by Jewel E. Ann
“Hey, Ave.” The words ease out of my mouth as I walk down the deck stairs. Her large black sunglasses cover most of her face, but they don’t hide the tears on her cheeks or her runny nose that occasionally sniffles.
“I’m so stupid,” she sobs.
I sit at the foot of the chair and squeeze her hand. “What happened?”
“Fucking Caden happened, or more like Caden fucking.” She swipes the tears on her cheeks and sniffles again.
“I don’t understand.”
“I—I showed up and—he—he was screwing some oth—other girl!” Her body shakes with each word and I’m hurting so bad for her.
The default mother in me stands at full attention and I’m ready to go to war for my baby sister. Kick ass now, take names later.
“What did he say?”
“He said he thought we were just having some fun. God! I can’t believe I fell for the nice guy act. At least with most guys I know they’re just a one night stand. They don’t call and text and stay the whole fucking weekend at my place! They don’t tell me about their family and introduce me to the little brother with Down syndrome. They don’t tell me that they miss me and that they wished I lived closer.”
I don’t know what to say. I’m livid and ready to drive over to Caden’s and rip his balls off and pulverize them with a pair of four inch stiletto heels.
“I’ll deal with this.” A surge of angry heat burns my skin.
“No, Sam. He’s obviously not worth it.” Avery removes her glasses and my heart clenches at the sight of her red swollen eyes.
I’ve never seen Avery this broken over a guy—ever. She took a chance and had her heart trampled. I know she’s missing our mom right now. Dad wouldn’t know what to say and most likely would give her some condescending sermon that would only make her feel worse. Not Mom. No matter what she’d think of Avery’s cavalier lifestyle, she would comfort her baby. Mom was always unconditional with her love.
“Then what can I do for you, Ave?” I scoot closer and pull her into my arms.
“Just remind me that guys are only good for sex. I’m never making that mistake again. In fact …” She releases me and sits back while wiping her eyes and sucking in a deep breath. “Nice guys are officially off my list. I’m sticking to the bad boys. With them, what you see is what you get.”
“Ave, not all guys are like Caden. You just need to slow things down in the future. Don’t get caught up in the whirlwind of romance and fairytales that don’t exist.”
“Except for you. Lautner would never do this to you.”
My gut tells me that she’s right, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not getting ready to rearrange my life to be with him. I’m getting ready to say goodbye.
“Maybe … but it’s irrelevant. In another week I’m going to be leaving for Paris, my dream destination, and you’re going to be back in L.A. leaving Caden and all his shit behind.”
“The Montgomery girls are going to be sassy, sexy, and single again,” she declares with a confident, resolute nod.
I laugh in spite of the pain that I won’t let Avery see. “Watch out world!”
*
I treat Avery to dinner out and let her drown her residual sorrows in her favorite Riesling. Between the wine and her long day of complete mental exhaustion, she crashes in the guest room as soon as we get home. Swarley keeps me company on the bed as I sort through all the photos I took earlier today. He jumps from the bed startling me, and I look up to see my sexy doctor in a sky blue T-shirt and faded jeans standing in the doorway. Lautner gives Swarley his daily treat, which he immediately trots off with downstairs.
“Hey,” I say with a slight grin. My emotions have been dampened by today’s events.
He sits beside me on the bed and presses his lips to mine. I want to talk to him about Caden and Avery, but I need this first. His tongue slides between my lips and mine greets his with fervor. I frame his face with my palms and hmm a soft appreciative moan. Lavishing my jaw and neck with open-mouthed kisses, he closes my laptop and slides it off my lap.
“Lautner, wait … We need to talk.”
His hands slide up my bare legs. Muscles tense under the touch of his thumbs circling near the apex of my inner thighs.
“I am. Don’t you hear what I’m trying to say?” he mumbles against my neck.
Lautner owns me … or at least my body. Thoughts dissolve. Sensations surrender. The rest of the world ceases to exist.
“I do … and dear God, I love the way you say it, but—”
He pauses, leaving his thumbs a breath away from the meltdown button to my brain.
Blue irises shine and it takes me a moment to catch my breath.
“Have you talked to Caden today?”
Lautner sits back and the loss of his touch is my answer.
“He feels like shit.”
I claw my hands into the mattress to scoot up straighter then cross my arms over my chest. His eyes fall to my arms as he chews the corner of his lower lip.
“Well, poor Caden. Maybe I should send him some flowers tomorrow to cheer him up. Remind me to do that after I send my sister and her crushed heart back to L.A. in the morning.” My intention is not to take out my anger on Lautner, but I can’t keep the sarcasm from dripping off my words.
“Syd, he had no idea she was coming to visit this weekend.”
“That’s not the fucking point!” I yell with little restraint.
“Jesus, Sydney!” He holds his palms up in surrender.
I let out a long breath. “I’m sorry. I’m just so pissed off right now. Avery hasn’t looked this broken since our mom died.”
He grimaces. “I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but this is Avery we’re talking about.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m just saying she’s kind of a …” He stops short and watches me.
I know he’s trying to gauge me like a trapped animal.
“She’s kind of what?” I raise my eyebrows.
He runs his hands through his hair and sighs with a slight shake of his head. “Nothing. Listen I’m sorr—”
“No! Say it!”
“Jeez, Syd!” He groans in exasperation. “Your sister was all over me two seconds after we were introduced. Then you insisted I take you to breakfast so you could warn me that she was going to ‘pounce’ on Caden. You said she was ‘flirtatious’ and still ‘sowing wild oats.’ So now Caden’s somehow the bad guy for not throwing a ring on her finger and promising forever?”
“She’s a human being, Lautner! Nobody deserves to walk in and see the person they love screwing someone else.”
“Love? Are you serious? Did she tell him that she loves him? Did he profess his love to her? Did they agree to be in a committed relationship?”
“That’s not the point.” I look away from him.
He stands and puts his hands on his hips. “Then, please, enlighten me. What is the point?”
“He drove down to L.A. to spend the weekend with her. He shared personal information with her. He introduced her to Brayden. He was putting on quite the ‘nice guy’ act.”
“Caden is a nice guy! It’s not an act. The poor guy was dumped by his fiancée and maybe he’s sowing a few of his own wild oats before he risks getting his fucking heart ripped from his chest again. He wasn’t trying to rub it in her nose. She should have called.”
I pull my knees to my chest, needing an extra shield. We’re three feet apart but he’s standing over me like a tower, and his stance is just as defensive as mine. The voice of reason whispers something in the back of my mind, but I can’t hear it over my ruffled ego screaming in my ears.
“She was offered a job in San Francisco. A job that she was going to accept to be closer to Caden. Avery wasn’t spying on him or trying to catch him in the act. She was trying to surprise him. Like ‘Surprise! Remember me? The girl you’ve been screwing the past couple weeks. The girl who is willing to give up her dream of living in L.A. to be clos
er to you.’”
Lautner shrugs and shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Syd. I know you want me to be mad at him. But I can’t. I get it. Avery’s your sister, but Caden is the closest thing I have to a brother. Besides this isn’t about us.”
“You’re right. This isn’t about us. There is no us because I’m leaving next week. Maybe you should go screw some random girl tonight and plead innocence because you didn’t throw a ring on my finger and promise me forever.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” he mumbles while scrubbing his hands over his face.
“You’re being condescending,” I retort.
“Ugh! I’m not being condescending. Do you even know what that means?”
“Yes! I know what it means and you just did it again!” I yell.
Standing, I brush past him to open the bedroom door. It’s taking everything I have to hold down my dinner. The knot in my stomach, the lump in my throat, the barbed wire around my heart … it’s all too much. He doesn’t move and neither do I.
“Just leave.” I sigh in exhaustion.
“I’m not leaving and I’m not going to screw some random girl.” He shrugs off his shirt then removes his jeans before slipping into bed.
He’s so damn stubborn and frustrating. I stomp over to the bed and grab my computer. Before I can escape he grabs my arms, pulling me inches from his face. I swallow and divert my eyes.
“Look at me, Sydney.”
I shake my head.
“I love you.”
“Just STOP!” I yell.
He releases my arms with a look of defeat. I go to Avery’s room, shutting and locking the door behind me.
*
June 26th, 2010
Thank you, Swarley. The one morning I need you to sleep in and not cry outside the door is the one morning you compose the longest freaking “feed me” solo ever.
Avery is facedown but still breathing. She had enough alcohol in her body to sleep through the fight I had with Lautner and my sobs that eventually wore me out and lulled me into the most restless sleep ever. I’m emotionally drained and physically exhausted. It’s not going to be a good day.
I tiptoe down the hall and peek into my room. Lautner is gone. I wonder if he stayed or left last night. Swarley is glued to me, tail wagging and smiling. Yes, he’s actually smiling. At least one of us is going to have a good day.
Entering the kitchen, I’m greeted by a very large bouquet of flowers, two hot drink cups, and my favorite bakery sack. I get the pathetic pooch his breakfast and read the card with the flowers.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you … only you … always you … forever you.
I hate him more everyday. He has nothing to lose and everything to gain by saying those three words. I, on the other hand, have nothing to gain and everything to lose.
When my dad woke me up to tell me that hospice called and said my mom died, I didn’t want to believe it. And I didn’t, not until I saw her body in the open casket. Sometimes I think if I hadn’t seen her there, a part of me would have forever believed she wasn’t really gone.
As much as I don’t want to live my life with such childish mentality, I can’t help it. I still believe in the creative power of words. So if I don’t say the three words I desperately want to say to Lautner, then maybe they won’t be true. For some reason holding them back feels like keeping just enough of myself that he can’t completely consume me, break me, and take away my dreams. However, I think he knows he can. Everyday he makes another crack in my resolve.
“Dear God. More flowers?” Avery’s raspy voice startles me.
She looks like hell and that’s not an easy task for her.
“Coffee?” I ask, taking off the lids to the cups and claiming my tea first.
“Yes, definitely coffee,” she replies taking the cup and sitting on the barstool. “Mmm, good, but not so hot anymore.”
I sip my lukewarm latte. “I think he was probably at the bakery when they opened the doors. I know he has to be at the hospital pretty early.”
“Why’d you come into my room?” she asks.
I furrow my brow in confusion. “How’d you know I came in last night? Did you wake up in the middle of the night?”
“Nope. Your computer is on the nightstand. So spill. What happened?”
Grabbing a galette out of the bag, I tear off chunks to feed my nervous frustration. “I confronted him about Caden.”
Avery sets her coffee down and rests her folded arms on the counter. “And?”
“And he acted like it wasn’t Caden’s fault. I got my back up, he got his up, and we argued until he tried to change the topic to us, which I then proceeded to tell him there is no us.”
She gives me a tight, pained smile. “Thanks for sticking up for me, Sam. But now I feel like I’ve split the two of you up.”
“Ridiculous,” I mumble with half the galette shoved into my mouth. I finish chewing and take a drink.
“I’m leaving in less than a week. We both knew our…” I air quote “…relationship had nowhere to go. It was over before it ever started. And I didn’t just stick up for you because you’re my sister. I did it because Caden was being a complete ass. He took advantage of your lack of communication. He used it as an excuse to sleep around. Sometimes feelings are implied without ever having to say the words—”
I have just rendered myself speechless with my own damn words.
“You amaze me, Sam. No matter how low I sink, how many one night stands I have, you always see the good in me and never hold my indiscretions against me.”
I shrug. “Nobody is doomed. Not even my skanky sister from L.A.”
“There she is. Welcome back.” Avery laughs as she grabs the card from Lautner off the table. Holding it up I can see the WTF look on her face.
“Don’t ask,” I deadpan.
“Oh snap!” She looks up after reading it.
I bust out laughing. “Oh snap? I look around. “Did Dad just walk in or something?”
Avery giggles. “You’re right. Fuck me sideways. This is some seriously deep shit!”
I roll my eyes. “You could use a good preachin’, that’s for sure”
“Sydney …” She draws out my name and furrows her brow.
Tears sting my eyes and all the humor is sucked out of the room. “Sydney” coming from Avery means it’s time to be serious, but I don’t want to be serious.
I grab the card from her hand. “It’s nothing. He just feels bad about fighting last night so he’s overcompensating. I’m sure he was tired and not even thinking about what he was writing.”
“I love you …. only you … always you … forever you. Once again you amaze me. I walk in on my dream guy screwing some other girl and you get this?” She gestures to the flowers, drinks, pastry bag, and note. “You won the goddamn lottery of eligible guys and you’re ripping up the winning ticket! It doesn’t make sense.”
My jaw is clenched. I know damn well that Lautner isn’t a catch, he’s the catch. But it doesn’t change the circumstances. It’s like finding your favorite five-hundred dollar shoes are half-off but you don’t have ten dollars in the bank. It’s the perfect opportunity at the wrong time. It is what it is.
“Mom—”
“Don’t!” she interrupts. “Don’t you dare give me some spiel about making Mom proud or living the life she never had. I hate it when you make it sound like her life was a disappointment. It makes me feel like she regretted having us. Is that what you think we were to her? Mistakes?”
“No! That’s not my point!” My muscles steel in defense. “I hate when you try to make me feel guilty for being ambitious.”
“Fine! Be ambitious. Spend the rest of your life going to school and finding the perfect job. Wait until you’re forty to get married and start a family, but do it for you. Don’t do it for Mom. Don’t do it because you think that’s what she would have wanted you to do. Don’t do it because you think she missed out on following her own dreams.”
I rest my hands flat on the counter and take a slow breath. “I’m flying to Paris next week, for me. I’m going to grad school for me. These are my dreams. Mom’s dead. It’s too late to make her proud.” The words taste like acid in my mouth.
“I hope so. Because you’re officially risking everything.”
“Go big or go home,” I reply with a hint of snide in my voice.
“Yeah, well, yesterday I went big and today I’m going home in worse shape than when I left. Worth it? Hell no.” Avery throws her arms in the air.
I laugh because this conversation is diving into philosophical depths that neither one of us are adept to deal with. “So … is that supposed to relate to Lautner or my future. It’s a risk either way. But I don’t think my dream job is going to disappoint me. I think your point proves that guys are unpredictable and not worth the risk.”
Avery stands and stretches with a big yawn. “Guys aren’t worth the risk, but love is.” She walks toward the stairs.
“I never said I love Lautner.”
“You never said you didn’t.”
*
Avery takes a walk with me and Swarley then leaves after lunch. We both apologize for our emotional outbursts and chalk it up to men messing with our heads. Lautner has frayed my nerves. I feel on edge and ready to attack if the wind brushes my skin. It’s insane, but I envy Avery’s circumstances. I’m sure seeing Caden with another girl was crushing, but making the decision to leave him was easy. Walking away from Lautner, no matter how hard I try to make him out to be a bad guy, is not going to be easy.
I head out to the pool and my phone rings the moment I sit down.
“Hey, Elizabeth,” I answer.
“Hi, Sydney. How are things going?”
“Good.” I stop short of mentioning Swarley is off his normal diet and sleeping schedule. Nor do I mention that he sleeps in their bed, a bed I’ve been having hot sex in for the past three weeks and the sheets smell like Lautner, me, and sex.
“Oh, that’s great. Say … we’re going to be coming home early.”
“Really? How early?”
“Tomorrow. Trevor got food poisoning and has been miserable for the past three days. He’s feeling better now, but he’s exhausted and wants to go home.”