by Brent, Amy
“I'm going to take them up the hill walk, and I'll meet you at the assault course in forty-five minutes. Hope you're doing okay. It took me way too long to recover from our evening. Fuck, I haven't drunk that much in years. Let's never do that again.”
I laughed, thinking of how sore and sorry for myself I'd been the next day. It had felt like someone had beaten me into a stupor that made me feel sore, weak, and ridiculously dizzy and uncoordinated. Drinking was for idiots. Paul and I took so much care of our bodies usually that it had hit us harder than expected. I couldn't imagine doing it every weekend like so many people did. That shit could kill you. It was toxic beyond your imagination's biggest and weirdest understanding of the word.
I smiled at him. “If you need me, I'll have the walkie-talkie.”
“We'll be fine. Bob's been amazing. I'm glad we hired him to help out.”
I smiled. “Me too. It means I can get the paperwork done.”
We both went our separate ways, and I threw my energy into the paperwork. I was trying to make my brain focus on anything else but missing Lindsey; needing her; being with her. I couldn’t seem to get her out of my head no matter how hard I tried.
My mind moved to her glorious body and how she'd trusted me with it so many times in the past and more recently, as well. She’d let me touch her, taste her, put myself inside her. Our lovemaking had always been the thing that felt so right. There was nothing that could come between us when we delved into that space together. We fed off one another, giving the other the most love we could in physical form.
The hours managed to tick by with a slowness that was profoundly frustrating. I tried to work and do the best I could, but I felt compelled to leave a little earlier to check on her at her place. Paul seemed happy enough about my early departure, and thankfully Bob would pick up the slack on my part, which meant my guilt didn't hit me like a brick as it usually would have.
I spun the Jeep straight to Lindsey's. I had to see her, and I was so glad it was the end of work for the day. I needed for everything to be okay.
I arrived and half-jogged to her front door, excited to see her again. I knocked three times, but there was no answer. I couldn't tell if she was home or not because the car always sat behind a garage door. Shit.
I checked my watch, and it was time to get Jacob from Mom's. I was so damn frustrated that I couldn't see her. This was probably how she'd felt when I’d left her all those years ago.
Karma? I hoped there was no such thing.
I decided that my crazy mind needed an outlet. Ice cream with Jacob was the order of the day. It was something we both loved. My favorite was peppermint, and his was chocolate and vanilla. We sat at Manny's Parlor, and he beamed a smile at me. He opened the zipper on his backpack and handed me a very-badly-folded piece of drawing paper.
I opened it up and there were three smiling faces. One of the faces had longer hair than the other two. “It's me, you, and Lin-see,” he said, flashing an ice cream smile.
“Wow, you are an amazing artist!” I said, now feeling my heart pulling.
“Oh, that’s what my kindy teacher said. She’s new, and her name is Miss Farley. We can call her Anna.”
“She sounds super-duper, really, very nice!” I said, giving him a pat on the back.
“Dada, she told us a big story about dragons and fire that breaths out of them!”
“You mean breathes.”
“Whatever!”
“Sorry?” I asked, knowing he must’ve picked up the word from another child.
“I mean, whatevs.”
“It’s not a very good word to say, Jacob. It means you don’t care.”
“Does it?”
“Yes,” I answered, making my serious face.
“Well, Riley said it means you’re cool.”
“I think you could say ‘awesome’ instead. It’s a much more ‘cool’ thing to say.”
“Okay!”
My eyes moved to his drawing. It was the sweetest, most-beautiful picture I ever saw. It had red love hearts around us all, although they looked more like basketballs. My heart longed for Lindsey to be with us so she could see it too. I wanted her to see the light in Jacob’s eyes and mine that we both had for her.
At that moment, I felt as if my heart was going to break into a trillion pieces. I loved her so much, and so did Jacob, obviously.
But where was she? Would she ever speak to me again?
Fuck. I'm going crazy in my monkey mind.
I love you, Lindsey, and we've got to see each other as soon as possible.
My mind began worrying, which was something I'd been taught never to do in the Navy SEALs. It had been a repetitive part of my training. If you were anxious, the enemy could creep in and get to you. But this wasn't the Navy, and Lindsey was definitely not my enemy.
Christ, I think I'm gonna need way more ice cream.
“Dada, I want more ice cream!” said Jacob, as if he was in my head.
“I know, but we’ll regret it if we do.”
“Regret?” he asked, confused by the word.
“We’ll feel yucky about it because our tummies won’t like too much of it. We could begin to feel sick.”
“Oh, okay. It’s yummy though.”
“It definitely is.”
“I love ice cream, and I love Lin-see.” His words were honest and true.
Wow, my heart is bursting right now, or breaking, but I’m not sure which one.
Lindsey
I'd heard the door as someone knocked on it. It'd either be Ben or Nicole, and I didn't want to talk to either, not right now. I couldn't. I ignored the door; the stupid door. My heart was broken, and I was so distraught that I couldn't bear to work. Helping others wasn't possible if I wasn't right within myself. It would come across as fake and less than genuine, or, it would seem like I didn't care at all.
I did care.
I didn't have the flu, but it was the most believable thing I could think of. Nicole had been happy to have a break from the camp because she was exhausted anyway. She'd been helping her aunt after work since she got the flu. I needed to be with myself and center. Joanne and Spirita were going to take a small road trip, to enjoy the scenery and spread their wings on a vacation. They'd become great friends over the past year. I wondered whether they had a thing for one another. They'd never talked about guys.
Here I was, stuck at home, about going out of my mind because I was in love with Ben. Yes, madly, deeply, crazily in love with him. I couldn't stand us not being together. I needed time to get my mind straight on everything, though. I loved him, yes. He loved me too, and I knew that was also true. But the past hung onto us like a black shadow that stood there, creeping up on us when we least expected it. I felt like we were going two steps forward and three steps backward. The whole scenario was driving me insane. I wanted to bring up the issue, and then I didn't. I wanted to kiss and make love to him, and then I also wanted to slap him. I wanted to tell him I loved him, and I did, but he couldn't remember it because he was drunk.
And then there was Jacob.
Shit.
Why did life have to be so god-damn, ridiculously, horribly, awkwardly complicated? Why couldn't we talk it over, realize that I never cheated, get over it, move on, and live happily, pleasantly, magically, wonderfully ever after forever?
I moved to the kitchen. I needed hot, strong, sweet, ridiculously huge amounts of caffeine. Coffee. I needed coffee.
My mind drew a blank as I boiled the kettle which seemed to take forever, and then the clock began ticking more loudly than it usually did. I was going crazy in my own home. Everything seemed louder, bigger, more obvious, somehow. Was this how anxiety felt? I knew I needed to breathe differently. I'd told so many of my clients that if they just breathed, everything would begin to feel better. So, it should work for me too, right?
Ugh.
I sipped the coffee and felt it permeating through my veins. I'd never been so frustrated! Or heartbroken. Or in love!
Wow, Lindsey, you may have actually lost the plot.
God, I hoped I hadn't. I was usually so strong, so normal, so sane!
I ran myself a shower. Hot water could work miracles on your body. I took off my nightie and imagined myself under a waterfall, getting the healing power of water. Loads of meditations had streams and waterfalls in them, and my mind pictured a beautiful one. All around me was crystal clear water, and I could see the moss-covered rocks that were on the bottom. I could breathe again as the water washed over my body.
Yes, good girl.
I was scared about how anxious I felt. I'd never experienced this feeling. It was horrible, and nothing really made sense as I tried to think my way out of it. It was as if my mind blocked me from having any clear thought or clarity of any kind, all while drumming at a hundred-million miles per hour with thoughts and imagery that drove me crackers.
It must have been like that for PTSD sufferers. They were caught in a loop of emotion, imagery, and thought patterns that drove up their anxiety levels because they felt like they were stuck in a situation they couldn't change. A situation that was scary, frightening, or traumatic, either physically or emotionally.
I get it now.
That was a horrible thing, anxiety. I didn't have PTSD, but I did have a trauma in my past that had hurt me very deeply. I'd never gotten over Ben, and now here he was, back in town, telling me he loved me. That was all I'd ever wanted. But I needed the past to be sorted. To move forward, we needed to go back and deal with it. Well, I needed to. For closure. We both needed closure. Then nothing could stop us, hopefully.
God, I've never been more scared or more in love than I am right at this very moment. It hurts so badly, so deeply.
I let my tears flow as I stayed under my warm shower. I needed to release the ghosts of the past, so I could be me again. I wanted to be happy; it was all I’d ever wanted. And I knew that happiness came from within and that you couldn't ascertain the feeling from anyone or anything. I also knew instinctively that my mind, body, and soul resonated with Ben. I could be “happy” on my own without him, but it would be a pretty awesome addition to spend my time with him, as willing participants in a love that felt so wonderful. And with Jacob too because he was so beautiful. He was an awesome extension of Ben and his world.
My tears subsided, and I turned the shower off. Today was going to be all about me and nurturing myself. I couldn't change anything in the past, and I needed to take my own advice and try desperately to live in the now. Yes, the present moment that was with me right here. What else could I do?
I dressed and heard knocking. I wanted to ignore it, but then I heard Rita's voice. God, I couldn't ignore it. I raced to the door and opened it, knowing it was the right thing to do. She’d always showed me respect and kindness, even though she had acted a little weirdly that one morning at Ben's place.
“Hi, Rita,” I said.
“Hi, Lindsey. It's good to see you. May I come in?”
Her smile melted me, and I knew why Jacob and Ben loved her as much as they did. She always gave off that caring feeling. It made you feel safe and secure. She was the perfect reflection of what a mother should be.
I knew she'd be able to see that I'd been crying. Her next words were kind. “So, how are you doing?”
“I'm alright. To be honest, I was feeling a little under the weather.”
Her kind blue eyes permeated me, and she began to talk about Ben as if she knew it was the right topic to bring up. I could never get sick of talking about him, the love of my life, even if it felt raw.
Rita smiled. “You know Ben had to leave, don't you? His date coincided with the same week you broke up. He'd always had his heart set on it.”
“I know,” I said, and at the time we'd discussed it.
But we'd been so smitten with one another. It had been hard enough for us to miss each other for a day, let alone a long period for training in another state.
“He shouldn't have blocked you, and he should have asked you what really happened. But he was younger and more in his silly ego. He thought he knew it all, and nothing can stop him once he gets set in his ways. It was wrong of him, very wrong.” I looked at her, and she spoke honestly. “Before he left, Lindsey, he was considering not going. And when it happened, the whole cheating thing, which never happened, well, he had an excuse to leave because he obviously needed an out.”
“An out from dealing with his emotions, yes,” I agreed.
“He should never have ignored and blocked you. But he's not the same Ben he was all those years ago.”
“I think he's way more beautiful,” I said.
“Well, I always think he's perfect because he's my son, but I don't always agree with how he handles things. His father was strong-headed in much the same way, bless him.”
We spoke about Ben and how wonderful he was, except at dealing with his emotions. He really sucked at that. I felt shocked that he had considered putting the Navy SEALs on hold for me. He must've loved me back then as well.
Wow.
Rita smiled before she left. “Sweetheart, Ben isn't great with words, and he has absolutely no idea how to express his feelings, so give him time to come around. You two belong with one another. His ex kinda screwed a lot up for him. She was indescribable.”
I smiled and hugged her as she left. “Thank you so much.”
“And no more crying!” she exclaimed, making me laugh as she got into her car.
“Okay,” I answered, feeling much better.
My mind and heart raced after she left. Ben was going to pick me over the Navy SEALs. Wow, what a revelation. I couldn’t believe it. I felt nearly whole again.
I decided to use this week off to get back to myself. I was going to bake and freeze my meals, clean the house, do yoga, dance, meditate, sing really bad 80s music at the top of my lungs and just be alive.
I kinda felt like it was all going to be alright, somehow. I didn’t know for sure, but I felt like it could be, and that was a great start to my day, at least, it was for right now.
Thank you, Rita; you truly are a beautiful lady. And oh, my god, Ben loves me!
Ben
I called Mom before I went to her place before work. I needed to get some clarity. She was always fantastic at giving me that.
“Hello, son. I was thinking about you. I went to see Lindsey.”
I was shocked and not shocked at the same time. “Um.” I found myself upset about it. “Really?”
“It's okay. I wanted to tell her to give you some time to get your shit in a pile!”
“Mom, I hope you didn't use that language when you spoke to her.”
“No, I was trying to get a laugh out of you. You both need to stop being so damned serious. The past is gone. Either let it fester or move on and have the life of your dreams.”
“Mom!”
“What? You don't want the life of your dreams with the woman who's meant to be yours? Come on.”
I laughed at Mom's gung-ho attitude. She was trying to make me become less serious about everything, and it was good to get her positivity on board, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. It made me feel great that she'd spoken to Lindsey who apparently was going to give me time to get my “shit in a pile” as Mom had so abruptly put it.
As I hung up after a long-winded conversation with the woman who could talk for hours and hours, and hours, I felt—better!
I'd tried and tried to focus on the camp and to put Lindsey in the back of my mind, but she stayed there in images and in my big heart. I'd tried to do extra paperwork and become more brutal on myself in training. I even did the assault course twice in one day. But I hadn't managed to shake it. I didn't know how to. I'd tried to physically and mentally exhaust myself. I'd tried everything I could—except drowning myself in prescription medication and alcohol. I didn't ever want to take that track.
I was in love, madly, deeply, fully, crazily in love with her. I loved everything about her—her beautiful s
hiny hair, her gorgeous sparkling eyes, her curvaceous body, her intelligence, her laugh, her intoxicating scent. God, I was hopelessly in love with her. And I had been since I'd met her.
* * *
I was at camp in my office. The paperwork had never been so perfectly sorted. Paul was out with the recruits, and I felt like I was literally going insane. I missed her like crazy.
A knock at the door.
It was Nicole. She stood there garnering a smile, and I ushered her in. She came in and sat down. I was extremely glad to see her. Maybe she'd push me into doing something or somehow get me out of this weird “I'm in love” rut that I was in. It was as if I couldn't do anything but think of Lindsey. I was probably close to insanity, brought on by love!
“Well, hey there. I thought I'd come by and say hi.”
“Hi,” I said, hoping there was more to it than that.
“Lindsey is hurting, Ben. I needed to come and tell you because I think you know you broke her heart all those years ago. And she's never stopped loving you since then.”
Whoa, I wasn't expecting such honesty right from the get-go, but, okay. I probably needed this. I smiled, allowing her to go on with her mouthful of words that I could see she was dying to get out and in the open.
“So, I'm not sure if you know this, but Lindsey stayed true to you all those years you were gone. She's never been with anyone else. Eventually, she tried dating, but she just couldn't.”
“What?” I asked, wondering if I'd heard her words correctly.
“She can't be with anyone but you. She's never slept with anyone else.”
Her words were strong, and they permeated through me like lava from a volcano.
“I can't even fathom that.”
“Ben, for fuck's sake, she’s in love with you! You are her forever guy. She can't even kiss or imagine anyone else but you. She has never wanted anyone but you. She is absolutely, positively, madly, ridiculously, unbelievably in love with you.” She paused. “Would you like me to repeat that, or are you finally understanding it?” She laughed, trying to make the moment less severe.