by Gwen Martin
He studied the text from Eli with the brand, flavor, and type that he had requested and then peered up at the various bottles. It was too much. Marco could see the letters blurring together and blinked several times to refocus. Finally, after what felt like a millennia, he spotted the fucker tucked into a far corner all alone.
“Ah, the sweet smell of success,” Marco whispered as he reached into the freezer, grabbing for the bottle.
Kieran had suggested that they split up to make the trip quicker. Marco agreed just to put some distance between them, so he could try to organize the tornado of thoughts going on inside of his head.
He was in love with Kieran. How did that happen? Marco had always been attracted to Kieran, and the playful flirtatious nature of their relationship had been going on for so long it was almost second nature. And sure, when Kieran decided to move to Chicago, it felt as if Marco were losing a limb. But he would have felt like that if any of his best friends were moving a million miles away. He loved them all, and they had all been there for each other through so much. They were like a second family. But there’d always be a spark with Kieran, a hint of possibility he felt with no one else.
They only had a couple of more days together and then they were off to their own cities, and their own jobs, their own responsibilities. Surely Kieran felt the same about this. The weekend in Miami had been magical, but it was also like getting to scratch an itch you didn’t realize you had.
But Marco knew he was lying to himself. He knew this as he wandered the store looking aimlessly down the aisles searching for Kieran. What he wanted was to be able to wake up next to Kieran every day. He wanted to have Kieran in his arms at night as he had the past few days. He wanted a lifetime with Kieran beside him, not a thousand miles away.
Kieran was walking slowly down the beer and chip aisle, reaching for a bag of Doritos. His dark blond hair had a bit of a wave to it from air drying after the shower, and a small apostrophe of a smirk curled at the corner of his mouth. Marco’s heart skipped a beat because even under the too bright white lighting of the grocery store, he thought Kieran was beautiful.
Marco swallowed around the lump in his throat and began making his way down the aisle. The cart squeaked against the linoleum, and somehow it sounded as loud as a banging gong.
“Who’re the Doritos for?” Marco asked as Kieran placed the bag into the cart.
“Devon,” Kieran said. “He said he was craving them. But I know that if Devon gets chips, then Carter will want some, so I’m trying to find those weird ass corn chips he likes.”
“Takis?” Marco asked, and Kieran nodded, his eyes still focused on his mission. Marco noticed the small bag, hidden underneath a row of Pringles. “Over there, bottom shelf.”
Kieran spun, his eyes focusing on the bag. He let out a little ah-ha! under his breath, and Marco couldn’t help but smile. Kieran was always looking out for everyone.
They continued to do the grocery shopping, and the whole thing felt so...domestic. It felt like they did this all the time, prepping their weeks and walking down the aisles together in comfortable silence. Somehow, they worked well together, and the shopping got done in half the time it would’ve taken Marco to handle it alone.
And then the reality settled in. What he had with Kieran was ephemeral. They would have their fun and then go back to their lives in separate cities, in separate states. Everything had an expiration date. Marco could learn to accept that.
He couldn’t accept the potential of rejection.
Once this vacation was over, once the wonder was gone, Kieran would realize. He’d see how it wouldn’t work, and it’d be awkward. But Marco hoped they’d still be friends, that he could still have Kieran in his life as that if he couldn’t have him for anything more.
As they stood in the checkout line, Kieran reached for Marco’s hand and murmured, “You know, we make a good team.”
Marco stiffened when Kieran’s lips brushed over his cheek, slipping his hand carefully out of Kieran’s grasp. Hurt flashed over Kieran’s face, but Marco tried to ignore it, focusing on unloading the cart and politely answering the cashier’s questions about plastic or paper. Kieran didn’t step forward until it was time to pay, handing the cashier a credit card.
“I told Eli I’d pay,” Kieran said flatly. His lips were turned down, and Marco felt his stomach twist uncomfortably.
“I’ll take these to the car, then,” he said quietly.
And just like that everything turned to shit.
The ride back to the house was painful. Even with Snoop’s dulcet navigations, Marco nearly missed a right turn and almost ran through a red light. The silence was uncomfortable at best, the air between them heavy and awkward.
Marco wanted to park the car somewhere and just get out and walk the rest of the way back. He strongly considered it, thinking about a safe space to pull over. He’d hand the keys over to Kieran and tell him he’d see him at home. Never had Marco’s Ford Focus felt so suffocating.
Just when Marco was about to initiate his escape plan, Kieran spoke.
“What’s going on?” he asked quietly. He was looking out the window, and Marco couldn’t see his face. “Did I do something?”
“No, of course not,” Marco said immediately. The guilt that rushed through his veins was acidic and painful. “It’s just...I’ve been having a good time with you, and I don’t know. It sucks that it has to end.”
“It has to end?” Kieran echoed back incredulously.
“Well, yeah,” Marco said, stealing a glance of Kieran. “Did you think something would happen after?”
The silence between them stretched for so long Marco thought that maybe Kieran didn’t hear him. When he spoke, his voice was so low Marco had to turn off the radio to listen.
“I don’t know,” Kieran said softly. He kept his gaze down, focusing somewhere on the dashboard. “I guess I didn’t think about it much past this weekend, but I figured we’d see where it goes...”
Breathing battled with the hard thump of Marco’s heartbeat. He took several fortifying breaths. “You live in Chicago.”
“Okay? What does that have to do with—”
“I don’t. I live in Orlando. And you live in Chicago. Long-distance would be hard. And I don’t think that’d be fair to either of us.”
“Wait a minute.” Kieran turned in his seat, his face filled with nothing but confusion. “You’re worried about the distance? I understand it’s not ideal, but people do it. And my contract is only for six more months. It’s not permanent. If we both think this—what we have right now—is worth it, we could make it happen.”
Marco ran a hand over his warm face. Yeah, they could make it work, but what would happen when the novelty of video chats and the occasional visit wore off? And sure, Kieran’s contract was only for six more months. But it didn’t mean that he couldn’t extend it or take another contract even farther away, putting more strain on their already precarious situation.
What if Marco took all those risks and Kieran realized he’d made a mistake?
“Long distance is hard,” Marco repeated quietly. The well of uncertainty was overflowing and pouring through him. “And what if it doesn’t work out? There’s a lot at stake and if it all crashes and burns, then what?”
“You’re not even willing to try?” Kieran asked, his voice low. “If you didn’t even want it to be a possibility, why didn’t you say anything?”
“It’s not that I don’t want us to be a possibility—”
“Well, you sure as hell could’ve fooled me.”
Marco clenched his jaw hard. “These are valid concerns.”
“Well, I know this is kind of shocking news, but they have this incredible invention called airplanes. It’s not like we can’t see each other. We live in the twenty-first century.”
Marco recalled Sunday, when Eli had asked about what the two of them had been up to while everyone else went out. He remembered how Kieran said that he didn’t want to tell the guy
s, because he didn’t want to deal with them making a big deal out of it.
“So, does that mean you’re ready to tell the guys about this, then? What changed in the last forty-eight hours?”
When he caught a glimpse of Kieran’s expression, he could see his mouth was hanging open, his jaw working up and down as he grappled to find words.
“Marco…” he whispered, shaky and unsure. “I didn’t—”
Then, before they could continue the conversation, Snoop informed Marco that he had missed his turn and needed to make a U-turn. Once they were on the right path again, the anger inside of Marco had dissipated a bit, turning into resignation. He let out a sigh of defeat.
“Look, it’s just something that’s been on my mind, is all. I don’t know if it’s totally rational or not, but I don’t want to ruin our time together, so let’s just drop it.”
They were finally at a stop sign so Marco could get a proper look at Kieran. There was a hint of something in his eyes, something that Marco couldn’t interpret. He wanted to assure Kieran, he wanted to promise a lot of things, but he didn’t know if he could.
Eventually the stiffness in Kieran’s shoulders deflated, sagging in surrender. Marco reached over to brush back the hair that was eclipsing Kieran’s face, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck.
“Okay,” Kieran said. He lifted his head and stared out in front of him, his gaze distant. A pool of dread welled up inside of Marco, knowing that somehow this conversation shifted everything. “We should get back soon. There’s frozen goods in the back.”
“Sure,” Marco said softly. He flicked his turn signal and began to drive back to the house. The silence in the car was deafening.
Everything changed after the conversation in the car. They only had two more days in Miami Beach before going back to their normal lives, and Kieran took great efforts to avoid Marco.
After the afternoon at the grocery store, Kieran said that he was going to the beach to surf, asking if anyone wanted to go with him. Eli and Devon enthusiastically joined, and Marco, sensing that Kieran needed space, stayed behind.
Kieran continued to be distant and standoffish, opting to go out with Devon and Eli later that night after Marco said he was going to stay in. The distance that grew was massive and overwhelming, a large body of chaotic ocean whirling between them.
Carter walked into the living room wearing another one of his club outfits. He took one look at Marco and nodded. “I’m gonna stay in,” he announced, flopping down next to Marco on the couch. “You guys go ahead.”
Devon glanced between them, settling his gaze on Carter. “Good idea. We’ll text you if anything gets crazy.”
“Your night will be so boring without me,” Carter drawled, and Devon snorted, walking away. Carter called out, “I’ll miss you!”
The front door closed, and then there was silence. Marco tried to school his face, tried to remain impassive, but it was hard. It took a herculean effort to even speak, but somehow, he managed to say the words.
“So, want to watch a movie or something? We could get pizza?”
Carter leveled him with an unimpressed stare. “What happened?”
Marco grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. He shrugged, hoping that the rigid tensing of his muscles didn’t give anything away. “Nothing, I just didn’t want to go out. You know I hate clubs.”
“Cut the bullshit, bro,” Carter said, grabbing for the remote and turning the TV off. “Brocation is supposed to be happy and relaxing, and you’re all wound up like someone called you to tell you they killed your puppy. So, I ask again: What happened?”
Marco leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, covering his face with his hands. “I fucked up is what happened. I got stuck in my head and got scared.”
“Okay, that’s a good start,” Carter said. “But we’re gonna need a bit more info than that.”
Heat flared through Marco’s body, uncomfortable and raging. A part of him didn’t want to talk about the way that Kieran had somehow taken hold of Marco’s heart and confused the shit out of him. He didn't want to tell Carter how he managed to push Kieran away by suggesting their time together in Miami was all they could have.
But the more he thought about the space that was growing between them, the more Marco feared the worst: that he would lose Kieran forever. And that thought was more daunting than the embarrassment of explaining all of this to Carter.
“Kieran and I have been hooking up,” Marco said hoarsely. He hated how emotional he sounded to his own ears. He wanted to believe that his concern came from a place of friendship, rather than a place of realizing that he had somehow misread the situation when all he was trying to do was let himself down gently.
“No shit?” Carter said, his voice tinged with surprise. “Well, I’m twenty bucks richer.”
Marco’s head snapped toward Carter. “What?”
Carter shrugged, sinking further back into the couch, resting his hands behind his head. “Had a bet going with Devon. I said by putting you two in a room together you’d finally manage to bone each other the way you’ve wanted to since college. Devon said one of you would be too chickenshit to go through with it.” A devious smile tilted Carter’s lips. “He’s going to be pissed I won, and I cannot wait.”
“It’s unbelievable that you made a bet on whether Kieran and I would hook up,” Marco said with a shake of his head. “Like, what the fuck, dude?”
“Oh, don’t get all pissy.” Carter sighed, pushing his knee into Marco’s leg. “It was just a silly bet. We’ve been trying to get you guys together for years, so don’t act like this is some nefarious conquest or something.” There was a brief pause before Carter spoke again. “What happened?”
Marco scrubbed his face, hoping to assuage the curdling in his stomach. There was a mixture of shame and worry spinning around like a centrifuge.
“I realized my feelings were more than just physical.”
A long silence stretched between them. Marco felt a prickle of discomfort over his skin. Carter pursed his lips in contemplation.
“Oh.”
Marco lifted an eyebrow. “Oh?”
Carter raised his hands in surrender. “Sorry, dude, I’m not good at this. You know how great I am with relationships.”
Marco couldn’t help but huff a humorless laugh. “Yeah, I do. How did I manage to end up with the player of the group as my confidant?”
“Aw, there’s the grumpy Marco I've missed so much,” Carter cooed, batting his eyelashes dramatically. He leaned closer and smiled impishly. “So, were the orgasms good?”
Marco fell back into the couch, his eyes casting to the ceiling. His thoughts traveled to the heated look of Kieran’s dark brown eyes, the way his mouth grew slack when he was getting closer to coming. Marco remembered those filthy words that would spill out of Kieran’s mouth, his voice ragged and raw like shards of glass over the pavement.
“Yeah,” Marco murmured. “Yeah, they were.”
“So, you like him, and the sex was good. Explain to me how this is a bad thing?”
Marco raked a hand through his hair. “Because, did you forget that he lives in Chicago, and I live in Orlando?”
Carter’s eyes moved back and forth as if he was trying to find some hidden meaning in Marco’s words. “Yeah, so?”
“Well…” Marco trailed off, hoping that Carter would understand the point of the distance issue. Carter continued to level Marco with a stare and eventually raised his eyebrows, circling his hand around as if to say yes, and?
Marco rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. He knew that he probably was acting something akin to a petulant toddler, but it was irritating that Carter was grilling him and not understanding the point of his hesitation. The thing about it too was that he didn’t need Carter to understand. The concern about distance wasn’t outlandish. It actually made sense.
“Dude, you do realize that you could, like, fly there, right?”
An exasperated sigh escaped
between Marco’s lips. “Fuck, that’s what Kieran said too! That’s not the point?”
Carter shifted in his seat so that his back leaned against the couch arm, his arm resting on the back of the couch. “Okay, enlighten me. What’s the point then?”
Marco searched for a way to explain that it wouldn’t work out. That because of the distance Kieran would grow bored with it all, that somehow the interest between them would fade. There was only so much Skype sex someone could have before it became mundane, right? And when Marco tried to find the words to say it like that, he kept coming up short because it sounded totally ridiculous.
He opted to say nothing.
“You work from home,” Carter said, when it was obvious Marco wasn’t going to answer his question. “You could totally go up there and hang out for, like, I don’t know, a fucking month, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. It’s not like you have any real responsibilities outside of yourself. And did you forget that Kieran’s contract is only for six months?”
Marco shook his head, his arms tightening around his middle. That coil of unease was making its way around Marco again, and he felt a rush of panic come over him suddenly.
He’d totally fucked up. He’d pushed Kieran away because the truth was, he was afraid that if they moved further Kieran wouldn’t want him.
“Oh fuck,” Marco whispered, his voice shaky.
“Ah, he has seen the light,” Carter said with affection. “You’re worried you fucked up, right? Well, don’t. Kieran’s forgiving, especially when it comes to you.”
Marco’s face grew warm. “Oh God,” he moaned, closing his eyes when they started to burn. “What if he doesn’t?”
Carter wrapped a cool hand around the back of Marco’s neck, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You do realize that you have three more of your best bros on this vacation too, right? We can talk sense into him if he acts foolish.” Carter pulled Marco into a hug, giving him a big sloppy kiss on his cheek. Marco winced and pulled away.
Carter laughed and patted Marco’s head fondly. “Come on, let’s get that pizza and watch some terrible television show and drink the rest of Eli’s beer. He’ll love it.”