by Tara Pammi
All his life he had fought for everything he had. But he hadn’t been able to make his mother happy before she died, he had never received his father’s acknowledgment or praise and he hadn’t been able to save Eduardo.
If he did anything to manipulate Kim now, if he fell any lower—even if it was because he loved her—he would probably only destroy her, as he had done Eduardo, and she had already suffered enough.
He closed his eyes and threw his head back. Grief scratched at his throat, and his muscles were burning with the need to fight, to bring her back into his life.
But he couldn’t.
He couldn’t force her to love him—not as he loved her. With every breath in him. With every cell in him. And letting her go meant letting go of the dream he had looked for with her and his children.
He had no doubt she would love their babies, whatever her fears.
In the end, after everything he had done to get to this stage in life, he was terrifyingly powerless again—and alone with it all.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“ARE YOU GOING to avoid me for the rest of our lives?”
Kim drew a sharp breath, her fork freezing midway to her mouth, as Liv’s words flew across the lounge like loaded missiles. She had been back in New York for a week now and had been dreading confrontation. But this wasn’t one she had prepared herself for.
She had forgotten that Liv still had a key to her apartment. And she had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn’t even heard the front door being opened.
Liv joined her at the dining table, her gaze brimming with concern—and something else. Almost fear.
“Hey, Liv.”
She lifted her fork to her mouth and took a bite of pasta. She chewed on it, forcing herself to keep at bay the nausea that had been threatening all day. It had become worse the moment she had returned—as though her body had gone into fully fledged revolt the minute she had got off the plane from the island.
Away from Diego.
Liv pulled a chair out, sat down at the table and studied her.
“You look like hell, Kim. You shouldn’t look like this.”
Kim nodded, and ran her palm over her midriff. She raised her head and met Liv’s gaze. “I just haven’t been sleeping well. I have been taking good care of myself, Liv,” she said guiltily. “I’ve cut down my hours. I’ve been eating lots.” She pushed her chair back and hugged Liv. Hard. “You look wonderful, though.”
Liv’s arms tightened around her. “Please tell me this is just you being hormonal. Because you’re scaring me.”
Kim bit her lip, striving to hold back the raw ache in her throat. “You and Alex okay?” she said softly. Every time she saw one of them she felt the knot of guilt in her stomach relent a little. As different as they were, Alex was the perfect man for her sister.
If Diego hadn’t stopped her Alex wouldn’t have fallen in love with Liv, and she wouldn’t have the babies growing in her womb... A shiver went over her.
“I’m not here to talk about Alexander and me.”
Kim laughed and pulled back from her. “That means you’re fighting again?”
Liv shrugged. “He’s angry that I forged his signature on Emily’s parental release form so that she can screen-test for a movie role,” she replied, a guilty blush stealing into her cheeks.
“You forged his...? God, Liv. I know how he is about his sister. How could you?”
“Acting’s in her blood, Kim. She was going to do it whether he agreed or not. And Alexander...when he loves someone...it’s just so...” She hesitated, a little shiver spewing into her words. “Emily doesn’t realize how easily she can hurt him. And I would rather he be pissed off with me than—”
“Than be hurt by her?” Kim finished for Liv, her gut folding in on itself.
She stared at her twin, a fog falling away from her eyes. They looked similar, yet they were so different on the inside. Even before their mother had left Liv had always somehow understood their mother’s pain.
Hadn’t that always been the difference between them? Liv’s ability to put everything she loved before herself? To take that leap again and again, even if it pained her? To risk everything for love?
Kim had always assumed that she was the stronger one—the one in control, the one with no weaknesses. What if her strength had only been a self-delusion? Was she a coward after all? A coward who didn’t believe herself worthy of being loved?
She had been so sure she loved Diego, but apparently only if there were no risks involved, only if she was sure that he would return her feelings.
“I’m worried about you, Kim,” Liv said. “Alexander told me you asked him to recommend a good custody lawyer. And yesterday Diego came to see me.”
“He did what?” Kim’s fork clattered to the table. “He was in New York?” And he hadn’t even called her.
Liv nodded, worry creasing her brow. “He...he wanted me to give you something. He said he didn’t want you to open it alone. I think he’s worried about you. When I asked him why he didn’t do it himself, he said he was done running after you.”
Liv opened her handbag and pulled out an envelope from it.
Fear curled up in her stomach and Kim braced herself.
He hadn’t called her. He hadn’t responded to her email. Every second of every day for the past week she had been on tenterhooks, waiting to hear something, anything from him. And she had a terrifying feeling about the contents of that envelope.
He was going to sue her for custody. He was going to take the babies away from her.
Just the passing thought was enough to plunge her into an abyss of panic. Her hands moved to her stomach and she shuddered. Her lungs felt as if they were seizing up on her.
She sagged to the floor and tucked her head between her legs.
Her palm on Kim’s back, Liv whispered something, but Kim could hear nothing past the terror clawing through her. She couldn’t even bear the thought of being forced to part with her children, the thought of not seeing them every day for the rest of her life.
How cold-hearted had her mother been to walk away so easily from them? Kim couldn’t imagine making that choice if her life depended on it.
Maybe she would have a little girl with a golden gaze and a distinct nose like Diego’s, and a boy with jet-black hair and a penchant for fighting. She would love her kids no matter what life threw at her. She would spend every minute...
A choked sound fell from her mouth.
There it was. The connection. The joy she had wanted to feel for so long. She closed her eyes and gripped the feeling closer to her heart. She curled up on the floor and gave in to the tears scratching her throat.
She couldn’t share it with Diego. Couldn’t tell him of the joy overflowing within her at the thought of the children they had created together. Couldn’t tell him she finally understood what he had experienced from the minute she had told him about the pregnancy.
And now he was going to take them away from her.
Liv joined her on the floor and hugged her. “God, Kim. What are you doing to yourself?”
Kim wiped her tears and steadied herself. At least now she had the strength to fight for her kids—she couldn’t expect Diego to give up his rights, but she was damned if she would either.
“If you don’t want to open this now—”
She shook her head. “No. Better to get this over with...”
Casting her a worried look, Liv tore the envelope. Her mouth tight, she scanned the documents rapidly.
“This is a motion to start divorce proceedings. You’re to have full custody and there’s a note requesting minimum visitation rights to the...children?”
Kim gasped, every inch of her trembling with relief and shock.
“Wait... What does he mean children? Oh my God, you’re having twins?”
Clutching Liv’s hand, Kim nodded. Her vision was blurred. Her head felt dizzy. Delayed shock was setting in.
He was divorcing her. He was giving
her full custody...
Liv skimmed through the papers in her hand again. “He will never contest your custody rights in any way. He...”
Saliva pooled in Kim’s mouth, followed by a wave of nausea pushing its way up her throat. She kept her hand on her stomach.
Liv threw the papers on the table and knelt in front of her. She squeezed Kim’s fingers, her gaze filled with shock. “It’s so strange, isn’t it? After everything he did to get you into his life, he’s agreeing to all this.”
An empty chill pervaded Kim’s limbs, sucking out every ounce of emotion from her. This was it. “He’s finally given up on me.”
“What?”
“He’s finally realized I’m not worthy of him after all.”
Liv shook her head violently. “That’s BS, and you know it.”
Kim wiped her tears with the back of her hand. The sooner she accepted the truth, the better now. She missed Diego as if she had a hole in her heart, but she would tailor her life better for her kids. Starting with telling Liv the truth.
“I lied to you, Liv. All those years ago when Mom left.”
Liv stared at her, her gaze searching Kim’s. Fear clouded her eyes. “What?”
“I found her note the previous night. She was going to take you with her.”
“She didn’t say a word to me.”
“Because I stopped her. I threatened to tell Dad if she even touched you. I was selfish. I couldn’t bear the fact that she would take you from me. I couldn’t—”
“You didn’t ask her why she wasn’t taking you?”
“Everything that Dad did to you—it was my fault. If you had left with her... She did love you, Liv. You should know that.”
Her twin laughed, the sound full of bitterness. “Isn’t it weird how you’re blind to what she was?” She clasped Kim’s cheeks, her own eyes full of tears now. “You can’t blame yourself. You did everything in your power to shield me from Dad. And Mom didn’t love you or me—not enough. The moment you threatened her escape she decided I wasn’t worth it either. Don’t you see? She wasn’t strong enough for that. She was never strong enough for us.”
Kim’s heart felt as if it was bursting with emotion. The love shining in Liv’s eyes was enough to pull the last bit of wool from her eyes.
God, she had been such a fool. She had let guilt and pain rob so much from her. Her mother hadn’t robbed it from her. She had done that to herself. And now she was letting her fear rob her of Diego, wasn’t she? Failing herself even before she took the leap?
“And even if she had been, do you think I’d have gone with her? Left you behind?” Now her sister’s words vibrated with pain. “You are my sister. You’re all I had—all I have. What I don’t get is why you have let it hurt you so much. All these years you just accepted her decision, you let it weigh everything you’ve done.”
“What was I supposed to do?”
“You are supposed to fight for yourself. You shouldn’t have let her cowardly decision have so much power over you. You always fought for me. You stood up to Dad every time he came at me. Why do you think you deserve any less?”
Kim’s tears ran over her cheeks as she stared at Liv. She had no answer. It was what she was doing again with Diego. Instead of fighting for herself—fighting for her love— instead of fighting for her babies she was walking away to protect herself.
So what if he didn’t love her? So what if he only wanted their marriage to work for the sake of the children? He took care of her, he pampered her, he understood her stubbornness and he had stood by her when she had been crumbling. It was more affection than she had ever received from anyone.
She scrubbed her cheeks and grabbed the papers from the table. “You’re right. I am going to fight for myself.” Her stomach churned with fear, but she couldn’t let it stop her now. Her fingers shaking, she tore the documents Liv had brought into so many pieces. “Can you please call Alex? I need transportation.”
Her eyes wide, Liv laughed as she followed her into her bedroom. Kim plucked at her suitcase, which she still hadn’t emptied, opened it, threw the clothes into a pile and started throwing others in. Mostly shorts and tank tops, nightwear.
She slipped her laptop into its case, tucked in the power cord, followed by her cell phone charger and her wallet. She quickly called her assistant, informed her of her travel plans and hung up while the woman was still struggling to grapple with what she’d just been told.
After three years of non-stop work, Kim knew her team was obviously surprised that she was now taking vacations so frequently. But they were an expertly trained team, and she could do her job from wherever Diego was just as easily as she could in New York.
She made another call to her VP of Operations and informed her she should start a headhunt for another CEO. Effective immediately, she was going to cut down her hours. And when the time came she would need maternity leave, too.
Excitement mixed with fear thrummed through her veins, making her a little light-headed.
Liv stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. “Whoa...Kim.... Slow down.” Her mobile mouth was frozen in shock. “Wow, you’re really doing this.”
“Yep, and I can’t stop, Liv,” she said, walking back into the kitchen and throwing her multivitamins into her handbag. “I have to keep moving, I have to get on a plane before I start thinking. Diego was right. I should get a device that stops my brain from overthinking.”
“He said that?”
Kim nodded, the memory of his smile lending her courage.
“Alex’s pilot should be ready in half an hour. Do you want me to come with you? Bring Alexander to take on Diego?”
A laugh barreled out of her and Kim kissed Liv’s cheek. Hugged her again.
“No. I’m going to be fine. Whether in the name of revenge or my pregnancy, Diego always fought for us.” She had to believe that and she had to do the same. “If he hadn’t cared he could have sued for custody. After all the things I told him he still trusted me enough, believed in me enough, that I would love our children. He’s fought for our relationship with everything he has in him. Now it’s time I do the same.” She clasped Liv’s hands in hers, her throat closing up again. “We’re good, aren’t we?”
Liv nodded and kissed her cheek again. “Of course. Whatever happens, you always have me.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
DIEGO HAD NO idea how long he had been pushing himself in the huge state-of-the-art gym that he’d had specially built on the island. His muscles groaned under the rigor he was putting himself through. It felt as if his flesh had morphed into points of torture and then turned inward.
But he couldn’t stop. He hadn’t been able to stop for the past week, since Kim had left. He had flown back and forth to New York within a day, worked from morning to evening and then punished himself with a brutal workout each evening, so that when he went to bed he hoped to be so exhausted that sleep came.
It hadn’t worked. Even with his body turning into a bruising pulp he couldn’t fall asleep. He was beginning to feel like a ticking bomb.
The days stretched torturously ahead of him, with memories of Kim pricking into him wherever he turned.
He was beginning to hate the island, after everything he had done to own it.
He’d seen Miguel and Anna poke their heads in a couple of times at the entrance to the gym.
They were worried about him. He got that. But nothing could puncture his need for physical pain right now. Nothing else could numb the emptiness he felt inside.
* * *
It was midnight by the time he walked toward his bedroom. He had showered at the gym, yelled his head off at Anna and Miguel when they’d tried to talk to him and then wandered on the beach for more than a couple of hours.
And he still wasn’t tired. Every nerve in him was strung tight. Olivia would have gone to see Kim yesterday. She would have handed her his documents. He couldn’t breathe for the ball of pain that was hanging around his neck.
He froze
at the entrance to his bedroom.
A breeze flew in from the ocean. The French doors were wide open. The lamp was turned on, the feeble light from it illuminating the woman snoring softly in the center of his king bed.
He felt as if a tornado had hit him in the gut and then tossed him around.
How long had she been waiting for him? When had she arrived?
She was lying on her side, her knees tucked into her chest. Her arms were wrapped around herself. He didn’t question why she had returned. He didn’t question why she was in his bedroom, of all the rooms in the villa. They hadn’t shared a bed even when she had been here.
Kim was back. The woman he loved with every breath in him was back.
He walked toward the bed, his gaze unblinking. His chest tightened and he realized the tight sensation was fear. Every inch of him was shaking with spine-chilling fear. He loved this woman so much and he was afraid to blink. He was afraid she would disappear if he did.
He climbed on to the bed slowly and pulled the cotton covers over her sleeping form.
She wore a silk sleeveless gown in dark blue that clung to the small bump at her stomach and just about covered her knees. The lace neckline fluttered over her breasts with every breeze that flew in through the door. He greedily looked over her, from her hair, which was a mess, to her painted toes.
Her long eyelashes cast shadows on her cheeks. Dark blue circles hung under her eyes. He muttered a soft curse.
Droga, that gaunt look was back in her face again. He rubbed the pad of his thumb over her cheek, his breath hovering in his throat. And then, and only then, did he breathe air into his lungs again.
He ran his fingers over her toned arms. The skin was so soft and silky that he was afraid he would mark her with his rough fingers. His hand shaking, he pulled back.
He was never going to let her go. He had ripped out his own heart to let her go once. He couldn’t do it again.
Even if he had to handcuff her to this very bed. Even if he had to spend the rest of his life tearing away her defenses piece by piece.