“I think that’s an excellent idea,” Alex said while he smugly smiled at me.
“No, Millhook may have a vote, but my vote counts twice…er…three times. My life, I’m making the choices. The Council doesn’t get to decide, you don’t get to decide, and our little Sherlock imp over there doesn’t get to decide either. For me, there isn’t a choice. I have to stay. I have to do what I can.”
“And what is it you can do?” Alex walked back to the bed, looking down on me with steel in his eyes. “Do you get that Gareth is there right now calling you a traitor? Even before this, you weren’t a field agent. They’ve kept you on the bench this entire time. So what is it you think you’re going to do? You think they’re going to give you a chance to explain? How well has that worked for you in the past?”
“She may not be able to explain her case, but I can,” Millhook said. “Calista still trusts me. I’ve never done her wrong. They’ve probably returned to the Citadel by now. I’ll find her and explain the situation. She’ll listen to me, and if she doesn’t, I’ll come back here and we can go to Earth.”
“Thank you, Millhook. Who would’ve thought you’d have the reasonable solution?” I looked at Alex as if he should have been the one to figure out a compromise instead of demanding we do things his way. I wanted him to understand me.
“And what if you’re too late?” Alex directed his question to Millhook. “What if you leave and they come? I can’t port, and Kat is too weak to. Even if she had her strength, she’s never ported more than just herself. We don’t know if she can. And even if she can, she certainly can’t create a portal.”
The stark assessment of our situation stung, but I couldn’t argue with anything he said. It was taking a risk.
“Ah, Furball, you worry too much. You leave it to me, and I’ll get back here in time. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you. Nicole and I can’t create a detective agency on our own. And I get to choose the name now. You just focus on getting her healed up. No matter what happens, she’s going to need to be in better shape than she is now.” Without another word, Millhook disappeared.
Chapter 31
In Millhook’s absence, I felt Alex’s presence more keenly. This was the first time we’d been alone together since the day we said goodbye to each other at the Citadel garden. It had been a little over six months ago, yet it seemed as if both a lifetime and no time at all had passed. There was an awkward newness to being alone together, but beneath it was a friendship I’d come to rely on more than I had admitted to myself.
“If you’re crazy enough to do this, you’ll need to be stronger. You’re not even close to being healed.”
I wished Alex could stop being so concerned and angry. “I don’t want you to tire yourself. There’s a long way ahead, even for you. I don’t know how you’ll be treated if they come for me.”
“There’s not much they can do to me. I’m a shifter and not a threat or a recognized enemy of the mages. They don’t have jurisdiction over me.”
“Still—”
Alex cut me off by shifting. His heavy, warm tongue continued his methodical work. Each time he licked my wound, it healed a little. The rough pressure of his tongue made the injury scream, but once it left and all that remained was his warm breath, relief poured in. After every few licks, there’d be visible progress, signs of healing as my skin pinked with new growth. He couldn’t go on like this forever. Shifters didn’t have as much magic as other creatures in Elustria, and these exertions would tire him.
When it came time for a break, Alex remained in his panther form and rested his head on the bed next to my hip. I didn’t know if he refused to shift to conserve energy or if it was to avoid speaking.
I lifted my hand and stroked his head. I loved Alex in his panther form, his fur luxurious beneath my hand, his body all graceful lines, massive strength under perfect control. As I pet his head, he let out a deep purr of approval, vibrating the mattress.
“I’ve always liked you in your panther form. It’s easy for me to see why you prefer it.” I lay my head back and smirked. “One reason I like it so much is because all you can do is listen.”
Alex released a short growl but settled back into his purring. He had to be tired from his work healing me, and he wouldn’t waste his energy arguing now.
“I don’t know why you’re pushing so hard for us to go to Earth. I have to do something with my life. How can I go back to being human when I know I’m not? How can I ever find satisfaction in some mundane human job when I know this world exists? It’s nice of you to offer to stay in your human form for me, but that wouldn’t be right. You’ve always loved the solitary life of a panther. You hate being human. I wouldn’t want that for you.”
The texture of hair beneath my hand altered, and I looked down to see that Alex had shifted. “That’s what you’ve never gotten about me. I want to be near you.”
“But you prefer your panther form. You wanting to be near me is just a relic of the time you had my talisman searching for me.”
“Maybe in the beginning, but not anymore. It wouldn’t have lasted through such a long absence. I enjoy your company. Being with you is better than not, even if it means being human.”
“How would that work, you being human? You didn’t even know to go to the public library to use the Internet. Nicole should’ve never been brought into this.”
“Nicole doesn’t like decisions being made for her any more than you do. She was happy to help, eager to. Why can’t you see that? You’re surrounded by people who want to help you. They’re just waiting for the chance, waiting for your permission.”
Perhaps he was right. I knew the people in my life wanted to help, but I didn’t trust the depth of it. I’d seen what having a deep connection to other people could do to you. I saw what it did to my father. I felt the pain of it when my adoptive parents died. I saw the madness it drove Sibelius to.
All around me were examples of why I shouldn’t reach out, why I shouldn’t trust, why I shouldn’t give away little bits of myself to other people. I needed those bits and pieces. It was selfish, but I needed to hold them together, to keep me whole. Every day I struggled to achieve my goals, to continue down the path I had chosen. How could I do that if I didn’t have all of myself? How could I do it if Alex had some and Millhook and Nicole and Lilibet and Kellan and Priya and Darian? Where did it end? One day I’d wake up and have nothing left.
That wasn’t the reason I would give him. I barely even acknowledged it to myself most days.
“It’s too dangerous.” I tried to make it sound like that was the only reason.
“So why is it that when Thaddeus determines the field is too dangerous for you, he’s in the wrong but you can so easily decide that it’s too dangerous for us to help you? You’re playing a double standard, Kat, and the people around you won’t have the patience for it much longer.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means when an offer of friendship is repeatedly turned away, the person may stop offering altogether.” Then, obviously to avoid further conversation, he shifted and resumed healing.
I couldn’t think about any of this now. These were all questions that could be answered another day. I had to get through the next few hours. Millhook could appear at any moment, and deep down I knew the news he would bring. I had to be strong enough to fight. My magic had to be ready and waiting for my command.
I at least had to be able to stand.
Chapter 32
Time moved at a strange pace. On the one hand, I wanted Millhook to stay away as long as possible. I needed to delay this confrontation. I knew the news he would bring, and I was afraid to face it. This time here with Alex was almost like a little vacation. We were separated from the world, and I wanted to make it last forever. Not only that, but I wanted as much time to heal as I could get. Every minute Millhook was away I grew stronger. The stronger my physical body was, the more potent my magic would be.
Then on th
e other hand, I couldn’t wait for Millhook to return. While I thought I knew what news he would bring, I needed to know. The uncertainty plagued me. With concrete information, I could plan; I could steel myself for what was to come.
Alex remained in his panther form. I liked it better this way. I didn’t want to spend what little time we had together fighting.
When Millhook finally appeared, all it took was one look at his face to know the news was grim.
Alex shifted. “How soon?”
He asked the only question that mattered. How soon until they come? How soon until they capture or kill me? Millhook and Alex weren’t stupid. They knew once I was captured, the clock would start ticking down on my life. Gareth was too highly placed. If I went with them to the Citadel, I wouldn’t be coming out alive. The thought created a desire to spend these last moments saying my goodbyes, but I couldn’t give in that easily.
“They’re on their way, but it’ll take a little time. There aren’t any teleportation rings near here, so we have that going for us,” Millhook said, his tone somber.
“What happened?” I asked. A part of me didn’t want to hear the details of how the Council didn’t believe him, how I was considered a traitor, but I had to know.
“I could tell Calista wanted to believe me. I really think it was a matter of Gareth getting there first. My story sounded too much like a response to his instead of the truth. That crafty mung beetle.” Millhook spat and shook his head, the fury on his face an almost tangible thing. “He played them perfectly. It was like he had a plan in case this happened.” Of course he would. You didn’t get to his position without forethought. He’d won this game before any of us even knew we were playing. “It didn’t help that Lilibet was there when I spoke with Calista and Thaddeus. If it’s any consolation, Thaddeus didn’t want to believe Gareth either, but the proof is just too much, especially when it came from his daughter. She couldn’t believe what you had done.”
In a weird way, the situation with Lilibet stung the most. I didn’t want to hurt her. I could imagine the way her soft pink eyes would look, the way her face would twist with betrayal.
“Who is coming?” If I had details, I could come up with a plan.
“It’s Calista, Thaddeus, Lilibet, and Gareth. They’re bringing with them a contingency of CCS agents.”
“CCS agents, not Citadel guards?”
“That’s right. I don’t think they want the guards knowing about the situation.”
Interesting. It made sense and was a smart move on their part, but it might give me a little bit of an advantage. A miniscule one to be sure, but I would take anything I could get. Citadel guards would blindly follow Gareth. CCS agents would be more receptive to the truth. I might be able to convince them. I wondered if Kellan would be among them, and I didn’t know if I wanted him to be or not. He would feel betrayed as well, perhaps even deeper than Lilibet, but he had also been a strong ally. He might not be so willing to give up on me.
“I still say we should go to Earth.” Alex sat on the bed looking at me, pleading with his eyes more than he did with his voice.
The concern and fear on his face had me wishing I could say yes. Right now, a mundane human life seemed like the best thing in the world. But what about tomorrow? What would happen when I woke up safe on Nicole’s sofa knowing my friends were in danger, knowing I held a powerful legacy around my neck that could help them?
I couldn’t be satisfied there. If I left, I knew I’d be happy. That was a given. Things wouldn’t be perfect as a human. There’d be ups and downs, sure, but overall I’d be happy. It would be empty, though, meaningless. I couldn’t strive for happiness anymore. It was purpose I wanted. What I did mattered. The decisions I made in this moment would have repercussions that would reverberate over an entire world. I couldn’t turn away from that, no matter how much I wanted to.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and summoned every bit of will to stand without faltering. This was my fight, no matter what Alex thought or said, and I was prepared to face it. “I’m staying. You’re welcome to leave if you want. I wouldn’t hold it against you, but I can’t. As much as I”—I almost said love—“want to spend this time with you, I have to plan. You said that eventually a person gets tired of offering help and having it turned away. I’m not turning it away now if you’re willing to offer it one more time.”
The disappointment in Alex’s eyes was palpable, but he didn’t let it enter his voice. He’d be strong for me. “It’s still on offer. But I don’t know how much it will do.”
“Hey, what about me?” Millhook pushed his way between me and Alex. “I got plenty of ideas of my own, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m pretty handy with magic. I think the fact that I came back here should tell you which side I’m on in this little kerfuffle.”
Everyone should be so lucky as to have Millhook in their life. “Of course, Millhook. I couldn’t do it without you.”
“We gotta get you out of this alive so you can be part of our crime-fighting team. But, since you can’t do it without me, I expect top billing in the name.”
Alex glared at Millhook. “This is serious. The three of us against all those mages? We don’t stand a chance.”
I agreed. “Then we better think of a way to solve this situation without fighting.”
Chapter 33
“So how exactly do you plan to do this without fighting? Are you thinking you’ll get them to sit down and talk with you?” Alex’s question was sarcastic, but all I could think was that the best thing that could happen was for us all to sit and talk. Now how to make that happen?
“I don’t know. All I know is that we have to make them see that Gareth is the traitor.”
“Do you have any proof of that?” Alex asked.
My heart sank. “No. All I have is my word. The word of a lying pidge.” There had to be something, some kind of proof I could show them.
Millhook scowled. “And he’s probably just gonna kill you right when he sees you, claim you were a threat and he was just doing his job and all that. That’s what I would do if I was a crafty mung beetle like him.”
“It’s Calista’s policy to capture, not kill,” I reminded him.
Alex and Millhook both looked at me like I was stupid, and then hurriedly tried to hide those looks, but I got the message. “Of course, what would happen if he did kill me? Like you said, he could claim I was a security threat. I won’t be around to defend myself. They’ve already decided not to believe Millhook. So Gareth gets away with it, continues to do the Directorate’s bidding, and the CCS will be wiped out. Great. So really, the question is, how do I keep Gareth from killing me right away?”
“There you go.” Millhook patted me on the arm. “We’ve already narrowed it down to one enemy instead of a dozen. That’s progress.”
“You have to think of a way to make it too costly for him to kill you,” Alex said.
“But how do I do that?” This was too difficult. I didn’t have enough time. I wrapped my hand around my talisman, calling on my father’s magic for help. In the background, I heard Millhook tossing out ideas and Alex beating them back one by one. A shield, kill Gareth first, bind him, on and on and on. Alex struck down each idea because every one of them would only make me look guiltier or could easily be countered. I was trapped with no idea what to do.
As if out of habit, or maybe a part of me knew I needed this, the talisman showed me my favorite memory: my father holding me in his arms for the first time. He sacrificed everything for me, and this was how it was all going to end. I had to hope he would at least be proud of me. He could’ve run, but he didn’t. He made the same choice I had, the choice to stay even if there was no chance of victory.
The answer seemed painfully simple. I would have to sacrifice everything. And the real kicker was that the only way I could win this was if I went with a plan that didn’t guarantee success. I would have to trust. I’d have to put myself out there and hope it was enough.
“Alex.” Millhook and Alex both fell silent. “Your first idea was the right one. The only thing that even has a chance of working is the truth. It’s why all the other plans won’t work. They all put force ahead of truth. They delay or try to hide the truth, and that won’t work. I’ve lost the trust of the Council and the CCS. The only hope I have of winning it back is to trust them with the truth. Thaddeus and Calista are good people. They want to do what’s right. I need to trust that they’ll give me a fair chance if I ask for one.”
“But how will you even get the chance if Gareth kills you right away?” Alex asked. He didn’t need to say it, but I knew he thought I was stupid for even considering this.
“At this point, Calista and Thaddeus believe him. All the evidence points to me being the traitor. I lied about being a pidge. He’s probably convinced that I lied about my mother’s work and my relationship to it. I rigged my own trials to gain sympathy and to get the attention of the head of Citadel security so I could infiltrate the security system. I planted that device in my room to convince them to let me into the field and also to make sure I wouldn’t ever be under suspicion. Lilibet found me in section five, probably studying evil magic. And I wouldn’t have ported out of there and exposed myself unless it was for something as important as a meeting with the head of the Directorate. He has to know any pathetic attempt I would make to exonerate myself would only make me appear more guilty. If he were to kill me right away, it would only raise doubts about his story. It’s an unnecessary risk for him to take. Besides, he may still try to get some knowledge from me. The Director wanted to know what I know. If he kills me, that will disappoint the Director.”
I remembered a snippet of their conversation that had been buried in all the commotion. “The Director even made it sound like there’d be little use keeping Gareth around if he couldn’t get the knowledge from me. So I’ll give them all what they want: the truth.”
Magic Betrayed_Elustria Chronicles Page 15