by Jenna Jacob
“Obviously, I’ve upset you. I’m sorry, Sam. That wasn’t my intention.”
“No?” The tone of his question was caustic. “I’m definitely not doing somersaults and cartwheels, that’s for damn sure. Tell me something. Is the arrival of your brother a convenient excuse for you to keep from moving in with me?”
“I wouldn’t call it an excuse, but it alleviates me having to haul all my stuff to your place for a few short days.”
“This isn’t about your brother, Cin. This is about pride.”
“You’re wrong, Sam. And what’s so wrong with having a little pride? I’ve relied on it for years, and it hasn’t failed me yet.”
“So have I, but I don’t let it define who I am.”
“Neither do I,” I huffed, wishing he’d simply relent and give all this moving-in nonsense a rest.
“What if I hadn’t intended you stay with me for a few short days? What if I was hoping you’d remain with me permanently?”
He wanted me to literally move in with him…forever? No. Did he really just say that? But the air freezing in my lungs, the skittering of my heart, and the dizzying wave that crested through me confirmed I had heard him correctly.
“But…why? Why didn’t you at least talk to me about that? I…I… You can’t just spring this on me, Sam. That’s not fair.”
“No. Having the chance to live with you ripped out from under me isn’t fair. I’ve done everything in my power to prove myself to you. Show you that you can trust me. That I’m not just some prick who keeps you around to fuck when I get the urge. I opened my soul to you so you can see how invested I am in our relationship. But you keep shutting me out. Keep closing doors in my face. How many more do I have to kick in before you’ll finally believe that I truly care about you?” Sam growled, then sucked in a ragged breath.
Tears stung my eyes. My throat constricted. And my heart felt as if it were breaking apart.
“I’m—”
“Yes. I know. You’re sorry. So am I,” he replied dolefully. “I’m going to head back to the office. I’ll have to take a rain check on dinner tonight. I need a couple days to think.”
“Sam,” I cried out on a sob. “Wait.”
“No. Give me a couple of days. You enjoy your time with your brother. But keep an eye out for Darnell. I have a feeling he hasn’t accomplished whatever it is he set out to do. But I want you to stay safe. I’ll talk to you soon.”
Without saying good-bye, Sam hung up.
“No. No. No,” I screamed.
Tears rushed down my face as a penetrating numbness swallowed me whole. Sam had thrown in the towel. He’d jumped through hoops for me, over and over again. But I’d been too stupid to see what was right in front of me. I’d been so focused on protecting my pride, my stupid independence, and my fragile self-confidence. But from what? The only thing I’d managed to keep from seeping inside my walls was the chance for true happiness.
Bullshit, my inner voice scoffed. You were ready to toss him to the curb a few days ago. You didn’t trust him. You still don’t…not fully, or you’d have jumped at the chance to move in with him. You’re still waiting for Sam to do something vile and humiliating, like Darnell. Remember what Liz said: “Sam isn’t Darnell.” You know it, too. Hell, they’re not even in the same ballpark. Same planet. Yet he’s still paying the price for Darnell’s deceit. Well, are you happy now? You’re all alone—again, but you’ve got your fucking stubborn pride to keep you warm. Priceless.
The ring of my cell phone pulled me from the come-to-jesus meeting my psyche had called.
I palmed my tears, sending up a silent prayer that Sam had changed his mind. But all my hopes sailed out the window when I glanced at the caller ID.
Quickly pulling myself together, I sucked in a shaky breath, sniffed, then answered. “Have you landed already, Matti?” I asked in a forced cheerful tone.
“Not yet, but things have gone crazy…crazy fantastic but… Dammit. I’m sorry Cin, as soon as we land, I need to grab the next available flight to San Francisco.”
“What? No,” I sniffed. “Why?”
The universe was playing some kind of cosmic joke on me.
“One of my premiere clients is ready to update his group’s entire neuroradiology departments. We’re talking twenty-seven hospitals.” I couldn’t miss the excitement in his voice. A wan smile tugged my lips. “So, I guess you’ll be bunking over at Sam’s after all. I’m sure you’re heartbroken about that,” he teased with a chuckle. “I’ll plan a layover on my way back to New York when this job’s done, okay? Oops. We’re getting ready to land. Love you, baby sis. Talk to you soon.”
“Love you too, Matti,” I replied, then hung up.
Turning off my phone, I curled up on the bed as tears spilled from my eyes. Matti was wrong. My heart was breaking. Breaking because I’d been a fool, fooling no one but myself. I feared there was no way to repair my failures with Sam. Why would he purposely lay his heart out for me once more when all I’d done, all along, was step on it? Over and over again. At least he’d been kind. He hadn’t ended it all with a wicked, ugly fight. So why did this way seem even worse? Because he still cared—at least for my physical well-being.
“Oh, god. I always worried that Sam would end up hurting me, like Darnell had. But neither of them can hold a candle to the pain I self-inflicted,” I sobbed.
When I’d cried all the tears I could, I crawled out of bed and washed my face. The numbness had returned. I felt as if I were a walking zombie with a massive hole in my chest. Gone was my heart. Ripped out by my own hands because of my inability to trust and ineffectual martyrdom. Standing at the sink, I studied my reflection in the mirror. No longer cloaked behind a false bravado of self-assurance and confidence, was the real Allisinda. The mask that had hidden the insecure, scared little girl who’d spent her whole life craving unconditional love and approval had fallen away.
You mean the kind that Sam offered…the kind you refused to accept?
Covered in a dark cloud of depression, I spent the rest of the day in bed. Sleeping was the only way I could find respite for my shattered soul. But a body could only sleep so much. And at three in the morning, I was wide-awake, unable to escape the pain stabbing my heart. As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I wondered what Sam was doing. Was he sleeping, content with his decision? Or was his gut churning and heart breaking, like mine?
I rolled over and picked my phone off the nightstand, then stared at his number. I spent an hour fighting the urge to ring him up, to hear his raspy voice settle over me and relieve the burning emptiness that consumed me. But I couldn’t bring myself to disregard his wishes. He wanted time to think, or so he’d said. Maybe that was just his compassionate way of letting me down easily. Maybe he’d already made up his mind. Had he finally realized that I was too damaged beyond repair? Too broken and fractured for even his masterful hands to suture back together?
When I finally decided to leave my bed, my body felt as if it weighed a ton. Wandering aimlessly through my apartment, I could feel the veil of sadness settle deeper, feel the emptiness inside me expand. This wasn’t anything like I’d envisioned when I’d been the one deciding to end things. Yet I knew in my heart it would have hurt exactly this same way I’d simply been too naïve to realize that fact. Somehow I’d convinced myself that if I were the one in control, losing Sam wouldn’t affect me to such a degree. This was more than embarrassment or humiliation under the scrutiny of my disconnected parents and artificial friends. This was pain on a level I’d never known existed.
I wondered if I could weather this storm. Would I come out on the other side with my sails intact? I had no clue. A saying by Haruki Murakami suddenly swirled in my mind: When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm’s all about.
Everything I projected myself to be had been a lie. A lie I’d told myself each and every day, thinking that was the only way I could survive. I’d built walls around me to
mask weakness. But now those walls had been destroyed. The thought of having to reconstruct those barriers all over again was far too daunting, as was the idea of reinventing myself to keep from becoming a clone of my mother. I felt more naked and exposed than ever before in my life.
Who was the real Allisinda Dayea Noland?
Did I possess the courage to find out?
Where did I even begin?
Why was I so terrified of what I might find?
The woman inside me was nothing but a stranger.
Curling up on the couch, I cried myself back to sleep.
~
I spent the next two days lost in surging waves of anger and pride, longing and sorrow, regret and guilt. The weight of so many emotions pulled me down with such force I feared I would be crushed to dust. Forced to peel back my emotions, I began to analyze all the feelings Sam conjured within me. Sadly, it was then I discovered I’d been to blame for most everything. The revelation only served to send me on a long, slow slide into a numb, despondent fugue. I forced myself to drink, but I couldn’t eat a thing without retching it back up. I knew it wasn’t healthy, and I needed to shake off the depression holding me in its grip. But prying the cold, bony fingers of despair away seemed impossible. All I seemed capable of was reliving every moment I’d spent with Sam, while every mistake I’d made pounded at my already shattered heart.
The man had been a saint. He’d put up with my defiance time and again, extending yet another level of patience I didn’t deserve. I’d been too blind to see his love…too focused on the expectation of him saying the words when I should have heard them in all the things he did for me…to me. No apology seemed sufficient for him to forgive my reprehensible and childish behavior.
Suddenly a knock came from my front door. My heart drummed in my chest as I rose from the couch and quietly padded across the room. Sam had said he needed a couple of days—dare I hope he’d returned to me?
Swallowing tightly, I pressed my eye to the peephole. My shoulders sagged and pain pierced me like a knife once again. Liz stood on the other side of the door, her face wrinkled in worry. Surprisingly, she was alone. I watched as she raised her hand and knocked once more. And I jumped at the loud reverberation against the wood.
“Come on, Cin. I know you’re in there. It’s me, Liz. I need to know you’re all right. My calls keep going straight to your voicemail. I know what happened with you and Sam. Now open up. Matti? If you’re in there, open the door, sugar. I’ll take the beating Cin has no doubt threatened to give you.”
Dropping my gaze to the floor, I turned and silently walked back to the couch.
Liz continued to drum on the door and call out to me. I didn’t have the emotional strength to talk to her about anything at that moment.
“Dammit, Cin. Open this fucking door right now!”
Covering my ears, I curled into a ball and squeezed my eyes shut. The next thing I knew, Liz was pulling me into her arms as tears spilled down her face. In my fog of misery, I semi-remembered I’d given Liz a key to my place.
“Oh, baby…look at you. You’re a mess,” she whispered.
A whole new flood I didn’t know was locked inside me burst free. I held onto her and cried like a newborn baby.
“Why didn’t you call me?” Liz murmured as she brushed the hair from my face.
I couldn’t even answer, only sob.
“Shhh, it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay,” she whispered, rocking me back and forth with one arm while she pulled out her cell phone and made a call.
“D-don’t call Sam,” I begged, suddenly filled with panic.
“I’m not, sugar…I’m just calling Ian to let him know where I’m at. Where’s your brother?”
“He…he didn’t come. San Francisco.” I sucked in a shallow breath and whimpered, “Don’t call Sam. Please. Don’t call Sam.”
“I’m not. I swear.” A minute later, she spoke into the phone. “I need help.”
“No. I don’t w-want anyone to see m-me like th-this,” I choked.
Seconds later, Ian entered the room, his face lined in a tight frown and his eyes filled with pity.
“I don’t want y-you here,” I sobbed.
In two long strides, he was beside the couch. Bending, he cupped his palm to the back of my neck. He sat down on the couch, then pulled me up into his lap. “I don’t care what you want, little one. I know what you need. Please shut the front door, pet, then make us some hot tea.”
“Yes, Master,” Liz replied before following his instruction.
Ian didn’t say another word, simply held me against his chest until my tears dried up. He took a cup of tea from Liz as she sat down and stroked my hair.
“Here, I want you to take a of sip of this for me,” Ian instructed. As I complied, he issued a tiny nod and a tight smile. “When was the last time you ate something, girl?”
He was in full-on Dom mode, which made the fact that I was in his arms somewhat less awkward. The kindness he extended was sweet. Ian always struck me as far stricter than James.
“I can’t keep anything down,” I confessed.
Ian nodded. “Okay, here’s the deal. Do you have any soup?”
“Yes. Chicken noodle.”
“Good. I’ll have Liz heat up some of the broth. You eat that and keep it down and I won’t call Sam.”
I jerked my head up and pinned him with an incredulous stare.
“The choice is yours, girl. It’s been yours from the very start.”
I knew immediately Ian wasn’t talking about soup but rather the horrible way I’d treated Sam. “All right,” I whispered.
“Pet?”
“On it, Master.”
“No offense, little one. But you could use a shower.” Ian smiled.
“I’m sorry.”
He softly chuckled. “Good girl. That’s a start.”
My body tensed. “Please don’t call me that… Don’t call me good girl. Sam…”
“Very well. I understand. What I don’t understand is why you haven’t reached out to any of us. Not Liz, Sam…no one. You’re part of our family now, Cin.”
“I-I needed to…to strip myself down. To see who I am beneath all the…bullshit.”
“I see. But watch your language, little one. I know Sam would want you to refrain.”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter anymore. He doesn’t want me.”
“Oh?” Ian arched his brows. “He said that to you, did he?”
“He didn’t have to. I shoved him away, again…like I always do. He was tired of trying to reach me…tired of fighting me.”
“You know, Cin. Part of any relationship is good communication. But in the Dom/sub dynamic, it’s a must. You mentioned stripping yourself down. What have you discovered along the way?”
“Nothing.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m nothing. I’m a fake…a phony. Someone who put on airs, just like my mother, but mine weren’t meant to impress, they were meant to deflect.”
“Well, I know without a shadow of a doubt you are far more than nothing. The feistiness inside you isn’t all for protection. It’s part of your personality…the part that Sam fell in love with. The part he still loves. Never lose that, Cin. It will help you discover what you truly want…what’s deep inside your heart.”
“All I want is Sam, but it’s too late for that now. I’ve screwed things up past the point of no return.”
Ian cocked his head and studied me for several long, silent minutes. “If you had the chance to fix things between you and Sam, how far would you be willing to go?”
“To the moon and back,” I whispered.
“What if you didn’t have to go quite that far?” He grinned.
“What are you suggesting?”
“Tell me your thoughts on submission, now that you’ve stripped away your armor.”
My brows furrowed as I pondered his question. “All the things Sam did to me were…amazing. But I was too afraid to truly enjoy
them. I guess I really didn’t want to.”
“So on some level, you enjoyed letting Sam control you. Is that what you’re saying?”
“Yes.” I was finally being honest not only with Ian but myself as well.
“Good. Then if you’d like another chance with Sam, here is what I suggest.”
Ian laid out his plan. At first, I thought he was insane, but the more he explained, the more sense it made. Ian assured me that the friends I’d made at the club would help me. And when it came time for me to pass the ultimate test, he assured me I’d be more than ready. The only guarantee Ian couldn’t give was that Sam would take me back.
It was a risk I was willing to take because I’d already lost what was most important, and desperately wanted Sam back.
When the soup was ready, Ian led me to the kitchen table. As I sipped the warm broth, he explained the plan to Liz, who simply grinned and nodded.
“You’re going to be playing a vital role in all this, pet. James and I give you permission to do what’s necessary to help Cin.”
“Thank you, Master.” She beamed.
“We’ll work out a schedule. We’ll meet here in the evenings, provided neither of you have had too taxing of a day, and work on what we can,” Ian instructed. “When it’s time to move onto more involved issues, we’ll meet at our place.”
I smiled for the first time in two days. It felt good. “Thank you, Sir.”
Ian simply grinned. “I think you’ll get on just fine, little one.”
After he and Liz left, I took a long, hot shower, put on clean pajamas, and sat on the couch once again. Tomorrow I would be back at work and no doubt running into Sam, at least from time to time. I wasn’t kidding myself—I didn’t expect him to show up on the unit like he had before. And I wasn’t entirely sure how I’d react to seeing him, or rather, so little of him. But I had something inside I hadn’t for a very long time…hope. Hope that even if Ian’s grand plan didn’t work out, I would eventually find the real me. For some strange reason, that prospect no longer frightened me.