by Maria Semple
• All eyes on the veep, waiting to see how he reacts to the fact that his seat is taken. Nehru jacket offers to move, but Al Gore declines. Nehru hands Al Gore a business card! What a dirty trick. He’s practically booed by the audience, but nobody will admit to being that interested. Al Gore takes business card with a smile. I heart Al Gore.
5 PM CHRIS TAKES THE STAGE
Announces that before the African lady, there will be a surprise talk, a mind-bender, he promises, on brain-computer interface. People snap out of their truffle-and-bacon haze. Chris introduces Elgin Branch from… wait for it… Microsoft Research. Research is the only half-decent group at MS, but really? Microsoft? Audience deflating. Energy dissipating.
5:45 PM HOLY CRAP
Disregard snarkiness of 5 PM post. Give me a second… I’m going to need some time…
7 PM SAMANTHA 2
Thanks for your patience. This talk won’t post on the TED website for a month. In the meantime, let me try to do it justice. Big shout-out to my blogging pal TEDGRRRL for letting me transcribe her phone video.
5 PM Branch puts on headset. On the big screen:
ELGIN BRANCH
(You’ve gotta feel for these guys who have only five minutes. They’re all rushing and nervous.)
5:01 PM Branch: “Twenty-five years ago, my first job was testing code for a research team at Duke. They were attempting to merge mind and computer.”
5:02 PM Clicker doesn’t work. Branch hits it again. And again. Branch looking around. “This isn’t working,” he says to everyone and no one.
5:03 PM Branch bravely soldiering on without video. “They sat two rhesus monkeys in front of a video screen with joysticks, which controlled a little animated ball. Every time the monkeys used the joysticks to move the ball in a basket, they were rewarded with a treat.” He clicks again and again and looks around. Nobody is coming to help. This is ridiculous! The guy’s a good sport. David Byrne stormed offstage this morning when his audio blew.
5:05 PM Branch: “That was supposed to be a video of the pioneering Duke study. In it, you’d see a pair of monkeys with two hundred electrodes implanted into their brains’ motor cortex. They look like those grow-her-hair Barbies with the crown of their heads cut open and a bunch of wires cascading down. It’s pretty grisly. It’s probably best that I can’t show you. Anyway, it was an early instance of brain-computer interface, or BCI.” He clicks the clicker again. “I had a really good slide explaining how it worked.”
IMHO, the guy should be angrier about this! It’s a technology conference, and they can’t get the clickers to work?
5:08 PM Branch: “After the monkeys had mastered using the joysticks to move the balls, the researchers disconnected the joysticks. The monkeys fiddled with the joysticks for a couple seconds, but recognized they no longer worked. They still wanted their treats, so they sat there, staring at the screen, and thought about moving the balls into the baskets. At this point, the electrodes implanted into their motor cortexes were activated. They diverted the monkeys’ ‘thoughts’ to a computer, which we had programmed to interpret their brain signals and act on their thoughts. The monkeys realized they could move the ball just by thinking about it—and they received their treats. The most amazing thing, when you watch the video—” Branch squints into the spotlight. “Do we have the video? It would be great to see the video. Anyway, what’s remarkable is how quickly the monkeys mastered moving the balls with their thoughts. It took them about fifteen seconds.”
5:10 PM Branch squints into the audience. “They tell me I have one minute left.”
5:10 PM Chris jumps onstage and apologizes. He’s pissed about the clicker. We all are. This Branch guy is nice and low-key. And he’s said nothing about the robot!
5:12 PM Branch: “The job ended. Years later, I found my way to Microsoft. In robotics.” Crowd cheers. Branch squints. “What?” He obviously has no idea how excited we’ve all become about that damn robot.
5:13 PM Branch: “I went to work on the voice-activated personal robot you see in front of you.” A rumble from the audience. Who cares if Craig Venter just announced he’d synthesized arsenic-based life in a test tube. Give us a Jetsons-style robot any day!
5:13 PM Branch continues, “Let’s say I’m in the mood for some popcorn. I say, ‘Samantha!’ ” The robot lights up. “We named her Samantha after the character on Bewitched.” Laughter. “Samantha, please bring me some popcorn.” You have to see this guy Branch. He’s very sweet and unassuming—wearing jeans, T-shirt, and no shoes. He looks like he just rolled out of bed.
5:14 PM Samantha glides to the microwave, opens the door, and removes a bag of popcorn. Branch: “We had to pre-pop that, like one of the cooking shows.” The robot rolls to Branch and hands him a bag of popcorn. Applause. Branch: “Thank you, Samantha.” Robot replies, “You’re welcome.” Laughter. Branch: “It’s cute, basic, voice-activated technology.”
5:17 PM A voice from the front row says, “Can I have some of that?” It’s David Pogue. Branch: “Okay, ask her.” Pogue: “Samantha, bring me some popcorn.” The robot doesn’t move. Branch: “Say please.” Pogue: “Come on!” Laughter. Branch: “I’m serious. My daughter was eight when I was working on Samantha and she accused me of being a bully. So I programmed it in. Please. It’s literally the magic word.” Pogue: “Samantha, bring me some popcorn… please?” Hilarity ensuing! The robot rolls to the edge of the stage and reaches out, but drops the bag of popcorn before Pogue can grab it. It spills all over the stage.
5:19 PM Branch: “It’s Microsoft. We had some bugs.” A thunderclap of laughter from the audience. Branch looks offended. “It wasn’t that funny.”
5:21 PM Branch: “We taught Samantha five hundred commands. We could have taught her five hundred more, but what kept holding us back was her thousands of moving parts. She lacked marketplace agility and was too expensive to scale up. Eventually, the Samantha project was canceled.” Everyone in the audience goes awww. Branch: “What are you people? A bunch of geeks?” Instant TED classic!
5:23 PM A guy meanders onto the stage carrying a new clicker. Halfway across, he stops and hitches up his pants. Branch: “Take your time.” Huge laughter.
5:24 PM Branch: “So Samantha was canceled. But then I remembered those monkeys at Duke. And I thought, Hmmm, the complicating factor in creating a personal robot is the robot itself. Maybe we could just lose the robot.”
5:25 PM Branch’s clicker finally works, so he starts the slideshow. First image is monkeys with wires coming out of their heads. Audience gasps, some scream. Branch: “Sorry, sorry!” Branch turns off slideshow.
5:26 PM Branch: “According to Moore’s law, the number of transistors that can be placed on an integrated surface doubles every two years. So in twenty years’ time, what once was that horrible image… became this…” He clicks through to a slide showing a person’s shaved head with what looks like a computer chip under the skin.
5:26 PM Branch: “Which became this…” He holds up a football helmet with a Seahawks sticker on it. On the inside are electrodes with wires coming out. “You could just put it on and nothing had to be wired into your brain.”
5:27 PM Branch puts down the helmet and reaches into his pocket. “Which became this.” He holds up something that looks like a Band-Aid. “TEDsters, meet Samantha 2.”
5:27 PM Branch sticks the Band-Aid on his forehead, just under his hairline. He sits down in the La-Z-Boy. Branch: “I’m going to throw in something real-time for the skeptics.” He pulls the lever and the chair reclines.
5:29 PM Weird sound. A vacuum has started up! It’s moving on its own, coming over and vacuuming up popcorn. Branch is lying down with his eyes open, concentrating on the popcorn. Vacuum turns off. Branch turns to face the TV.
5:31 PM TV turns on by itself. Channels changing. It stops at a Lakers game.
5:31 PM Big screen changes to Outlook. A blank email opens. The cursor goes to the TO: field. It’s writing on its own! BERNADETTE. The cursor jumps to the message f
ield: TED TALK WENT WELL. CLICKER DIDN’T WORK. TOO BAD NOBODY HERE KNOWS POWERPOINT. DAVID POGUE IS KIND OF UNCOORDINATED. P.S.: LAKERS LEADING BY 3 AT THE HALF.
The place is on its feet. What can best be described as a roar is coming from the audience. Branch gets up and pulls the “Band-Aid” off his forehead and holds it up.
5:32 PM Branch: “In March, we ship Samantha 2 to Walter Reed hospital. Go to the Microsoft website today and watch a video of paralyzed veterans using Samantha 2 to cook for themselves in a smart kitchen, watch TV, work on a computer, even care for a pet. At Samantha 2, our goal is to help our wounded veterans live independent and productive lives. The possibilities are endless. Thank you.”
The audience goes ape-shit. Chris has taken the stage and is hugging Branch. Nobody can believe what they just saw.
*
Voilà. There it is, Samantha 2.
*
From: Audrey Griffin
To: Soo-Lin Lee-Segal
I’ve had enough of you. Do you understand? Enough!
*
From Dr. Janelle Kurtz
Dear Mr. Branch,
I have received your inquiry regarding your wife. Perhaps I have misread your intent, but what you genially refer to as “supervised R&R,” which you fear Bernadette won’t “be too keen on,” is, in practicality, asking that she be detained against her will at Madrona Hill.
The procedure for such extreme action is detailed in the Involuntary Treatment Act, Title 71, Chapter 5, Section 150, of the Revised Code of Washington. Per the ITA, in order for a County Designated Mental Health Professional to place an individual on an involuntary hold, the CDMHP must thoroughly evaluate the person and determine if they are an imminent danger to themselves, others, or property, due to a psychiatric illness.
If you believe your wife poses such a threat, you must immediately call 911 and have her taken to an emergency room. There she will be assessed. If it is determined that Bernadette does present such a threat, she will be asked to voluntarily seek appropriate treatment. If your wife refuses, her civil liberties will be suspended and she will be transferred to a state-licensed psychiatric hospital and put on an ITA hold for up to seventy-two hours. From that point, it’s up to the courts.
Madrona Hill, on Orcas Island, is unique in that along with our renowned inpatient and residential treatment, we operate the only private psych ER in the state. Therefore, I witness the devastating effects of involuntary commitment every day. Families are ripped apart. Police, lawyers, and judges get involved. It goes on public record, for all future employers and financial institutions to see. Because it is so costly in terms of blood, treasure, and emotion, involuntary commitment should be considered only after every other option has been exhausted.
As you describe it, your wife’s behavior is cause for concern. I was surprised to learn that she isn’t in therapy. That seems like a logical first step. I’d be happy to suggest some wonderful psychiatrists in your area who could meet Bernadette and ask the proper questions so she can receive appropriate treatment. Don’t hesitate to call if this is a path you choose to pursue.
Sincerely,
Dr. Janelle Kurtz
*
IM exchange between Dad and Soo-Lin during a staff meeting
SOO-LINL-S: Everything OK? You seem distracted.
ELGINB: Starting to question my sanity. Home stuff.
SOO-LINL-S: If you were to share your stories about Bernadette at a VAV meeting, you couldn’t get through two sentences without getting TORCHed. TORCH stands for: Time Out, Reality CHeck!
SOO-LINL-S: Any time a speaker slips into the abuser’s story—for instance, if I were to say something like “I know I’m always tired and all I want to talk about is work,” which is what Barry used to accuse me of—someone stands up and TORCHes them by yelling, “Time Out, Reality CHeck!”
SOO-LINL-S: It teaches us to separate our reality from our abuser’s story, which is the first step toward halting the abuse cycle.
SOO-LINL-S: I know you’ll be uncomfortable with some of the VAV terminology. I was, too. I thought, I’m not being abused by Barry.
SOO-LINL-S: But at VAV, our definition of abuse is intentionally broad and esteem-positive. We are victims, make no mistake about it, but we want to move beyond victimhood, which is a subtle yet important distinction.
SOO-LINL-S: Elgie, you are a Level 80 at the most successful company in the world. You’ve vested out three times. You have a daughter who’s thriving academically despite several heart surgeries.
SOO-LINL-S: Your TEDTalk is ranked number four on the all-time most-watched list yet you live with a woman who has no friends, destroys homes, and falls asleep in stores?
SOO-LINL-S: I’m sorry, Elgie, you are hereby TORCHed.
ELGINB: Thanks for this, but I kind of have to concentrate. Will read more carefully after meeting.
*
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17
From: Bernadette Fox
To: Manjula Kapoor
I’m back! Did you miss me? You know how I said I was going to come up with a way to get out of going to Antarctica?
What if I had emergency surgery?
My dentist, Dr. Neergaard, keeps insisting I get all four wisdom teeth removed, which I haven’t been in any rush to do.
But how about I call up Dr. Neergaard and ask him to remove all four wisdom teeth the day before the trip? (And when I say how about I call up Dr. Neergaard and ask him to remove all four wisdom teeth the day before the trip, what I really mean is how about you call up Dr. Neergaard and ask him to remove all four wisdom teeth the day before the trip?)
I can claim it was an emergency, and that I’m devastated, but the doctor forbids me from flying. That way, husband and daughter can go on the trip themselves and nobody blames me.
Dr. Neergaard’s number is below. Schedule my surgery for December 23, any time after 10. (There’s a school recital that morning, and Bee is doing the choreography. The little rotter has forbidden me from going, but I checked online and found out when it is.) My plan is this: I’ll go to school, then pretend I’m going Christmas shopping.
The next time anyone sees me, I’ll look like a chipmunk. I’ll claim my teeth had been aching and I popped by Dr. Neergaard’s. The next thing I knew, he had removed four wisdom teeth and now I can’t go to Antarctica. Here in America, we call that a win-win.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 20
From Marcus Strang of the FBI
Dear Mr. Branch,
I am the regional director of the Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3), working in partnership with the Department of Homeland Security. My department within the IC3 tracks advance fee schemes and identity fraud.
You have come to our attention because of a charge on a Visa card billed to you dated 10/13, in the amount of $40, to a company calling itself Delhi Virtual Assistants International. This company does not exist. It is a shell company for a crime syndicate working out of Russia. We have spent the last six months building a case against them. A month ago, we were granted a warrant, which allowed us to track emails between your wife, Bernadette Fox, and one “Manjula.”
In the course of this correspondence, your wife has turned over credit card information, bank wiring instructions, social security numbers, drivers license numbers, addresses, passport numbers, and photographs of you, herself, and your daughter.
You are apparently unaware of this activity. Your wife suggests in one email to “Manjula” that you had forbidden her from using the services of Delhi Virtual Assistants International.
This matter is delicate and urgent. Yesterday “Manjula” asked for power of attorney while your family is away in Antarctica. We were able to intercept this email before it was delivered to your wife. Judging from her past behavior, we had every reason to believe she would sign it without hesitation.
As you read this letter, I will be landing in Seattle. I will be at the Microsoft Visitor Center at noon, where I expect you to meet me and offer your full cooperation.
In the next three hours, it is imperative that you do not share this information with anyone, especially your wife, who has proven herself to be an unreliable actor.
The warrant obtained was for all your wife’s emails in the past three months containing the word “Manjula.” There were literally hundreds. I have selected the twenty most relevant and have also included a lengthy one from her to a Paul Jellinek. Please familiarize yourself with them prior to my arrival. I suggest you clear your calendar for the rest of the day and week.
I look forward to meeting you at the Visitor Center. With your full cooperation, we are hoping to keep Microsoft out of it.
Yours,
Marcus Strang
P.S.: We all love your TEDTalk. I’d love to see the latest on Samantha 2 if time permits.
PART FOUR
Invaders
MONDAY, DECEMBER 20
Police report filed by night manager at the Westin Hotel
STATE OF WASHINGTON
CIRCUIT COURT
KING COUNTY
STATE OF WASHINGTON -vs.- Audrey Faith Griffin
I, Phil Bradstock, an officer with the Seattle Police Department, having been first duly sworn in, on oath, state that:
The above-named defendant on December 20, in the City of Seattle, Washington, while in a public place, did engage in indecent, abusive, boisterous, or otherwise disorderly conduct, under circumstances in which such conduct tended to cause or provoke a disturbance contrary to RCW 9A.84.030 c2, and did commit Assault in the Fourth Degree as defined in RCW 9A.36.041, both Misdemeanors, and upon conviction may be fined not more than One Thousand Dollars ($1,000) or imprisoned not more than thirty (30) days, or both.
This information is based upon the testimony of the complainant STEVEN KOENIG, night manager at the Westin Hotel in downtown Seattle. I find the testimony of Steven Koenig to be both truthful and reliable.
1. On Monday, December 20, at approximately 2 AM, Steven Koenig reports that he was on duty as the night manager of the Seattle Westin Hotel when he received a call from guest AUDREY GRIFFIN in Room 1601, complaining of noise emanating from Room 1602.