by Jamie Pope
The past few days she had been living moment by moment. She didn’t feel good. She wasn’t sure she would ever feel good again, but she was feeling better. Like her brain wasn’t asleep anymore. Like she wasn’t stuck in that horrible nightmare.
His hand came up; his fingers burrowed in her thick curls. “You want to talk about it?” he asked her. His voice was thick with sleep. Her nightmares were keeping him up. Her presence was keeping him from his life. He never complained or made any excuses to be anywhere else, but she knew that he must have a life here.
She had hoped Wylie James had found happiness, even though he left her without a word, without a good-bye.
“No. Go back to sleep.”
He lifted his head to drop a kiss on hers. “Only if you do.”
“I will. I’m better. I promise.”
“Good.” He shifted her body, turning her on her side, bringing her even closer so that he could rest with his lips buried in her neck. It shouldn’t have been a comfortable position, but it was. She felt sleepy again, and safe. She felt close to him, something that she never felt with anybody else before, even her own husband.
* * *
The next morning she woke before he did. She slipped out of bed, prepared to do what she had done every morning since she arrived here. Shower. Eat. Live. But for some reason her feet wouldn’t move more than a couple of feet from the bed. She looked down at Wylie. He slept with his mouth slightly open. There was a pillow crease on his face and stubble on his cheek. But he was beautiful. And the urge to get back into bed and snuggle into his warmth came over her so quickly that it nearly knocked the wind out of her.
“You all right?” He opened his eyes, feeling hers on him.
“Um . . . yes. I was just going to get dressed.”
He nodded. “I want to take you into town today. We need to go shopping. We just about ate everything in the house. Are you okay with that?”
“Would it matter if I wasn’t?” she forced herself to ask. Ever since the day he had taken her to the beach, she made an effort to speak, to respond, to be present. Wylie reminded her that she had lived once, that there was life beyond Terrance. Even if the thought of that life was terrifying to her.
“No, ma’am.” He gave her a sleepy, almost mischievous smile and folded his arms behind his head. “It’s time to get you out of the house.” For a moment they stared at each other. He was bare-chested and rumpled. Stretched out on the bed in his boxer briefs, he looked better than any underwear model that she had ever seen. An uncomfortable feeling passed through her.
Recognition.
Through her numbness and pain she realized that he was a man. And he was beautiful. She wasn’t immune to that.
“Are you all right?” he asked, sitting up. There was that worry in his eyes again and she couldn’t help but think back to their time together, when he was unguarded and showed her exactly how he felt.
“I’m okay,” she said quickly, trying to cover up her new feelings. “I just can’t seem to get moving this morning.”
“You want me to help?”
Immediately his question brought back memories of that first day. Of him in the shower with her, of him washing her body and touching her breasts and kissing her scarred skin. It wasn’t sexy in the moment, but thinking back on it now, she realized how much she had felt then.
How his touch reminded her that she was still alive.
How his touch could be a powerful thing.
“No. No.” She shook her head, taking a step toward the dresser, where he had neatly placed all her clothes. “I’ll be out soon.”
She escaped to that bathroom door, locking herself inside. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She had avoided it, not wanting to see herself. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because she had no idea who she was anymore.
She couldn’t avoid it today and so she stepped closer. She didn’t recognize herself. Her skin was lighter from not seeing the sun. Her face was thinner, and the bags under her eyes were bigger. She had known her hair would be in its natural curls from not having been straightened in a year, but she hadn’t seen herself this way since . . . before she was married. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
Wylie was right. She did look like shit. And after nearly a year of not caring what she looked like, she realized that maybe she should. It was past time she returned to the living.
* * *
It was still early that late August morning, but the sun was warm. Cassandra closed her eyes and let it bake her face as she waited for Wylie. She liked the feeling. The heat on her face. The warm wood of an Adirondack chair on her back. The smell of the ocean air.
This place smelled so different from her house, from her bedroom, and the sheets she never washed because she thought they still held her husband’s smell. She let herself think about him, not the guilty memories that usually invaded her, but of the happy times. The time Wylie and Terrance took her tubing on the Connecticut River, and the time they convinced her to jump out of a plane. She thought about the times Terrance and she had talked all night before they were married. He was her friend. He was her husband, but she had always thought of him more as her friend.
“Are you ready?”
She looked up at Wylie as he stood over her. Mirrored sunglasses shielded his eyes and on his body he wore a black T-shirt, blue jeans and boots. His style hadn’t evolved much over the years, and she was glad for that. Because as much as she wanted to forget parts of her past, she needed something familiar to ground her.
He held out his hand to her. She reached to take it, only to realize her own hand was shaking. “I haven’t been out of the house since . . .” She trailed off. She couldn’t remember the last time. It had been a year since her husband died; it had been nine months since she had woken up and seven months since she had left the hospital. She hadn’t cared for herself at all in that time. She had tried to, but she had failed. Miserably so.
The thought of it made her feel sick.
She rose to her feet. “I’m ready.”
“It’s okay to be nervous.”
“Is it? I’m ashamed of myself, Wylie James. I can’t believe I let it get so bad. Everyone must hate me.” She looked away from him, unable to meet his eyes.
“Hush now,” he said softly. “Nobody blames you for feeling how you do. Nobody hates you. I don’t want you to think about that. All I want you to do is think about what we need at the store.”
“Okay.” She nodded and took a step off the porch and toward his truck. As she opened the door, it came back to her, the last time she had gone to the store. The daughter and husband of her principal had been in the produce section, going about their business until they saw her. They froze. His wife, her mother, had been one of the five people that died that day. The girl’s eyes filled with tears, sadness crossed the man’s face and guilt slammed into Cassandra. She lived when all those people had died. She lived when it was her fault the gunman entered the building. She left her cart in the store, too guilty, too shaken to continue shopping. Somehow she had gotten herself home and into bed.
Every time she left her house, she saw reminders of that day. Kids who were in her class, a family member who had lost a loved one. People who just wanted to tell her how much they loved her husband. She slowly stopped going out, getting out of bed, living.
“I was thinking about grilling up some steaks for dinner,” Wylie said, breaking her from her thoughts. “Baked potatoes, sour cream and butter. Maybe some pie for dessert. How does that sound?”
“It sounds nice, Wylie.” She reached for his hand and squeezed. “Thank you.”
“For what?” He gave her a quick grin. “You’re doing all the cooking.”
A Jeep flew down the road and into Wylie’s driveway. There was no top, no doors; the radio was blasting Eminem.
“Shit,” Wylie cursed. “Not now.”
Cass hadn’t seen a soul since she had been at Wylie’s. Not a neighbor or visitor. He hadn’t even r
eceived a phone call in the last few days, but it seemed that quiet had come to an end.
Out of the Jeep came a woman wearing a low-cut black tank top and tight dark denim jeans on her abundantly curvy body. She was beautiful, but in a wild way. She had straight, black hair, which was so long it stopped just past her behind, pretty light brown skin and delicate features that made it impossible to identify her ethnicity.
“Wylie James Everett, you get your sorry ass out of that truck right this minute!” She had an accent too. Southern, but not like Wylie’s sweet, soft one.
Wylie’s jaw hardened. He cursed again and got out of the truck. He grabbed the woman by her elbow and pulled her toward the house. “What the hell are you doing here, Nova? I texted you that I wasn’t going to be around this week.”
“Yeah, you texted. Thanks a lot for that. You tell me how I explain that to a five-year-old. You promised you would help me with him. You said you were going to be around.”
“I am helping you with him. I give you a check every damn week. I was at every soccer game. I’m around. I called him the other day, so don’t act like I’ve been ignoring him.”
“Calling him ain’t enough, Wylie James. He’s been asking for you and bugging the hell out of me. And take off those stupid sunglasses. I feel like I’m talking to a damn robot.”
“I’ll come for him tomorrow. Where is he right now? And why haven’t you put the doors back on that thing? I told you I don’t want him riding around in the Jeep like that. It’s dangerous.”
“You ain’t my daddy. You don’t get to tell me what to do.” She crossed her arms over her chest and lifted her nose in the air.
“Where is he?”
“With his great-grandmamma. He was bugging me so bad that I had to send him for a sleepover.”
“It seems like he spends more time with his great-grandmother than you.”
“Are you criticizing my parenting?”
“Yeah, I am, Nova. I’m criticizing you as a person too. You don’t get to come over here just to start trouble. I told you I had something important to take care of. The world doesn’t revolve around you.”
“Is that her? Your important thing?” Nova motioned to the truck where Cass sat. “That’s the one you just about lost your mind over? Isn’t it?” She looked at Cass, and even from a distance, Cass knew she was being scrutinized. “Well, she’s skinny. Looks like a chicken that ain’t fit for Sunday dinner.”
“Good-bye, Nova.” He walked away from her. “I’ll get Teo right from his great-grandmother’s house after school. I wouldn’t want you to lose any of your beauty sleep.”
“Wait! You aren’t going to introduce me?”
He got back in the truck, slamming the door. He started the car and drove onto the grass and sped down the road, not waiting for Nova to move her Jeep.
“Spoiled, jealous pain in the ass,” Wylie spat.
Cass sat silent. Her head spun. But she shouldn’t be surprised. She had gotten married. If things had gone differently, she would have been a mother by now. Her life had moved on. It only made sense Wylie’s would too. It made sense for him to have a son.
Chapter 6
Cassandra sat in Wylie’s bed later that night, watching him run a comb through his wet hair. He was shirtless again, dressed only in a pair of gray boxer briefs, his skin still damp from his recent shower. This was her fourth night here. Her fourth night sharing a bed with him. Her fourth night sharing a bed with a man who was not her husband. That thought struck her. A little over a year ago she couldn’t envision a world without Terrance. A year ago she would have never thought about sharing a bed with another man, especially the first man she had shared a bed with.
Any moment now, Wylie James was going to crawl into bed next to her, and would spend the night sleeping beside her. She would feel him next to her and smell his scent and be comforted by his warmth. He would be there when she was trapped inside her bad dreams. He would be there in the morning.
He would be there.
She wouldn’t be alone.
But she knew infringing on Wylie’s life was wrong. She was going to have to leave him soon.
“You did good today, Cass,” he said as he crawled in beside her. “At the store, I mean.”
“Thank you, Wylie, but I just pushed the cart.”
“I know, but you did better than me my first time back.”
She looked at him, only to see pain cross his face.
“For years I was deployed. Afghanistan, Iraq, even did a stint in Guam, but I lived on bases mostly in war zones. I’m a Marine. I’ll die a Marine. I never thought I would return to civilian life. I didn’t think I would ever adjust.”
“Why did you leave?”
“My unit was hit with a rocket attack when we were on patrol in Iraq. Most of them died. My commander was injured so bad I couldn’t recognize him. My friend Cooper suffered head trauma so bad he couldn’t remember who he was.”
“And you?” She felt her heart in her throat, those same feelings coming back that she had ten years ago when she first learned that he was enlisting.
“Not a scratch. I got caught up talking to a local kid and was far away enough that I didn’t get hurt. I was messed up after the attack. I couldn’t walk down the damn street without expecting an explosion. I couldn’t see fire without thinking of all the men we lost that day. But despite that, I loved serving. I’m proud to be a Marine. I just realized that I didn’t want to die not having led a normal life. I didn’t want to die without owning a home and raising a family. I was on my fourth tour. I had come close to death more times than I can count. I knew it was only a matter of time.”
She nodded, sorry that they had lost touch for so long. She knew Terrance had thought about Wylie often. He would have been so worried about his friend. “Nova is very beautiful. I’m sure she must have delivered a beautiful baby.”
He frowned at her in confusion. “I guess. If you can look past her personality.”
“You must have found something good in her if you spent time with her.”
“Yeah, she cusses better than any truck driver I know and she fights more efficiently than most men in the armed services.”
It wasn’t exactly bitterness in his voice when he spoke of her. No pain either, only frustration. Annoyance. It told Cassandra that Wylie didn’t still love this woman, and for some reason that made her feel better. She couldn’t get the fiery Nova out of her mind since she confronted Wylie that day. Wylie had met somebody beautiful. Wylie had fallen in love. Wylie had made a baby.
“I’m sorry I’ve taken you away from your obligations. I’m going to call my aunt in California. Maybe I can stay with her. I don’t think I can go home yet.”
He shook his head firmly. “You’re not leaving here, Cass. Not yet.”
His jaw was set stubbornly. Her easygoing Wylie rarely dug his heels in, but she knew that when he did, he was serious. She felt guilty enough she couldn’t let him choose her over his son. “But what about . . . your work? What about the little boy? I’m getting in the way.”
“I’m heading back to work tomorrow. I’ll see Teo then. You’re not leaving. Do you realize how bad you were? How bad you still are? I can’t let you go again.”
“I’ll be okay.” Those were her words, but even to her ears they didn’t sound believable. “I don’t want to make things tougher between you and Nova.” She believed that. She had come between him and Terrance. She never wanted to come between him and another person again.
“Things are always going to be tough between me and Nova. You staying here is not going to make a damn bit of difference.”
“What about your son, Wylie James? I never thought you would put anybody ahead of your own child. Especially me. I’m the last person who deserves to come ahead of anybody.”
“What?” He looked bewildered. “You think Teo is my son? You think me and Nova . . .” He looked horrified. “Nova is my sister. I’m not anybody’s father yet.”
*
* *
He had decided to take Cass to work with him. The thought of leaving her alone even for just a few hours didn’t sit well with him. On the surface she seemed to be getting better. She was getting out of bed. She was eating without prompting, but she was still so detached from the world. He could still see the heavy sadness that covered her like a blanket. And he knew when she stared off into space that it wasn’t happy thoughts filling her head.
He thought it best to show her his world, the little community that had become his family, even though he wanted to keep her to himself, in their safe, quiet bubble. But that wasn’t what was best for her. She needed to see that there was life outside Harmony Falls.
“Nova and I don’t have the same father,” he said to her as he drove to his work site the next morning. “My mom took off long before Nova was even thought of. That’s why I never told you about her. I’d only met her a couple times before I moved to Harmony Falls.”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me.” She looked at him for a moment before turning to look out the window.
“I do. You thought I was a father. You found out I had a sister last night and all you did was roll over and go to sleep.”
She blinked at him, remaining silent for so long that he thought she wasn’t going to say anything. “I was pregnant, Wylie, when that bastard shot me in the stomach. I really wanted that baby, more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my whole life. You want to know what I was thinking? I was glad when you told me that you had a nephew and not a son, because I don’t think I could have taken seeing you love a baby you made with another woman when mine was taken from me.” She turned away from him, looking out the window to the beauty of Aquinnah. “It’s an ugly, bad thought that I had. I couldn’t be happy for you. I didn’t want to be happy for you. So you don’t owe me anything. Not an explanation. Not your time. Not anything.”
He pulled off the road suddenly, his tires kicking up the dust and rocks, making it so cloudy he couldn’t see the world outside his truck. “You think you’re the only one full of hateful thoughts? When I heard that you had accepted Terrance’s proposal six months after I left, I hated you for it. I wished he had cheated on you. I wished that you would grow to hate each other. I wished that lightning had struck the church you were going to get married in. I wished you had failed.” He gripped her face and pulled her closer so that his lips were just brushing hers. “He was one-half of me and you were the other. You were my family and I didn’t want to be happy for you. I couldn’t be happy for you. So I do owe you.”