She let her mind travel to him. Where was he now? Was he happy? Married?
She pictured children, tow-headed toddlers with eyes that mirrored his, and her heart wrenched in her chest. Those would have been my children. She suddenly was mournful for the loss of a family she’d never had and hadn’t known she wanted.
She’d been building a career. She imagined Noah had been building a life.
He’d always wanted a big family. She pictured an open, airy house—all glass and metal and minimalism—designed by him, of course. She wondered if he’d followed through with his plan to become an architect.
She hoped so.
She wished she didn’t care so much.
With a soft jolt, the cab came to a stop at the curb in front of her hotel. She fumbled for her bag and paid and tipped the driver before stepping out into the balmy June night. A light breeze blew a candy bar wrapper along the sidewalk—it bounced over her foot as she waited for a couple to walk past the hotel’s entrance. She studied the woman’s shoes as they passed, gold with a spiky heel so high Amelia wondered how she kept her balance. The click-click of heels on the pavement blended with the sound of other footsteps, of motors gunning and horns honking far and near, and of bass pumping from passing cars. The sounds of the city were a fitting backdrop to the cacophony of her thoughts.
She stood there for a few seconds, breathing it all in, and then crossed the sidewalk to climb the red carpeted steps to the hotel’s revolving door. She ambled past the bellman and across the ornate, marble-inlaid insignia that adorned the floor of the gilded lobby. Still lost inside her own head, she exited the elevator and slid her card into the slot at the door of her suite. She recognized by this point how she’d numbed herself to the pain of losing Noah. What she didn’t understand was how or why she’d extended that numbness to other relationships in her life. It was as if she’d made a subconscious decision that if Noah wasn’t going to be by her side, no one would.
She didn’t feel like she pushed men away on purpose. She just hadn’t met a man since Noah she’d connected with.
She wanted to. Right now, at this moment, she wanted to! Her eyes skimmed the beautiful room, lighting on the two glasses by the crystal ice pail, the two plush terry robes hanging in the closet, the two foil-wrapped chocolates placed neatly on the pillows of the large, luxurious, empty bed.
Amelia fought back tears again. What she wouldn’t give to have Noah…somebody, she quickly corrected herself…to share it all with.
She had everything.
But she didn’t have the one thing she wanted most.
CHAPTER TEN
Wild Ride
Sunrise came way too early, but Amelia was forced up before the sun even made its appearance. Her 4:30 wake-up call blared half an hour before the car arrived to take her to the studio where she was set to do her first interview.
Her stomach muscles clenched, and she tried to focus on something other than the cameras she was about to face. She hadn’t gone online this morning. She didn’t think her nerves could take it, even though she knew the die-hard fans would already be weighing in on the book on the review sites and blogs.
She resisted the urge to pull her iPhone from her bag. If the book was—or wasn’t—trending on Twitter, she’d rather not know. She’d leave those worries to Nina and the rest of the publicity team. She was having a hard enough time stopping herself from hyperventilating.
As her car glided through the underground entrance of the network studio’s high-rise home, she rubbed her bleary eyes. She was aching for a Venti Caffe Latte, but she was jittery enough without adding a caffeine jolt to the mix.
Breathe, Mel. It’s not like you haven’t done this before. She’d made the whole talk show circuit when the second book had launched, and she’d handled it fine. Still, as she got out of the car her hands were shaking so hard that when she looked down at them, they felt separate from her, like they weren’t even part of her body. She giggled, breaking the tension somewhat. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the driver shoot her an odd look. She brought one still-shaky hand to her lips and suppressed another giggle.
Once inside, she found Nina—considerably less giddy, all business this morning—waiting to guide her through her agenda. Meanwhile, a network page guided them through a maze of hallways. It seemed like no time before the bright lights of the studio were on her, along with more sets of eyes than she dared to think about.
Once the interview started, she managed to hide her quaking fear. She seemed to possess a special talent for it, probably because of the years she’d spent prepping others for the spotlight. Inside, though, she was a wreck, especially when the questions turned to her writing process.
“The characters in your series really resonate with readers. Are any of them based on people you know?”
Lie. Lie. Change the subject.
“Well, no. They’re fictional, of course. Although at this point, they feel like real people to me. Does that count?”
Amelia’s laugh was smooth, but her heart was thumping so hard she thought it might knock her out of her chair. You’ve got to do better than that, Mel. It wasn’t as if she’d never been asked that question. It was the question she was asked more than any other. It was the most generic question asked of any author, ever.
But it was the first time she’d had to answer it on national television.
The moment she stepped off the soundstage, she squeezed her eyes shut. If Noah saw that, he just saw straight through me.
“Oh, God.”
“What?”
She jumped at the sound of Nina’s voice. Had she said that out loud? Luckily, Nina didn’t seem too concerned about it. She grabbed one of Amelia’s cold hands and pressed her warm fingers into it.
“You were awesome, Mel. Just awesome. Great job.”
Amelia smiled and started to say “thanks,” but before the word was out of her mouth, Nina was dragging her away by the hand she still grasped, whisking her out of the studio to go through the whole routine again.
* * *
Later that day, Amelia sank into the down-filled pillows on her suite’s sleek chenille loveseat with relief. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples in a slow, circular motion. She’d flown into New York two days ago from the West Coast, where she’d been touring in advance of the book’s release. Two more days here, and then she’d finally get to go home and decompress before heading out on the book tour.
She was looking forward to the tour. She loved meeting fans of her books, and signings weren’t nearly as panic-inducing as rooms filled with reporters. But after the tour, she’d be doing something she hadn’t done before: visiting the set of a movie based on her book.
Right now the production company was in the casting phase. A thrill of expectation shot through her as she thought about meeting in person the actors she’d so far seen only in emailed photos. Most of the minor players had been cast, along with the female lead. The male lead had yet to be picked, and that was the role she was most nervous about. Whoever he was, he had big shoes to fill…in her eyes at least. Her head swam at the idea that soon she’d see flesh-and-blood versions of the characters who’d once existed only in her imagination. She closed her eyes, her head filled with images of the story that was still developing in her head. She was asleep within minutes.
It felt like no time had passed when an insistent tapping noise broke into her dreams, rousing her into consciousness. She glanced, bleary-eyed, at the digital clock across the room on the bedside table. 2:30 p.m.
Hmm, that’s weird. Nina’s not supposed to be here till five. She got to her feet, rubbing the back of her neck, and trudged to the door. She glanced out the keyhole, and then her hands flew up to fumble with the locks. She flung the door wide, her mouth hanging open in shock.
“Reese!” she shrieked. “What on earth…what are you doing here?”
Reese threw her arms around Amelia, and they both jumped up and down, squealing like they had when they
were high school seniors and Reese had managed to score Coldplay tickets.
“I moved some things around.” She grinned, a sly edge to her voice. “I wanted to surprise you. I figured you were probably going nuts by now.” She gestured toward the expansive, tinted windows overlooking Midtown.
“Ohmigosh—you don’t even know. I feel like I’m in an alternate universe. Seeing you is the first normal thing that’s happened to me in days. I feel like two different people—me, then this sort of weird half-me that somehow wrote these books—”
Reese smirked. “Well, at least success hasn’t changed you. Still modest as ever. Guess what, honey? You’re awesome, and now everybody knows it.” Her eyes shined. “Speaking of, I saw you on the TODAY show this morning before I left. Totally surreal. But you rocked it.”
“Thanks,” Amelia said, walking backward and perching on the arm of a chair.
She remembered her almost freak-out moment and shuddered.
“Are you sure I did okay? I never know for sure. I…you know, it’s so hard to judge myself. I always feel like an idiot when the camera’s in my face.” She paused, her cheeks pink. “But Nina said it was good.”
Reese laughed.
“Chill out, babe. You did great.” She shook her head. “You really do need me here.”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
Reese moved out of the entry and flopped onto the loveseat. Amelia glanced past her toward the door.
“Where’s your stuff?”
“Oh, I’ve already checked in. My room’s one floor down.”
“How long do you get to stay?”
“I’m here as long as you’re here. We’re on the same flight home. Good thing Nina can keep a secret. I couldn’t be here without her.”
Amelia squealed again. “Yeah, Nina rocks.” She’d have to remember to thank her for this—Nina had totally gone above and beyond.
“How’s everybody doing? How’s David?”
“Oh, same old.” Reese crinkled her nose. “Ready for this production to be over with. So am I, for that matter.”
Amelia shot her a sympathetic look. Reese’s mother had been driving her nuts with wedding plans. Reese was pretty laid-back about the whole thing, but her mom, who’d just retired from her thirty-year elementary school teaching career, was treating the wedding like her new full-time job.
Amelia’s eyes traveled down to the ring on Reese’s left hand. The princess-cut diamond twinkled even in the diffused light of the suite. She looked away, feeling the twinge in her stomach that came anytime something triggered the memory of her own engagement ring, still in her possession, buried in the box in the top corner of her office closet.
She shook off the memory as Reese, quietly appraising her, asked what was on the agenda.
“Well, I’ve got a reading tonight at the ginormous bookstore at Union Square. That’ll be insane. Then there’s this dinner with some people from the publishing house.”
“Just another day at the office.” Reese smiled at her.
“Thank God you’re here,” Amelia said. “Now it might actually be fun.”
* * *
Later that night, Amelia pushed through the wood-framed front door of Union Square Cafe feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Out on the sidewalk, she glanced up past the towering buildings to the night sky, which was lit with a bluish-orange glow. Her stomach was filled to bursting with the banana tart she couldn’t stop herself from ordering at the last minute, and she was still buzzing from three glasses of wine. Feeling more content than she had in days, she exchanged hugs with Nina and with Lynn, her editor, and handshakes with the couple of other colleagues who’d joined them at the restaurant. It had been a good night, made even better by the fact that Nina had extended the invite to Reese.
“What’d you think?”
Reese huffed. “Of what, the signing? It was nuts. Are they always like that?”
Amelia gave her a puzzled look. “Like what?”
“Like what? Like, five million people, that’s what. Like five million people all holding books for you to sign. I can’t believe you don’t have carpal tunnel syndrome by now.”
Amelia chuckled. “No, that’s…kind of new. It’s gotten crazier with every book.”
“I’ll say. That’s, like, understatement of the year. I mean, there were people holding signs.” She stopped and gave Amelia a solemn stare. “Signs, Mel. And those ones in the T-shirts! Seriously, I don’t know how you’re still sane. I’d probably have to show up drunk just to make it through.”
Amelia giggled at the thought of sitting through a reading hammered. Leave it to Reese to put that image in her head.
“Okay, so I’m glad it’s not just me. You have no idea how much having you here makes this stuff feel more real. I mean, it’s not real. It’s…nuts, like you said. But you know what I mean. To have you see how crazy it is. It kind of makes me feel less like I’m going crazy.”
“I’m here for you, babe,” Reese said. “That’s not all I’m here for though, I’ve got to admit. What’s the plan?”
“Oh.” Amelia took a step back, wobbling a little on her platform wedge sandals, and pursed her lips. She’d been so focused on getting through the day that she hadn’t thought at all about tonight. “Well…I don’t know. I’ve got another full slate tomorrow, but, I mean, it’d be great to go out.”
Reese peered at her, incredulous. “You haven’t done anything fun at all since you got here, have you? Oh man, you needed me even worse than I thought.”
Amelia rolled her eyes. “I haven’t exactly had loads of free time, you know? You could cut me some slack. What do you want to do?”
“I’m up for anything—you know me.” Reese raised both hands in an exaggerated shrug. “Night out in New York? Yes, please!”
“Okay, then. Night out it is.”
She pulled out her phone to text Nina, whose cab had long since disappeared from view. If anybody knew where the city’s hotspots were, it was her.
* * *
Nina didn’t disappoint.
She called and gave Amelia a short list of chic bars and clubs—along with a halfhearted plea that she remember her morning commitments. But Amelia could tell she was happy that Reese was there and that she was getting a chance to loosen up and have some fun. Nina made no secret of the fact she thought Amelia should have more fun.
Assessing their professional-looking outfits and deciding they had to change, she and Reese hailed a cab back to the hotel. Once in jeans and stilettos, they headed for a bar in SoHo. It wasn’t the hottest spot on Nina’s list—not a Page Six kind of place—but that’s exactly why Amelia had chosen it. She wanted to keep the night low-key.
They were there within the hour.
When they got inside, the place was packed. They hung around the doors for a few minutes to survey the scene and then slid their way through the crowd, staking their claim on a tall, round table in the center of the bar where two guys and a girl were draining the last sips from their glasses. As soon as they stepped away, Amelia slipped onto one of the high metal barstools. She glanced at Reese, who was gazing at her with unguarded scrutiny.
“So, about tonight,” Reese said and paused. “If this is what you’re facing all the time, no wonder you look so exhausted.”
“Gee. Thanks.” Amelia gave her a withering look, but Reese just raised an eyebrow.
She sighed. Reese was the one person who knew her well enough to see through any pretense.
“Yeah, yeah. Fine. I am exhausted. But this part’s almost over. You know I fly home in two days. Then I get a break.”
“Well, thank God. You look like you need it. But that’s not exactly what I meant…” Reese shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
Amelia leaned forward, her brow furrowed. Her lips formed a question, but Reese started talking again before she could get it out.
“How are you dealing with…the emotional side of all this? I mean, those questions you’re
having to answer. They’re intense. And have you heard anything from Noah?”
“What?” Amelia jumped at the name, her voice flat. “What do you mean, have I heard from Noah. Why would I hear from Noah?”
Glasses clinked, chairs scraped, and voices buzzed all around them, but the din of the bar had faded into a low, droning hum in her ears. Reese’s eyes focused first on the table, then on a spot above Amelia’s left shoulder.
They were interrupted then by a tall, shaggy-haired server in his early twenties. He looked like a soap star, his brazen confidence planting him in the herd of wanna-be actors who flocked to the city, holding down jobs in hospitality while waiting for their big break. He looked them over and flashed an ultra-white smile before asking what they wanted to drink.
Reese ordered a Manhattan. Amelia, still distracted, asked for the house red.
As soon as the waiter was out of earshot, she started back in. “What do you know that you’re not telling me?”
Reese looked sheepish. “Nothing, I swear.” She paused, and then she gave Amelia a sharp look. “It’s just that…well, the books are freaking everywhere, Mel. And there’s so much of Noah in them. I just, I don’t know…I thought maybe you were trying to reconnect.”
Amelia’s jaw dropped.
“So much of Noah in them,” she repeated, her voice faint. She felt sick as her eyes bored into Reese’s. “Is it really that obvious?”
“No.” Reese’s answer was too fast. “I mean, it is to me. I don’t think anybody else would see it.” She faltered, looking down again. “Except…I think Noah would see it.”
“Has he read them, Reese? Seriously, have you heard something that you’re not telling me?” Amelia felt every fear that had crippled her these past few months coming to fruition. Her entire body was rigid. “I swear to you, solemnly swear, that reconnecting with Noah was the last thing on my mind when I wrote the books. I didn’t think he’d ever even know that I’d written a book.” Her voice lowered several notches. “And I definitely didn’t think it was obvious that they were about him.”
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