by Marika Ray
My stomach was clawing at my insides. I was miserable. So miserable it felt a lot like how I’d felt when Shawn first left two years ago. I’d been adrift, stunned, confused, and hurt. Take all that and add in a layer of massive guilt and you’d feel what I was feeling right then.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Gabby was practically shouting, making me wince.
Tears flooded my eyes and my throat swelled.
“I just—” I sniffled loudly, trying to hold back the tears. “I wasn’t using the fifty ways on him and he’s supposed to be my neighbor, not my love interest. And we just met. How can he love me?”
“Oh, Lil.” Gabby sighed. “Who cares if you were using that stupid list on him? The point is to find a good man, not to prove this list works. I think the real reason you’re having trouble with all this is because of your last question. How could Jameson be in love with you?”
I threw my hand in the air. “I don’t know! That’s what I’m saying. It’s crazy!”
“Mhmm...”
I really freaking hated it when Gabby did that. She had something to say but wouldn’t say it. But I was all out of fucks today. I wasn’t playing her little game. If she didn’t want to tell me, fine. But I wasn’t going to sit here and play twenty questions.
“Look, I gotta go. The kids need to be doing their homework right now. Talk later?”
“For sure. Just promise me you’ll think on that last question, okay?”
“Okay, sure, see ya.” I hung up, feeling even worse than before she called.
I threw my phone on the couch and went to get the kids rounded up for homework time while I started dinner. And if I didn’t have much of an appetite, I blamed it on my stress at work. If I was a little short with the kids, it was because they were being difficult on purpose. If I glanced out the front window constantly, it was because I thought I heard an Amazon delivery, not because I was checking to see if my neighbor was coming by to hash things out. If I went to bed and couldn’t even stomach watching my favorite Disney movie for fear of another dream, it was because I was too tired to keep my eyes open.
And yet, open they stayed, into the wee hours of the morning.
When I woke, I had a plan. A new determination to finish this damn list and find a man. The list would work, Jameson was not the man of my dreams, and today I’d get to work on proving it.
The Reality of Love, Mom-Com Style - episode #7
We have news. Big news. Three little words, two people, and one stolen kiss. Okay, the kiss turned into a delicious make-out session against the wall involving many kisses, but that didn’t go with my clever countdown. Our girl, Betty, is running scared, but you can’t really outrun your next-door neighbor, can you? *Cue maniacal laugh.* Let the record state I see these two together. Like love and marriage and a baby carriage, together.
Neighbor man better step up his game and wrangle her in. He’s got his work cut out for him, because if I know Betty, she’s going to come back swinging with a vengeance in the form of man-hunting 1950s style on steroids.
Hang tight, dear readers. The chase is heating up!
I made a miscalculation.
After the third shoe turned up with teeth marks in it, I was open to the idea that this was a bad idea. I’d studied my list and picked the one that seemed the most promising for myself, and for the kids. I’d made some calls from work on Friday and I got the delivery on Sunday morning while the kids were still with their dad.
Meanwhile, I was stuck with my bad decision and wondering if I could take it back before the kids saw him. He was cute really, this new man of the house I’d gotten. All ten pounds of fur and big paws and clumsy tumbling. The golden retriever puppy looked at me with these big golden-brown eyes that melted my heart.
Until I saw my shoes. Then that mushy heart froze over a bit and the puppy eyes didn’t hold so much power. The list had said to adopt a puppy and take it for walks to attract the single men. I’d researched good breeds for kids and found a shelter who had a whole litter of golden retriever puppies looking for a good home.
If nothing else, he’d provided companionship today while my kids were gone. Jameson had been nowhere to be found. Since I ran out on him Thursday afternoon, I hadn’t seen him at all. It almost seemed like he was ignoring me.
Which made that layer of guilt build higher and higher until I was practically choking on it. The even sadder fact was that I realized I missed him. He’d always been coming over and helping out with the kids. He was just there, being his dorky, awkward self and making me laugh. And I hadn’t even realized it. Until he wasn’t.
So I kept Puppy and kept glancing out the window where I could see Jameson’s driveway. I wasn’t sure what I’d do if I saw him, but it seemed imperative that I actually lay eyes on him. You know, to just make sure he was among the living. For all I knew, he’d been lovestruck and then struck down, lying in a heap on the floor just waiting for a dutiful neighbor like myself to come check on him.
“Gah!” I hopped off the couch, disgusted with myself. Two days of no Jameson and I was ready to chuck my man-plan. Puppy scrambled to his feet so fast, he spun out and face-planted. That brought a smile to my face. Not him hurting himself, but just how eager he was to interact with me. Jameson might be ignoring me, but Puppy thought I was better than a squirrel up a tree.
“We need to give you a name, sweet boy.” I ruffled his fur and the minute my hand left his head, he was jumping onto my shins for more. What was with puppies that made me talk in that little baby voice? “You’re just so cute, aren’t you? You love it when I talk to you like this, huh? Yes, you do. Good boy.”
A car door slamming outside had me scrambling to my feet, looking a lot like Puppy when he tried to get up. Feet solidly under me finally, I ran to the front window, my heart about to beat out of my chest. I lifted one blind slat and peered out, hoping to see Jamison. Instead, I saw my ex climbing out of his new Mercedes.
“Well, that’s a disappointment,” I muttered to myself. It was enlightening to see Shawn after spending time with Jameson. The differences were startling. Shawn was smaller, shorter, and lighter complected. He’d gone soft around the middle after turning thirty, focusing on work and late-night drinks with clients, leaving no time for working out. Instead, he wore a flashy watch and drove a fancy car, the accouterments that screamed he was someone of importance.
Jameson, on the other hand, was tall and brooding, with muscles and thick hair I could still feel sliding between my fingers. Jameson didn’t need expensive objects to exude confidence. It was in the way he studied things before speaking, how he observed and processed a problem with that brilliant mind of his. His confidence whispered softly in the way he treated women and children; like they were the most important people on earth, to be treasured and revered, not left at home eating dinner alone yet again.
My chest squeezed painfully, missing Jameson. The pain, sharp and deep, had me rubbing my chest as I watched my ex get the kids out of the car and walk up the driveway. I was surprised. I’d spent most of my time being annoyed with Jameson for distracting me from using all the Fifty Ways to Find a Husband, and here I was, now pining for him like a heartbroken woman. I’d been heartbroken when my ex left too, but that break also brought a breath of fresh air, like I’d dodged a bullet.
This pain? This just felt like the biggest mistake of my life.
16
Jameson
“Dad! They have a dog!” Stein nearly slid past my office door in his socks. The wide eyes and loud shout gave away the level of his excitement.
I closed my laptop on top of my desk and tried to pull my brain into the conversation. I’d been in the middle of building some extra assignments into the curriculum for second quarter, but got very little done as every other thought was about Lily-Marie and what I should do about our tenuous situation.
“What’s that?”
Stein ran into my office and grabbed my shoulders, his face level with mine while I sat, so e
arnest I bit back a smile, even in my current funk.
“Clark and Milly. They have a dog!” He grabbed my hand and pulled with all his might. I acted like he’d yanked me from my chair with a force much greater than a guy his age could muster.
“Jeez. Been working out, buddy?” I let him tug me toward the front door, where I finally planted my feet and looked out the window. I wasn’t keen on the idea of going over there and seeing Lily-Marie face-to-face. She and I had unfinished business and I had zero confidence I could casually interact with her in front of the kids without dropping to my knees and begging for her to love me back.
Yeah, I know. Pathetic, right?
A cursory glance outside wasn’t enough for Stein. All the sight did was stir up his excitement for all things canine. Jumping around on a bright blue leash was a floppy light-haired puppy, attached to the woman I’d been obsessing over. She, of course, looked like a ray of sunshine in that yellow dress I loved so much, her long hair curling down her back and her easy smile making me wonder if she thought of me at all.
Clark and Milly pet—mauled—the dog, getting him tangled in his leash. Several other neighbors were out, talking to Lily-Marie and meeting the puppy. All in all, it looked like they were having a nice little family afternoon with their new addition. Like my profession of love wasn’t even on her mind. Like I wasn’t over here dying with each minute of silence that passed.
“Can we go pet him, Dad?” Stein tugged on my arm again, doing that dance that looked like he had to pee when he was little, but was now just his “excited” dance.
My shoulders drooped. There was no way to say no. It was a goddamn puppy, for Christ’s sake.
“Sure. Let’s go pet the puppy.”
Stein flew out the door, leaving me behind, and I was tempted to just stay there in my doorway, watching from the sidelines. I’d done a fairly good job the last few days staying away from Lily-Marie. After her sprint to get away from me, I figured she needed some space. Maybe some time to come to terms with her feelings. Maybe a full day before she came running over to tell me she loved me too. But one day turned into three and here I was afraid to leave my house for fear of having to talk to her.
A shirtless runner came down the sidewalk and made a beeline for Lily-Marie, his sweaty chest glistening in the late afternoon sun. I froze, right there on the doorstep, reduced to a lurker in the shadows. The asshole flexed his abs—so obvious—and asked her a question that had her throwing back her head in laughter. The bastard had the audacity to reach down and pet the dog, like he was part of their little family unit. Then he ran his hand through his hair, real casual, showing off his biceps like an Arnold Schwarzenegger wannabe. Unfortunately, the move also showed off his overly trimmed arm pit hair and how stupid was that? I bet he Nair’d his chest too. No man over twenty had literally zero hairs on their chest naturally.
A surge of anger flooded my averagely hairy chest and I couldn’t stand around any longer. I stalked over to the group, intent on breaking up this little flirt session. Nothing wrong with reminding Lily-Marie I existed.
“Hey, Lily-Marie. You guys got a dog?” I asked, pumping a smile I didn’t feel into my question.
She spun around with what I could have sworn was a look of delight before schooling her features and answering me.
“Yeah, thought the kids could use a family pet. We don’t have a name for him yet, but we’re going to pull names from a hat tonight and let fate pick it.” She ducked her head and smiled down at the cloud of fur, currently rolling on its back and receiving belly rubs from six small hands.
I was encouraged to see her keep her back to Mr. Sweaty Chest, the guy who was currently giving me a glare I understood all too well. It was the same one I wore every time Lily-Marie pulled her flirting stunts with other men around me.
“Dad, check him out. We should totally get one too!” Stein’s face nearly cracked in two with his huge smile.
Now that I was at her side, I hated to leave Lily-Marie, but the kids were there. No deep conversations could be had, and besides, I was kind of upset with her. I’d vomited my feelings to her and she’d run away. Maybe the vomit part was the problem. But how was I supposed to know love confession etiquette? Up until three days ago, I didn’t believe that romantic love even existed.
So, I walked a few steps away and squatted down with the kids to pet the puppy. He was super soft and warm, lapping up all the attention. He even squeezed in a few licks on my hand, stealing my attention from Lily-Marie and her runner guy. Until he opened his big mouth, that is.
“I didn’t realize you lived around here.”
Damn, the second I walked away, he was back at it, flirting like he had no respect for the minors in listening range.
I glanced up and caught Lily-Marie blushing. Fuck. Right in front of me, she met a guy. He looked pretty strong, like he could totally sweep her off her feet. Just like she wanted.
“Hey, Jameson, can you help us show him how to play fetch?” Clark shoved something in my hand, a brand-new blue rubber ball, to match the dog’s collar, I’d bet.
Anger burned up my esophagus, Lily-Marie’s interest in other men creating the worst acid reflux known to humankind. But there were three eager kids looking at me to help them with their new four-legged family member and I couldn’t let them down.
“Sure, kiddo. It’s all about positive reinforcement. The leash isn’t that long, so let’s toss the ball to him and see if he’ll pick it up at least. If he does we’ll shower him with praise. Okay?” I scooted back and gestured for the kids to follow, crouching down to their level again.
Milly climbed on my back and wrapped her arms around my neck, wanting a higher vantage point for all the action. A bit of the fire burning through my system faded away at her ready acceptance. Her mother might not like me, but Milly sure did.
I tossed the ball right to the puppy and we all waited with bated breath while he sniffed it, pawed at it, and then hopped around while it lay there inert on the ground. Meanwhile, I could hear Mr. Sweaty Chest inviting Lily-Marie to join him on his next run. I snorted at the thought. Like she’d voluntarily go running. What an idiot.
Clark glanced over at me, probably wondering why I was snorting at nothing. I just smiled back, then stood up to go get the ball. Milly squealed in my ear, enjoying the piggyback ride. We stooped and I let Milly lean over my shoulder to be the one to pick up the ball. The puppy licked her hand and she giggled, the sound bringing another smile to my face.
Hustling back over to the boys, I had Milly chuck the ball at the dog, and this time, he sniffed at it and then picked it up in his mouth. When we all burst out cheering, he looked up, startled, and dropped the ball again. At our collective groan, Lily-Marie came over to see what was going on. Thankfully, marathon boy took the hint and took off, leaving Lily-Marie blessedly alone.
“What are you guys up to?”
She stood right next to me, her hand on Milly’s back, which put her breast pressed firmly against my arm. A waft of her perfume hit my nose and I nearly dropped Milly. I tried to swallow, but my throat felt too tight.
“We’re gonna teach him how to play fetch, Mom,” Clark explained.
I was watching the puppy, studiously ignoring Lily-Marie, but I could feel her breathing next to me. Hell, I could feel her gaze on the side of my head, her stare not leaving me once. I had no idea what she’d say to me or what she was feeling, but I couldn’t look at her. Not while the kids were there. I simply didn’t trust myself.
“If anyone can teach him, I’d bet on Jameson.” She almost whispered it, her mouth only a foot away from my ear.
A shiver ran down my spine at her intimate tone. I kept up a steady chant, reminding myself not to look at her. Not the time, nor the place. I had more self-control than that, I knew I did.
“Hey, Lily-Marie! You got a new dog there?” Mr. Stinebeck, from down the street, called over from the sidewalk, ripping Lily-Marie’s attention from the side of my head.
; I winced. Good Lord, it was like the freaking Bachelor show around here. Every damn neighbor was a man and every single one of them wanted to talk to Lily-Marie. A flutter of something I didn’t recognize threatened to consume me, even as the kids went back to playing fetch with their dog.
As I watched Lily-Marie talk with Mr. Stinebeck, his hand patting her back far too intimately for my liking, I decided enough was enough. No need to torture myself further.
Lowering Milly to the ground, I stood back up and clapped my hands. “All right, guys. I gotta start making dinner. Good luck with the puppy.”
With that, I spun on my heel and marched back inside my house. Not one backward glance. An exit I could be proud of.
When I got inside and closed the front door—didn’t even slam it—I proceeded to slap two cans of soup down on the counter and took my anger out on the can opener. None of that electric can opener business for me. I did it the old-fashioned way with elbow grease and anger.
By the time the soup was boiling on the stovetop, I was rapidly running out of hope. Instead of debating when Lily-Marie would come to her senses and realize she loved me, I was contemplating moving yet again. How disruptive would that be for Stein?
I let out a sigh. “Dumbass...”
I couldn’t ask Stein to move again so soon. Simply because his father was an idiot and fell in love with the girl next door, too much of a nerd to figure out how to make her fall in love with him in return.
So that was it. I was destined to live out the rest of my life here in this house, watching the woman I loved flirt with everyone but me.
Unrequited love. My new friend.
Stein was in his pajamas, curled up on one end of the couch as we watched his favorite YouTube channel with two grown adults playing Minecraft and narrating their way through the adventure. He giggled when one of the narrators screamed and died a fiery death, the sound normally being enough to make even my most stressful days bright again. But even my son’s giggles couldn’t lighten the dark thoughts that pounded through my head.