“Let’s just talk,” she said, patting the chair next to her.
He sat, but couldn’t get comfortable, leaned forward, edgy, and tried not to jiggle his foot.
“Now that I’ve gotten to know the other side of you, Jason, I’d like to have a relationship with you. It’s scary for me to admit, because my ex-husband made me feel like I’m not much of a catch.”
“He’s an ass,” he said. Anything to avoid what he feared would come next. “No disrespect to Gina’s daddy, but the guy did a terrible thing to you.”
“I’m glad you feel that way.” She sighed. “You know me. I like to lay my cards on the table.” She glanced at him with a nervous flutter of lashes. “Jason, you’ve come so far, you’ve opened up and shown me another side of you I never dreamed existed. You’re a decent and honorable man, and I love that about you. You’ve shared your passion for sailing—” she blushed and her voice lowered “—and for making love with me.”
He liked that even after they’d been together several times, and she’d stripped buck naked for him, she could still turn pink and look uneasy discussing their sex life. But he’d as near as told her he loved her, and she hadn’t come close to repeating the sentiments. The topic was a touchy one, to say the least, and his silence wasn’t making it any easier for her. Every muscle in his body tensed rather than blurt out the truth. He loved her, but didn’t think he’d ever make it over the hurdle where Gina was concerned.
“I…uh…heard what you said yesterday in the galley,” she said. “I wanted to say something back, but…uh…you made me very distracted.” She forced a nervous smile, making her lip twitch at the corner. “But it’s been four years, and a huge part of your life is still in that box.”
Rather than look at him, she gazed off in the distance at the ocean. He wondered if it was because she was afraid what she’d see in his eyes, or what he’d see in hers. He wanted to grab her hands and tell her not to worry. To give him more time. He felt confident he could work through this if she’d just give him a little more time.
But the best he could promise was maybe. Would that be enough for her?
“I don’t expect you to ever forget Jessica or Hanna. Please don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to replace anything. I just want a shot at getting all of you, not the leftovers.” Her gaze settled on him, and he sat perfectly still, knowing how hard it must be for her to tell him this. “I guess what I’m doing is laying myself on the line.”
He understood what she was getting at, but felt pushed in a direction he wasn’t completely ready to go. “You mean like giving me an ultimatum? Move on or else?” The spoken words sounded harsher than when he’d thought them.
She looked quickly at him, as if startled by his blunt assessment.
“Look, I know I’ve been holding out on you, Claire. I’m trying to change. I thought we had a pretty damn great weekend.”
Her smile was weak. “We did.”
“It’s just that I’ve been in this holding pattern so long, I’m stuck.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, earnestly searching her eyes. “I want a relationship with you, too.” He reached for her hand. “I have feelings for you, please know that.”
She squeezed his knuckles. “And I have feelings for you, too, but I don’t know how we can explore them if…” She glanced at the shoe box.
If I don’t let go of my dead family? “I know what you’re saying. And I’m not going to revert to my mantra about how you can’t possibly understand how hard it is to lose what I’ve lost.”
“No one could ever know that, and I’m not trying to make less of it. My heart aches for you and your losses. I can only imagine the pain you’ve gone through, and it makes sense to want to protect yourself from more pain. But Jason, it’s time to make a decision whether you want to continue living half a life alone in a carefully protected world, or risk living a full life with someone else but with the possibility of more pain.”
The ongoing doubt forced a new wave of frustration through his chest. He dug his fingers in his hair and exhaled. “Don’t you think I know that? I’ve thought about it every single day since I met you.”
She nodded. “There’s no way we can know the future. We may wind up just having an affair and hating each other.” With a half-hearted smile she swung her arm dramatically, as if trying to lighten the mood. “Who knows?”
“I can’t believe that.” He smiled and patted her knee. “It’s more than just sex with us.”
A quiet laugh escaped her lips. “I don’t know, the sex is pretty good.” She shook her head and quickly grew serious again.
“Since we’ve gotten to know each other I’ve been beating myself up over my stubborn ways. It’s just that I’ve been living like this for so long, I…”
“Maybe your stubborn attitude is telling you something. Maybe it’s my Lupus?”
“No! I know we can deal with that. I want to keep you healthy and, between your medical knowledge and mine, there’s no reason we can’t do that.” He’d be damned if he’d brand her as damaged and unworthy of love like her ex-husband had.
“I can’t even go sailing with you without breaking into a rash,” she said.
He lifted a skeptical brow. That was the least of his worries about pursuing a relationship with Claire. “Haven’t you ever heard of sunset cruising? And besides, if I’d been more attentive and kept you out of the sun, this may never have happened.”
The corners of her mouth twisted up into a cautious smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She laced her fingers together and stared at her hands. “Then maybe it’s Gina?”
Oh, damn, he didn’t want to talk about this. What kind of jerk had second thoughts about a woman’s child? He glanced towards the shoe box, thinking of Hanna’s tiny handprint.
Claire saw a telling glint in Jason’s eyes. He’d hesitated when she’d asked the most pressing question written in her heart, and he seemed incapable of giving her a straight answer. She’d been afraid to ask it, but after he hadn’t slept with her last night, she knew something was wrong and needed to know the answer, no matter how painful it might be. He’d said it wasn’t her Lupus and, barring any other unforeseen problems, that left her daughter.
She swallowed her disappointment, and took his hands in hers. “All we can do is see where things go. I’m not asking you to forget your family. I’m just asking you to quit living in that box.” She needed to be more direct, to let him know things couldn’t go on if he had any doubt about accepting her daughter. “And one more thing, Jason. I’m a package deal. If you can’t…”
Her cellphone rang. Their eyes met for a moment-of-truth stare. She saw a flicker of fear before he blinked.
After a brief conversation with her ex-husband, filled with excuses and a change of plans, she hung up. Charles had been the biggest disappointment in her life, but Jason was on the verge of breaking her heart. She swallowed back the bitter taste of defeat, and decided to revert to business as usual.
“That was Charles. Good thing we got home early today, because he wants to drop off Gina already.” The irony curved her mouth into a sarcastic smile. “He’s probably tired of entertaining her. He doesn’t understand that kids are perfectly capable of keeping themselves busy. All she wants is to know someone who loves her is around.”
Jason rose, not uttering a sound. He headed to the door to give Claire a ride home. As they walked to the car, he thought about Gina, and Claire’s comment about how all Gina wanted was to know someone who loved her was around. He had that in common with the little one. On impulse, he hooked his arm through Claire’s, swung her around and kissed her. “Don’t give up on me.”
She didn’t answer, and he couldn’t discern what was written in her eyes.
Half an hour later, after a long and silent drive, they arrived at Claire’s home. A tall thin man with pale, deep-set eyes and longish brown hair paced back and forth. Gina swung happily on the makeshift rope and wood contraption Mrs. Densmore had managed
to hang from the ancient oak tree on the property when they’d first moved in. She wore purple denim overalls, with a big pocket on her chest.
“Puth me, Daddy! Wee, look at meeeee. Mommy!”
Gina almost jumped from the swing when she saw them, and Claire sprinted to her side before she could fall on her hands and knees in the gravel or, worse yet, her face. She exhaled an exasperated sigh and flashed an irritated glance toward Charles, who hadn’t been nearly close enough to protect Gina.
“Listen, I’ve got to go. Willow has tickets to the Starlight bowl tonight, and she wants to meet up with some friends for dinner first,” Charles said.
“Thanks for watching her.”
“No problem,” he said, brushing a kiss across Gina’s cheek. “Bye, tweety-bird”
“You tweety-burd,” Gina said with a giggle, swatting at his face.
When Charles drove off, big drops of tears fell from Gina’s eyes, and Claire scooped her into her arms and hugged her tight. “I missed you so much,” she said.
Gina rested her head on Claire’s shoulder. “Mommy,” she sighed, as if she were finally home.
Jason glimpsed a moment that perfectly explained how he’d felt about Claire since last weekend. Not that she was a mommy figure, but that she felt like home. A new and exciting place he’d forgotten existed. She was steadfast and understanding, and she’d never let anyone down if she could help it, especially someone she loved. And she’d made her point perfectly clear. Take both of us or nothing at all.
He wanted a new start. With her.
He loved her. He did. He loved her.
After the dizzying revelation, instead of running off, he wanted nothing more than to stay with her. “Mind if I come in for a while?”
“I’d like that,” Claire said.
With her father gone, Gina discovered Jason’s presence, and squealed, “Dock-to Wah-durs!”
“Hey, squirt, you glad to see me?”
Claire let her down and she ran toward Jason. She took his hand and started chatting away while leading him into the house. “I had wunch at MicDonauds…”
Jason had hoped to pick up the conversation with Claire where they’d left off, to bargain for more time in her good graces, but Gina had other plans. She walked him down the hall to her room and grabbed her favorite book.
“Read me.”
He started the story about a corduroy bear, and glanced down at her curls. They looked soft, and a tender feeling whispered through him. He read to distract himself from the feelings.
Claire took her overnight case to her room, and when she’d unpacked she stopped by long enough to say she was going to check up on Mrs. Densmore.
After fifteen more minutes of Gina handing him book after book, Claire reappeared at the door. “Gina, honey, I need to talk to Dr. Rogers.”
“He read me.” He’d just finished reading a book about a princess marrying a prince, and she handed him yet another one, after she picked up a doll half as big as her.
“Maybe later,” Claire said.
“Read.” Gina ignored her mother and opened the book for Jason, then pointed to the page where she wanted him to start.
Claire crossed the room, removed the book from Jason’s hands and gave the girl a stern stare. “No. That’s enough for now.”
Gina screwed up her face and threw her dolly down. She opened her mouth without making a peep while tears pooled in her eyes. After what seemed like several seconds, a long wrenching wail finally escaped her mouth.
Claire dropped to her knees and cupped the little girl’s arms. “Calm down, Gina. Get a hold of yourself.”
Uncharacteristically, Gina swung at her mother and stomped her foot. “No!” she said. “No!”
“Sometimes she gets like this after being with her father,” Claire said over her shoulder, a pleading look in her eye. “I’m not sure if it’s because he spoils her, or if it’s just too hard for her to say goodbye.” Claire held her daughter close, though she squirmed and flung her head around. “What’s wrong, Gina? Use your words.”
“No!”
“If you can’t calm down, I’m going to put you on time out to help you.”
“No!”
Remaining calm, Claire stood up and took Gina by the hand, picked up one of her kiddy-sized chairs and led her to the end of the hall. “Sit,” she said, matter of factly.
To Jason’s amazement, Gina sat facing the wall, fussing and sobbing. The kid knew the routine.
“Two minutes,” Claire said, without a hint of emotion in her voice.
Gina grumbled and kicked the wall she faced.
“I’m not setting the clock until you quiet down.”
More grumbling. Jason tried not to crack a smile.
Claire sighed and rolled her eyes as she tiptoed down the hall, bringing Jason along with her to the kitchen, where she set an egg timer. “Sorry about that.”
“Hey, I’ve seen this behavior plenty of times. It’s got to be hard on her, going back and forth between two parents.”
Claire nodded. “In a perfect world, right?”
He knew exactly what she was talking about.
“Can I make you some coffee?”
Happy to be invited to stick around, he nodded. “Sounds good.” He listened for a moment. “Hey, the squirt has quieted down.”
“Works every time. Thank God for time outs.” Claire flashed a brilliant smile, and Jason couldn’t stop himself from kissing her. Just when their lips were getting warmed up, the egg timer went off.
Claire broke away. “Time’s up, Gina,” she called out. She strode toward the kitchen door, peeked outside, then sprinted down the hall.
A scream rent the air and Jason rushed to find Claire holding a limp Gina in her arms.
“What’s wrong?” he said.
“I don’t know if she’s having an allergic reaction to something or choking.”
Gina’s face was blotchy and pink, her eyes dilated wide. She didn’t appear to be breathing. “Gina said they’d eaten at McDonald’s. Is she allergic to any food?”
“Nothing that I know of.”
Jason grabbed Gina from Claire as an epiphany hit him between the eyes. He couldn’t save his own daughter, but by God he wouldn’t allow this child to die!
“Call 911,” he said as he rushed her down the hall to the better lighting in the living room. Gina wasn’t breathing. He opened her mouth to try to see if there was anything blocking her windpipe. He thought he glimpsed something, but knew he could make things worse by trying to pull it out.
As Claire paced and talked on the phone, giving all the specific information, Jason turned Gina over his arm and gave her five strong strikes between her shoulders, then flipped her over to check her mouth again. He thought the object was a little more evident, but Gina still was unable to breathe. Her lips were turning blue and her little fingers had gone limp. Her eyes were fluttering open and closed. He laid her head-down on his thigh and used the cuff of his hand to push upward five times on her sternum. There was no response, so he repeated the procedure of slapping her back and pushing on her diaphragm several more times. He’d lost count, but knew he was working against the clock. Gina hadn’t gotten oxygen for at least two minutes. He worried what the consequences would be.
With the cuff of his hand pushing upward above her stomach, he heard something pop. He looked inside the mouth of the lifeless child and found a tiny plastic figure.
“Your fingers are smaller than mine,” he said to Claire. “Can you dislodge that?”
Claire was on the job in a heartbeat and pulled out a tiny toy from her daughter’s throat. Then discovered a couple more inside her bib pocket. Had they come from the lunchbox toy?
Gina had been unconscious long enough to not automatically start breathing on her own. Jason knew choking was the number one cause of cardiac arrest in children. He felt for a brachial pulse, and thankfully found one, then he gave two quick puffs of air into her mouth.
Gina coughed an
d spluttered, and soon the sweetest sound emitted from her lungs—she cried. Loudly. Music to his ears.
He glanced at Claire, holding Gina as the firemen and emergency techs stormed the house. Claire explained everything that had happened, all the way back to where Gina had had lunch.
“That’s exactly why the packages say ages three and up,” one of the firemen said.
“He saved her life.” She pointed at Jason and smiled with tears shimmering in her eyes. He saw love and admiration there. When he glanced at Gina, as the emergency personnel worked on her, he took a deep breath and suddenly knew everything would be all right.
In the height of the emergency one clear thought had come to him—he loved Gina just as much as he loved Claire. He loved them both. They were the most important people in his life. And life could be taken away in an instant. If he waited for the assurance that he’d never lose a loved one again, he’d die a lonely man.
If it came down to protecting himself and being alone, or letting his heart continue to come alive, even if it meant feeling the dagger of loss, he was finally willing to take the risk.
He rushed to Claire and took her into his arms as they rolled Gina out the door.
“The mother can come along,” one of the men said.
Claire grabbed her purse and ran alongside the gurney.
“I’ll meet you there,” Jason called out.
“I’m counting on it,” she said with a wave just before climbing into the back of the ambulance.
He’d finally let himself be counted on again, and that sealed the last gap in his heart.
CHAPTER TEN
THREE hours later, Gina had been admitted to the hospital for overnight observation. The ordeal had worn her out. She napped peacefully in the crib-sized bed in the Peds unit, and Claire couldn’t take her eyes off her. Soft brown curls haloed her head, thick dark lashes kissed her cheeks, and her Cupid’s bow lips puckered and twitched from time to time.
Jason sat quietly across the room in one of the two chairs. He’d been by her side through every horrific moment of the choking ordeal.
The Boss and Nurse Albright Page 14