by J. L. Perry
“I’m nearly done,” he replies, looking up at me and smiling. He picks up the notepad off his lap and jots something down before placing it beside him. He opens his arms when I reach him, pulling me down onto his lap.
“How are you feeling now?”
“Better,” I say snuggling into him. I look down at the notepad and see it’s filled with writing. “What’s all this?” I ask.
“Just some questions for the doctor and things I need to buy once the treatment starts.”
“What things?”
“Just some special food you’ll need … stuff like that. You have to be careful what you eat during the treatment. They advise to eat healthy foods and stay away from sweet things, but not me, of course.” I laugh at his comment.
“Just let them try and keep me away from you.”
“I’d never let that happen, babe,” he chuckles, placing his lips on my cheek. “Since the radiation will be going straight to your head, you’ll have to been extra careful with your oral hygiene. It can affect your teeth and gums, so you can’t eat anything too hot or too cold. I’ve made a list of all their suggestions for you to go through. We have an amazing Growers Market up here every Sunday. They sell all fresh produce. When the treatment starts we can go there and stock up on all your favourites.” Tears rise to my eyes. What did I do to deserve someone so wonderful?
“Thank you,” I sniffle as I wrap my arms around his waist. I can’t even put into words how amazing he is. “Leave the rest, I’ll go over them in the morning before we leave. I need you in bed with me.”
“You don’t have to ask me twice,” he says, standing with me still in his arms. “There’s no place I’d rather be, than beside you.” Flicking off the light switch with his elbow as he passes, his lips capture mine as he carries me back to bed.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
One month later …
Carter
We’re in week three of the radiation therapy. The oncologist put Indiana on a course of radio-sensitising drugs the first week of treatment. They apparently make the cancer cells more sensitive to the radiation, helping to kill them off faster. She’s going great guns, but it’s been a tough few weeks.
The first week she seemed to breeze through it, with little or no side effects. These last two weeks, not so much. She’s having small doses of radiation Monday through to Thursday, and having Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off as her rest days.
We’ve been driving down Monday morning and staying in Sydney until Thursday, then driving back to my place for the other days. I’ve been squeezing in as much work as I can, working until late Thursday night, and all day Friday and most of Saturday. I hate leaving her alone, but I need to work. She spends most of her time sleeping anyway.
Mum and Ross both offered to come and stay with her while I worked, but she wouldn’t hear of it. I think she feels bad putting people out. She’s forever apologising to me. Doesn’t she realise how much we all love her? That there’s nothing we wouldn’t do to make this process easier or more comfortable for her?
I check on her between every client, and if it’s a big job, I send Jacquie or Justine up to make sure she’s okay and there’s nothing she needs. It’s killing me to see her so sick. I wasn’t prepared for things to get this bad. She’s nauseous all the time, so she’s not eating as much as I’d like, and has subsequently lost some weight. There was already nothing of her, so it concerns me greatly.
She usually comes good by Sunday, but when the treatment starts up again Monday, she’s back to where she started. I usually try and get as much food as I can into her on the good days. I know once this is all over she’ll get back to where she was, but in the meantime, it’s hard to watch. I’d give anything to change places with her.
Even LJ can tell things aren’t right. He hasn’t left her side. Follows her everywhere when she’s up and about, and lays beside her when she’s not. I’m glad he’s here with her when I’m downstairs working.
I wish I could spend every second of my time with her, especially on her rest days, but being away from work three and a half days a week is really taking its toll on my clientele. Thankfully, they’ve been pretty understanding. I’ve lost a few of my regulars to the other artists, but most have been loyal and stuck by me. It’s only for three more weeks, and hopefully we can then put this behind us and life will get back to normal.
To add to my already hectic schedule, the old man next door came over a few weeks back and told me he was planning to shut up shop at the end of the month. He wanted to know if I was still interested in buying his building, which of course I am. I have a few ideas up my sleeve that might help persuade Indi to stay up here permanently once the treatment is finished. Well that’s my hope anyway.
So, now I have the added worry of organising finance, as well as getting the architect to draw up the plans to extend the apartment and refit the shop next door. I’d like to get started on the renovations as soon as the purchase is finalised. I’m going to use the same building company that fitted out my place when I first moved here. To be honest, I’m fucking exhausted, but if all goes to plan it’s going to be worth it.
After finishing up the colour fill working on, I walk my client out to the front desk, only to find my next job is already waiting for me. “Can you give me five minutes mate?” I ask when I walk over and shake his hand. I just have to duck upstairs quickly.
Only my staff know what’s going on with Indiana. I’m a personal guy and don’t like to talk about shit like that with my clients.
“Sure. No problem,” he replies taking a seat again. I take the steps two at a time as I rush up to check on Indiana. I find her sound asleep in bed. When I see the sandwich I made her at lunchtime still sitting on the bedside table untouched, I exhale. I need her to fucking eat. She’s so weak, and this no eating shit isn’t helping.
“Indi,” I whisper getting down on my knees beside the bed, and smoothing my hand over her hair. “Hey,” I say smiling when her eyelids flutter open. She’s so fucking pale and pasty, with dark circles under her eyes. It worries me to no end to see her like this.
She’s been so courageous. Never once complaining. My heart hurts when her green eyes meet mine. They’ve lost their sparkle, and I fucking hate that. I just want this to be over with so she can be well again.
“Hi,” she says forcing out a smile. I hate that she thinks she needs to be brave for me, because she doesn’t.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, helping her when she tries to sit up.
“Okay.” That’s what she always says, even when I know damn well she isn’t.
“You didn’t eat your sandwich.”
“I wasn’t hungry,” she replies shrugging her shoulders.
“You’ve gotta eat, babe,” I say in a pleading tone as I tuck some loose strands of hair behind her ear. “You barely touched your breakfast.” I pick up the plate off the bedside table and unwrap the sandwich.
“Can you take a bite for me, please? It would make me happy.” She gives me a genuine smile when I say that.
“Okay. If it will make you happy,” she answers, opening her mouth when I hold the food out in front of her. I watch as she slowly chews. I can tell she’s really struggling. It brings a lump to my throat. I pick up the bottle of water, unscrewing the lid.
“Here, have a drink.” She raises her hand to take it from me and I notice she’s shaking. She’s been doing a lot of that lately. She’s probably got low blood sugars from the lack of food. “Let me,” I offer as I move it towards her mouth. Seeing her lips wrap around the bottle, doesn’t even make my dick stir.
We haven’t been intimate for over two weeks. She’s asked, no practically begged, but I can’t do it. Don’t get me wrong. I want to. I want to more than anything. I fucking miss that connection with her. But, she’s so weak … so fragile. Not only does she need to conserve her energy just to do menial things, like get around, I’m scared I’m gonna break her, or hurt her. I can’t risk that at the mo
ment.
We’ll get back there. I have every confidence. The day I can sink my cock into that heavenly pussy of hers again, is gonna be one sweet day I can tell you. But for now, the most important thing is seeing her well again.
“How about I go to the fish market after work and get some of those fresh prawns you love? I can make you a nice prawn salad for dinner.” My hopefully eyes search hers. I’m becoming desperate. I’ve noticed she can’t really seem to stomach the stir-fries I’ve been making. Anything too saucy seems to make her nausea intensify.
“Sounds great,” she answers reaching for my hand and giving it a weak squeeze. I know my client is waiting downstairs, but he’s gonna have to wait. My girl comes first. I sit on the side of the bed until I get half the sandwich into her, and most of the water. When she tells me she’s had enough, I lay her back down and tuck the sheets up around her neck. “I’ll be back in about an hour.” I gently place my lips against hers. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replies smiling. “Thanks for taking such good care of me.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I want to take care of you.” I pick her phone up off the bedside table and place it on the pillow by her head. “Call me if you need anything in the meantime.”
“Okay.” I bend down and place a soft kiss on her forehead.
“Look after our girl while I’m gone, boy,” I tell LJ, ruffling his fur before I turn and leave.
••••
We leave early Monday morning to be back in Sydney in time for Indi’s next session of radiation. Sunday’s have quickly become my favourite day. Not only do I get to spend the entire day with her, but it’s the one day of the week that she’s closest to being her old self and well enough to leave the house. Those few days rest from the radiation really seem to make a difference.
Last night I even rugged her up and carried her across the road to the beach. She tried to fight me, insisting she could walk, but I wouldn’t hear of it. We ended up compromising on a piggyback instead. It’s amazing how many stars you can see in the sky at night when you live close to the ocean. I’d never really noticed until I went back to Sydney and looked up at the sky. I guess the pollution from the city doesn’t help.
I wanted her to experience it, so I laid a blanket on the sand and took an extra one to place over her so she was warm. Her immune system is so low right now. She can’t afford to get sick.
We laid on the soft sand for hours, wrapped in each other’s arms, looking up at the sky talking and laughing and even making out occasionally. It was just like old times.
Although the making out part was wonderful, it wasn’t a great idea. The longer I go without having her, the harder I’m finding it to deny myself. She practically begged me to make love to her under the stars. Saying no was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
She was clearly upset by my knockback. Doesn’t she realise how hard this is for me? How much I want her? I hate denying her of anything, so I eventually relented and slipped my hand down the front of her pants and brought her undone with my fingers.
Hearing her little whimpers and feeling her come against my hand almost had me caving. I wanted inside her so bad, but I held strong. As soon as she’s well again, I’m gonna tie her to my bed and fuck her until we both pass out. That she can be certain of.
I couldn’t stop smiling by the time we headed back to the apartment, neither could she. It was exactly what we both needed. My heart felt so much lighter.
Now we’re back to where we started. I hate what this fucking radiation is doing to her. On our way back to Ross’ house, I had to pull over to the side of the road twice so she could vomit. After I carried her into the house and placed her in bed, I laid down with her until she fell asleep before getting up and heading over to my mum’s. I needed a little time out. Sadly though, what I found when I got there had me wishing I’d stayed in bed with Indiana.
As soon as I entered the house, I found my mum with her face buried in her hands, sobbing. Christ. I thought she was improving. I drop my keys onto the table by the entry, immediately making my way to her. “Mum,” I say concerned, sitting beside her and draping my arm around her shoulder. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Oh, Carter,” she cries burying her face into my chest.
“What’s going on?” I can’t stand to see her like this.
“I just got off the phone with a private investigator. My father died.” What the fuck? Her father died and she’s crying? Why that pisses me off, I can’t say. Yes I can. After the way he treated her, treated me …
“And that upsets you? Why?” I ask a little angrier than anticipated.
“Despite everything, he was my father, Carter.” Father my arse. That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Not only did he kick his daughter out of her home when she was nineteen, pregnant, and had nowhere else to go, he ruined my life. His only grandchild. “I just hoped that one day we’d be able to make amends. Now that’s never going to happen.”
“I’m sorry, Mum, but he was an arsehole. He treated us both like shit.”
“I know,” she sniffles wiping the tears from her eyes. “My mum wants me to get in contact with her. She hired an investigator after my father died, to track me down. He’s given me her contact details.”
“Are you going to contact her?” She doesn’t even hesitate with her answer.
“Of course.” It instantly gets my back up. “She was nothing like my father,” she says in her defence.
“Well, where has she been for the last twenty-five years of your life?” I practically scream as I stand. I feel bad when I see her flinch, but I can’t seem to control the anger that rages inside me. “If you want to do this, then you’re on your own. I want nothing to do with her.”
“Carter,” she calls out to my retreating back as I storm towards my bedroom. I’m not sure why this has made me so angry. Maybe my nerves are just frazzled from everything I’m going through with Indi. Maybe it’s something else.
As I sit on the side of my bed and bury my face in my hands, memories of that day flash through my mind. Why did you bring that little bastard here? Get him out of here. Don’t you ever bring him here again. It’s funny, it’s been nineteen years, but it’s still as fresh in my memory like it happened yesterday. I hate that motherfucker. I’m glad he’s dead. He ruined my fucking life and broke my mother’s heart. That may be harsh, but that’s exactly how I feel.
“Carter,” my mum says knocking on my bedroom door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” I reply. I shouldn’t be mad at her. She’s the biggest victim in all of this. They were her parents. They let her down when she needed them most. “I’m sorry, Mum,” I say, making eye contact with her when she comes and sits beside me on the bed.
“You have nothing to be sorry about sweetheart.” Her voice is soft when she speaks. She raises her hand and gently rubs it over my back. “You’re right. He did a number on both of us. My mother was nothing like him though. You need to understand he was very controlling. She had no say in any of this. She was devastated when he kicked me out. She tried to reason with him, but he wouldn’t listen. He never did. He was very stubborn. The day I left the house, she broke down. She handed me an envelope that contained two thousand dollars. She’d been saving money over the years without my father’s knowledge. She also gave me some of her jewellery to sell if I needed more money. It wasn’t much, but it was all she had. It helped me get by until I could find a job. It gave me a place to stay and food to survive. Without that, I would’ve ended up on the street.”
I sit and listen to everything she says, but I’m still not happy about this whole situation. She’s had no contact from her mother in all these years. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a little late to try and make up for it now.
“Things were different back then,” she continues. “Having sex before marriage, having a baby out of wedlock … it was taboo, shunned upon. My father was very religious and old school
. He was also a proud man. His reputation meant everything to him. Unfortunately, what people thought of him turned out to be more important than the welfare of his own daughter and grandchild. For that I can never forgive him. My mum, though? She was different, Carter. When you meet her, you’ll see exactly what I mean.”
“Like hell I’m meeting her,” I snap. “If you want to, go right ahead, but I want nothing to do with this.”
“Carter,” she says in a shocked tone. “Please. I need you with me. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own. It’s been nearly twenty-five years since I’ve seen her. I think this would be good for you, for both of us. It’s time to let go of the past, sweetheart. It’s time to heal.” I exhale a defeated breath. I’ve never been able to say no to her, and that pleading look in her eyes tells me I’ll be going to meet this fucking woman, whether I want to or not. Fuck.
••••
My mum called her mother later that afternoon. Apparently she was over the moon to hear from her and they talked and cried on the phone for over two hours. She wanted us both to come over straight away. There was no way I was going to drop everything and run to her, even if that’s what my mum wanted. My first priority was Indi, and frankly, if I could put this unwanted reunion off, I was gonna delay it as much as I could.
As the days passed though, my mother’s pleas became too much. I finally relented and agreed to go with her late Wednesday afternoon. I haven’t discussed it with Indiana yet. I’ll wait and see how the meeting goes first. I don’t want to upset or worry her unnecessarily. I have no idea what to expect when I get there. Going by our visit all those years ago, I don’t hold out much hope.
My mum has arranged for us to be at her mother’s house at 3:00pm, for afternoon tea. Fuck that. I won’t be eating shit when we get there, that’s even if we make it through the front door. It’s just after 2:00pm, so we’re going to need to leave soon. It’s a forty-minute drive to her parents’ house.
Picking up the plate of fruit I’ve just chopped up for Indi, I head back into the lounge room where she’s snuggled up on the sofa with LJ. Her gaze moves away from the television and locks with mine when I enter the room. I plaster a smile on my face to try and mask the inner turmoil that rages inside me. Thankfully she returns the smile. I’ve done a good job of hiding my worry and uncertainty from her all day.