by Sara Marion
“Please, Duke, just open them!”
Duke opened his eyes. Darkness surrounded him but his heart was still racing. He took a deep breath as he tried to focus on his surroundings. His dream was too intense. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had a dream that felt so real. He could still feel her touch on his cheek. His dream was so real and vivid, but he knew Ella was gone. She’d been gone for two years. He was torturing himself and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. Rolling out of bed, he knew he needed to wash away the dreams, the night sweats. He headed towards the shower, noting the time. It was 5:30 in the morning.
He stepped under the hot water flowing out of the showerhead. He just stood there, trying to clear his head. Closing his eyes, he concentrated on the water flowing over his muscles. He put one hand on the wall and leaned forward. He let the water run over his back.
Duke. His head shot up as a quiet voice filled his head. Looking through the steam, Ella vaguely appeared.
“What do you want from me?” he pleaded.
She stood there staring at him. A vague smile on her lips. Open your eyes. I’m here.
Duke didn’t understand. How could she be there? He buried her two years ago. Anger started to boil within him. He just couldn’t understand what his wife was doing to him. “What? Why do you torture me like this Ella? I love you, I miss you every single day, why do you do this to me?”
She reached out and pressed her hand against the glass before disappearing. He saw the handprint with jagged scar that was under her left thumb, left behind on the glass door. Duke let out a growl of frustration, “What did I do to deserve this hell? Huh? Ella, why are you just appearing now?”
He fell to his knees in the shower and just let the tears roll. He had given up. Ella was breaking him. For the first time, he felt like a completely broken, irreparable man. There was no way to pick up the pieces of his life. As hard as he tried, the pieces of his heart, his soul, were splintered around him. He felt so fragmented that there was no way to repair himself, not unless someone granted him a miracle.
***
Duke found himself walking into Dr. Keeler’s office. He called after he had managed to get himself out of the shower this morning. Picking up the receiver he knew he hit rock bottom. Paxton was right, he needed to talk to someone. Dr. Keeler took him in as an emergency. He was thankful for the early afternoon appointment.
“So Duke, I was surprised to hear from you after all this time.”
Duke sat on the couch opposite of her. He stared at her, formulating a response for her. “I don’t know what is going on with me.”
“You said on the phone this had something to do with your late wife, Ella. As you know, I know about the accident as I worked with Paxton. So I know how it happened and that Paxton told you about it. From what I understood, you were handling it quite well.”
“I was and then her two year anniversary came up,” Duke shied away from expanding on that right now. He pulled his left ankle up to rest on his right knee. His foot then began to fidget.
“What happened that day?”
“I found out that I was going to be a father,” he paused waiting for her reaction. She didn’t blink, she didn’t react. She was waiting for more clarification. “Ella was pregnant when she died.” Again, no reaction from Dr. Keeler. Duke wondered if Paxton had confided in Dr. Keeler about her secret.
“I see. How did you find this out?”
“Paxton.” Duke saw her shift in her seat as he let Paxton’s name slip past his lips. “I suppose you may have known that though. Right, doc?”
“I did. She told me and I encouraged her to tell you as soon as she divulged the information to me.”
“I get it. I can see now why she wanted to keep it from me. I mean look where I am,” he looked around the office. “No offense though.”
“None taken. So is this what brought you in? The secret of your baby?”
“No it’s not, well not really,” he paused. He knew this next part would probably send him to the looney bin. “Ella, I see her. I’ve seen her over the last month or so. Just appearing, then disappearing, never saying anything. My dreams, they haunt me. She’s in them. Then last night she started talking to me.”
“Was there anything repetitive going on when she showed up? Was there a certain trigger for you?”
“She shows up in various places, times. Usually if I am with a woman.”
“With a woman intimately?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think its guilt? Like you are going to move on and forget her?”
“No. I’ve been intimate with one woman, for a while, but then a few weeks ago, Ella started appearing.”
“What changed a few weeks ago?”
“Well I got hit in the head by a baseball at a game, I also met someone who can almost be the spitting image of Ella. Her voice, I swear if I close my eyes, Ella was standing in front of me.” He closed his eyes, conjuring up a picture of Jennah. “This woman can give anyone a run for their money. She could pass as a relative for Ella,” he opened his eyes back up and stared at Dr. Keeler.
“Have you had a doctor rule out that these hallucinations aren’t due to your head injury?”
“Yes,” Duke sighed. “I was hoping it would just be that. Every time I see Ella…a piece of me breaks. I just want her to go away. I mean, not the memories, just seeing her.”
“I see,” Dr. Keeler wrote something on her pad of paper. Duke wondered what it was.
“Do you think that this has something to do with Ella’s look-a-like? Like this woman is stirring up feelings because she reminds you of Ella?”
“Possibly. I mean, I feel a pull towards her. I’m attracted to her but I think it’s because of Ella. She makes it possible for me to see Ella.”
“Hmm,” she scribbled something else down. “Maybe you should keep your distance from this woman.”
“I try but we always run into each other. The other strange thing is Ella doesn’t appear when she’s around. I mean mentally she does, but I don’t see her. I did when I was with Paxton and once with Lexi, but never Jennah.”
“I thought Paxton was with Jack now, that they were back together?”
“They are, it’s complicated. I was initially angry with Paxton, cutting her out of my life. It wasn’t fair to Jack so I was trying to move on and forgive her. I realized that I still have feelings for her and I made a move on her, one she didn’t deny. That sent me into another tailspin because she chose Jack, so why would she give into me?”
“So you are struggling with mixed feelings for Paxton, plus this other woman you are still seeing, then there is Ella’s look-a-like. Are you still teaching?”
“Yea, I am but finals are this upcoming week. I’m not doing summer school this year so I’m about to have a nice long break.”
“Good. I think maybe stress has something to do with this. How are you sleeping? You said you dream of Ella, are they peaceful dreams or do they border on nightmares?”
“Beautiful nightmares,” Dukes voice was soft. “Last night I had a dream that she was here in front of me. She was well into her pregnancy. She was telling me to open my eyes. I wanted to open them because I knew I was dreaming, but at the same time, I wanted to stay in the dream, be with her.”
“How many hours of sleep have you been averaging?”
“Four to five.”
“Okay. I want you to get some melatonin. It will help you sleep. If that doesn’t work, I can get you something stronger. Now I want to back track a bit. You said you found out about the baby. How did you handle that?”
“Not well, I felt like I lost Ella all over again. I was angry and I went on auto-pilot.”
“I think some of that is because from what Paxton said, you always wanted to be a father. The loss must have hit you hard.”
“My future died with Ella. My family,” Duke felt his emotions build up. “I became fractured that day. I didn’t realize how fractured I was until today. Ella a
nd Paxton have completely broken me. How that’s possible, I’m not sure, but I don’t think I can break any further. I think all the pieces are as tiny and lost as they can get.”
“No one can get so broken they can’t repair themselves. You reached out to me. This is the first step. It can only get better from here.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
“That’s just your broken side talking. We are going to get you through this. I promise,” she smiled. Duke gave a small smile. She made him feel better about his situation. She didn’t think he was crazy, just stressed. Maybe he just needed to focus on himself, get himself better.
A buzzer went off. He didn’t realize she set a timer. “So what should I do?”
“Well, let’s meet again if you feel like you need to. What I want you to do it get through finals week, then take a vacation. Focus on you and your grief. Lean on any family and friends. They understand. Try taking some melatonin to help you sleep. Sleep does wonders for the mind and body.”
“Thanks,” he stood up and shook her hand. He didn’t know how well he could unwind, but maybe a vacation was in order. Summer break was coming up. He could go fishing with Jack or Drew. He would ask around and see what’s going on around town. Memorial weekend would be here right after finals, maybe he could just go camping.
He left the office feeling slightly better than he did earlier. He didn’t feel quite as tormented but he had a feeling that this was just the beginning.
NINETEEN
Duke sighed as the final bell rang. Finals week was over and he was about two days away from being on summer vacation. He had a couple in-service days to wrap up the year. He smiled and said his goodbyes to the students as they filed out of his classroom.
Once the students were gone, he propped open his door and sat back at his desk. He wanted to start boxing away things from this year, organizing and finish grading the last of his essay finals. Final grades were due on Monday and he had some he still had to enter in.
A knock sounded and Duke turned his head. He smiled seeing Drew fill the frame.
“Please tell me that you aren’t working when summer vacation just started.”
Duke chuckled as he stood and hugged his friend. “Just wasting time. What are you doing here?”
“Drake and I thought it would be good for all of us guys to get together tonight and get silly.”
“What guys?”
“Drake, Sage, me, you, and possibly Jack. He wants to come but if you don’t want him there he was going to bow out. He said you two have been friendly but he knows that you aren’t back to where you used to be.”
Duke felt like an ass. Jack didn’t know about Paxton’s extracurricular activities. They hadn’t seen each other since the night Jack interrupted them kissing and about to take it further, but he figured that was because she didn’t want anything to happen that would ruin anything she had with Jack. Duke was still thankful Jack didn’t see them actually kissing that night. “Jack can come, I think we need this night.”
“I think you need this night more than any of us,” Drew replied.
Duke nodded as he gathered his things, “This all can wait until Monday anyways.” He grabbed the stack of ungraded essays and put it in his folder that he always took home.
“So we were thinking of meeting up at someone’s place and heading out in a taxi from there.”
“We can meet at mine since Jack should be there unless he is with Pax at the cabin,” he stood. “Maybe meet up at 8:30, pre-drink and then head out around 9ish?”
“Sounds good. I’ll let the boys know.”
Duke smiled as they fell into easy conversations as he locked up his classroom. Walking out, he felt like tonight may be the start of what he needed to decompress. Maybe Drew was right, he needed this night. He needed to have a sense of stability in his life. He needed to get out of his house and start living again. He was able to do it once after Ella, he should be able to do it again.
***
Duke climbed out of the cab. He stretched as he was waiting for the others to get out. They were standing in front of Athens. He looked over at Jack who hadn’t said much to him. They were carefully keeping their distance from each other, like they were each feeling each other out to see where they really stood in their friendship. He was sure Jack would beat the living shit out of him if he knew that he was making moves on Paxton.
“Let’s get this boys,” Drake said as they headed towards the door of Athens.
Once inside, they went to the usual tables in the back by the dance floor. Setting their stuff down, Lexi came by. Duke smiled as she approached. “Well isn’t this a surprise. I haven’t seen all of you in here for awhile.”
“Yeah, we finally were able to drag Duke out for a good ol’ boys night,” Drew laughed.
“Hey, I’ve come out before. It hasn’t been that long.”
Lexi laughed, she knew exactly how long it had been since he last went out. “What do you all want to drink?”
They all looked at each other. “Let’s start with two pitchers of Guinness,” Jack threw down his card. “Start me a tab and whatever the guys want, my treat.”
“Whoa, slow down there big spender,” Drake laughed. “Don’t think you can get us drunk and take us home.”
“You would only be so lucky,” Jack chuckled.
Duke realized that maybe this night would actually be fun. Jack was genuinely trying at making this work. Duke needed to do the same. He needed to find time to talk to Jack one-on-one. Maybe not tonight, but they needed to clear the air, well as clear as it can get without confessing what he was really feeling about Paxton.
“Anything else?” Lexi looked around at the group. Everyone shook their heads.
“If Jack’s paying that’s good enough for now,” Sage smiled. He patted Jack on the back silently telling him he might regret his decision to open a tab up for everyone.
“Alright, be back soon. Have fun boys,” she winked at Duke and walked off to get their drinks put in.
“So Duke, you takin’ her home tonight?” Sage elbowed him.
“Not sure, we will see where the night goes.”
“Riiight,” he winked.
“We are casual. Besides, she may already have plans and this is a boy’s night. Let’s just get drunk and have fun while we can, we are getting pretty old to be doing this,” Duke smiled. Everyone started laughing and nodding their heads.
Lexi came back a short time later with two pitchers and glasses for everyone. She hung out for a few moments, joking with everyone. Duke saw her give him the knowing smile she put on when she wanted to meet later. He smiled, knowing that it was a possibility if he wanted it to be. He shrugged his shoulders before she walked off.
They started in on the pitchers while laughing and talking. Duke hadn’t felt this free in a long time. It felt like old times. They were finishing their second set of pitchers when they decided to hit the dance floor. Drew and Drake had their eyes on some ladies out dancing their night away and the boys were ready to make their move. Duke could only laugh at them. He knew more than likely the group would start breaking up slowly as the guys found their hook ups. Jack and Sage however had ladies waiting on them at home, so they hung back with Duke as far as scouting girls out goes. Nobody said they couldn’t dance with other ladies, but their agendas were different. Duke knew Lexi would be there for him later, so there was no point in scoping out the scene for a hook up. He only a dance partner.
Duke found a girl that was out with her friends, a bachelorette party. The bride-to-be was quite trashed by that point and so the guys just had a good time dancing with her as she enjoyed her last night of freedom. Duke noticed her friends weren’t too bad looking either. As he was dancing with one of them, his thoughts halted as he found himself smiling and having a good time. It was the first time he was enjoying himself without someone reminding him of Ella. It was nice and so was his dance partner. She seemed to be into Duke and Duke liked that feeling
even though she looked a little younger, probably late twenties. He had to admit being in his thirties and out partying like this would have to end sometime. In fact, he and the boys had started slowing down a bit. Tonight though, they were acting like they were in their twenties again. Some of them out on the prowl and others just enjoying themselves, knowing they had someone to go home to.
“Wanna get out of here later?” his dance partner interrupted his thoughts.
“Not a good idea sweetheart.”
“Married or taken?” Duke could sense her disappointment.
“Neither, just hanging with my boys tonight.”
She seemed to have taken that as a challenge. She scooted closer on the dance floor and pressed up against him. He sighed as he looked up. His body was responding to him. Hormones are hormones, he’s a man and he just can’t walk away from a body like this. He looked across the dance floor trying to reel himself in when he saw Jennah. He stepped back from the woman pressed against him and stared at Jennah in her skimpy outfit.
The nights were getting warmer and girl’s outfits were getting shorter and more revealing, but what Jennah had on made the temperature in the room increase tenfold. She turned and spotted him, smiling. She continued dancing with her friends. Duke couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She unknowingly was pulling him towards her, Paxton and Ella quickly fading from his thoughts. Images of him peeling off that short, black mini dress and leaving those leopard print heels on clouded his mind. That outfit would be at the center of any sane man’s fantasy.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” the girl he was dancing with asked.
“Nothing. I think it’s time for me to take a break,” he turned away before she could answer.
Duke headed back towards the table. He flagged down Lexi and ordered a crown and coke. He needed something a little stronger to keep the images of Jennah against him at bay. He was now scared that Ella might show up. It seemed like she always did when Duke was thinking about another woman.
“You okay?” Jack sat down by him. He had a look of concern on his face. “I saw that waitress friend of yours out there.”