I turned when I realised Johan was staring at me, his intense blue eyes watching me, his dark lashes fanning across his cheek each time he blinked; it was royally unfair a man should have lashes that long.
“Do you think we...maybe we could take it slow. See where things go between us?” I hazarded.
“Sure.”
“I don’t think it would be wise to finish one relationship and jump straight into another. I just ask one thing. Well two actually,” I added.
He nodded.
“Don’t hurt me. And don’t hurt baby bean.”
“I won’t,” he promised, and I believed the sincerity in his voice. I threaded my fingers between his and smiled. “Who’d have thought a few months ago this would happen?”
“Oh I knew, I knew the moment you laid eyes on my sexy body you were hot for me. And it wouldn’t—” He didn't finish his sentence because I slapped my hand across his mouth.
“Infuriating, annoying little shit.” I laughed. “If we just see how things go as friends. I don’t want things to completely mess up. You’re Eve’s friend, we live together, I’m pregnant. There are so many factors where it can all go wrong that it scares me. So we start as friends?”
“Okay. But...” He paused and looked at me as if gauging my reaction.
“But what?”
“Can I kiss you?”
“That would be some kind of special friendship.” I laughed, leaning forward to seal the deal with a kiss, but the reaction he had to my words wiped the smile clean from my face. He stood so abruptly I felt a back draft from his movements. He stalked out of the room into the kitchen. I jumped to my feet and followed.
“Johan?”
He stood at the sink, gripping the sides in a white knuckle hold. His body was visibly shaking.
“Johan?”
“I’m fine,” he snapped. But he clearly wasn’t.
I stepped towards him and he almost catapulted himself across the kitchen like a frightened cat. I gawped at him, mouth open, my hands held out to him.
“I don’t know what I just did.” I felt hopeless, especially staring into his terrified gaze.
“Just friends,” he said, shaking his head. “I agree,” he muttered, before running out of the kitchen and leaving the house.
“What the hell just happened?” I asked the empty kitchen.
***
He still hadn’t come home and I was getting scared; I had no clue where he’d gone, who he was with, and whether or not he was okay. I tried his mobile but soon discovered he’d left in on the coffee table in the lounge. I stared at the clock on the mantel. Loudly ticking away the minutes. I’d rang Eve earlier to see if she had seen him, but she said she hadn’t.
His mobile started ringing and I snatched it from the coffee table and answered it.
“Johan?” I panicked.
“Hey there,” said a hesitant female voice.
I pulled the phone away to check the caller I.D; the screen read Mama-su.
“Hi,” I said quietly. “Johan isn’t here.”
“I’m his...I’m Ane.”
“I’m Lou, his housemate,” I said awkwardly because I had no clue if she had any idea who I was.
“Oh.” She gasped, and I could hear the smile in her voice.”I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“I think that’s possibly Eve.” I tried to hide the sadness in my voice.
“No, I’m pretty sure I’m talking about you,” she said happily. I smiled despite my anxiety over Johan. ”You’re Eve’s sister?”
“Yes.”
“You’re pregnant?”
I closed my eyes because I didn't have the energy to deal with another protective mother raging at me because they thought I wanted to trap their son. But then I guess she had no idea things were progressing between us.
“Yes.”
“He’s going to be a big boy, long thighs like my Willem had.”
“Excuse me?”
“The scan photo,” she explained. “Jo emailed it to me. He said it was the most amazing experience of his life. Thank you for that. I rarely hear my son...in fact I’ve never heard him as happy as he was the day he called to tell me about it.”
“Really?” I choked, I couldn't believe he had done that.
She chuckled over the line. “He was amazed by it, and so proud. He’s convinced it’s a little boy. He talks about his little buddy all the time. It’s my first experience of hearing him so freely happy. Jo has...trouble letting people close to him. So when he called about the baby I knew instantly he was mad about you. But I’m a little worried about how hesitant you are.” She let out a long breath.
“It’s not that.” I rubbed my eyes. “We are...close. I have...it’s complicated, but I like how he is about the baby. I’m not hesitant about any of that, because I feel the same. It scares me, but I feel the same. We had a misunderstanding and I don’t know how to fix it.” I hated that my voice quavered.
“Where is he?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted on a cry. I wiped at my eyes, feeling stupid for breaking down to a complete stranger. “Everything was perfect, we were taking steps to be...together. Then I must have said something and he just changed. Like a switch, he just flipped, got up and left. No, he ran, and I haven’t seen him since and I haven’t a clue where he is. I don’t even know where to look.” I covered my mouth when I realised I was openly sobbing.
“You care about my boy?”
I nodded then verbally confirmed it.
“What did you say before he left?”
“Nothing,” I said, exasperated, because I honestly had no clue what I’d done wrong. “I ended my long term relationship with my baby’s real father, because of how I feel about Johan, and things weren’t working out with Darren anyway. But I swear that isn’t why I want to be with Johan, he isn’t some kind of rebound.”
She chuckled. “Go on, Louise.”
“I explained I didn't want to rush anything, I said I wanted to be friends and see where it went. This is important to me and I don’t want to rush something like this and see it fail because...” I took a composing breath. “He isn’t a rebound, I don’t want there to be any doubt in his or my mind we are together because it’s meant to be.” I let out a frustrated breath because I felt an utter fool.
“That’s it?” she asked, and I could hear the accusation in her voice. “Did you try to touch him?” she asked hesitantly. I pulled the phone away from my ear and frowned at it; what a question to ask.
“No. Well, I don’t think so. We were sitting together on the sofa, he holds me all the time, he’s rather tactile anyway and seeing as we’ve kissed I doubt that was the issue.”
“What?” She gasped as if it was a major bloody deal. Then she chuckled softly. “Louise, I have many ways to describe my son, but tactile is one word I would never use. Do you know I can probably count on one hand the times he’s allowed me to hold him. Will, his dad, has never been allowed physical contact with him. He knows the boundaries Jo sets with us. Do you have any idea how hard and heartbreaking it is when your child is in pain, and screaming out terrified? There is nothing can do, you cannot hold them, because if you do you add to that fear.” I swallowed at the desperate emotion in her voice. “Jo doesn’t like to be touched, ever. Do you realise what a rare gift he’s given you?”
“He calls himself a freak all the time.”
She make a disgusted sound down the phone. “That isn’t him, that’s the bigoted idiots from a backwards town who instead of protecting their children, they ignore their pain. My son is no freak, they are, the monsters who broke a magnificent heart.”
“I agree.”
We were both silent for a few moments. Then it hit me.
“I rejected him, well I didn’t really, I just made a joke about us being friends and kissing,” I rambled. “So I wasn’t rejecting him because I would have loved to kiss him again and—” I paused when I heard her quiet chortle. “Why are you laughing at me?”
/> “Honey, I’m not laughing at you. I adore hearing you talk this way about him. Continue please.” Her amusement was loud and clear in her voice.
“That’s it, he asked if he could kiss me, I made a joke about it being some kind of special friendship if I allowed him to and—”
“You said what?” All humour left her voice.
“Well, we’d agreed to be friends, so it was meant as a joke. I would have kissed him, I just thought I’d lighten the mood by—”
“Louise. Honey, you didn't upset him by rejecting him.”
“I didn't reject him, I’d have kissed him,” I argued.
“Sweetheart, I have a strong feeling you would. But you see, he ran because you said ‘special friendship’. It’s a trigger for him.”
“A what?”
“Has he ever explained anything about his past to you? Anything at all?”
“Yes, I think he’s just grazed the surface, but what he has told me makes my blood run cold.”
“It’s a lot more than he’s ever told me, honey. Johan has never spoke to me about what happened to him before he came to us. But his Uncle Ryan—”
“He told me about him.”
“Well, Ryan was his saviour, and one night, Ryan broke down and told me everything that happened to those boys. Louise, I was a psychiatrist for a lot of years, and it makes my stomach churn to think about what they dealt with. ”
I closed my eyes wanting to block it all out.
“His grandpa Chase used to refer to their relationship as a special friendship. Ryan and Johan—his name was Chase then—were his special boys.”
I let out a loud whimper and covered my mouth. I closed my eyes as tears dripped down my cheeks.
“You did nothing wrong, honey, but those words take him to a very bad place. And no matter how much therapy he’s had, say them in a particular context and he struggles to cope with it. He’s gone to a safe place to gain control of himself. Here, it was the pool house, he felt grounded there. When he moved to the UK he struggled to find that safe place, but he copes much better now.”
“What have I done, where will he be? I need to find him. Oh God! What if he...” I sobbed, gripping the phone, holding on tightly to the only connection I had to the man I was pretty sure I had just handed my heart to whether he wanted it or not.
“Have you tried his apartment?”
“But he lives here,” I insisted, confused.
“He owns the building, honey. It confused me at first when he said he was moving in with you girls, but I understand perfectly now. He wanted to be close to you.”
“Where is it?” I asked, feeling stupid that I knew nothing about him. She reeled off an address.
“Eve has a key somewhere,” Ane continued. “He gave it to her when her boyfriend was...it was a safety measure. Can you ask her for the key?”
“How do you know all this?”
“I’m his mom. We talk every afternoon, or evening as it is there. I also know if you admit how you feel about him, his dreams will come true. For months, all I have heard about is a stubborn, feisty, brown-eyed beauty. His words, honey, not mine.”
“I need to find him.”
“One more thing.” She cleared her throat as if suddenly nervous. “Would you allow Will and I to meet the baby when he’s born?”
I covered my mouth in shock. “You would want to?”
“If this goes the way I hope, I definitely want to meet my step-grandson.”
Another sob echoed down the phone at this family’s easy acceptance of my unborn child.
“Go find my boy,” she told me.
I nodded but I couldn't speak.
When I hung up Johan’s phone, I went straight for mine. I had no clue where my sister would hide a key, especially from that sick son of a bitch Elliott. I grabbed my mobile and realised it was a little late to be ringing her. I sent a text hoping beyond hope she was still awake.
Hi sis. U up?
I held my phone between my palms and pressed them against my lips, praying she would text me back. My phone bleeped, someone was listening.
Have u shit bed? U r never up this early!!!!!
I laughed loudly.
I haven’t been to sleep. I sent the text then realised it would be so much easier to just call her.
“Hi, you cheeky cow,” I said when she answered.
She chuckled. “What’s up? Why are you still awake? Nothing’s wrong with the baby is it?”
Oh shit, I hadn’t thought calling her at this time would panic her.
“No, everything is fine. Well, it isn’t fine...but it is with the baby, I mean. I need your help. I need you to tell me where you keep the key to Johan’s flat.”
“What?”
“I think...no, his mum thinks he’s there. I don’t know where he went and I upset him and I need to find him and apologise and make things right because I think...well, I’m almost certain I’m falling for him and I can’t find him. I need to find him Eve. Just to see if he’s okay.” When I gasped for breath the line was silent. “Eve?”
“I’m here...wow! What about Darren?”
“He’s never made me feel the way Johan does. When I’m not with him, I miss him, Eve. I never feel like that with Darren. It’s like I can’t—” I took a deep breath, because I needed to say this aloud to someone. “I can have the shittiest day, like Samantha can be an uber bitch, but all I have to do is walk into the house and hear his voice and it’s as if...”
“Life makes sense again? Being there with him completes you.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, because it scared me to think that. “How did you know?”
“I could be black and blue, broken, and absolutely destroyed. But all I would have to do is take one look at Dominic and it doesn’t seem so bad. The key’s in the inside zipper pocket of my work bag.”
“Thank you.”
“Promise me one thing?”
“Okay.”
“You tell me the full story and let me know when you find him.”
“That’s two things, so can I get away with just letting you know when I find him?” She was silent, so I chuckled. “I’ll take that as a no?”
“Precisely. Now go.”
***
His flat was in a very affluent area of York. I didn't expect it to be quite so far away from our house but the area was beautiful. And the house was a Georgian semi that had clearly been converted into high-end flats. I considered using the buzzer but I thought he’d only ignore it so I used the key and went up to the second floor and found his door. My hands were shaking when I slid the key into the lock.
The place was pitch black, the curtains or blinds were drawn so I could only see a thin sliver of light around the window. I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and finally noticed the faintest light coming from down the hallway under one of the closed doors.
I headed in that direction and stopped in front of the door. I listened, waiting for any sound; I honestly didn't know what I would discover. Finding him under my bed was horrendous and I didn't want to face that again, but I would if I had to. Ordinarily I would just barge in, shout and bitch at him, but after everything he told me I knew that wouldn’t be a good idea. I wasn’t scared of him, I was terrified he’d hurt himself.
I placed my hand around the handle. I took a deep breath and—
I screamed and went into ninja, kung fu, bad-arse mode when the door flew open. Johan screamed louder than I did.
“What the fuck, Lou?” He panted, holding his hand to his chest.
I stood frozen with my dukes held up and my leg raised ready to kick my attacker. I felt like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill but more than likely looked like a Care Bear on the rampage.
He looked me up and down and started laughing. “What are you doing? It’s like Mohamed Ali meets Jackie Chan.”
I went into full assault mode and started slapping at him, hitting wherever I could, tears of relief streaming down my face. Calling him names and cursing
at him, I didn't stop hitting him until he pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.
“Lou, calm down,” he chuckled.
I pressed my face into his naked chest and sobbed with relief, then wrapped my arms around him and clawed at his skin to bring him closer, to feel him, to connect to him. The reprieve washing over me floored me.
“Hey, Lou, what is it?” Amusement edged his voice. I shook my head and tried to bury my face further against him. I desperately needed him in that moment. His woodsy cologne and heated flesh felt like home.
“Lou?” He tried to pull me away from him but I squeezed him tighter. “Lou? You’re scaring me, what is it.”
I started sobbing louder, mixing with mumbled words so I wasn’t sure what he heard or not but I needed it out there. I hadn’t realised how scared of losing him I was.
“I’m sorry for setting off a bad memory for you. I’m so, so, sorry, I never wanted to hurt you. I never want to hurt you ever. I want to be there for you, I need you, I need you in my life, I promise not to be a bitch anymore just don’t leave again. You scared me.”
“Lou.” He cupped my face and tried lifting it but I resisted. “Sunbeam, I need to look at you. Please?”
I lifted my face. I knew with the crying I would look like an extra from a horror movie but I didn't care. His full dimple smile emerged and his eyes crinkled at the corners.
“I missed you too,” he whispered before pressing his lips to mine.
“You scared me.”
“Why?”
I pulled back and glared at him. “Because you freaked out on me and just left and never came back.
“I came here.”
“I know that now, you idiot. I didn't, and I’ve been at home scared shitless. Your mum called and I think I freaked her out, but she now knows you’ve been kissing me. I kind of confessed shit I didn't need to, so she probably thinks I’m some kind of floozie.”
“You talked to Mama-su?” he asked, and I swear he laughed.
“Yeah, she said you talked about me...a lot!”
“I do.”
“Why?”
“Because I think you’re pretty terrific and I can’t stop thinking about you, and Mama-su knows if she brings you into the conversation I stay on the line longer because I can’t resist talking about you. You make me happy. I’ve never felt like this before and honestly it scares me that I’ll lose it all.”
Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Page 20