I couldn't speak because if I tried I would dissolve into a fit of embarrassing tears. Eve seemed to understand because she squeezed my wrist in a silent show of support. I left the room and saw Johan leaning against the wall. I had no choice but to walk past him, so I squared my shoulders, lifted my bag up, and headed past him. He reached out and caught my wrist. I fixed him with a cold stare.
“Piss off, Johan, I’ve had enough. I’m bored of this. Leave me alone.” I tamped down my guilt at his devastated expression. I walked away regretting my words and clinging to the memory of his lips on mine.
***
I left my hair loose, I really couldn't be arsed to mess about styling it, I simply ran the straightners through it and left it. Darren hated my hair down but I really wasn’t in the mood to listen to his whining. He said we were going out for dinner to a restaurant so I knew that meant his usual favourite Italian in the city. It took us thirty minutes to get there, service was shockingly slow, and by the time I would get to eat anything I’d be ravenous. As usual, I sneaked a little pre-meal snack .
I decided to put on my black long-sleeved jersey dress; it’s a little low cut in the front showing way too much cleavage, but I’m hoping that will distract him from noticing my stomach. My silver ballet pumps look super cute, seeing as my feet hurt in heels. I’m going to put my silver shawl on just in case it gets a little chilly.
When the doorbell rang downstairs I inhaled a deep breath and took one last look at my reflection. Even to my own eyes, I look pretty down in the dumps. I’ve felt like this since returning from the hospital. I haven’t seen Johan because I’ve stayed up here in my room like some moody teenager. I know he’s home because I heard him return an hour or so after me.
“Lou, baby, are you ready?” Darren called from the bottom of the stairs.
“Just a sec.” I pulled my shoulders back and willed myself to get it together. “Okay, Lou, you can do this, there is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. So you kissed Johan, it was a momentary blip, a hormonal eclipse. It’s absolutely nothing to worry about. It has nothing to do with what tonight is about,” I muttered, yeah if only that were true.
Who was I trying to kid? Since I’d kissed him, no! Before that, every time I touched him or he touched me I felt my body burst into flames. Kissing him, feeling his firm but gentle lips against mine, I couldn't breathe, I’ve never felt like that, never experienced a heat like that. And I’ve never felt so hurt and rejected by his words after the fact. So tonight I was seeking refuge from my guilt, I was ending this conflict once and for all, and by having dinner with Darren I ambled to take steps in fixing it all.
I hated myself for taking that drama to Eve today. She was in the hospital after her dickhead ex-boyfriend beat the living daylights out of her, and I went in there with a teenage fucking crush and took over the room.
“Lou!” Darren shouted again, agitation clear in his voice. So he can wait near an hour to be served his bloody food but couldn't wait for his...for me. Typical!
I grabbed my shawl and headed down the stairs; I tried and failed not to look in the lounge at Johan sitting there with his Kindle. He had one ankle resting on the knee of his other foot, he had a beer in one hand and his Kindle in the other. The only visible sign he was even slightly bothered by my going out was the nervous bounce of his knee. Over the past few weeks I had learnt he did that when he was upset.
“At last, you’re ready.” Darren huffed. He looked me up and down. “That dress is a little...tight isn’t it?”
I looked down. “It’s supposed to be.”
“You look pregnant.”
“Newsflash, I am pregnant.”
“No need to flaunt it though, is there?” he muttered, turning to walk out the door.
“Lou?” Johan called out.
“Jesus, Lou we have to go,” Darren snapped. I scowled at him and held my finger up. He lifted his hands and let them fall impatiently. “Hurry up, I’ll wait in the car.”
I turned to look at the empty doorway of the lounge.
“I have to go, I’ll probably be late so don’t put the—”
“Wait!” he called urgently and then he was there filling the doorway. He scanned the hall for Darren, then stepped towards me. “You look stunning,” he said quietly, looking me up and down. I swallowed because when he said things in that voice I wanted to cry, jump him, and hide all in an instant.
“Thank you.” God, why did I sound so breathless?
“I like it when you leave your hair down,” he said before closing the distance between us. I glanced at the door and lifted my hand and pointed.
“I have to go.”
“Don’t,” he whispered. “Don’t go.”
“Johan.”
“Please stay here with me. You don’t want him, you want me.”
I lied and shook my head, my heart hammering in my chest.
“Lou, look at me.”
I shook my head and stared at the closed front door. “I have to—”
“No, you can stay. Choose to stay here with me. Choose me, Lou.”
A tear slid down my cheek and I swiped at it angrily. “I chose you earlier, you pushed me away.”
He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me against his chest.
“No, I...it’s not...you startled me, I’m not used to that. I’ve never—”
“You’ve never had payment in kind, I know. Well, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I put that out there. I’m sorry I betrayed Darren and I’m sorry I repulsed you. But this pity shit is not working, I don’t need you feeling sorry for me, I don’t need you paying me complements because he doesn’t give a shit.”
“You’re crazy.” He cupped my face and crashed his mouth to mine. My body exploded in an overwhelming array of tingling burning. My hands shook as I gripped and pushed at his shirt. It was a mind-blowing push and pull.
“Don’t go.” He pleaded with me, peppering deliciously wet kisses along my jaw, my cheeks, my nose; with each kiss his voice turned more anxious. “Don’t go.”
More tears tracked down my cheeks. I held his face in my hands and stared into his beautiful blue eyes. “I have to,” I whispered, my heart crumbling when I saw the desolation in his eyes. I pushed at his chest and walked away. He held onto the very last thread of my shawl before I tugged it away and exited the house.
I opened the door to Darren’s car and sat in his pristine leather seat knowing my decision was made. I had made a choice and I needed to follow through with it.
“What took you so long?” he huffed, putting the car in gear and moving the car slowly onto the road. When did he become such a pretentious arsehole? “Lou?”
I turned my head slowly to look at him, his sandy blond hair gelled back in an immaculate style, his blue striped shirt carefully ironed, his jaw shaven with precision smoothness. His irritated, muddy-green gaze broke the final thread between us.
“I kissed Johan,” I said, feeling the sound on my tongue. “I kissed Johan,” I repeated quietly.
“What?” He laughed in disbelief.
“Three days ago when Eve woke up I came to my house to tell him. He had a blonde with him. And I hated her on sight because she was with him. Then he explained she was helping him decorate.”
“Is that what they call it these days.” He chuckled.
I ignored him and continued. “He’d decorated and bought the most beautiful things for my baby’s nursery. He had spent time picking stuff out to make it perfect for us. And I kissed him.”
“To thank him, that’s fine. No big deal.” He patted my leg and returned it to the wheel.
“Darren, let me simplify this for you. I had my tongue down his throat, and had he wanted to we’d have had sex in the hallway.”
“Because he decorated you a nursery?”
“Are you fucking insane?” I snapped.
“What?”
“I’ve just told you I snogged another man and would have done more and you sit there like I’ve jus
t told you they’ve cancelled the scheduling of Eastenders.”
“But you didn’t.”
“And it doesn’t bother you?” I asked incredulously. This was the most bizarre conversation ever.
“It’s just a kiss. Is the baby his?” he asked hopefully.
“Argh!” I screamed. “Do you know what? Take me to the hospital, I’m done with this conversation. I want to see Eve.”
“We have a reservation.”
“Go yourself. I’m going to visit my sister. If you don’t want to take me, stop here and I’ll walk.”
“You’re being irrational.”
“Yep, that’s me.”
“I’ll take you to see your sister,” he said irritably. “You need to sort these mood swings out, Lou, Christ. I don’t know where I am with you.”
“Where you are, Darren, is dumped. We are no more. God, you don’t even realise how much you’ve hurt me, do you? I’ve had enough, I’m not doing this pathetic game of holding onto scraps when I deserve a full-course meal.”
He opened his mouth to protest but I held up my hand to silence him; I was done being his dirty little secret. He didn't want this baby, so I didn't want him. Enough was enough.
***
I walked down the corridor, hating the eerily quietness of the hospital, the sterile smell and rhythmic beeps of the monitors. Why did such a healing place always feel so creepy when deserted?
I slowly entered Eve’s room, peeking around the door hoping not to wake her. She was sitting up in her bed, with her head resting back on the pillow, facing Dominic. She was gently smiling at him as he typed away studiously on his laptop. Tears sprang to my eyes at the contented quiet between them. I watched the scene before me in silent awe. Eve had her hand gently resting on the bed, and every time he paused to read whatever he was typing, he placed his hand on hers. He read through whatever was on the screen then lifted her hand and gently kissed the back of it and placed it back on the bed. I smiled at the tender moment and walked farther into the room. Eve turned her head slowly and Dominic lifted his eyes to look over the top of his glasses.
“Hi,” I said, waving feebly.
Eve shifted on the bed. Dominic frowned then beamed when his eyesight gave him a clear visual of their visitor.
“What are you doing here this late?” Eve held out her hand to me. I walked over to her, stopping just to the side of her, and glanced at Dominic. He cleared his throat and closed his laptop.
“I think I need a break and a coffee. Babe, do you want anything while I’m down there?” She shook her head but her eyes remained fixed on me. I forced everything in my body to battle against the tears behind my eyes. I laced my fingers in front of me and crossed my legs at the ankles.
“Lou, do you—” He paused and titled his head to the side. “You okay?”
I nodded and offered him a weak smile, even I knew it didn't come across very well.
“Right, well, I’ll leave you two to catch up.” He leaned over the bed and kissed Eve on the mouth. “If you need me I have my mobile,” he added in a low whisper before pressing another gentle kiss to her lips. I bit down, willing my tears to stay at bay.
He quietly left the room and Eve’s attention focused solely on me. She didn't say anything, just watched me.
“He loves you so much,” I said, my voice rich with emotion.
She smiled at the closed door, then looked back at me. “Tell me why you’re here. Not that I don’t enjoy seeing you, but I think you look a little too gorgeous to be visiting little old me.”
“I just missed you,” I said. She frowned at my lie.
“Tell me why you’re here, Lou,” She lifted her eyebrows at me.
“I just...” I paused to clear my throat.
“Tell me.” she spoke so gently, my battle with the tears was over, I lost tremendously. I covered my face as a wave of suppressed hurt came flooding forward and I sobbed, loudly and messily. I felt her fingers pulling at the fabric of my dress; when she had enough in her reach she tugged me closer to the bed. I lifted my head to look at her and shrugged my shoulders in an ‘I’m pathetic, sorry’ move. She held out her arm that was in a cast; I couldn't lean against her free arm because of the multiply stab wounds in her shoulder. I climbed up onto the bed with her and curled into her side, careful not to knock any wires or hurt her. Her cast was hard and abrasive against my side but I didn't care, I needed my sister right now.
We awkwardly cuddled one another as I cried everything out all over her. She gingerly ran her fingers through my hair and whispered soft words to me. I missed her so damn much I started crying all over again. I was a mess of guilt, grief, anger and confusion. I started hiccupping as my tears dried up and my voice grew hoarse with crying.
“You ready to tell me?” she asked gently.
I nodded against her chest. I used to curl up like this when I was a kid and had a bad dream, I also did it when James Denning dumped me at the school disco because Emma Day gave him a packet of skittles; okay, so we were ten years old at the time, but a girl doesn’t forget idiots dumping them.
“Everything is such a mess. I hate being this weak, I hate that I can’t be strong and just stick my chin in the air and say ‘fuck the lot of you’.”
Eve laughed softly.
“I used to be able to, now everything upsets me. Samantha is being a total and utter bitch at work, spreading crap about me. So now I am the whore of frigging Yorkshire. Darren is a dick. And Johan is too bloody perfect.”
Eve sucked in a quick breath and I knew she wasn’t expecting that statement.
“I’ve finished with Darren, for good this time. Even if he decided he wants to be a part of the baby’s life, I can’t...what we were is gone. I’ve lost him, or should I say he lost me.”
“And someone else found you?” she said, running her fingers through my hair.
“It’s not...we haven’t. Pretty much, yeah. I can’t stop thinking about him, Eve.” I inhaled a deep shuddering breath. “It scares me so much, because I thought Darren was the love of my life, but how I feel when Johan is around...I can’t...it makes no sense.”
“Love never does. Our hearts decide who we love, our minds take a little longer to catch up. I’m glad you’ve ended it with Darren, it seemed so out of character for you.”
“What did?”
“Stringing Darren along, back and forth.”
“I wasn’t stringing him along.”
“Lou, when have you ever put up with crap like this from a man? In fact anyone? You’re usually the first to say on yer’ bike lad, if they don’t toe the line. I admire that about you. These past few months it’s like you’ve doubted everything about yourself.”
I burst into another fresh round of tears and Eve pulled me to her, digging the cast into my side.
“I’m sorry, don’t cry, sis, I just...”
“You’re right. I know what you’re saying is true.” I paused, not wanting to voice my fears aloud.
“Go on.”
I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. “I want my baby to have everything I can possibly provide, and I feel like I need to provide two loving parents, that I need to make sure my child has the love of their father, and never feel it was their fault Darren didn't care.”
“Oh, Lou, you can’t...”
“I know it’s stupid.”
“No, not stupid, you’re an anxious expectant mother. Obviously you want to provide a stable home for baby bean, they will have you as their mummy and in no way lacking for love. The only person who will be missing out will be Darren, because he is going to miss out on the perfect little life you are carrying. Auntie Eve and Uncle Dominic will be here to support you. And Johan, if you let him, will make a perfect partner. My biological father didn't want me, Lou, but I in no way feel unloved, Mum and Dad love us all. He may be my stepdad, but I feel just as much loved as you and Ellie. Johan could be that man for baby bean, and the man to show you love.”
I lifted my head to look
at her. “I never think of you as a step-sister.” My father wasn’t her biological dad, and Ellie, our little sister was adopted, but we are as true as any blood-linked family. I love them all.
“That’s all you got from that?” She laughed. “Once you stop denying how you feel, if you let it happen, I think you and Johan could be wonderful together.”
I shook my head at her. “I don’t understand it. We just kind of happened. I don’t even know where it came from. I mean, he’s gorgeous. Like ridiculously bloody sexy, but it’s more than that. He has this gentle side and he makes me feel like...I can’t explain it.” I tilted my head and looked at my sister. “How Dominic looks at you, how he touches you, he lives for you, Eve. I craved that connection with Darren. He’s never looked at me the way Dominic looks at you. I always felt loved, but it wasn’t all consuming like it is between you and Dominic. But I feel if I let Johan in, if I pursued things with him, he would be my Johan to your Dominic. Does that make sense?”
Eve smiled brightly at me and nodded. “Perfect sense.”
“Why though? Why do I get that connection with a man I’ve known for a few months, instead of a man I’ve actually been in a relationship for years with?”
“Have you ever considered that with Darren you’ve been fighting to make it work, to make the pieces of the puzzle fit together? Whereas with Johan it just works and there are only two pieces fitting perfectly together, you and him.”
I eyed her scornfully, then smiled when a tingling sensation spread throughout my chest. She was right, it was easy with Johan. Even with his past demons, we worked. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, I just knew we did.
“So tell me, what exactly has happened?”
“I kissed Johan, he kissed me, I told Darren we kissed, he shrugged it off as being a hormonal glitch, I stormed off, here I am.”
“Christ, talk about teaser trailer.” Eve giggled. “I still can’t believe you kissed Johan, I kind of suspected his feelings towards you. But I didn’t think you were quite there with him.”
Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Page 11