by Lisa Fuller
‘Tace,’ Sam calls.
I stop and look back, watching this weird little foot shuffle he does. ‘Umm, did you want a lift?’
I laugh. ‘No thanks, I like my life.’
He grins at me and shakes his head. ‘Had to ask or Aunty would never let me hear the end of it.’
I laugh, raise a hand in farewell and keep walking. Everything is getting so complicated.
Day 3, Twilight
The front door to the house is wide open so I stride in and stop. Mum is sat on the sunroom couch glaring. The silence stretches while my eyebrows climb higher on my face. Option one is to just ask her what’s wrong, but that seems like a bad idea. She hates it when I don’t know what I’ve done. Telling her sarcastically that I’m not a mind reader always gets me in bigger trouble but, really, adults can be so freaking stupid.
It doesn’t help that I’ve broken so many rules the past twenty-four hours that I have no idea which one she’s angry about.
Option two is to walk right past her and into the house, but that’s a bit like edging past a king brown curled up in a corner. You’re never sure if it’s sleeping or not, and it might lash out at you for getting close. And the slow edge past is also extremely undignified.
Option three is to walk back out the door. That one is seriously tempting and before I’ve even finished the thought my body steps backwards.
‘Freeze,’ Mum growls.
I am getting sick of this game. ‘Don’t you need music to play statues?’
I want to sigh at myself. When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?
‘Knock off the smart-arse comments and tell me where ya were.’
Panic snatches at my stomach and throttles me with it.
‘Do you have any idea how worried I was?’ Her voice breaks and I realise it isn’t about any rumours or bad behaviour. I have to fight to keep the relief off my face. But now I have an emotional Mum on my hands and no idea how to deal with it.
I swallow it all back and find my most gentle voice. ‘Mum, I left a note for you on the kitchen table. I needed to go up to the reservoir for a bit to … think.’
It’s lame but the best I can come up with. I watch her physically choke her pain down and now glass shards join the roiling in my stomach. Slowly I settle beside her on the couch, taking her hand in mine, rubbing it. She doesn’t like people to see her upset any more than I do, so I keep my eyes on our linked hands.
‘I’m sorry, Mum. I thought the note would be enough. I won’t do it again.’
She grips my hands with both of hers.
‘It’s okay, I panicked.’ Through my hair I can see her staring at our hands too. ‘I only just got home and when you weren’t ere …’
‘I know.’
The quiet stretches again, but this time it’s filled with pain, fear and understanding.
‘I want to lock you in the house and throw away the key, but I know that’s not fair.’
I snort. ‘And I wouldn’t much like it. I’m your daughter, don’t forget, and Nan always said she couldn’t keep you put short of hogtying.’
We make eye contact and laugh. It isn’t funny but we need that laugh. It’s something we’ve always used, us mob, to give relief and make the hard things more bearable. Not less heavy, only help it sit more comfortably on our hearts. After we stop laughing we’re both calmer.
Squeezing her hands I hesitate a long while. She sits with me in silence, seeming to know that I need to ask her something. I don’t want Mum involved, but there’s no way I can rip the house apart without her noticing, even if I put everything back. The woman has the sharpest eyes out of all of us. She never misses anything.
‘What are you doin ere anyway?’ I hedge.
‘Your uncle’s car blew a tyre and his spare was bally, so we drove in. He’s over at the RACQ fulla’s place gettin two new ones. We’ll get back out then.’
‘Could we …’ I force the words out. ‘Could we search the house again? Together? To see if … you know, there’s anything?’
It’s probably the shittiest sentence I’ve ever said, but I feel her hands squeeze back. Mum ripped Laney’s room apart right after that first attempt to report her missing went so wrong. But May’s words are still bouncing around in my head.
‘Homework first, then we’ll search. Just to be sure.’
Fighting my rising anxiety I let go of her hands and hop up.
‘Great. Want a cuppa?’
‘Yeah please, daught.’
I head in and set off the kettle before retrieving my port from my room. I have my books spread out on half the table and the tea brewing before Mum joins me. I ignore her and focus on the maths textbook I pull out first. I hate maths with a passion, but I know if I invest that into the work I can churn through it fast. Not necessarily right though.
As Mum walks past her hand brushes my hair and I feel tears threaten.
While she gets our drinks ready I fight the tears down with everything I have, burying my face in the book. A mug appears to the side and Mum goes out the back to sit. She’s the reason I hate being confined. Mum says you can’t keep a good Murri out of the open air. Four walls eventually suffocate us.
Staring at the pages I don’t see a word, focusing instead on what I need to do tonight and tomorrow.
We sit at the kitchen table, both freshly showered to get off all the dirt and dust we picked up climbing through everything. The two of us ripped through the house, even outside in the laundry and garage. Laney is the person you ask to hide presents and things, we can’t leave out anything – she’s seriously crafty. Other than a drum of dirt and cobwebs, we found diddly squat. Sitting at the kitchen table afterwards we look completely defeated. Uncle Joe walks in and goes off his head at both of us. It’s the only way he knows how to deal with our sadness. It’s how a lot of our mob are. At least it gets us up and cooking the sausages and cutting up the salad. Once everything is ready we cover up the food to protect it from the unending flies.
‘Get us some tea there, daughter,’ Uncle calls from the back.
Mum gets some of the leftover patty cakes while I finish up the cups and take them out back. I’m a bit shocked they don’t leave straight away – there’d be time before the sun goes down. It’s weird not to have Laney there. Our family is broken and we keep right on moving. Like a car that’s lost one of its tyres, we’re riding the rim and wearing it down. Eventually we won’t be able to do that either.
Only after I sit down do I realise something’s wrong. Uncle and Mum won’t look at me. They’ve come to a decision. It has something to do with me and they want to talk before the mob turn up. They’re expecting a fight. Adults are so stupid. I keep my disapproval in and wait for the shoe to drop, already fuming.
‘Tace, we need ta talk ta you bout somethin.’
Uncle Joe is more impatient than me. If it’d just been Mum she’d take most of the day to get there, probably wait until we’re brushing our teeth.
I gulp down some Ovaltine to stop up my sarcastic mouth.
‘Mmm?’
‘Yeah, I umm, we think we’d like to start lookin for Laney at night. Maybe, you know, after dinner.’
I nod and refuse to help.
‘But we don’t want to leave you home alone.’
I try not to show my excitement as I swallow. It can’t be this easy, surely?
‘Why not? I do it all the time when Mum’s got a late shift.’ More shifting and glancing while I fight not to roll my eyes. ‘Finding Laney is more important than someone staying home to babysit me.’
‘Your mother and I need to know that someone is with you. We can’t go running after your twin without knowin you’re okay too.’ Uncle Joe said the words but I heard Mum’s fear in them. I took another mouthful of hot chocolate and thought about it. I didn’t realise Uncle Joe hadn’t finished. ‘We
were thinkin you could go stay with your Aunty Fern.’
I nearly spit Ovaltine everywhere. Luckily most of it goes back in the mug.
‘Aunty Fern? The one with a hundred kids? Where would I sleep, the dog kennel?’ I’m not even being funny. That woman needs another kid under her roof like I need a hole in the head.
‘Now daught—’
‘No way Mum. I have homework and assignments, and I’d never get a second’s peace.’ I can see her wavering, her need to ensure we get a good education trumps most things. ‘I’d end up babysittin, and not gettin paid for it neither.’ Her eyebrow quirks and I’m on the wrong track. ‘I’ll be so smothered in kids all the time I won’t be able to do any of my school work!’
Her eyebrow lowers slightly and she eyes Uncle Joe. His frustration is clear.
‘What are we sposed to do, Tace, one of us stay home to look after you while the others go off lookin for Laney?’
‘Who said I need one of youse? I’ve been home alone most times anyway.’ And sprinting past that comment, ‘I don’t run around town. I’m the borin one who stays home and studies. Since when do I need a babysitter?’
I can see them teetering on the edge but I don’t know what else to say. I’ve done a pretty bad job so far and am shocked Mum isn’t booting me up to Aunty Fern’s after so many reminders of what Laney and I did that started all of this.
‘Mum, you need to be out there. For Laney.’
Maybe it’s my sincerity that finally tips the balance. Uncle Joe is converted – he’s eyeing Mum the same as me: a little pleading, kinda hopeful.
‘Fine!’ Mum sputters in disgust. ‘But I need ya ta do somethin for me, daughter.’ She looks at me dead in the eye and I know I’m not going to like the next thing out of her mouth. ‘I want ya ta look me in the eye and promise ya won’t leave the house while we’re out.’
My mob joke around a lot. We talk shit to each other all the time and practical jokes are normal. There are a couple of ways to be sure if someone is having a joke at your expense. Two signals that you must never ever violate or we firmly believe you’ll damn your soul to hell. One of those is looking someone in the eye when promising something, the other is to swear on the Bible.
I look square in my mother’s eyes and lie.
‘I swear to you I will not leave the house while you and Uncle are out at night.’
I’m going to burn for eternity. But if it means finding Laney it will be worth it. Still, I am bitter. She screws up and I get screwed, it’s so typical. The bitch better appreciate this.
Day 3, Night
‘Anyone home?’ Aunty Mel calls.
‘Out the back,’ Mum yells.
The searchers start arriving in dribs and drabs, grabbing their food and drinks and joining us in the backyard. It’s even quieter this time and it’s killing all of us. Rhi went and got Pop and he’s perched on the comfiest chair. Everyone keeps eyeing the empty fire pit as if it will reveal Laney’s location to them.
‘You know what I been thinkin?’ I say to the air. ‘That Troy, he’s been tellin the biggest load of bull …’ I stutter seeing my mother’s face, ‘since he got back.’
‘Yeah,’ Rhi says. ‘And Tyrone reckons he was out there lookin for somethin but he wouldn’t tell em what. You know, before he dumped them all out there to get a hidin.’
‘That boy said she never showed,’ Uncle Joe says, but more like he is thinking it over.
‘That’s not what Ty told me, Uncle, he thinks Troy took off on all of em.’
‘Maybe we need to go ask im again,’ Mum adds.
I grin evilly and look around the group to see a few frowns, a few smiles and one searching pair of eyes staring straight into mine. Pop has been trying to get me to sit with him all night, but I can’t do it. I don’t want to tell him I’ve met with a Miller, and definitely don’t want to repeat what she said. I look away, feeling his soft scoff of disappointment.
‘Come on, we’re goin to Edna’s place.’
I stand up with them all, following close around the house and head for Uncle’s car. Mum opens a door and turns to look at me.
‘Where do ya think you’re goin?’
‘With you!’ I set my jaw and get ready for it.
‘No you’re not – you’re stayin and cleanin up after dinner.’
‘What!’ My tone hits sky level and Mum’s eyebrows drop.
‘Do. As. You. Are. Told.’
Mum’s clipped tone and carefully enunciated words are usually enough to send me running, but not this time. I step forwards, getting right in her face, when a hand snatches my arm and pulls me back.
‘Okay, Aunt, I’ll stay and help,’ Rhi says, taking hold of my other arm and dragging me backwards.
I feel tears of frustration beating at me and, for the first time in my life, I want to take a swing at my mother. Pain rises up inside, demanding I hit something, even the much-loved cousin-sister saving me from certain doom.
Rhi’s mouth is at my ear whispering. The buzz in my brain makes it hard to hear, but she keeps repeating the same phrase so eventually I catch it. ‘Not this way, cuz. Pick ya battles.’
I relax back into her and she wraps her arms around me, holding tight. It doesn’t stop the evil glare I give my mother, but the woman unwisely ignores it and gets into the car. Pop is already settled in the front seat, eyeing us with suspicion. Mum is so used to me being the good one, the one she doesn’t have to worry about, that she never even questions my sudden calm.
All the mob drive past casting me sorry looks and I stay put, making sure they all see me and know how unfair she’s being.
The silence in the house is even more depressing somehow. Mum has been back hours. She walked in and went straight to bed, letting me know how successful the trip had been. Everyone else gave us a full run-down of what happened, then went off to their places or where they’re crashing for the night. Aunty Mel went to take care of her other kids, leaving Rhi and me sitting at the back, staring at the sky. The moon is weak and the stars are out. It seems wrong that they’re so beautiful when everything else feels so dark.
‘I got a idea,’ Rhi offers.
‘Oh no,’ I moan.
‘You don’t even know what it is yet.’
‘Yeah, but I’m not gonna like it or you’d have said it before.’
Rhi giggles. ‘Yer ay.’
‘Gorn then, out with it.’
She takes a deep breath. ‘Troy knows somethin, but he’s not sayin.’
‘Yeah and?’
‘Maybe if he’s lookin straight at his guilt he’ll admit what he’s done.’
‘What the fuck does that mean? Just spit it out already.’
‘God, you’re a cranky bitch! Fine. I think if we dress you up like Laney, sneak you into his room and tell a few lies, he’ll squeal.’
The stars lose my interest as I look at her, tilting my head and frowning hard.
‘What?’ she demands.
‘Just tryin ta figure out if you’re a genius or mad as a cut snake.’
Rhi grins. ‘Definitely a genius.’
‘What if he realises? We’re not exactly the same, memba?’
‘Pfft, he’s a man. If it’s not boobs or a bum he’s not lookin that hard.’
‘Nice, real nice.’
‘Plus, he was already tipsy when Aunty went over there before. What’s the bet he’s drunk now?’ She leans forwards in her chair, willing me to listen. ‘Come on, Tace, we can do this.’
Maybe I’m going a little mad myself because the more I think about it the better Rhi’s idea looks. Laney and I dress differently, wear our hair differently. But with a bit of darkness as cover and a whole lot of make-up, there’s a decent chance someone will mix us up.
‘Alright. It’s worth a try.’
Rhi whoops before she remembers
to be quiet. I hold a finger up to warn her. ‘But if he tries to touch me I’mma start swingin.’
‘Fair enough.’ She grins back.
Day 3, Midnight
‘How do you talk me into these things?’ I mumble to Rhi.
She’d gotten me kitted up in Laney’s hip-hop clothing and massive hoop earrings, slapped some make-up on to cover the freckles and wrapped a bandana around my hair to hide the fringe I had but Laney didn’t. I looked into the mirror and burst into tears. Rhi let me go for a bit, then quietly fixed everything up. No car tonight so it’s a long trek, which is the only reason I am in my Nikes and not in Laney’s high-platformed strappy sandals that Rhi tried to force me into. The need for speed and silence won that argument for me.
We keep to the sides of the roads, cutting across paddocks and through places we know can’t be seen easily in the dark. When we have no choice but to use roads we walk like we aren’t sneaking around. Rhi says that’s the key. If someone looks out a window and you’re running or sneaking, then they’ll look harder. If they see two people walking they’ll look to see who it is, but that’s all. Rhi is the queen at this stuff so I do as I am told.
Rounding a corner I spot Troy’s place and baulk. Rhi is frigging psychic because her hand is already on my elbow, dragging me forwards. I feel bile rise in my throat.
‘I can’t do this.’
‘Yes. You can. And you will.’ Rhi spins me around and brings us nose to nose. ‘Because we need to know what the fucker did with our sister.’
It’s the most serious I’ve ever seen her and the steel in her body slips through to my spine.
‘It’s all about breath, Tace, follow mine.’
She talks me through some deep, calming breaths. I have no idea how long we stand on the corner like that. My shoulders drop and my heart slows. When I feel like I’m not going to vomit, I nod. As Rhi pulls away, the only thing I can think about is how grateful I am there aren’t any streetlights down this side of town.
‘Whenever you’re ready,’ she whispers.