by J. L. Perry
“I came to tell you …” I raise an eyebrow when he pauses. I’m waiting. “Look, I’m not sure if I can give you what you need, Indi, but I do know I don’t want to lose you to him.” He flicks his head towards the clinic when he says that. “I don’t want to lose you to anyone for that matter. I know you told me you loved him last night, but does he make you feel what I did when we were together? We had something special. I know you felt it too.”
No he doesn’t, but I’d never admit that out loud. My heart rate picks up. Is he asking me to break it off with Mark, so we can have a relationship? Has he lost his mind? “Had being the operative word here, Carter. I still have no idea what you are trying to say.”
“To be honest, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say,” he chuckles, rubbing his hands over his face in frustration. I feel my lips curve into a smile as I watch him. I’ve never seen him looking so unsure of himself. “It’s just … I’m lost without you. I’ve spent the last five years trying to deny it, but it’s true. I miss you. I’ve felt like I’ve had a hole in my heart since the day I drove away and left you crying in the driveway. I want you in my life again.”
“What are you asking me to do, Carter?” He reaches out, grasping both my hands in his. I hate how even the simplest touch from him sends my heart into a flutter.
“I’ve gotta go back home today. I have some things I need to sort out with work. I’m hoping to be back here by the end of the week. Can you just think about what I’ve said while I’m gone? I miss you. The last few days have made me see just how much. I need you in my life, Indiana.”
“You do?”
“I do. I can’t promise you anything. I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I want things to be the way they used to be between us. I want to see where it takes us. I’ll admit I’m not the commitment type, but if anyone could make me one, it’s you. It’ll only ever be you.”
My head says I should tell him to go to hell, but my heart speaks a totally different language. My smile grows. If it gets any bigger, I’m sure my face will split in two. What he’s said is a lot to take in, such a huge risk to even consider. And then there’s Mark. I know he doesn’t make me feel the kind of things Carter does, but I’m not sure if I can just walk away from him either. Can I even trust Carter with my heart anymore? He broke it once, who says he won’t do it again? I think my head is going to explode. This is too much to process all at once.
“Okay,” I finally say. I hope I don’t regret this. I can’t believe I’m even entertaining the idea. But there’s a part deep inside that knows exactly why I am.
“Okay, what?” he asks, a look of hopefulness on his face.
“Okay, I’ll think about what you’ve said.” He lets out the breath he was holding while waiting for my answer. “I said think, Carter, that’s all. Don’t go getting your hopes up. I’m not sure if I can walk away from what I have with Mark.” And that’s the truth.
“That’s all I’m asking.” He pulls me into him, wrapping me in his arms. Mark never makes me feel like this when he holds me. Never. Why am I even thinking that? Can I take a chance on a guy that I know has the potential to destroy me? Because that’s exactly what will happen if he breaks my heart again. “I’ll see you at the end of the week,” he says pulling back and cupping my face in his hands.
“I’m not making any promises, okay. I’m not sure—”
“I’ll respect any decision you make,” he says cutting me off. “I might not like it, but I’ll respect it. If you decide Mark is the guy for you, then I’ll walk away. I promise.”
“Okay.”
“Okay,” he responds, smiling. God I love his smile. There’s something about it that turns my insides all mushy.
“I’ve got to get back to work.” I go to step back, but he pulls my face to his, planting a warm, soft kiss on my mouth. It leaves my lips tingling, and it was only a peck. I have a feeling my headache isn’t going to go away anytime soon. It’s going to be a really long, agonising week.
••••
Three days have passed and thanks to my current predicament, I still have this damn headache. Mark was upset with me after my little talk with Carter, but by the afternoon he came around. He asked me what Carter wanted, and I lied. I told him he wanted to say goodbye, which made me feel awful. It still does, but what can I say? I need to make up my own mind without any influence from either one of them.
To be honest, I’m totally confused. I’m not sure if I want to give up either of them. My screwed up heart screams Carter, but unfortunately my head doesn’t. This is one time I wish I wasn’t so sensible. I believe Carter when he says he wants more, but is he capable of more? Does he think he wants me because I have Mark, or does he really miss me? It’s a total mind fuck. Can I walk away from Mark and take a chance on an uncertainty?
“Hey, babe,” Mark says coming up behind me, sliding his arms around my waist. I was so lost in thought that I jump. “Are you nearly ready to leave? I’m taking you out for dinner.”
“Can I have a raincheck? I have a really bad headache. I was actually looking forward to going home and lying down.” That’s the truth. I’d even considered not coming in today, but I knew Mark needed me to assist him in surgery.
“Nope. I have big plans for us tonight. We’re going out. That’s final,” he demands as his lips trace a trail down my neck.
“Mmmm,” I moan, tilting my head to one side. “Can we go out tomorrow night instead?”
“Come on, Indi,” he begs, turning me in his arms. “Please. I’ve put a lot of effort into tonight. Don’t spoil it over a lousy headache.” The pleading look in his eyes has me giving in.
“Fine,” I say with a sigh.
“Good girl.” He leans forward and places a kiss on the tip of my nose. “We’ll swing by your place after work so you can change and pick up some clothes for tomorrow. I want you to stay over tonight.”
“I agreed to dinner. I’m not in the mood to stay over.” It’s not just my headache that’s stopping me from spending the night. It’s all this stuff with Carter as well. Until I sort through that, I can’t be intimate with Mark. It wouldn’t be fair on him. Plus it would only confuse matters.
As much as I’ve missed Carter over the years, I can’t believe I’m even contemplating the idea. Mark’s safe. Mark would never break my heart.
••••
It’s around a fifty-minute drive to the restaurant. We end up at an upmarket waterfront restaurant on the North Shore. Usually we eat locally, so I’m surprised that he would bring me here.
My eyes immediately scan the surroundings when we enter. It’s beautiful. The waiters are all dressed in tuxedos. The restaurant is all white, with splashes of black, silver, and a deep cherry red throughout. It screams class and money. I’ve never been to a place so swanky before. I’d hate to see what it costs to eat at a place like this.
“Reservation for two under Thompson,” Marks says to the maître d.
“Right this way,” he replies with a pleasant smile. My eyes are darting around the room as we walk across the restaurant floor, heading towards the outside terrace overlooking the harbour. Mark pulls out my chair when we reach the table. “Thank you,” I say as I take a seat. He places a soft kiss on the top of my head when he pushes my chair in. The maître d spreads a white linen napkin on my lap before making his way around to Mark. I’m not complaining about being here, but again I wonder what the special occasion is.
When we’re alone, he reaches for my hand across the table and I smile at him. He really is easy on the eye. It brings all of my worries to the forefront. Can I really let him go? Can I allow Carter to waltz into my life after being absent for five years and disrupt everything?
“You okay?” he asks. I love how caring he is towards me.
“I am. It’s lovely here. Thank you for bringing me.”
“Only the best for you, sweetheart,” he replies pulling my hand towards his mouth and placing a soft kiss on my knuckles. It
makes my stomach churn as guilt consumes me. Again I’m plagued with doubts. Doubts on whether I can give up what I have with Mark for an uncertainty. Doubts if I can let Carter go. Carter shouldn’t even be on my mind when I’m here with Mark, but he is.
When the waiter comes over to take our drinks order, Mark orders a bottle of their finest wine. His mother usually frowns upon me when I drink. “Drinking alcohol isn’t very ladylike,” she has said to me on numerous occasions. A wine here and there never hurt anyone. She can be such a pretentious cow sometimes.
Usually when we’re out with them, which thankfully isn’t very often, I don’t order wine anymore. His mother has a way of making me feel inferior. Like I’m not good enough for her son. Tonight though, I actually welcome the alcohol. It may help me relax a little.
The waiter pours a tiny amount into each glass. I hate how they do that. Mark picks up his glass and swirls the liquid inside before bringing it to his nose. I almost want to laugh. He wouldn’t know the first thing about fine wine since his family are non-drinkers. God, some rich people can be so fake. It’s all a show. It’s a two hundred dollar bottle of wine. How bad could it taste? Finally he takes a sip and nods, so the waiter proceeds to fill both our glasses.
As soon as he walks away, I lift my glass to my mouth and take a huge gulp. “Easy there,” Mark chastises. “It’s expensive wine. You’re supposed to savour the taste, not guzzle it down.” I roll my eyes at him before taking another gulp. I’m not interested in the taste. The faster I drink this baby, the quicker the alcohol will be pulsing through my veins.
“So what’s the special occasion?” I ask. I’m curious. He never usually goes to this much trouble on a date.
“All in good time,” he says with a wink. Great. Now he’s going to make me hang out. I’m not a fan of surprises. He smiles at me before looking over at the maître d’ and nodding his head. What’s he up to? I find out soon enough when a violinist appears at our table. Of course he stands right next to me when he starts to play. It’s not like I hate the sound of the violin or anything, but with this headache it’s like nails on a chalkboard. He may as well be bashing me over the head with the damn thing. It would have the same effect.
Mark reaches for my hand, giving it a light squeeze. I plaster a smile on my face. I don’t want him to think I don’t appreciate the effort he’s making, I do. It’s very sweet. Thankfully, he only plays one song before walking away. “Are you having a nice time?” he asks.
“I am.”
“Good.”
“Are you ready to order now, Sir?” the waiter asks reappearing at our table.
“Yes, thanks,” Mark replies. As the waiter rattles off the chef’s suggestions, I tune him out. I already know Mark’s going to order for me. He always does. His father orders for his mother as well. I guess he thinks that’s the way it’s done.
Maybe in the sixteenth century.
While we wait for the food to arrive, we talk about work. Our conversations seem to always divert in that direction. I guess when you and your partner do the same thing for a living that happens. I must admit though, I think it’s the only thing we really have in common. That thought saddens me for some reason.
My mind drifts to Meg. God I miss her. It’s times like this I could use her shoulder. Her advice is what I crave. She’s the only one I could talk to about this situation. She knows me better than anyone.
She’s living on the other side of the world with her husband, Drew. He’s in IT. That’s how they met. She hated school, so instead of going to college like me, she headed straight into the workforce when she finished her senior year in high school.
She instantly fell head-over-heels in love, which was surprising for her. I guess he was the one. It was a whirlwind romance. They were married within a year. Then he was offered a position looking after the company’s overseas branches. It was a huge opportunity for him. Naturally Meg followed her husband.
There’s a huge gap in my life without her in it. We talk on the phone when we can, but it’s not the same as having her living nearby when I need her. Like now. She adores her husband, but hates being shuffled around from one place to the next. As soon as she gets settled, they up and move again. I can hear the sadness in her voice every time we talk on the phone. She has so many of her own dramas going on at the moment, I suppose it wouldn’t be fair to burden her down with mine.
Once we’ve eaten, Mark asks me if I’d like to dance. I almost say no, but when I see the look of expectation in his eyes, I don’t. He’s gone to a lot of effort tonight. The least I can do is go along with it.
He holds me in his arms as we move to a slow song. “Do you know how much I love you?” he whispers in my ear when the song comes to an end. Guilt consumes me again. I’m not sure how much longer I can do this. I tighten my grip around his waist, holding him against me, savouring the feeling of being held by the man who loves me.
When the music stops, Mark releases me. Turning to walk back towards our table, I’m stopped when he reaches for my arm, holding me in place. Facing him again, my heart drops into the pit of my stomach when I realise what he’s about to do. He takes a step backwards, and to my horror, gets down on one knee.
Holy fucking crap! I’m not ready for this.
“No, no, no,” I blurt out in a panic as I try and pull him back to his feet. Noooo. Please don’t ask me to marry you in front of all these people, I want to scream, but before I get a chance, he pulls the ring out of his pocket and holds it out towards me.
“Indiana Montgomery, I love you. Please say you’ll spend the rest of your life with me.” At first I stand there in stunned silence. I feel dreadful. My eyes dart around the restaurant. Everybody has stopped what they’re doing and are now watching this horrible scene unfold. I find myself wishing a big black hole would open up beneath me and swallow me whole.
Even before Carter came back on the scene, I knew I wasn’t ready for this kind of commitment. I’m only twenty-two. There’s so much I want to experience before I even think of settling down. Like traveling the world for one. How can I say no to him in front of all these people? I can’t lie and say yes either. That would be so much worse.
My eyes meet his again as he waits for my answer. I see hope, then desperation cross his face. I feel tears burn my eyes. The pleading look in his eyes makes my heart hurt, but I still can’t bring myself to answer him. Then his expression turns to anger. I continue to stand there in stunned silence.
A few seconds later he rises to his feet. “I can’t believe you’d embarrass me in front of all these people,” he snarls through gritted teeth. How is this my fault? We’ve never even discussed marriage.
“I’m sorry,” is all I manage to get out, in a voice that doesn’t even sound like mine. He doesn’t reply. Instead he turns and storms away, heading towards the exit. I run after him. Words cannot express how terrible I feel.
“Mark. Mark, wait,” I call out as I chase after him.
“Go to hell,” is all he says as he abruptly pushes the restaurant door open and walks out into the night. I continue after him.
“Mark, please. Let’s talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. We’re through,” he says as he opens the driver’s side door and climbs into the car. I’m stopped in my tracks. Did he really just say we’re through?
“Mark,” I cry as tears rise to my eyes. Ignoring me, he starts the car. What? Is he just going to leave me here all alone? The car inches forward, and I have to step out of the way so he doesn’t run me down. Surly he’s not going to just drive away. He’s just upset. I can understand that. “Please,” I call out as he passes me. “Talk to me.” He slows, inching down his window.
“There’s nothing you can say that’s going to fix this,” he snaps angrily.
“Can we at least talk about it?” I plead. “You’re not even giving me a chance.” Anger sweeps through me. He’s acting like a complete dickhead. “We’ve never even discussed marriage. Hell,
I haven’t even told you I love you yet. What possessed you to think I was even ready for this?” He continues to look straight ahead. The gutless prick won’t even make eye contact with me. He exhales a large breath before meeting my steely gaze.
“Because I panicked,” he admits. “I didn’t want to lose you.” Tears rise to my eyes again when the anger on his face is replaced with sadness. I hate that I’ve hurt him, but he’s acting like a tool. This is not the Mark I thought I knew. “You’ve changed since that thug has returned. I’m not stupid, Indiana. I see the way he looks at you … the way you look at him. Deny it all you want, but any fool could see the connection you two have.” I can’t reply because in my heart I know everything he’s saying is true. “That’s what I thought,” he says in a defeated tone when I don’t deny it. “I think it’s for the best if you find another job.” What the hell!
When he winds up his window and drives forward, anger broils inside me. I’m so pissed with him, I’m tempted to kick his stupid, ridiculously expensive car as it passes, but that would only bring me down to his level. He’s carrying on like a spoilt brat.
Wrapping my arms around my torso, I watch him drive towards the exit of the parking lot before pulling into the traffic. He’ll be back. Regardless of what he said, I know deep down he’s a good guy. He’s just hurt. He’d never leave me stranded like this. He’d never walk away from me like Carter did. Never. I wait, and I wait, but he doesn’t return.
Wow. I guess he would.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Carter
Five long days pass before I return. I’ve worked my arse off to get back to Indiana as quick as I could. I can only stay for a few days, but it’s better than nothing. I’m still not sure how this back and forth thing is going to work, but I’m not giving up yet. Truth is, I’d travel to the ends of the earth for her if I had to.
Jax and I changed our usual Friday night card game to last night. We’ve been doing this for years now. I love catching up with him and having a few drinks. It’s our way of unwinding after a busy week. We used to alternate between my place and his, but lately he seems to be coming up my way. He likes it up here. We have the best pubs and nightlife.