by S. Ann Cole
You remember me…
How long?
*
Have you known all along and wanted vengeance?
If so, I deserve it.
But Sadie, PLEASE, don’t leave me.
*
I knew you’d run.
Just that I never planned on what I’d do if you did.
I held my hopes too high.
Talk to me, Sadie.
I’m going crazy.
*
Answer my calls.
I need to talk to you.
Call me.
Sinking my teeth down on my lip, I willed myself not to cry. I wasn’t supposed to feel anything for him. I was supposed to hate him. But instead, my body was yearning for him. Longing for him to hold me tight in his arms…
No.
No longer will I allow myself to be deceived into thinking that he wants me. Of course he doesn’t! He’s a fibbing bastard. A disaster, a destroyer, and demon sent by the devil to smash my life from shards to splinters, from splinters to powder.
My fingers trembled as I opened his email.
Sadie,
I know you’re staying by Tevin’s.
Your running away is a transparent message that you don’t want to see or talk to me.
I get it.
After a frantic visit to your apartment this morning, three circles of Tevin’s complex and five trips to GLFH—where my feet wouldn’t allow me to pass the front door—I’ve ceded to the rationality of staying far-off.
I do not want to overwhelm you.
But I also don’t want you to run from me. It was never in my intention to hurt you.
It still isn’t.
You hold my heart captive. The key to my happiness is in your possession.
We need to talk.
Don’t run.
Natalio Nelson
I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. The mantra repeated in my head. On Natalio I would shed no more tears. I’d given him enough to crackle the walls of a dam. No more of my tears shall he gain.
No more.
I do not love him. I should not love him. I do not love him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. No more hurt, no more pain, I could take no more. With an instantaneous loss of appetite, I climbed into bed, closed my eyes and knew not when I fell asleep.
“Sadie.”
Soft hands coaxed me from sleep’s darkness. My eyes opened and met the warm green irises belonging to Kelsy.
“I’ve brought you some soup,” she said softly. I blinked at her. “You must be hungry, Sadie. You came home with a Burger King meal and you haven’t touched it.”
Fisting the blurriness away from my eyes, I sat up. “What time is it?”
“A few minutes before nine. Here, eat something.” She carefully placed the tray on my lap. A red bowl of delectable gumbo. Kelsy was a consummate cook—not at all congruous with her ‘spoiled girl’ personality. But it was a trait she’d inherited from her mother, Mrs. Mitchell, who was master of the kitchens.
The aroma flooded my nostrils and my stomach grumbled in reply. “Thank you, Kels. I’m famished. A cup of espresso was all I had today.” I took a spoonful of the gumbo. As always, preparations by Kelsy’s hands were delicious.
“How was your first day at work?”
“Fun,” I managed a smile. “Geo Lee is all work and no play.”
Kelsy’s green eyes widened in horror. “And that’s fun?”
I laughed, “For me, it was. I was in my zone. I felt like a kid in a candy store.”
“Ah. Well I’m glad you’ve started doing what you love.”
In agreement, I nodded. “So how’s your house hunting coming along?”
“Oh, I forgot to tell you, you’d been so busy with…you know who. I settled on a three bedroom at Esprit. It’s gorgeous, with an amazing sea view. But I’m still not ecstatic about the move.”
Sensing her nagging coming along, I sighed. “I’m sorry I asked; because now you’re gonna start groveling for me to move in with you.”
1
“I want yo—”
I hold up my hand to stop her. “Where’s Tev?”
“Uh, sorting um…some stuff out in the basement.”
I lifted a brow at her weird reply but she ignored it and gazed at me with soft, sympathetic eyes. “Has he called you?”
Oh God, I don’t want to talk about him. “Twenty-five times, plus messages.”
“What did he say?”
“He wants to talk.”
“So, are you gonna to meet him?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want nothing more to do with him, Kels,” I snapped. “I just want to forget about him, make him dead to my mind just like he’d always been. I already have to live with the fact that he got me the job. I wish to talk of him no more.”
“But you—”
“No more, Kelsy,” I clipped. “Now, tell me about your new apartment.”
Ninety minutes later I was back at my apartment, under the notion that Natalio wouldn’t come knocking. He’d said in his email that he’d stay afar and I was trusting that he’d keep his word on that.
Brenda had retired for the night. Thank heavens for that. She had taken on the mannerism of a pest ever since she’d found out about Natalio. Idly, I wondered if all the Nelson brothers were the same. If so, I should warn her to steer clear.
After unpacking my accouterments from my bag, I collapsed supine onto my bed. Despite my three-hour brush-up sleep, I felt extremely tired. And Kelsy’s gumbo was somniferous.
My cell phone buzzed and I held my breath and withdrew it from my pocket. Yep, I thought right, it was from Natalio.
Hi,
I miss you.
The delete option got selected. Almost immediately, another message came in.
You’re back home.
Don’t worry, I won’t come knocking.
But talk to me.
Please.
Seriously? My word, did my life even belong to me? Irritated, I hit the reply:
Oh, please don’t!
Stalker much?
My first thought was to switch my cell phone off, but I really didn’t want to. Because somewhere deep, deep down inside of me—the part that curls and whirls whenever I hear his name, the part that yearns for him—I missed him, too.
A minute later another message came in:
‘I don’t mind at all.
It’s like one of those bad dreams when you can’t wake up.
Looks like you’ve given up. You’ve had enough.
But I want more. No I won’t stop. Cause I just know, you’ll come around. Right?
No, I don’t believe you when you say ‘don’t come around here no more’.
I won’t remind you, you said we wouldn’t be apart.’
Pink
My smile was ear-wide, and then I found myself laughing. Of course he knew I listened only to Pink! As my memories rolled in, I found that there were some good parts to it.
This was his old tactic of getting me to talk to him whenever I was upset with him. He’d send me lines from Pink’s songs if he wasn’t around, and if he was, he’d sing them. How childish, yet it still had the same effect of making me smile. Well, if he thought this old trick would work on me then… he was right, because I couldn’t stop my fingers from hitting the reply button.
‘Left my childhood behind, in roll away bed…
Trying to cover-up the damage and pad out all the bruises.
It’s gonna take a long time to love.
It’s gonna take a lot to hold on.
It’s gonna be a long way to happy.
I’m left in the pieces that you broke me into.
Torn apart, but now I’ve got to keep on rolling like a stone,
Cause it’s gonna be a long, long way to happy.
But don’t worry about regrets or guilt, because I never knew your name.
I just want to thank you, from the bottom o
f my heart, for all the sleepless nights and for tearing me apart.’
Pink.
There, that should tell him. Trust Pink to say it all when you can’t. This is why is I love her music so much. It’s as if all her songs were written for me.
I’m sorry.
Don’t leave me.
I’m sorry, too. But I have to. I replied with Pink:
‘You took my hand, you showed me how.
You promised me you’d be around.
I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me.
You said forever…’
Pink
*
Is this the only way you’ll talk to me?
Tell me your words, Sadie.
Not Pink’s.
Let me hear your voice.
A minute later my cell phone started ringing, Natalio’s name blinking on the screen. I rejected the call, switched off my bedside lamp and snuggled under my duvet. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but at the same time, it’s like I had nothing to say. A whirlwind of confusion had swept me up. My world had been tipped over on its head again. Why did he come back? Why?
Wagging my head at such bemusement, I set my Blackberry on bedside mode with the resolution to entertain Natalio no further. I closed my eyes and tried to block him from my mind. Only I couldn’t, it was an impossible task. Because my body was burning to be next to his. That was the real reason I didn’t want to see him. Because I knew, I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear it. I knew being in his presence would undermine me completely. Just one look at me through those commanding blue eyes and I would cede. Believe whatever bull crap he told me. Melt at his words no matter how meaningless and insensate they were. My body was subservient to him. I would not be able to resist him. Because…
I love him.
It was day number four working at GLFH. Day number four since I’ve last laid eyes on Natalio. He called, he texted, he emailed…repeatedly. All of which I painfully ignored. As he’d promised, he hadn’t come knocking. At times, I wished he had come knocking. But I knew Natalio excelled at self-control, so as much as he wanted to, he wouldn’t.
My thoughts were only of him. The second I open my eyes in the morning to the second sleep takes me away at night. And even then, he’s there in my dreams. Geo Lee did a fine job at keeping my mind occupied at times. So for a few hours a day—sometimes, mercifully so—my mind had respite of his name.
“I think he’s trying to kill us,” Kiwan whispered in my ear. “My God, I’m starving.”
My lips curled in a smile, then we burst into giggles which stopped abruptly when Geo Lee glanced over at us in suspicion from the far end of the room where he was engaged in deep conversation on his phone, chatting at bullet speed about models and runways.
Kiwan was warm and cordial and we worked well together. She wasn’t a fan of elaborate designs and colors like Geo Lee and I, but she had prowess at accessory designing and could easily adjust to any requirements.
My stomach grumbled but I didn’t complain. I was in my element.
“…So I’ll call the crew up for all that we’ve settled on today so they can be initiated first thing in the morning.” Geo Lee sighed at our day’s end. “Another productive day. You two are great. Have a good evening girls.” He looked as tired and exhausted as I felt. Geo Lee was passionate about his work and poured himself wholly into it and I adored him for that. “And remember, we’ll be working late tomorrow.”
The elevator opened on the ground floor and I dragged my tired limbs through the reception area. An undisturbed forty-eight hours of sleep would do me well.
“Miss Francé,” I heard Cara, the receptionist, called to me.
“Yes?”
“A small parcel was left here for you today.”
A parcel? From whom?
Cara reached for a leather manila envelope, the color of aqua and chocolate brown, and held it out to me.
“Who?” I asked.
“A tall African-American guy. He didn’t leave a name,” the awkward, blue-eyed blond informed me.
Smiling politely, though puzzled, I took the parcel. Zealousness met curiosity, and I hastily opened the envelope once I was a few feet away from Cara.
Inside, was a car key—a Mercedes car key—and something resembling a scroll. Upon pulling at the scroll, a picture fell out and fluttered to the ground. I bent to retrieve it and a short sob escaped from me when I saw that it was an old picture of Nelly and I. We were laying forehead to forehead in lush green grass, staring in each other’s eyes and grinning like two fools in love. I remember this day. We were two fools in love.
Oh my god.
Tears brimmed my sockets. With shaky fingers, I unrolled the scroll which was of thick parchment rolled over wooden rods with intricately designed golden end knobs. Wow. The parchment looked and felt expensive. Cursive handwriting flowed down the scroll in bright black ink:
Seven years ago, I fell head first in love with the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.
Her chocolate-brown hair was as long as Rapunzel’s, rippled with curls like the waves of the sea, yet it was as smooth as silk. I enjoyed gazing at my reflection in her bright cognac eyes, and embraced the inexplicable peace that came over me when I did. I’d felt like I was nailed to her. Would have done anything for her. Would swim through lava if she begged me to. Anything at all to see her breathtaking smile framed by the pinkest, bow-shaped lips.
She was the source of my happiness. The reason I smiled. The reason I breathed…
And still, I wasn’t entirely revealing with her. She knew me better than anyone else, but on some level, she didn’t know me at all. To me, it didn’t matter, because my secrets were intently temporal. She would know soon. Because she would be my wife. The mother of my children. The love of my life. I knew because…she promised me.
Still, I had fears. Profound trepidations. Nocturnal daunts. All because I loved her too much. I needed her too much. I thought about her, of only her, too much. And no one should ever need anyone that much. So I feared, every hour, every day, every week, every month, that one day I would lose her.
Until, one night, I did.
It started out as the most precious night of my life. I gloried in her scent, drowned myself in her kisses, lost myself in her warmth, gave myself over to her, flesh and soul…
But then, this night evolved into the worst night of my life. A night so traumatic, I could never forget. One minute, I was buried inside the love of my life and in the next…I was burning in hell.
It was hell because everything was beyond my control. I had no power. And all my prayers of seeing her again went unanswered. I prayed in vain…
Because prayers never get answered in Hell.
I’d made it through purgatory. Was blessed with a chance to have her again. But my love, my love remembered me not. And when she did…she ran.
Because I had hurt her that much.
She loved me no more.
~
Why do I keep losing you?
Why am I always chasing you?
Could it be that we don’t belong?
Am I fighting for something that is not to be? And will never be?
Sadie, I’ve waited and waited. Fought and pleaded. But I can’t force you to want to know what happened.
I know you must have been hurt in ways I can’t even imagine. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve suffered, too. In more ways than one.
I am still suffering.
But the difference with me is this: I’ve never forgotten you. Never even tried to. On the contrary, I’ve fought to keep you alive in my mind. Held the hope that we would be together again. I couldn’t forget you even if I tried. I loved you too much.