Where'd You Go, Bernadette

by Maria Semple

Say yes. And know I’m always,

  Mom

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thank you…

  Anna Stein, fierce and elegant agent, dear friend. Judy Clain, true believer, full of kindness and sparkle.

  To my parents. Joyce, for the near-embarrassing belief in me, and Lorenzo, for making me want to become a writer.

  For the hands-on help: Heather Barbieri, Kate Beyrer, Ryan Boudinot, Carol Cassella, Gigi Davis, Richard Day, Claire Dederer, Patrick deWitt, Mark Driscoll, Robin Driscoll, Sarah Dunn, Jonathan Evison, Holly Goldberg Sloan, Carolyne Heldman, Barbara Heller—I shudder to think what a mess I’d have on my hands without your notes—Johanna Herwitz, Jay Jacobs, Andrew Kidd, Matthew Kneale—my Roman star, twinkling—Paul Lubowicki—especially, especially!—Cliff Mass, John McElwee, Sally Riley, Maher Saba, Howie Sanders, Lorenzo Semple III, Garth Stein, Phil Stutz, Arzu Tahin, Wink Thorne, Chrystol White, John Yunker.

  The Cassella girls: Elise, Julia, and Sara, without whose decency and charm, there’d be no Bee.

  At Little, Brown: Terry Adams, Reagan Arthur, Emily Cavedon, Nicole Dewey, Heather Fain, Keith Hayes, Michael Pietsch, Nathan Rostron—sometimes I think my whole writing career is an elaborate ruse to make you take my calls—Geoff Shandler, Amanda Tobier, Jayne Yaffe Kemp.

  Deep, lifelong thanks to: Nicholas Callaway, Mia Farrow, Merrill Markoe, Peter Mensch, Ann Roth, James Salter, Larry Salz, Bruce Wagner.

  For the Seattle embrace: the parents, faculty, and staff of the ___ school, Mr. Levys all, gnats not a one. Huge thanks to my comrades at Seattle7Writers, Elliott Bay Book Company, University Books, and the Richard Hugo House.

  Most of all: George Meyer, who, with kindness and minimal complaint, suffers the arrows so I can wall off and write. Thanks for sticking with me, baby.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Maria Semple is the author of This One Is Mine. Before turning to fiction, she wrote for Mad About You, Ellen, and Arrested Development. Her writing has appeared in The New Yorker. Semple lives in Seattle, where she teaches fiction, studies poetry, and tries to stay off the Internet.

  mariasemple.com

  ALSO BY MARIA SEMPLE

  This One Is Mine

  1 I’m not divulging any proprietary Microsoft information when I say this. Microsoft is built on ideas, and you can’t just go blabbing those ideas, even to your family, because they might blab it to Kennedy, who blabs it to her dad, and even though he works at Amazon, he used to work at Microsoft and knows people, who he tells, and Dad hears about it, and you learn your lesson. Normally I’d never say where Dad was going on business, but I looked it up on the Internet, and there’s a video of his presentation at Walter Reed hospital that afternoon, so it’s totally public.

  Contents

  Welcome

  Dedication

  Preface

  Part One: Mom Versus the Gnats

  Part Two: Bernadette Past and Present

  Part Three: Menace to Society

  Part Four: Invaders

  Part Five: Dangers Passed

  Part Six: The White Continent

  Part Seven: The Runaway Bunny

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also by Maria Semple

  Copyright

  Copyright

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Copyright © 2012 by Maria Semple

  Cover design and illustrations by Keith Hayes

  Cover copyright © 2012 Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  Book design by Fearn Cutler de Vicq

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Little, Brown and Company

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  First e-book edition: August 2012

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  ISBN 978-0-316-20428-6