“What did you just say?”
“I believe I have failed Lori Raines. But there’s nothing more I can do. Her husband is unsupportive, to say the least, while I stand by, helplessly observing her decline while her disease progresses. No, I’m not satisfied.”
“Well then, I’m glad we had this little talk. What did you learn from this case, hmm?”
I stared at the portrait on the wall. Somehow, I felt that it spoke to me. It reflected and glowed like a magical charm. “That I’m not satisfied?”
“What do you usually do in such a case, Doctor? Or, has it been awhile since you have been dissatisfied with an outcome? No, don’t answer that. Just consider this: have you done all that you can? If you have, you will feel satisfied. If not, well, you won’t. Only you can answer the question.”
I sat for a moment. I felt mesmerized by a stream of light that appeared to emanate from the portrait on the wall. As if on cue, Dean Skelton began to speak.
“The scene that has captured your imagination is one of myself, thirty years ago. Surprised? Don’t be. You, too, will look quite different thirty years from now. But there is a good chance that you may also feel quite differently as well. Doctor, no matter what the case, no matter what the outcome, if you do not feel that you have done all that you can, then you have an obligation to do more. I cannot tell you explicitly how to do that. But, I can tell you this: if you do not do all that you can, you will be dissatisfied. Only you can decide how much is enough, and how much you can tolerate. I do know what I am talking about, hmm?”
“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”
“Never tolerate a regret. Regrets can be unforgettable. Perhaps unforgivable.” Dean Skelton snapped his glasses into a neat case and dropped them into the front pocket of his white coat. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another meeting to attend.” He extended his hand. “Good day and good luck, Dr. Spezia. You’re on your way. Things aren’t as simple as they seem, hmm? Wasn’t it Aristotle who said that? Well, it doesn’t matter who said it, I suppose—it’s true, isn’t it?”
I gazed at the portrait. “Yes sir.” The Dean was right. I rose from my chair and strolled into the drafty hall. I had to do more for Mrs. Raines—much, much more.
I didn’t like the look on Mary’s face. She looked like she just spotted a tornado, or maybe even a ghost.
“What is it, Mary?” I said. “What’s wrong?”
She folded a slip of yellow note paper, and stuffed it into my palm.
“Your sister called, and lemme tell you, she was fightin’ mad. Said to tell you to call her the minute you got in.”
“Rosa said that to you?”
“That and more. If I were you, and I’m so glad I’m not, I would call her back ASAP.” Since Mary wasn’t known for her social etiquette, I took her advice. My sister answered on the first ring.
“Hi Rosa, it’s…”
“I know who it is, Tom.” Rosa said. A few seconds of stony silence elapsed.
“Is this an emergency?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, what’s wrong? Is someone hurt?”
“You know very well why I am calling you.”
“Rosa, I am at work. I am behind on my charts, and…”
“Why are you ignoring Gabrielle?”
“Gabrielle? What? I haven’t seen her for…”
“That’s just it. She says she left at least five messages on your message machine. None of them—not a single one was returned, Tom. Oh, and she said you were supposed to meet her at the shooting range last night for a little target practice, maybe go out for a beer. But no, you never showed. You stood her up, Tom.”
Uh-oh. There was no excuse. Besides that, alibis take a lot of energy. I was exhausted.
“You are right, Rosa. I’m a jerk.”
Ha! Silence on the other end. Gotcha Rosa.
“Don’t you like her?”
Rosa was never one to let me have the last word.
“Sure I do,” I said. “I’m just busy.”
“Call her.”
“Rosa, please, I…”
“We’re all busy, Tom. Call her. Tonight.”
From the moment I arrived at my apartment that evening, I felt uneasy. Something felt “different.” What was it? It was Rosa’s phone call, I decided. My sister didn’t understand what my life was like these days. I’m not even sure I understood it.
I tiptoed past Apartment 1-A, and hoped with all my heart that Cynda wouldn’t open the door—you know, to “talk.” Tonight, I was looking forward to something I hadn’t had for what seemed like a long time: solitude. My feet quickened their pace, and climbed the creaky stairway to the second floor.
I didn’t like what I saw.
The door to my apartment looked slightly ajar. When I took a few steps and pushed, the door opened wide. The familiar scents of garlic, onions and simmering tomatoes wafted into the hallway. I thought of my grandmother’s spaghetti sauce, the one my mother and Rosa still made every Sunday, standing side by side in the kitchen.
I stepped into the living room and listened for a moment. Did I hear music? The grandmother clock chimed six times.
“Rosa?” I said, “are you in here?”
The lyrics to Honky Tonk Woman blared from the rear of the apartment.
“Okay,” I said, “Who’s there? I’m calling the cops!”
“Somebody beat you to it, Spezia.”
I never thought my eyes would blink, ever again. They didn’t want to close, even for a mini-second. Gabrielle approached me, wearing a half-smile on her glossy lips—and little else.
“This cop got tired of waiting for you to call,” she said. “So, she called you. You really should lock your front door, Dr. Spezia.”
“When did you get here?”
“Is that really what you want to know about me?”
Her kisses were warm and sweet, and tasted like wild cherry wine. When she pressed her body against mine, a raging fire coursed through my body. Even now, I couldn’t tell you what she was—or wasn’t—wearing. I figured that a wise man knows when to accept surrender—and enjoy defeat.
The following morning, I woke up beside her. After that night, I hoped I always would.
THIRTEEN
Trapped in the world of a fitful sleep, Lori saw a stranger without a face. She began to run. Her breath grew shorter. The mist swirled around her. The rain fell harder. Thunder crashed and boomed. Finally, Lori saw the face. It was Starr! Dressed in her tight white pants, the blonde laughed and chased her, laughing, always laughing…
Terrified, Lori stared into the blackness. The air reeked of bleach and bandages. A starched pillowcase grazed her cheek. This was not her bed. The mattress felt too wide.
Muffled whispers broke the silence. Lori winced and peered into the shadows. In the dim room, she could barely distinguish a man and a woman, now engaged in a passionate embrace. She couldn’t be certain, but to her, those folks sure looked like Eddie and Starr. A smoldering kiss, followed by another, and yet another, made her heart ache Eddie used to kiss her like that, sure did. Until now, she thought he had forgotten how.
Lori tried to speak, but her lips felt cakey and dry. Her tongue simply refused to move. At last, she glimpsed the first light of dawn. When the sun rose over the horizon, her curiosity overcame the wounds of betrayal. The rumpled sheets rustled beneath her frail body.
“Eddie?” Lori said. “That you Eddie?”
The startled couple separated. Someone dashed from the room into the hall.
Bedside her, someone waited by her bed.
“Hey,” Eddie said.
His hand reached for hers, and Lori thought how strong it felt, clasped in her own. Still, she wanted to scream and curse his infidelity. Yet, when she opened her mouth, her voice sounded raspy and old.
“How’d I end up in here, Eddie? I mean, I just got home, didn’t I?”
“You passed out again, Princess. I hoped you’d come around, but you never did. Starr helped me
load you into the Pontiac. Without her, I don’t know where you’d be right now—probably dead. You almost stopped breathing this time, girl. We almost lost you.”
Lori turned and stared at the plaster wall.
“Lori?” Eddie said. “You okay?”
“Starr staying at our house?”
“She helps out now and then, yeah.”
Lori studied a wooden crucifix on the plaster wall. Barely secured by a rusty nail, it looked as if it might fall at any moment.
“Eddie, you know I don’t have long. So do I. Can’t do nothing about it.”
“I know that, baby. I’m here for you, ain’t I? I’m doing for you like I always said I would. I know Dr. Spezia don’t think much of me. But, you know the truth. That’s all that matters to me.”
“Yeah, Eddie. Like I was saying. Now let me finish.”
“Okay then. What’s on your mind?”
“I know I’m not being much of a wife to you any more. Seems my job is filled.”
“Do we have to talk about this now?”
“Yeah, Eddie. We do. I’m not coming home. ”
“You know what I think? I think you need some of those pain pills.”
“I want you to be happy.” Lori gazed at her husband. “You know what I’m talking about?
“You know, don’t you?” Eddie hooked his thumbs in his pockets, and rocked back and forth on his toes.
“I heard about some new places in Las Vegas. I think I’m going to go out there. Maybe even do a little singing and dancing again, who knows?” The faint glow of a smile couldn’t erase the sadness in her eyes. “Go live your life without a sick lady.”
“But Lori, I don’t see why… “ Eddie’s voice grew hoarse, and he stopped himself.
“You will,” Lori said. She tried to take a deep breath, but the pain stopped her. Here goes nothing, she thought.
“Eddie, the truth is, I don’t love you anymore.” The biggest lie of her life just crossed her lips, spoken to the only man she ever loved. Her heart felt old and broken, but somehow, it continued to beat. This was the only way. “You’ll be better off with Starr. She loves you, and—”
When Eddie started to sob, Lori faced the plaster wall. She didn’t want him to see her tears. She recalled how his forehead crinkled, trying to comprehend something he didn’t, couldn’t and never would understand.
“Princess, I don’t believe you don’t love me.” Sunlight streamed through the wide windows, smeared with pigeon droppings. His hands covered his eyes. His mouth crumpled like used tissue paper. “Okay, look…I haven’t been perfect. But, it’s been too hard, Lori. I miss you—miss the good times, you know, like we had.” The corners of his mouth struggled to smile. “I want them back… I want you back.”
“I told you, Eddie. I’m going to Las Vegas. Don’t follow me.”
Eddie’s voice cracked. “You can’t go out there all alone.”
“We’re both better off this way.”
“I don’t love you anymore.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Why not? It’s the truth.” Lori grabbed at a loose thread from the edge of the frayed sheet and began to unravel it, inch by inch. Helped to steady her nerves.
“I said I’m sorry, Princess.”
“I don’t want you to feel sorry for anything. I think you’re a good man. Don’t ever think otherwise.”
“A good man takes care of his wife.”
“And you did. Now, I just want to be free for whatever time I’ve got left.
Comprehension flooded his face. “Okay. I get that part. Baby, are you sure you know what you want? What’s the doctor say?”
“I don’t care what the doctor says. Let me go.”
“But Lori, what if you don’t make it?”
She smiled. “Lots of questions, huh, Eddie? That’s for me to worry about. I haven’t had much excitement for a while, Eddie. I miss the lights and the stage and the dresses and the way the audience clapped just for me. Remember how I used to sing and dance? I want to live like that again, before it’s too late. I’m just asking you to let me go. I want to be free. Tell me you understand that part, Eddie.”
Eddie stared at his wife of almost seven years, long and hard. “Call me sometime?” he said.
Lori felt so hot and dizzy, she thought her face would melt. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Eddie stopped crying. He struggled to force a smile. “Are you sure you know what you want?”
“Yes. I do.”
Eddie sighed. “Okay. If that will make you happy, then go. You know where you can find me. Come home when you…I mean, if you…” His shoulders trembled with sobs, and he slouched through the door—almost. He turned and stared at her, one long, last moment. “Princess?”
“Yeah, Eddie?”
“I don’t believe you don’t love me.” His voice wavered. Tears ran down his cheeks. “Never will.” The door slammed behind him.
Lori stared at the ceiling. Finally, she allowed herself to consider the big question—the one that loomed in the dark corners of her mind. After all, no one could predict her future.
What if she didn’t die?
FOURTEEN
Dottie Pennybaker’s flabby chins jiggled like fresh jello. While she hustled through the hall, she decided she wouldn’t leave until she talked to that nice young doctor. Couldn’t for the life of her recall his name, but that didn’t matter. Only person needed to remember that was Lori.
Somehow, she ended up on the nursery floor, with her wide nose pressed against the window of the Newborn Nursery. She paused for a moment in front of the cool plate glass, smudged with an impressive array of fingerprints. Hadn’t been that long ago, when she first stood in this very spot with Velma, Lori’s mother, and got her first look at Lori. Oh my, she was a pretty baby! Tears welled in her blue eyes. She blinked hard, until they stopped and she dabbed her cheeks with a folded tissue. This was no time for tears.
She needed to find that nice doctor. If she could just catch her breath, and take one good gulp of air…Oh my! The air smelled so stuffy. Beads of sweat streamed down her temples. With each step she took, her heart seemed to throb a bit harder. She clutched at her pendulous breasts.
“Oh my!” Dottie said. “Where is that nice doctor?”
All around her, dishes clattered, telephones jingled, infants wailed and beepers beeped. Her steps slowed until finally, her body collapsed in a heap.
Dottie Pennybaker lay in the middle of the busy corridor.
Alone.
Mary stared at me with apprehension. “Yeah, ‘an then what’d he say? You tell him it was my gun?”
“Of course not.” I grabbed another banana muffin from a chipped ceramic plate. “These are really good muffins, Mary. Did you bake these?”
“Me? No, D’Yan did. Y’know, she’s a good cook.”
“How’s the baby?”
“Oh, is he ever smart! You know, he just looks at you like he knows he’s got it going on, know what I mean? ‘Course, D’Yan is smart, too. She wanted to be a doctor. Did I ever tell you that?”
“No, you didn’t.” I licked my fingers and brushed away the crumbs. “Really good. Please tell her that for me, will you?”
“Sure I will.” A long pause elapsed before she spoke again. “You going to tell Miz Raines about her friend? Or am I?”
I hated the thought of it. “I suppose I’ve been avoiding that, Mary.”
“What if she wants to visit Mrs. P. in the hospital? It’s her right, now. She sure knew what was up with her husband and Blondie. Prob’ly the only friend Miz Raines really has.”
I stared at Mary. “I don’t know about that.” I rose from my chair. “I’ll go in and tell her what happened to Mrs. Pennybaker. That is her name, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, you got that right. Hey, you didn’t tell me what else the Dean said.”
“He talked about regrets. Being dissatisfied.”
Mary brushed the crumbs from her mouth. “Yeah?”
“He said as long as I always did my best, I wouldn’t regret anything I did or didn’t do.”
“Sounds right to me. But you know, a person can do their best, and it still might not be enough. Look at Miz Raines in there. Looks to me like she done her best.” Mary shook her head. “But it shore don’t look like enough to keep everybody happy. Sometimes, you know, the sky falls anyway.”
“I’ll go and talk to her.” I turned and faced her. “I forgot to ask you about those drugs you thought were missing from the cabinet. Did you hear any more on that?”
“Where you been? I thought everyone knew. Some folks around here think that Dr. Freeman in on it. Some nurses, they say he been feeling real good these days…too good. I heard the administration looking into it. But, you know how long that takes around here.”
“Well, we don’t want to spread any more rumors, Mary. I’ll go talk to Mrs. Raines now.”
“You do that, Doctor. Maybe it will make you feel better.”
From the corner of my eye, I glimpsed the door to the drug cabinet, hanging by a lone hinge. It looked empty.
“Mary!” I said. “Come here! You’ve got to see this!”
“I’m comin’!”
Mary stood next to me, breathless and fuming. “Whoever worked the last shift is gonna hear ‘bout this,” she said. “As soon as you put out the fire down in Miz Raines’ room.”
We both knew how long that could take.
Freeman checked his reflection in the mirror. Not bad for a guy who hadn’t slept in…he couldn’t recall. Didn’t matter anyway, because at midnight tonight, he had a date.
His beeper vibrated. No way! No way was he going to miss his rendezvous in the Call Room with Sweet Tricia Anne Dixon, all the way from Texas. My, oh my. Might as well call the fools and see what they wanted this time. Might buy him some valuable time a little bit later. He dialed the house phone.
“City Hospital, Operator Number 5.”
“Dr. Freeman answering a page.”
“Hold on, I’ll connect you.”
“Oh, goody.” He glanced at his watch. 11:56 p.m.
“Dr. Freeman? It’s Penny from the ER.”
Penny from the ER. Nice voice. Need to check her out.
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