by Jewel E. Ann
My heart is being ripped apart in two directions. I have to be with my dad. This wasn’t how I wanted to say goodbye to Lautner, but I no longer have a choice. After my suitcases are packed and set by the door, I do a final check around in the kitchen and bathroom. Elizabeth won’t be here for another half hour so I text my sister to let her know I got the message and I’m on my way.
My breath stops when the front door crashes open almost being torn from its hinges. Lautner stands before me in his green scrubs, chest heaving. In a heartbeat, I’m in his arms and a lifetime of emotions pour from me—worry, heartache, sadness, fear, and … love.
“Shh … I’m here.” He soothes me with his voice.
I feel and hear his heart pounding against his chest like it’s beating only for me in this moment.
“What happen to your dad?”
I lean back enough to see him, finding comfort in blue irises. He cradles my face and wipes my tears.
“Heart … som-something with his … heart.” I sniffle between broken sobs.
“Is he in surgery?”
I shake my head. “I don’t thin-think so. They’re doing some tests.” I pull in a deep breath and hold it for a moment before letting it out slowly to calm myself down.
His large hand cups the back of my head and I rest against his chest. He presses his lips to the top of my head and leaves them there. We hold each other without words. I don’t know how he was able to leave the hospital but it doesn’t matter. He’s here and I need him. I need this goodbye so I can move on. I need closure.
“Your dad will be fine. I’m sure he’s in good hands. They’ll run the tests, figure out what’s wrong and fix it. Okay?”
I pull back. “God, I hope so.”
He leans down and kisses me. Then he pauses. I feel it. The building emotion, the reality of the moment. “Come back.” He brushes his lips against mine.
I take a step back and shake my head. “I can’t. You know that.”
“Why not?” he asks with wavering words.
“Because I have to work and then go back to school. I’m twenty-three. I can’t throw away my future, my dreams on some guy.”
His head jerks back. “Some guy? Is that what I am to you? Just some guy?”
“No!’ I turn and rake my fingers through my hair, stepping away to distance us even more. “God! You’re not just some guy to me, Lautner. You’re probably the guy, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“It fucking changes everything!” He steps inside and slams the door shut so hard a framed picture falls from the wall, shattering glass everywhere.
The roar of his voice and the glass hitting the floor sends frigid chills through my body. I’ve never seen this side of him.
I turn and look at him and then the mess on the floor that he isn’t acknowledging. His eyes are searing into me.
“Jesus, Lautner! We knew this day was coming. I never once promised you anything more. You’re living your dream. Would you give it all up for me?” My voice is an all-out yell, and I resent him for making me lose control.
“Yes.” Just one word, but he speaks with complete certainty and without hesitation.
It’s a punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of me. How can he say that? Even more, how can he mean it?
“Bullshit,” I say with a defiant edge to my voice. “You would give up your dreams for me?”
“Yes.” His eyes are filled with tears that haven’t been breached, but mine are all down my face. I’ve lost control over my emotions. I’ve lost control over my life.
I sweep them away with the back of my hands. “Well there’s the difference. I would never ask you to.” I can’t hide the defeat in my voice. “You’d resent me.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I would never resent you.”
“That’s just it. Once again, it doesn’t matter. I’d resent myself for everything you’d give up to be with me. I’d resent you for making me feel so awful about myself.” I shake my head and suck in my upper lip to fight my emotions. “It would eventually tear us apart.”
“I love you,” he whispers.
“Don’t,” I say with anger in my voice.
“I will always love you.” He takes a step toward me.
“Shut up.” I clench my teeth, looking anywhere but at him.
“Damit! Look at me!” He cups my face and drives the knife completely through with those fucking blue irises. “I. Love. You. Period. It’s a goddamn soul-shattering love that will never, ever be matched. My love for you is unapologetic and forever.”
There’s a knock at the door but Lautner ignores it. I know it’s Elizabeth.
“I have to go,” I whisper and walk to the door.
“GODDAMMIT!” his thunderous voice echoes.
I whip around to see him hurl an empty beer bottle at the wall, followed by another. I cry for him. I cry for me. He’s like a bomb with a lit fuse—clenched jaw, furrowed brows, piercing eyes, fisted hands, heaving chest.
The door opens.
“Sydney?” Elizabeth’s uneasy voice calls out.
I’m sure she’s heard the commotion and is concerned about me. I turn and look at her.
“I’m coming.” I try to force a sad smile, but there’s no hiding the emotional disaster she’s walked in on.
“Uh … okay, I’ll take one of your suitcases down.”
I nod. All my emotions are colliding and it’s tearing me up inside. I don’t want to love him … I don’t want to hate him. But the truth is I hate him because he made me love him. He made me pause just long enough to doubt myself. He cracked open the door to my heart and whispered what if.
Lautner is standing in the kitchen with his back to me, hands on the edge of the counter, head down.
The words are stronger than my control over them. I feel regret before they ever leave my mouth. “You have four condoms left in your box. I’m sure you’ll survive without me.”
Jealously feels like the tongue of Satan. The words feel venomous. Would he love me less if I hurt him? Would I love him less if he hurt me?
I sling my bags over my shoulder and bend down to get my carry-on and other suitcase.
I turn and tug my stuff into the hallway.
The piercing pain in my arm makes me grimace as I’m being whipped around.
“The fucking condoms! Is that what you’ve been carrying around in your head since yesterday?”
The tightness around his cold eyes, the seething words, and his bruising grip frightens me. I haven’t seen this side of him. My bag falls off my shoulder as he pulls me back into his apartment and straight to his bedroom. Ripping the drawer from his nightstand he pulls out the box of condoms.
“How many condoms?” He’s holding the box in front of my face.
I swallow but can’t speak.
“HOW MANY?”
My body shakes and tears run out of control down my face. “Ten,” I choke.
He dumps the remaining condoms on the bed.
“Count them!” I don’t recognize the voice in my ears. He’s so angry.
“Four,” I whisper.
He pulls his wallet out and tosses two more on the bed.
“Now how many?”
I release a sob. “Six.”
He jerks my arm again pulling me to his closet. Digging out a pair of shorts from his hamper, the ones he wore the first night we had sex without condoms, he retrieves two more foil packets and tosses them on the bed.
“How many?” he demands between clenched teeth.
My sobs strangle me. “Stop … please,” I plead.
“Count the fucking condoms, Sydney!”
“Eight … eight …” I cry.
I don’t know what hurts more, my arm or my heart. Yes, I do … my heart. He’s shattering it.
He drags me out of his apartment and past a shocked Elizabeth, who is getting the rest of my bags. Lautner doesn’t acknowledge her as he pulls me down the stairs behind him.
“You’re hurting me …
stop!” I beg.
“Sydney!” Elizabeth’s voice calls from behind us.
Lautner opens the passenger door to his 4Runner then opens the glove compartment and pulls out … two … more … condoms.
“Say it,” he says with a menacing voice.
I shake my head, nose running, eyes swollen, tears bleeding in a river down my face.
“Goddammit, SAY IT!” His roaring words sever something deep inside.
Elizabeth’s concerned voice sounds like an echo miles away, even though she’s standing only a few feet away. Everything is in slow motion like I’m watching the past month with Lautner in slow motion—visions people aren’t supposed to have until they’re dying. Is that what’s happening? Am I dying?
“Ten.” The painful word cuts past my raw throat.
He tosses them on the seat and stares at me. Jaw clenched and … oh God … tears. His eyes are filled with tears.
“The day…” he swallows “…the day in the rain. I felt terrible. You looked so rejected and … God, I wanted to be with you too.”
One. Blink.
Blue irises releasing tears. Nothing, ever, has felt so heartbreaking.
“You …” He bites his upper lip so hard I think he breaks the skin. Sucking in a shaky breath he moves his head from side to side. “… They were for you, only you … always you.”
I start to move my hand to his face, but he flinches and steps back shutting the door.
The rejection and pain I feel right now is indescribable.
He walks around to the driver’s side.
“Lautner—” His name rips from my throat.
A resurgence of tears fill my eyes.
He stops, holding the driver’s door partially open with his back to me.
My arms are hugging my nauseous stomach, nails digging into my skin.
Through my teary, blurred vision I don’t see him approach. His lips violently collide with mine. The physical pain momentarily blinds the emotional. This is what a last kiss feels like.
Infinite emotion. Beautiful pain. All consuming. Utterly shattering.
“I hope you find your dreams, Sydney … my … beautiful … Sydney,” he whispers in my ear with a cracked, broken voice.
One last look. One last moment. One last chance.
Pleading blue irises call to me, begging for three words. The three words he deserves to hear. The three words that would let him know he owns me. The three words that would ruin my future.
I say nothing.
Closing my eyes—One. Last. Nod.
Car door slams. Engine roars. Tires screech.
I open my eyes to see my what if driving off into the distance.
“I love you.” I let go of the words; holding them inside would kill me.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Elizabeth knows what I need. I don’t have to ask. Words are too painful. When we arrive at the airport, she digs my sunglasses out of my purse and shoves a wad of tissues into my hand. As we wait in line, she rubs gentle circles on my back. It’s her way of being there for me and I love her for it. No “I told you so,” just unconditional love like a mother’s love.
The trip to Illinois is torturously long. Then again, every breath feels like a lifetime. Time … the funny thing about time is it flies by like a freight train when I’m falling in love, but it creeps by one agonizing second at a time when it’s mending my broken heart. I need to see my dad and know he’s going to be okay. Part of me died today and I can’t lose him too.
By the time we get to the hospital, I’m a complete wreck. We find my dad’s room and he’s sitting up in bed with Avery by his side. I know he notices my swollen eyes despite the cold water bottles Elizabeth had me press against them in the cab.
“Daddy!” I hug him and the tears come again. I feel like a little girl in his arms, his little girl who got her heart broken today.
“Oh, hey, baby girl. What’s this all about? I’m going to be fine. You girls didn’t need to rush back home.”
I release him and sit on the edge of his bed.
Avery rolls her eyes. “Jeez, Dad. You have an eighty-percent blocked artery and the doctor said you need a stent. Don’t make it sound so benign.”
“So you’re having surgery?” I ask with a sniffle.
“Minor surgery. I’ll probably be out of the hospital within twenty-four hours.”
“When are they doing it?”
“Tomorrow,” Avery says.
“I’m going to cancel my trip to—”
“No way,” my dad cuts me off. “You’re going to Paris. You’ve been waiting to see Paris since you were a little girl. If I die you can stay, but anything short of that you’re getting on that plane. Do you understand?”
“Don’t say that, Dad.” I wrinkle my nose because him even saying the word death makes me nauseous.
“It’s going to be fine,” Elizabeth says. “Besides, my little brother has the Big Man on his side.”
Dad laughs. “I’m not afraid of dying. God can have me whenever He needs me. Besides, the love of my life is waiting for me.”
Ugh! Could I feel anymore punched in the gut today?
“Mom has eternity now. She can wait for you.” Avery leans down and kisses his cheek.
The nurse comes in and tells us she needs to go over some stuff with my dad before his surgery tomorrow. Elizabeth stays with him while Avery and I go down to the cafeteria for some food.
“You not hungry?” Avery asks, looking at my lonely bottle of grape juice.
“Not really.” I fight to find a smile.
“Everything is going to be okay,” she says, wrapping her hand over mine and giving it a tight squeeze.
“I know. It’s a pretty common surgery.”
“I’m not talking about Dad.” Her voice is soft and heartbreakingly sympathetic.
The stupid tears return, but I refuse to blink and let them win. I take a deep swallow and nod, focusing on the label of the glass juice bottle.
“I’m moving,” she announces.
God, I love her for knowing when to change the subject.
“Moving home?”
Avery snorts. “Hell no! Just closer to the beach. One of the massage therapists I work with is looking for a new roommate. One that doesn’t play the bagpipes.”
We both laugh.
“Well she’ll love you then. You’re never home anyway.”
Avery eats her chicken sandwich, and I manage to finish my juice before we go back up to see Dad. It’s getting late and his surgery is early in the morning so we decide to head home and let him get some rest.
*
June 30th, 2010
We arrive at the hospital by 7:00 a.m. to see Dad one more time before his surgery. Avery and Elizabeth make a coffee run while I stay in the waiting room. I didn’t sleep worth shit last night. My head was throbbing and Advil didn’t touch it, probably because I couldn’t stop bawling. Avery crawled in my bed a little after midnight and held me the rest of the night. I know that’s why she’s extra desperate for coffee this morning. Operation Broken Sydney is exhausting. Nothing sounded more appealing than drowning my sorrows in a six pack of beer or a bottle of Jack, but I couldn’t with Dad having surgery this morning.
I don’t remember falling asleep. But when Avery nudges me to let me know that Dad’s out of surgery, I have to wipe a string of drool off my cheek.
“Nice, Sam. Real attractive.” Avery laughs as Elizabeth loops her arm around mine and walks me to Dad’s room.
The surgery went well and they plan on releasing him the next morning if all his tests look good. We stay in his room most of the day talking about Avery’s move, Elizabeth and Trevor’s trip, and my bucket list for Paris. Dad dozes in and out of sleep until finally kicking us out of his room after he eats his delectable plate of hospital food.
“You three hens head home to finish all your clucking,” he says jokingly. But we know he’s quite serious.
“We’ll be back in the morning t
o get you,” Avery gives him a kiss.
“If we’re not up too late clucking.” Elizabeth gives him a big hug.
“I’ll be right there,” I say as they leave the room.
I start to sit in the chair by the bed, but he pats a small area beside him. Taking his hand, I sit next to him.
“I leave at six in the morning, so I won’t see you until I get back from Paris.”
He smiles. “Live it up, sweetheart. Be smart … but live it up. I’m so proud of you. Your mom would be too. You worked so hard in school and you continue to work hard to see this through. I can’t wait to see you, my baby girl, as a museum curator someday. Probably at The Louvre.” He winks.
I laugh. “No doubt. I’m sure they’ll probably offer me a job while I’m there. An apprenticeship of sorts.”
“The sky’s the limit. In spite of everything, God has truly blessed us.”
I wipe a stray tear and hug him. “Yes, he has. I love you, Daddy. I’ll call you when I get to Paris.”
“I love you too, sweetheart. Be safe.”
“I will.”
*
On the way home, we stop by the printshop. I e-mailed a few photos yesterday to have prints made. I tell Avery and Elizabeth they’re photos I took for a friend and they don’t question me. When we get home I go to the basement and dig out some frames I’d bought years back on clearance. I frame the photos and write inscriptions on the back. After wrapping them in brown paper, I leave them with some cash and an address for Avery and Elizabeth to take to the shipping store tomorrow.
“Palo Alto?” Avery questions.
“Just do this for me.”
She nods without further questions and hugs me.
“So which one of you two hens is getting up not so bright but early and taking me to the airport in the morning?”
Avery raises her hand. “I drew the short straw.”
Elizabeth grins. “I’m too old to get up that early.”
“Baloney, I slept in your bed. Ever heard of room darkening shades?”
She waves her hand in the air. “Ah, the sun doesn’t wake me up.”
“Well if not the sun then your dog sure does.”
“You mean Trevor’s dog. I don’t get up with Swarley unless Trevor is out of town. A girl needs her beauty sleep, don’t you know.”