by Jewel E. Ann
It’s sunny and a pleasant eighty-three degrees. Dane’s not back and I haven’t heard from Lautner, but I’m anticipating a beach day. From the we comment Lautner made on the phone, I’m assuming Emma will be joining us today. Good thing there’s nothing awkward about this situation.
“No word?” Dane asks as he and Swarley drag their tired asses through the door.
I shake my head while helping Ocean piece together her wooden dog puzzle on the floor.
“Well, I got a call from Mrs. Fitzgerald. Her schnauzer has a thorn or something lodged in his paw. I’ll have to catch up with everyone later.”
“Are you serious?” I whine. The thought of being with Lautner and Emma without my own backup is not something that’s settling too well with me.
He bends down and kisses Ocean then me. “Sorry, honey. Maybe we can all grill out later or something.”
“Grill out? Now you’re inviting them to dinner at our house?”
He starts up the stairs. “We’re going to be in each others lives, might as well make friends now.”
Ugh! I hate that Dane’s a better person than I am. I know his insecurities are still there, but he hides them so well. Must be a guy thing.
Peter Gabriel sings and I answer before the lyrics paralyze me.
“Hey.”
“Good morning, is everyone up for the beach today?”
I’m having trouble feeling the excitement that Lautner exudes in his chipper voice.
“Sure. I’ve already packed our lunch. Where do you want to meet?”
“I was thinking the beach we used to go to—”
“No!” I reply while walking into the kitchen so Ocean doesn’t hear me.
“What? Why not?” He sounds so dumbfounded.
“I’m not taking my daugh—”
“Our daughter …” he interrupts.
I roll my eyes and release an exasperated breath. “I’m not taking our daughter to meet you and your fiancée at the same beach where we …” I can’t say it.
“Made love,” he whispers.
Why did he say it? Why did he say it like that?
“Just pick a different beach.”
“You and Dane choose then. I don’t care.”
“Dane’s not going. He’s … been called into work.” I don’t mention the grill out because at this point I’m going to feel pretty lucky if I manage to survive a few hours at the beach.
“Then we’ll pick you both up in a half hour.”
“I’ll drive. Ocean’s carseat is in—”
“Syd, I bought a carseat.”
Whoa! Why does that admission bother me? It’s not that I thought he’d see her a few times then decide he no longer wanted to be her father. But for some reason, in spite of what he said, it feels like I’m losing her one piece at a time.
“Uh … okay, then we’ll see you … in a little bit.”
“Sydney?”
“Huh?” I answer with a shaky voice.
“I need your new address.”
“Oh, um, I’ll text you it.”
“Okay, see you soon.”
*
“Stay hydrated and wear sunblock.” Dane hugs and kisses both of us before leaving.
Ocean and I sit on the porch swing and wait for Lautner and Emma. All she knows is that we’re going to the beach. Since we can’t have the who’s your daddy conversation yet, I’ve decided to not say anything and wait for her to form her own questions.
“Here they are.”
Lautner still drives the same black 4Runner. He has two surfboards strapped to the top just like our first date at the beach.
We stand as they get out.
“Hi, Ocean.” Lautner’s voice is soft and his fucking Medusa eyes cast their spell on my little girl.
Another little piece of my heart rips away when I see the recognition in her eyes and she willingly goes to him. He scoops her up and gives her a gentle hug.
“Remember me?”
She just grins.
“I took care of you when you were sick. Remember, I’m Dr. Sully but you can call me …” he hesitates and looks at me then Emma.
I’m holding my breath. If he says Dad, Daddy, Father, or anything like that I’m going to lose it.
“Sully, just call me Sully.”
All Ocean can do is grin.
“Ocean, this is Emma.”
Emma smiles. “Hi, Ocean. I love your name and your beautiful blue eyes.”
Seriously? She has to mention the eyes. Talk about fingernails on a chalk board.
“Emma, this is Sydney.”
I dig so deep it’s painful, but I manage a polite smile as I offer her my hand.
“Nice to meet you.” Her voice is soft and sweet; it matches her smile.
I recognize the long black hair from the park. She’s about my height with a few more pronounced curves, but still very toned and … beautiful. She can’t be older than me. If anything, she’s younger with perfect olive skin, which makes me hope that she’s not older and looking that good.
“Nice to meet you too. Shall we?” I gesture to the car.
Lautner secures Ocean in her seat while Emma gets in front and I put our bags in back.
“Shoot, I forgot our cooler and water bottles. I’ll be right back.” I jog to the house and into the kitchen.
Our water bottles are in the refrigerator. Grabbing them, I turn to close the door and my breath catches. Lautner is right here, inches from me. I almost bump into him. Looking up, I meet blue irises and they’re melting me. My heart struggles to keep up. He’s stripping me with his eyes, but not physically—it’s an emotional branding that will never go away. Three years later and I still feel it, I still feel him. He doesn’t speak, his face is stone, void of all emotion. I close my eyes and break the trance.
“I’ll get the cooler,” he whispers so close to my face I smell the mint from his toothpaste.
I nod and swallow back a surging river of emotions.
*
“Hey, baby girl.” I lean over and give Ocean a quick kiss before fastening my seat belt.
Emma turns and smiles. Then I see blue irises in the rearview mirror as we back out of the drive.
Fucking Medusa eyes.
Just kill me already. The man who took everything from me then gave it back one hundred fold nine months later is torturing me with unspoken words while the life we made together sits beside me and his fiancée next to him. I’d better take on some extra work because the therapy I’m going to need will be pricey.
“So, Emma, are you from L.A.?” I’m forcing the small talk like I do with new clients.
“Hawaii. My mother still lives there and my father and his new wife live here in Palo Alto. He’s Chief of Staff at the hospital, that’s how Lautner and I met.”
Lovely.
“Are you a doctor or in med school?”
She laughs and gives Lautner a sideways glance. He winks at her.
“No, I own a website design business. I did a year long technology internship in China. In fact, my dad sent Lautner to the airport to pick me up when I came home last year.” She reaches over and rests her hand on his leg. “He was holding up a silly cardboard sign, per my dad’s suggestion, and what can I say … it was love at first sight.”
Screw therapy. I’m going straight to the looney bin.
“Wata,” Ocean says.
I give her a sip of water.
“Lautner told me you just got married … to a vet. Are you a stay-at-home mom or do you work outside the house?”
We make brief eye contact in the rearview mirror, then I smile at Emma. “Actually, we’re not officially married yet. Ocean had her seizure during the ceremony so we postponed it.”
I see Lautner’s brows knit together but his gaze stays fixed to the road.
“As for me, I’m a photographer but I work mainly evenings and weekends so I don’t have to find daycare for Ocean. It’s the best of both worlds really.”
“A photograp
her, huh? What do you photograph?”
I shrug and look out my window. “Everything.”
“My dad pulled some strings and got Damon Michaels to agree to do our wedding photos? Can you believe it? Have you seen his work … I mean surely you have. He’s done a ton of celebrity weddings. Isn’t he just … amazing?” Emma sounds like a seventeen-year-old girl who just found the perfect prom dress.
“I’ve seen his work, it’s … predictable.”
Her head jerks back. “Predictable? You can’t be serious? The only thing that I’ve seen that beats his work is the artist whose work Lautner has on his walls. Some unknown photographer took these incredible shots of him for an art project. They’re black and whites of his body … hands, calves, each defined muscle of his abdomen and back, and Oh. My. Gosh. His eyes. I wanted her to do our wedding but my forgetful fiancé can’t remember her name and has no way of contacting her. You should see them sometime … talk about insane talent, just … wow!”
I can’t hide the smile that pulls at the corners of my lips. Lautner won’t look at me in the rearview mirror and he’s squirming in his seat.
“She sounds amazing!” I look back out my window and grin.
“An understatement … but, yes, amazing.” She leans her head back against the headrest and sighs.
*
It’s not our beach, but it’s not too crowded, and my sweet beach baby is all smiles with her little fingers and toes digging into the cool, wet sand.
“Here, let’s put on your hat.” I fasten the straps to her pink and white floral sun hat under her chin and sit next to her and all her shovels and buckets.
Emma is sprawled out on a towel in her string bikini a few feet behind me and Ocean. Lautner’s been catching some waves but now he’s walking our way … wet, tan, and mouthwateringly sexy. I flip my sunglasses down over my eyes so my blatant staring isn’t so obvious.
“Eee!” Ocean squeals as he drops to his knees beside her and shakes his wet head like a dog, splattering us both with cool water.
“Whatcha making?” he asks her.
“Sand,” she replies.
“You’re up Em,” Lautner says. “Unless you want to go?” He smirks at me.
“I’m good, thanks.” I don’t give him the satisfaction of acting like I see the humor in his question.
“Watch and learn, hot stuff.” Emma struts past us with her board, swaying her perfectly sculpted booty the whole way.
She’s from Hawaii, of course she’s a fucking surf queen.
Lautner jabs at the sand with one of Ocean’s plastic shovels. “So you’re not married?”
“Not yet.”
He doesn’t look at me as he fills a bucket and pats it firm with his palm.
“So when?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. When’s your wedding?”
“August second, and I’d love for Ocean to be our flower girl.”
Talking about Lautner and Emma’s wedding is crushing. A part of me still belongs to this man and now that he’s back in my life, I fear my feelings for him will never dissolve. I can’t be near him without wanting him. My body craves his touch, and my heart aches for his love.
“I don’t know, Lautner. It’s so soon. You just met her last week.”
“I love her.” He looks at me, eyes firm, jaw clenched.
I shake my head. “You don’t even know her.”
He looks out at the water. Emma is showing off, but I don’t think he’s paying much attention to her. “When did you love her?”
“What?” I ask.
“Our daughter, when did you first love her?”
I blink back the tears, grateful that my eyes are hidden behind my glasses. “She’s my everything. My head remembers not knowing her, but my heart can’t remember not loving her.”
“Then you know how I feel.”
I nod, biting my lips together, praying my emotions stay in check. “So the airport … love at first sight, huh? Sounds like fate.”
He sucks in a breath. “Syd, it wasn’t—”
“Never mind, I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want know.” I stand and brush the sand off my legs.
Lautner jumps to his feet and lifts Ocean up. “Let’s go dip these cute little piggies in the water.”
He carries her to the water’s edge, and holding her under her arms, he swings her little body like a pendulum. Every time her feet drag through the water she squeals with delight. I grab my camera and start clicking. In a perfect world I wouldn’t see Emma walking up the shoreline, or feel the need to check in with Dane. I let my mind wander, just for a moment, to what might have been if I would have come back here after my dad’s surgery instead of going to Paris.
The dreamy illusion vanishes as quickly as it came. Emma sets down her board and takes Ocean from Lautner. She twirls her around in circles and the excitement in Ocean’s face is Breaking. My. Heart. I stop taking pictures. The happy family I see through my lens triggers jealously and fear—a lethal combination. Turning away, I put my camera back in it’s bag and grab my phone.
“Hey, honey. How’s it going?” Dane answers.
I draw in a shaky breath. “Fine. How’s the schnauzer?”
“Rodney is fine. It was a nasty thorn, but I got it out. Are we still on for grilling out?”
I glance back and see the three of them sitting in the sand. Closing my eyes, I breathe in a fresh breath of air. This is for Ocean … This is for Ocean …
“Probably, but I haven’t checked yet. I’ll text you in a bit.”
“That’s fine … Sydney?”
“Yeah?”
“How are you holding up?”
I may never love Dane the way he loves me, but right now he ranks pretty high.
“I’m dying.”
“I’m sorry, wish I were there.”
“Me too.”
“You can do this. You’re the strongest woman I have ever known.”
“Thanks.”
“Talk to you soon.” He disconnects our call.
“Mommy!” Ocean calls, running at me, her little legs working hard to escape the gripping hold of the sand. “Flower … me … flower.”
“Hope you don’t mind, Lautner said he talked to you about Ocean being our flower girl,” Emma says with an apprehensive wrinkle to her nose. “I’ll need to get her measured for a dress, like, yesterday. Maybe we can do it tomorrow morning.”
Lautner squints and mouths “I’m sorry.” He knows damn well I didn’t say yes to this.
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” I turn and grab some hand wipes and grapes for Ocean. “Uh … Dane wanted me to invite you over for dinner tonight. He’s grilling out.”
“Oh that sounds like fun. He’s not serving red meat or pork is he?” Emma asks as she adjusts her top.
“I don’t know, probably fish or something.” I’m glad my sunglasses hide my exaggerated eye rolling.
“We’d love to, thanks,” Lautner says, digging through their cooler.
“So is this a big wedding you’re having?”
Lautner sits on his towel and Emma plunks herself down between his legs. “Only about five hundred,” she says.
Luckily, the grape I just popped in my mouth hasn’t made it past my teeth or else I’d be choking on it. Only five hundred?
“Then we’re off to Bali for ten days of…” she giggles and leans back, kissing his neck “…you know.”
“Yeah … well, we should be getting back. Dane might need my help.” I shove our stuff in our bags and brush the sand off Ocean. The visual dagger Emma just threw at me has my eyes watering and my heart bleeding.
Through the corner of my eye, I see Lautner standing. He’s looking at me, but I refuse to look at him.
“Let’s get your toys, sweetie.” I hold her hand and pull her toward the pile of sand toys.
Lautner squats down beside me and helps empty out the sand and put them in the mesh bag. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I can’t talk. If I try to t
alk, I’m going to cry. And I’m sure as hell not going to cry in front of Lautner and Emma.
“Sydney …” His voice is soft.
I shake my head and grit my teeth. Standing, I lift Ocean. Lautner takes the bags from my shoulder and I let him because I feel like collapsing. It’s taking everything I have to hug Ocean to my body and carry her to the car.
“In you go, baby.” I fasten her in and brush the sand off my feet before getting in.
Lautner loads everything up as Emma situates her towel over the front seat.
“Hope we have time for a shower before dinner.” Emma laughs as she picks at the sand under her perfectly manicured nails.
We’ve been on the road for five minutes and Ocean is out. Emma is messing with her phone and I’m slumped down with my head resting against the window. The tears fall to my cheeks, one at a time, and I wipe them away before they trail below my sunglasses. God, why does this hurt so bad?
Lautner clears his throat. He’s glancing at me in the mirror. Then I notice his left hand reaching back between his seat and the door. It’s holding a tissue. I swallow hard and reach for it. My fingers graze his palm as I take it and he closes his hand around them. I rest my head on the back of his seat, still holding his hand, my fingers curling around his. I’ve missed his touch so much. Emma continues to mess with her phone, completely oblivious to everything and everyone else.
“Babe, my dad wants us to come to brunch on Sunday before we leave. What do you think?”
I sit back, taking the tissue from Lautner. He moves his hand back to the steering wheel. “We’re in town to spend time with Ocean, it’s not that I don’t want to see your dad …”
“Maybe we could take Ocean with us. I’m sure my dad would love to meet her.” Emma looks back at me. “Would that be okay with you?”
I sense Lautner’s eyes on me. “Um … I don’t know. Can we see how tomorrow goes?”
“Sure.” She faces forward again. “I’ll tell him we’re a maybe.”
The rest of the ride is fairly quiet. Lautner pulls into the drive and I unfasten before he comes to a complete stop. I shove the wadded tissue in my purse and unlatch Ocean’s harness.
Lautner opens my door. “Let me carry her. You grab your bags.”