“Ah.”
He closed his eyes as if in pain, his body tense beneath me, his muscles a rigid pallet.
“I’ve never really spoke about this before, not to anyone.” He cleared his throat, never opening his beautiful eyes, remaining blind. It was as if he needed the distance, the security. And for now I would allow that.
“After my mom died I went to live with my grandparents. My dad’s parents.” He let out a ragged sigh and pulled at his hair. I rubbed his chest with my palm and waited.
“My grandpa was a sick, twisted motherfucker, and Ryan protected me.” He laughed but there was zero humour in it. “When I first went to stay with them I was terrified of Ryan because he used to beat on me. He put me in the hospital twice. Broke my arm and I had new bruises every day.”
I gasped loudly.
“Yeah, he was pretty mean. But then the tables turned and he started protecting me. It turned out the beatings were part of him trying to protect me.”
“How do you work that out?” I lifted my head to look at him.
“He wanted someone to take me away, so he thought if he beat me, child protection services would take me away for my safety.”
I frowned and he pressed his finger against the crease between my brows.
“He was doing the right thing, it’s not some misguided worship where I thought he could do no wrong. He truly terrified me, but then once he realised no one was coming to save me, he took on that role. But it didn't work. No one wanted to save me, so he became my friend. He hid me away, tried running away with me. He fought for me and got himself hurt worse than I ever had been, all in an attempt to keep me safe. He was nothing more than a kid himself, but he tried. He tried so fucking hard, Lou.”
“How did your mum die?”
“I watched my father beat her to death.”
“Jesus Christ, Johan!” I gasped and covered my mouth. “How old were you, not that age makes it any better, but I thought you meant you were a kid when you went to your grandparents.”
“I was four years old.”
I let out a loud whimper and buried my face in his neck. I wrapped my arms around his chest and tried to block out the images of a frightened little boy watching such a horror, and losing his mum.
“Lou.” His breath fanned across my hair as he spoke.
My hold on him tightened. “Give me a minute,” I pleaded.
“I have a seriously fucked up past, Lou, and now I bet you’re wishing you never let me kiss you. I warned you I would spoil you.” His resignation pained me.
I lifted my head and pressed my lips against his. He froze, clearly not expecting my reaction. I pulled away fractionally, leaving a minute amount of space between us. “I regret nothing, I’ve never experienced a kiss like that before. And I stand firm by what I said; your past hasn’t spoiled you. It has created a man I desperately need to know. A man I now admire for facing such a horrendous past and coming through it. I watched you with my sisters; you love with everything you have. I’ve witnessed it. A man who is spoiled would not do that. He would lock those feelings down. Is that what the nightmares are about?” I pressed my mouth to his again, needing to feel him.
“No, the horror of watching my mom die wasn’t the worst shit life threw at me,” he said against my mouth. I pecked his lips once more before settling into his side. I traced a pattern on his chest with my finger, needing the contact.
“They don’t happen every night like they did when you stayed with us at my parents house, but they happen pretty frequently.”
“I didn't know. I thought I hid them pretty good. It must have been on nights I fell into a deeper sleep than I normally allow.”
“I lay with you when it happens and then you settle and I go back to bed.”
He lifted his hand and covered his eyes.
“God, I am so sorry, I thought I had a handle on them. But after everything with Eve I just...it all came back. With the sleeping pills I get a bit...I lose focus and it goes to shit. They basically knock me out.”
“The pills I found?” I asked, a little unnerved by that statement.
“Dad suggested I see a psychiatrist when I was a kid but I had issues with being alone with people, or meeting people in general so I refused to go. After a particularly bad episode they called a doctor and she prescribed sleeping pills and some other pills to deal with anxiety. It’s rare for a kid my age to be doped on that shit but I was getting pretty manic at one stage. Mom works, or used to work in that field of mental health, so getting a doctor to prescribe something wasn’t too hard.”
“What caused it?”
“When I went to live with Will and Ane, things were pretty bad, my biological dad was in the penitentiary for killing my mom, I believe so was my grandpa but no one ever spoke of him. After staying with them for a few months and them deciding it was to be permanent, Mama-su and Dad wanted to send me to elementary school. They said I needed to attend school. I freaked out. Like a total psycho I freaked out, I think I scared mama-su. I’d not gone out of the big house in so long I never thought about school but I’d completely missed second grade, first grade I was homeschooled but...I never attended any kind of tutoring or school for second grade.”
“Er...”
Seeing my confusion, he added, “First grade would be what Ellie is in now. I think you guys refer to it as year one or is it reception?”
I shook my head. “Year one.”
“Anyway, I couldn't cope with the idea of going to school so I flipped out and they called a doctor to the house and I was prescribed these pills. They chilled me out but I still couldn't face school. Mama-su explained to me one night that I had developed anthrophobia and agoraphobia. I didn't have a clue what that was, but she explained it in a way that settled me down a little. I knew I was strange for not wanting to go out and meet people.”
I snorted a laugh. “Smooth move for getting out of school if you ask me.” I meant it as a joke but clearly he wasn’t registering humour right now. “I know what agoraphobia is but I haven’t a clue what ant-trap-pop-phobia is.”
He laughed at my ridiculous attempt at the pronunciation. “I’m a freak, Lou. I couldn't go out of the house. I went to the pool and that was it. To me walking down the driveway from the house to the pool was a big fucking deal. But even then I would only go at night. It’s a fear of people, I was afraid of people, especially men. How many people do you know hate the fucking mailman?” He let out a shaky breath.
“Well, I’m not particularly keen on our postman when he brings bills,” I teased. Johan squeezed me, and gentle smile teased the corners of his mouth. “So what happened with school?”
“Ryan came home early from college to talk to me. He said I needed an education, I couldn't be a dumbass. He said I wouldn’t be hurt, that the teachers would be great and I would enjoy all the stuff they did at school. He promised everything would be fine. He said I’d meet friends and have a way to use my big brain.”
I could tell with the utter devastation in his voice that everything was the exact opposite of fine. I snuggled closer to him before I asked the next question.
“What happened at school, Johan?”
His entire body tensed, I saw the firm set of his jaw and disgust settled over his features.
“Dad said he wanted to take me. I'm certain it was because he didn't trust me not to freak out and frighten Ane.” I wanted to cry when I saw the shame on his face. “Mama-su had bought me some new pants and sweater, I had my own lunch and new satchel. I felt pretty good in the car even though I wanted to throw up. He walked me to class, left me at the door, and said I could take it from there, that he had every faith in me to go it alone now.” His jaw quivered and I held my breath because I had a feeling what was coming was going to slay me. He took a deep breath and grasped my hand over his heart. It beat wildly beneath our palms; his body was a quivering ball of nervous energy. “I opened the door and saw a male teacher standing at the front of the class. He had his back to
me at first so I glanced around. There was a cute little girl in front row, she had these little pleats in her hair and smiled and waved at me.
“I smiled back thinking it wouldn’t be too bad, that maybe she would be my friend. Then the teacher turned around and I pissed my pants. Like, literally wet my pants in front of the whole damn class because he was one of the monsters. The bastard knew me and when he came towards me I ran, ran and I didn't stop. I don’t even know where I went. I found a dark place and I climbed inside. I didn't move for days. I cried so hard it hurt, Mama-su, Dad, and Ryan all said I would be safe, they said no one would hurt me, but they had sent me to the one place one of those fuckers could get me. By the time a service man found me I was semi-unconscious. Apparently I’d been missing for five days, I’d climbed inside a storm drain, hid and after so long without food, water or any form of heat I’d passed out. I was severely dehydrated, with onset of hyperthermia; basically I was lucky to be alive. The rumours around town were that I had died in there, and Mama-su gave up eventually correcting everyone. I refused to speak after that, I locked down completely. Even Ryan couldn't get through to me. I felt betrayed.”
“The teacher, you said he was a monster?”
He turned to look at me and my heart stuttered when the look of desperation hit me.
“He was one of them, the monsters that came at night to the boathouse.” His voice emerged as a whisper.
“What was...” I paused and swallowed. “Were you getting beaten by him, like Ryan?”
“No. I was special.”
I let out a soft whimper and curled into him, holding him tight. I knew what that meant. And I didn’t need him to say anything else to confirm it.
“Now you see why I would spoil you. I’m dirty, Lou, they made me dirty.”
I hugged him tightly until my muscles hurt. “No,” I whispered. “You’re perfect.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. A fierce need to fight and protect him rose within me and I clung to him. I wrapped my leg around his and my arms around his torso and clung to him for dear life, I wanted to squeeze the nightmares out of him. I wanted his innocence to be restored, I wanted to rid him of his nightmares and take away every evil heartbreaking thing that had ever happened. I wanted to protect him, protect my Johan.
My Johan.
Bring Him Home!
Chase Dermont Junior III
16 Years Old
Boston Massachusetts
“Will, you have to ask your dad to go to the DoD, or something. I know something’s wrong, Ryan wouldn’t stay away this long without sending word.” I pleaded with my new brother. Ryan had enlisted in the Marines, and even though he was stationed out, he always made sure we had news of him. Even if he was on active duty he would somehow find a way to let us know he was okay. He had been sent overseas after the 9/11 attacks, and this had been the longest he was away from home.
“Jo, there’s shit Dad can do,” Will insisted. “Money don’t work with the DoD.” He plopped down on the couch, staring out at the pool. I had returned to sleeping down here; I felt closer to Ryan when I was here. I felt safer in our place. God, I fucking missed him.
I paced up and down and even though I could see Will tracking my movements I couldn't stop, I felt agitated, the fucking pills weren’t working and regardless of what the psych doctor said, I wasn’t upping the dose. I felt like a stoner as it was. Mama-su and Dad had taken me to see a shrink when I was about ten, when my phobia of going out and especially of people grew to exponential heights. I think they believed I would off myself. I can’t say it didn't cross my mind, because I lived in constant fucking fear of my own shadow. But with help at home from the shrink and the meds, I could go from the house to the pool house without much concern. I had to venture off the land. I’d once made it to the mailbox at the end of the drive, but then I freaked when the mailman caught me unawares. He thought I was some kind of deranged lunatic when I curled into a ball and mumbled shit to myself.
“Jo?” Will called loudly as if he had been trying to get my attention.
“What?”
“You take your pills today?”
“Yes.” I scoffed, pissed that he had to ask.
“Buddy, stop stressing, it’s Ry we’re talking about. Knowing him he’s off banging so many chicks he’s forgotten all about us.” He laughed, but he was nervous, and I knew he didn't believe the shit that just came out of his mouth.
I stared at the house over the lake, the house that featured in my every fucking nightmare.
“Jo?” Will stood up and came to stand beside me. He towered above me. He was so freaking tall, his blond hair curled, falling into his eyes. He had the blond haired, green eyed, pretty boy look, and the girls by all accounts loved it. His girlfriend Marissa teased him constantly about all the girls swooning over him. If he was so inclined he could have a different girl every night, but he was madly in love with Marissa. He’s been seeing her since ninth grade, and no one ever compared to her.
“Jo? Buddy, you’re beginning to scare me.” He gently placed his hand on my shoulder, knowing I still freaked by unwanted physical contact.
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. Tell me what’s going on up here.” He tapped my temple.
“Do you think she knows?” I said, jerking my chin in the direction of the horror house.
He let out a loud sigh as if that’s what he was afraid of. “I don’t know. She wouldn’t offer any info voluntarily.”
I took a deep breath, my hands shaking as I thought about doing what I wanted. “Will, I want you to take me to see her. I need to ask her.”
“Fuck!” he muttered.
“I need to know, Will.”
“Yeah, I know, and I was hoping we would find another way.” He patted me on the shoulder and turned to leave the pool house. “I’m going to go get Dad, he’s coming with us because I can’t deal with your...I’ll just need him...in case. “ I knew what he meant, he couldn't deal with me if I freaked out. “You sure you’ve taken your meds?”
“I swear it.”
“Okay.”
***
“Pull over.” I gasped, grabbing at the handle, holding tightly as I opened the window for some air. I couldn't breathe, there was fuck all air in this damn truck. I was going to vomit. I threw the door open and started coughing up, gasping and coughing.
“Jesus, son, let me take you home,” Dad said, jumping out of the truck. I shook my head and held my hand out to ward him off. An SUV sped by, and I covered my ears, hating the sound vibrating through me.
“Fuck me, we’ve only just pulled out of the drive,” Will called, coming to my side.
“I’m fine,” I argued. My legs felt like jello, I was about to pass out, I couldn't breathe, I needed to breathe.
“You’re as white as a ghost, Jo, we need to go back.”
I shook my head again. “No.”
“Son—”
“I need to know.” It was all I could say before I threw up again.
The world was distorted, everything was louder, noisier, everything buzzed and there were loud disturbing sounds everywhere. It echoed creating a crazy jumbled universe around me. I couldn't pinpoint a specific noise. Everything merged into an incessant droning. My heart beat so wildly I was sure I was having a heart attack.
“Will, give him your sweater. Jo, pull the hood over your head and pull your beanie down over your eyes and ears. Maybe if we take away two of your senses it might calm you.”
I nodded because that had worked once before when I needed to go to the hospital.
I climbed back into the truck. The dark didn't help, my anxiety had peaked and to be honest I don’t think it had anything to do with where I was, it had to do with where I was going. I still hadn’t admitted to Mama-su and Dad what happened with Grandpa. I think Ryan may have said stuff because they never questioned me about it. But they had this weird understanding, like my behaviour was normal when I knew it wasn’t; I’m a freak. A completely fucked up
freak.
The truck drove for approximately fifteen minutes. I counted in my head every bump, pause, and street light. I felt the truck slowing down so I lifted the beanie slightly to peek out and saw the freaking mail box.
Dermont 3678
I lost my shit again, but this time I didn't have time to open the car, I threw up in the backseat. Will cussed but jumped out and ran round to my side and dragged me out to the side of the road. I curled up in a ball and prayed I could do this. God had left me to survive fucking years ago, he gave shit about me, but I still held on. All I needed was for him to give me a break, just once.
“Son, I don’t like this. You aren’t going to be able to face her. You can’t let her see you like this,” Dad said, and I knew who she was. The bitch who let her husband get away with being a little boy’s nightmare.
“I need to.”
“Yeah, son, I know that. But you’re killing yourself here.” He placed his hands on my shoulders, a rare show of comfort, because Dad never touched me. I could see it in his eyes how much it hurt him not to, but after what happened with school in the second grade I could never allow it. See, fucked up!
“I can do it,” I insisted, squaring my shoulders. Ryan had fought for me most of his life. I could go see the bitch to find out if she’s heard anything from my goddamn hero.
I inhaled a deep breath and staggered to my feet. I got back into the truck and gagged at the smell. As they drove down the gravel drive my heart spiked to such a fast rate I thought it would either explode or stop with fatigue.
Dad stopped the truck and turned to face me. I couldn't see his face, because I remember being in this position the first time I ever arrived at this house. Thinking what a huge mansion it was, thinking how great it would be to live here with so many other kids. I silently got out of the truck and without closing the door I walked up the front steps and opened the screen door before knocking.
Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Page 16