wind. His heart starts beating even faster. He jams his finger on the elevator call button multiple times as if that way it would somehow know that it needed to hurry. But the elevator doesn’t care and seems to take an eternity to arrive. Chris considers going by stairs but figures that will just take longer so he impatiently remains waiting. The ride up takes a lifetime but he finally makes it to her door. He is afraid of what he may find inside but that doesn’t slow him down. With the key she had given him a few days earlier he unlocks the door and runs into the living room.

  A wave of relief washes over him as he sees her alive and unharmed sitting on the balcony floor. Through her red teary eyes and swollen face, she looks at him with a mix of shock and surprise. Chris fully understands the situation as she says to him in a thin desperate voice, “I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t do it…”

  He would have been too late in the end.

  He takes her in his arms and holds her tight, her body limp against his. She never felt so frail, so breakable. She lets her head rest against his chest as she fiercely cries all while repeating “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Chris knew she was still in shock from the nightmare of almost ending her life just a few moments earlier. “It’s alright Lor. It’s over, I’m here,” he consoles and continues to embrace her, his own tears running down his face.

  By the time she finally calms down enough she is so completely drained and weak she can hardly stand. “We don’t have to talk about it now,” Chris says with immense tenderness in his eyes. “Just go lie down and rest a little. I’ll be right here with you.” He notices she only has one of her shoes on. It turns his stomach inside out to think about it. He leads her to bed, sits next to her and waits until she is sound asleep. It only takes a couple of minutes. Returning to the living room, he catches his breath still feeling violently sick from the whole incident. Strewn on the floor, he notices an open box with photo albums and single pictures scattered all across the floor. He kneels down to look at them. They are all pictures from Lorelai’s childhood with her family. Even after all this time they’ve been together, he had hardly ever seen any pictures of her family. He knew that she didn’t like to keep them around, it was too painful. He slowly starts to pick them up and placing them back into the box. He didn’t want them lying around when she woke up. He takes the box to the closet and as he is returning to the living room he sees on top of the piano, a sheet of music with a new song written on it. Next to it is another paper with the lyrics and next to that is an envelope with his name on it. He picks up the envelope and opens, pulling a handwritten letter out.

  “Dear Chris

  I can only start with saying I’m sorry. You deserve so much better.

  I’m so sorry for so many things, I’m sorry I dragged you into this,

  I’m sorry I made you love me, I’m sorry I’m so weak, I’m sorry to give up…

  You’ve been a bright light in my life so filled with darkness.

  And I know you won’t believe it now but you did save me you know?

  In so many ways…

  I’m sorry I couldn’t find my way out even though you shined so bright.

  I hope you can understand and forgive me one day. Tell the guys and

  Susan I’m sorry too. I love you all so much.

  I love you so much.

  Your Lor, always.”

  He never imagined that words could hurt as much as they did right now. It felt like the cold steel of a knife was plunged into his chest. With the letter clutched tightly in his fist he walks over to the fireplace. In anger, he grabs the matches off the mantle, lights one and holds the letter in his hand and watches it burn, singing his skin as it burns completely still in his hand. He never wanted to read those words again… he never wanted anyone to see those words ever. He takes one more look at the song. He considers burning that too, he picks up another match, lights it up but he can’t push himself to do it.

  **************

  Susan finally arrives at Lorelai’s apartment after an excruciating trip from LA. When her plane landed she called Chris but he didn’t answer. He would have called her if things were fine… the thought brings chills to her spine but by now she figures it’s better to just go there and deal with whatever is in store for her.

  She knocks on the door once and then, in her impatience, immediately tries to open the door. To her surprise, the door to the apartment swings open and she sees Chris sitting on the couch looking like he had been to hell and back. Her heart skips a beat and for a moment she feels like she might throw up but then he says, “She’s fine.”

  Susan takes a deep breath of relief. “Thank God, why didn’t you call me before?”

  “That doesn’t mean we weren’t too late.”

  “Oh… is she hurt?”

  “No. She tried to kill herself by jumping from the balcony. Considering one of her shoes is downstairs I would say she got pretty damn close to it too.” She notices the words still left a bitter taste in his mouth. “I got here too late… but she didn’t do it.” He continues, “She was sitting on the balcony, crying when I arrived. She’s asleep in her room now. As you can imagine she is a real mess.”

  “Oh God... this is the best news and the worst news all jumbled into one.” Susan replies not sure exactly how to feel about all that. She takes a seat in the living room and joins him in their mutually shared state of shock.

  “Look, maybe we are jumping to conclusions.” She says “Maybe it wasn’t so bad…”

  “She left a note… a goodbye note.” Chris cuts Susan off. “I burnt it.” He continued before she could say anything else, the look in his eyes told her to drop the subject. Susan shakes her head in disgust, “well, we have to focus on the fact she didn’t go through with it. She is alive. We’ll help her be fine again.” Chris nods his head and gives her a halfhearted smile.

  They sit there in silence for some time until they hear someone at the door. Susan gets up and opens to find Ted and James standing outside the apartment.

  “Is everything okay?” James asks immediately worried.

  “Yeah, she’s ok, come out of the hallway, we’ll fill you in.”

  They both look at her relieved. “Sorry I didn’t answer your many calls Susan,” James says as they walk in. “We were having a party and we never heard the phone. It wasn’t until Ted dropped by that I even knew what was going on. I’m sorry, I feel terrible.”

  “It’s okay,” Susan says to them. “Sit down, we better have a talk.”

  Chapter 23

  My tired eyes blink open and I lay awake in bed. The room is dark, except for a tiny sliver of light coming through the partially open door. My mind reels back over everything that had happened just hours before. I feel a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It all seems like just a nightmare now, but I know it isn’t. I hear people chattering coming from the living room. I instantly recognize the voices, everybody’s here…

  Exhausted, I sit up in my bed and stare at nothing for a while, feeling terribly ashamed. It was so embarrassing to face them after this episode and like that wasn’t bad enough, I had screwed up their Christmas to top it all off.

  I sigh, a heavy sigh, shaking my head to myself. I know I can’t hide here forever no matter how much I may want to. I wash my face in the bathroom and solemnly walk toward t
he voices. As soon as I enter the living room the conversation comes to an abrupt halt. I intentionally avoid making eye contact with Chris. I feel so bad I can hardly look at him right now.

  “I’m glad you are alright Lor,” James says to me breaking the awful silence. He takes me in his arms for a long hug. Ted gets up as well and joins in the hug. “We’re here for you girl. We all are,” he says to me tenderly. The emotions taking a hold of me are more than I can stand. I burst into tears. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...” Chris gets up now. I know he’s feeling protective and comes over to me to console me. “It’s okay,” he says. “You’re safe here with us.” Susan gives me a hug wiping tears from her eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry. “The important thing is that you are here and you have wonderful friends around you,” she says.

  There are so many different emotions going through me that I can’t sort them all out. I feel spent but mostly feel blessed to have them all with me right now.

  “I know this is a serious time and I don’t want to interrupt the love fest moment we are having,” Ted says sheepishly breaking our tender group moment, “but, am I the only one really starving right now?” After a moment of silence we all burst out laughing. The honest but inappropriate timing of the comment finally breaks the underlining tension in the room.

  “Ted!” James says appalled, “You’re such a douche.”

  “I’m sorry man, but I’m really hungry,” he says exasperated. “I never had a chance to eat dinner before I came here.”