Anderson hesitated for a second, but he should have known Patrick would sense he wasn’t getting the whole story. With a sigh, he admitted the truth. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to protect them.”
“Violet and your son?”
“Yeah.” Anderson had gotten used to the idea of having a son, but it hit home again when Patrick said the word. “Violet’s been in this kind of situation before, but Nate…”
“Kids change everything,” Patrick agreed. Patrick had recently made a lot of changes in his life. First he married, and then his six-year-old daughter had come to live with him and his new wife. “But the rewards are worth it.”
“I don’t know about that,” Anderson said and immediately felt guilty when he looked at his son sleeping in the playpen. Parenting was more challenging than he’d imagined, but the kid was… Aw, hell, he didn’t know what to say about his relationship with Nate. He just knew that he felt inadequate, and that was enough to frustrate him, to make him doubt. “What if I screw it up?”
“You can’t think that way,” Patrick said. “Hey, do you remember when we were at Boy Scout camp?”
Anderson had only gone to the camp one time, the summer he was eight. Camp cost money, so his parents refused the other years. They’d let him stay in the Boy Scouts until he was twelve, though, even if their motivation wasn’t the same as most parents’. Scout meetings had been held twice a week and always included snacks. His mom and dad had seen it as childcare and a free meal. Even then, Anderson had understood their game and known to hide it. He’d never eaten more than the other boys and maintained the fiction that his parents were working and that was why they didn’t attend any events with him.
“Not among my finer moments,” Anderson said.
“What are you talking about? You led an expedition into the woods.”
“I got us all lost.” The ill-fated nighttime trek was to hunt ghosts, after listening to countless ghost stories told around the campfire. Spirits never frightened Anderson, because he’d learned early on that things in the physical realm were plenty scary. Other kids had been afraid, though. A kid named Bobby had clung to him and cried, howling that they were all going to die.
“Yeah,” Patrick said, “but you also got us back to camp. We panicked. You didn’t.”
“I got my ass chewed out,” Anderson said. The camp counselors hadn’t been happy with him, but to the other kids, he’d been a hero. At least for a day or two.
“They had to do that so other kids didn’t wander off,” Patrick said, “but they were proud of you, too. I heard them talking about it. You surprised them by staying calm and taking control.”
“What’s your point, Patrick?” Anderson demanded, tired of the trip down memory lane.
“You know what my point is,” Patrick said. “You’ve got the right stuff in you to deal with any problems. Keep your cool, use your brain, and you’ll be all right.”
Anderson didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t used to getting pep talks from his buddies. Usually, talks like that weren’t necessary. He knew his capabilities. With his SEAL team, everyone understood their roles and performed them. But this situation was different from any he’d been in before. It involved a child that was his and a woman he cared about more than he should.
“Thanks. I’ll call you with updates,” Anderson said and ended the call before Patrick could say more. His buddy had made it sound simple, but Anderson’s problems were well beyond simple. “Aren’t they, buddy?” he asked Nate as he looked into the playpen where the child stared up at him.
Nate pointed both index fingers toward Anderson and then fisted his hand and moved them toward himself. Wait a minute. That looked a lot like the sign for “come.” Was it a fluke? Just an incidental movement? Anderson had shown Nate that sign and even used it with him several times, but had the baby picked it up for real? Anderson waited and watched. A few seconds later, Nate repeated the gesture.
“You got it.” Anderson leaned closer and was rewarded with a huge baby smile that melted his heart. Why did the kid have to do that? Anderson didn’t know, but he couldn’t resist it either. He picked Nate up and got a pat on each cheek. “Do you mean kiss? It’s supposed to be on your face, not mine, but I get your point.”
For the first time, Anderson kissed his son’s face. He’d seen Violet do it frequently, but he’d held back. But it was just the two of them now. No one to see. He pressed his lips to the boy’s cheeks, surprised at their softness and the baby smell that came from him. Anderson knew it was just the scent of shampoo, but there was something special about it.
“Okay, now what are we going to do, because we can’t bother Mama today. We probably should check on her, though. Promise to be quiet.” Anderson carried Nate up to the bedroom and peeked in. Violet must have woken at some point, because the Tylenol and half the bottle of Gatorade were gone. That was a good sign. With the rest she was getting, he hoped she’d recover quickly.
“New diaper for you,” he said to Nate after they crept out of Violet’s room, “and then… something.”
Anderson spent the next hour keeping Nate happy. They went to the windows, looking for birds and butterflies. Then Anderson dug through the basket of toys in the living room. Nothing lasted for more than a few minutes before Nate tossed it aside, seemingly dissatisfied. When he started to fuss, Anderson looked around, desperate for a solution, and spotted the carrier that Violet sometimes used. He adjusted the straps to fit him and put Nate in so the boy was chest to chest with him. The baby was instantly soothed.
“Good deal,” Anderson said, “and my hands are free.” He paced the house looking for little tasks he could do. He jotted some notes in his notebook, all the while telling Nate what he was writing. The sound of his voice helped keep Nate happy. In the kitchen, Anderson reorganized the pantry and the refrigerator, arranging like items together.
He was idly putting puzzle pieces in place and telling Nate that his mama was going to be mad about him working on the puzzle without her when he realized that Nate had fallen asleep against him.
“Finally out, huh?” Anderson asked softly and smoothed a hand over Nate’s head. Carefully, Anderson took off the carrier and got Nate out. He knew that he should put his son in the playpen or his crib for a nap, but there was something about holding the boy that captivated him. He’d learned lots about kids recently, and one of those things was that sleeping babies were perfect little works of art.
He'd just sit with him on the couch for a few minutes before putting him down. Anderson reclined on the sofa with Nate resting on his chest and felt an unexpected contentment come over him.
14
Violet opened her eyes, feeling like a truck had slammed into her. She’d spent the entire day before in bed, only waking a few times when Anderson came to check on her. She’d heard Nate cry just once, so Anderson must have kept the baby entertained.
She was lucky Anderson was there. He’d cared for her in a way that suggested there might be more between them than attraction. She’d felt him tuck the blankets around her, stroke her hair, and kiss her forehead. She’d seen the same gentleness in the way he acted with Nate. Could it be that he wanted to be a family?
She shouldn’t let herself hope, since it might only lead to disappointment. But during their time together, she’d realized that her interest in him was deeper than she’d initially thought. Maybe it was sharing a child with him that brought on these feelings, but she wanted him in her life. Staring at the ceiling, she let out a long sigh.
Slowly, she got out of bed and put on fresh clothes. In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and slathered tinted moisturizer on her face to improve her wan appearance. She eyed herself in the mirror. She looked almost human—not good, but alive and functioning. When she was dressed, she made her way down the stairs, keeping a hand on the rail.
“What are you doing out of bed?” Anderson strode up the stairs to meet her before she got more than halfway down.
“I’m be
tter. I think,” she said, still feeling light-headed. “Thanks for taking over yesterday.”
“No problem.” He was studying her face closely. “You need to spend the day on the couch.”
He put his arm around her waist and guided her into the living room, where he settled her on the couch and even propped a pillow behind her back. She glanced up into his concerned face, trying to see past it to his heart. If she could see inside him, what would she find? A man just doing what he had to to see this mission through? Or something else, something more personal.
“Thanks,” she murmured, managing a slight smile.
“What can I get you?” he asked.
“Nothing.” She hated to admit that just doing what she had left her feeling shaky. Her legs were wobbly, and she felt clammy all over. Maybe a day on the couch was a good plan. “Where’s Nate?”
“Snoozing in his crib,” Anderson said.
“Oh, that’s unusual at this time.” She glanced at the clock. Nate’s schedule had been a little off since moving to the safe house, but this was way out of whack. “Did he get up early?”
“No, he just seemed tired, so I put him down.”
She nodded, having no choice but to defer to Anderson’s judgment since she hadn’t been there to evaluate Nate for herself. It was probably fine.
“Would you like me to bring you the intel?” Anderson offered. It was still in the dining room, which seemed a long way off considering how she felt.
“Sure, that’ll give me something to do,” she said.
Anderson retrieved various folders and the laptop. She reviewed everything that she’d already looked at, but nothing new popped out at her. It was frustrating. She had to be missing some detail that revealed why they were being targeted and by whom precisely. Signs pointed to Volkhov’s organization, but she couldn’t be sure who was pursuing them on his behalf. If she could be certain of that, they might be able to take action and end it. Not knowing was driving her up the wall.
She tossed the folder she’d been reviewing onto the coffee table and listened for Anderson and Nate. Babbling sounds from the kitchen told her where they were, so she got up, determined to join them. She made it to the kitchen doorway and leaned against the jamb. Anderson had Nate in the baby carrier and was emptying the dishwasher. Instead of bending over to retrieve the dishes, Anderson was doing squats and powering up. The motion made Nate squeal every time.
“Are you sure you should do that with him?” she asked. In her imagination, she saw Nate fly out the top of the carrier and crash to the floor.
Anderson stilled at her words. “It seems okay,” he said, “but if you prefer I didn’t, I’ll stop.”
“Please,” she said. “I don’t think it’s safe.” Her fears were probably unfounded, but she couldn’t keep from worrying.
“Sure,” Anderson agreed readily. “We’re headed to the backyard for a bit. Do you want to sit on the deck?”
A leftover wave of dizziness came over her, and she shook her head. “Remember to keep him out of direct sun. Baby skin burns so easily.”
“Do you have sunscreen for him?”
“No,” she snapped, “you can’t use that on babies his age.” How did Anderson not know that? “You can’t put chemicals on young skin.”
“Right,” Anderson said, his expression going flat. “I didn’t realize that.”
“I’m going back to the couch,” she said, since her head was spinning a bit.
“Can I get you anything?” Anderson asked. “Toast, crackers?”
She mumbled a “No, thanks” and returned to the couch, where she fell asleep. When she woke, it was early evening and she felt better. The room didn’t move when she sat up. That was an improvement. She glanced around the space. Nate must have been playing in the living room while she slept. Toys, usually kept in the basket, were scattered across the floor. She felt instant guilt. She should have known her son was playing just feet away from her, but she’d slept through it. How could she relinquish the care of her child to a man who knew almost nothing about kids?
Anderson had done fine, she reminded herself—but he was inexperienced. And what if something had happened? Did Anderson know CPR for infants? Was he aware of choking hazards? He was trained for battlefield wounds, not kid stuff. What if…
She stopped herself. She was being irrational. Anderson was an intelligent man. He’d make an appropriate decision. Hell, he could simply have woken her up if he needed help. But as much as she might be interested in a relationship with Anderson, she could never forget that Nate was ultimately her responsibility. She’d accepted that when she read the plus sign on the pregnancy test. And that made it tough to relinquish control. Tough to deal with being on the run, hunted.
She was just worn down, that was the problem. Worn down and frustrated with their situation. She eyed the intel that still sat on the coffee table and grimaced. Just as she reached for it to take another look, she heard water running in the bathtub overhead.
Anderson had helped with Nate’s bath, but he’d never done the entire thing. Did he know the correct water temperature? Did he know not to leave Nate in the tub unattended for even a second?
She got off the couch more quickly than she’d moved in two days. Upstairs, she opened the bathroom door. Nate was in the tub by himself with Anderson’s large hand supporting his back. They were both laughing, but it didn’t reduce her stress. Nate could easily fall over, and a baby could drown in just an inch of water.
“You shouldn’t bathe him that way,” she said. “He’s not stable sitting up yet.”
“I’ve got him, Violet. He’s not going anywhere.” Anderson wrung out the washcloth one-handed and draped it over the side of the tub.
“He could slip away from you so easily.” Kids were notoriously difficult to hang onto.
Anderson sighed. “I’ll take him out, since we’re done anyway. Do you want to put him to bed?”
“I…” She didn’t yet trust herself to carry Nate. “Will you take him to his room? I can get it from there.” She managed to dress Nate in a sleeper and lift him into his crib. Wanting to spend some time with him, she stayed, stroked his hair, and sang a lullaby until he fell asleep. She had to admit that he appeared to be just fine after two days of Anderson’s care, but her mother’s heart felt heavy.
When she made her way back downstairs, Anderson was coming from the kitchen with a half-drunk beer in his hand. He followed her into the living room, where she dropped to the floor and began gathering up the scattered toys to return them to the basket. When she finished, she looked up to see him silently watching her.
“I suppose I did that wrong, too,” he said as he took a swallow of beer.
“Huh?” What was he talking about?
“I didn’t pick up the toys right away, didn’t know about sunscreen, gave him his bath wrong. Anything else I screwed up today?” he demanded.
“What are you—”
“I told you from the beginning that I’m not cut out to be a parent.” He slammed the beer bottle down on the coffee table. “I guess I’ve proven that to you now.”
“That’s not… I didn’t mean to nitpick. It’s just—”
He shot her a look that made her stop speaking. “You don’t trust me to care for him, and I guess I can’t blame you there, since you know me and my family history.”
She knew what her research had told her and what he himself had said a few evenings earlier. He had real concerns about his ability to parent, but she thought she’d reassured him about that. Except… except today, when she’d undercut that reassurance with every word she’d said to him. She’d done nothing but criticize. Sinking down on the couch, she dropped her head in her hands.
“I understand you want what’s best for Nate and feel the need to be in charge of his care.” Anderson’s tone was carefully neutral. “That’s your right as his mother, and you do it well. We both need to accept that I can’t be a dad. It’s not in me.”
“I’m s
orry,” she said, looking up. “I didn’t mean for it to come off like that. I’m just… the stress is getting to me. I was doing okay until I got sick, and then…” She was making excuses, which she hated, but there was some truth to them as well. She was frustrated by their helplessness, frustrated by their predicament, and frustrated with herself for not being able to do more. “You stepped up and cared for him. You did what a dad does. So well. Please don’t say you aren’t capable of being a father to Nate, because it’s just not true.”
“It is true,” he countered. “Being a mom comes so naturally to you. You’re amazing at it, and from what you’ve said, you had a great example. That’s how this works, so it makes sense that you’ve got it all together.”
“Thanks,” she said. “I appreciate that.” His compliment meant a lot to her, and she smiled at him. He didn’t return the expression. If anything, he looked more upset, lips pursed and brow wrinkled. What was that about? She straightened the folders on the coffee table and tried to analyze his mood.
Oh. The light bulb went on for her a second later. By accepting his compliment that she was a good mother from a line of good mothers, she’d just reinforced his belief that he couldn’t be a good father since he’d had no example.
She caught movement out of the corner of her eye and saw Anderson headed from the room.
“Anderson. Wait. Please come back. I need to tell you something,” she said, making up her mind to share details with him that she’d only told her mother.
“What?” His tone was flat, which made it more difficult for her to continue.
She had to tell him, though. She owed him that, and she was glad when he came back and sat in a chair facing her. It still took her a few seconds to begin.
“I’ve told you that I refused to acknowledge that I was pregnant until it was undeniable. What I didn’t tell you was the complete panic I felt. I didn’t think I could do it.” She remembered her racing heartbeat and how she’d sat on the bathroom floor for an hour, filled with terror. Afterward she’d managed to drag herself into her bedroom, where she’d sprawled across the bed, staring at the ceiling in paralyzed fear.
The SEAL’s Surprise Baby: Hartsville’s SEAL Heroes Book Two Page 10