I feel shy when I take my clothes off. David and I had got to a point years ago, when we’d walk around naked and not even notice each other’s bodies, except for making jokes about his paunch or my boobs. Now, just revealing my body, with all its flaws, its wrinkles and its flab, is embarrassing. I’m aware of my age and even though I’ve lost weight, my skin looks saggy and old and it’s true what they say, everything ‘drops’ with age. Ben, however, being ten years younger than me and a whole lot fitter from having an active job, looks great. Sometimes, I look at him and can’t believe it. His body is taut and muscly; he has chest hair, unlike David, and although it’s not a six pack, his stomach is flat.
He doesn’t notice the things that worry me about my body; he says things like, “I love your body,” and “I’ve never liked skinny women – your body is perfect.” He boosts my confidence and says things like he really means it, and not only when we’re making love. He’ll come up to me when I’m cooking and put his arms around me, nuzzle my neck and say, “God, I fancy you …”
I’d forgotten what it feels like to be fancied. David and I – things had become so routine, so ‘unseeing’ that we took each other for granted and never said things like that.
Now, looking back, maybe I’m beginning to see where it all went wrong. I’d let myself go, quite literally. I’d gone happily into the mist of middle-age and was utterly complacent about how I looked, how our relationship was and our future. I’d assumed David would always love me and I made no effort to help him. Perhaps he found what I have now with Ben, when he met Suzie. I feel as if my eyes have been opened – I’m not just sleep-walking into the rest of my life, like an automaton, any more.
I love just looking at Ben’s face. I could drown in his cornflower eyes.
His daughter is coming to stay with him soon and we’re going to meet up and go out for the day. We didn’t meet up the weekend after Gaz died – I didn’t feel up to it.
We’re planning to take her swimming at the local pool and then maybe to the cinema afterwards, if there’s something suitable on.
*
“Daisy, this is Anna, my friend,” says Ben, holding his cherubic daughter in his arms. “She’s the lady I was telling you about.” They’re standing at my door, looking cold. I usher them in and we go into the kitchen.
“Hello there, Daisy. And who’s this?” I say, pointing to a cuddly rabbit she’s holding tightly.
“It’s Peter Rabbit,” she says. “Daddy gave him to me. He used to hold a carrot, but I lost it.”
“Never mind. He’s lovely, anyway,” I say, smiling up at her. Ben kisses her cheek and she cuddles into him. I gaze at her; she’s just as gorgeous in the flesh as she was on Ben’s mobile phone. She’s got the most beautiful face – huge blue eyes, like her Dad’s, a little button nose and hair like spun gold, framing her face with unruly curls. I begin to think that Grace must be a beautiful woman.
“So … would you like a drink of … orange juice? Or milk?”
“Mummy says I should drink water.”
Ben pulls a face at me over her head. He says, “I’m sure you can have one drink of orange juice, poppet. I expect Mummy means not too much …”
“Mummy says it’ll make my teeth fall out.”
“Well, just this once,” I say, grinning at Ben. “Would you like a biscuit? I’ve got some chocolate ones here.” I could almost predict what Grace would say to that.
“I’m allowed one biscuit. Mummy says … biscuits fill you up and then you can’t eat your dinner.”
I feel like the indulgent grandparent, allowing the child to eat terrible things, but Ben seems very laid back and just says, “Mummy won’t mind, Daisy. This is a special day and on special days, we can eat biscuits and drink orange juice. I may even buy you an ice cream later …”
“Can I have a purple lolly? I had one with my friend Maisie …”
“I’m sure you can. We’ll go hunting for a purple lolly, after our swim.” He strokes her hair and looks at her with such love, my heart breaks for him. “Now, where’s your costume? Have you got your arm bands?”
“Yes, they’re in my bag,” she says, pointing. “Are we going now?”
“Daddy and Anna are just going to have a cup of coffee, and then we’ll go, sweetheart,” he says, putting her down.
“Come with me, Daisy,” I say, “ and we’ll see if there’s anything good on the telly for you,” and I take her by the hand and lead her through to the sitting room. I can almost hear Grace, who I haven’t even met, saying, ‘no longer than twenty minutes’. I know you shouldn’t plonk children in front of the TV but sometimes, when they’re in a flat that has nothing of interest for a five year old, it’s the only answer.
When I see her happily ensconced in front of something, I go back to Ben and say, “She’s absolutely gorgeous, Ben. She’s beautiful. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you, only seeing her now and again.” I put my arms around him.
“I hate it, I really do. And you’ve probably gathered, I get Grace’s rules thrown at me all the time. It’s not Daisy’s fault, obviously, but I feel I can’t escape Grace’s hold, even when she’s not here.” I watch as he takes his coffee and goes to sit with Daisy on the sofa, a protective arm around her, as she snuggles into him.
We try to forget things and concentrate on giving Daisy a lovely day. Swimming is a great success – and the cinema too. I really love being with her; I’d forgotten how joyous young children can be. Her innocence, her laughter and her enjoyment of everything, brings back times I had with Holly and Adam and make me yearn for those times again.
If only life was as simple as a child’s perspective.
I feel sad when they both leave to go back to Ben’s place to sleep. Daisy’s made me feel unsettled and I’m dwelling on the past too much. I’ve got to look forward, I’ve got to make a future. When I see Ben struggling with his present and his uncertain future, I realise that I’m not so badly off.
I’ve got Australia to look forward to
Chapter Nineteen
“Do you want me to take you to the airport on Friday? It’ll be much easier than getting a train.” We’re in my flat, cuddled up on the sofa and he kisses my head, gently, and strokes my arm.
I hesitate. I’d love Ben to take me, but am I taking advantage? It would be so much more fun if he came and if I’m honest, a lot easier being taken in a car, instead of struggling with cases on public transport. Also, I want to spend my last few hours in England with him.
“Well? I’m very happy to, you know that. What time’s the flight?”
“9.05. It would be an early start for you …”
“I don’t mind. Really. Early mornings aren’t a problem for me. You know me, up with the lark, unlike someone I could mention,” he smiles. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you, too,” I say, and mean it. I smile at him and squeeze his hand. “It’s come round really quickly. It’s felt ages away for so long …”
“You’re going to have an amazing time. You deserve it, Anna. You’ve had a difficult few months and now it’s your time. I’ll still be here when you get back.”
I look at him. It seems wrong to be leaving him when we’ve been together for such a short time, but … it won’t be forever and if it’s meant to be, he’ll wait for me. If it’s not meant to be … well … that’ll be the end of it.
It’s Monday evening – four nights left to be with him. Our nights together are now much more regular and I’m sure that he’ll stay for the next four.
“Okay, then, if you’re sure. It would be lovely.”
“That’s a deal then. Have you done your online visa thing, yet?”
“All sorted. I had a horrible moment the other day when I suddenly wondered if my passport was in date – but it was, of course. I’m being super efficient – all the paperwork for this trip is in a special folder. I’ve even nearly finished packing my main bag – it’s hard to imagine needing summer clothe
s in March.”
“What will the temperatures be like then?”
“Well, around twenty-five degrees. Not hot by Australian standards, but a very pleasant English summer’s day … it’ll get cooler as the holiday goes on, as it’s going into their autumn … so I’ve had to think of warmer things, layers and …”
“Swimming costumes?”
“Yes, got three of those … but I’m not convinced I’ll go in the sea. Maybe a pool, if there’s one.”
“Have you heard from Adam about when he’s coming?”
“Yes, he’s even bought his ticket. God, I can’t wait to see him.”
My mind wanders off – I try to ‘see’ Adam as he is now. I’m sure I’ll notice a huge difference in him. He sounds so much more mature in his messages. “He’s going to stay for a few days. It’ll be such a treat.”
I show Ben the latest selfie of Adam on Facebook. “He looks so much like you, it’s uncanny,” he says, scrutinising the photo. “He’s got exactly the same smile.”
“Poor chap,” I say, laughing. “Don’t tell him, when you meet him.”
The significance of what I say, hits me – implying so many things: that Adam will come back to England … that Ben will be around in the future … that we’ll still be together.
“I hope I meet him, one day,” he says, handing me back my phone. “And Holly. Do they know about me?”
“Well … I’ve talked to Holly about you. She’s always so funny about it. She’s been egging me on, teasing me, asking questions. She thinks it’s funny that you’re younger than me. She seems to think you’re my toy boy, or something. But I haven’t said too much … I wasn’t sure where this was going and I didn’t want to build her hopes up. She’s so desperate for me to be happy.”
Ben turns the volume of the TV down with the remote and stands up. I wonder what he’s doing or what he’s going to say. He goes out into the kitchen and comes back with two glasses and a bottle of champagne. “I bought this, this afternoon … I thought we’d treat ourselves and celebrate your imminent adventure.”
“Wow! That’s so nice of you, Ben.” He peels off the foil around the top of the bottle and after a few seconds, he pull the cork out, with a loud pop. Gaz comes into my mind – he was always terrified of corks popping, poor thing – I quickly grab a glass to catch the liquid pouring out and then he fills the rest of the glass and the other one. We stand, facing each other.
“So, a toast to … Anna’s Australian Adventure,” he says, laughing and raising his glass to touch mine. “And here’s hoping you have an amazing time.” He leans forward and kisses me on the mouth. I can taste the fizz on his lips and savour the moment. We both swig from our glasses. It’s taken a long time to get here, but at this precise moment, life is good. I’ve come a long way from that dark day in the park, when my world collapsed. I wonder briefly how Ben sees the future. Am I in it or is this his way of waving me off into the sunset?
“And I’d like to add something – sorry if I get sentimental, but that’s me! I’d like to tell you how happy you’ve made me, Anna. That day I met you in the pub … well, it was the start of a new phase in my life … I think you’re an incredible person and … I’m just so pleased I met you that day.” He touches my glass with his again and his eyes burrow into mine. I can feel flutters of excitement, joy … desire, in my stomach. “I was so lonely till you and Gaz came along. You’ve made my situation with Daisy more bearable.” My eyes water and I lean forward to kiss him.
We flop back down on the sofa, the TV picture still flickering mutely in the corner. We both put our glasses down and we kiss, the kind of kiss I’d forgotten existed, until recently. I draw back and lie against the sofa cushions and say, “Thank you for helping me in my new phase, Ben. I honestly don’t know what I could have done without you. Especially when Gaz …”
“Sh … shh …” he says and lifts my feet onto his lap and massages them. He bends my toes slightly and expertly rubs each one in turn. I close my eyes, loving the intimate sensation.
“You can do that all night, as far as I’m concerned,” I say. “It’s heaven.”
“Let’s go to bed … and carry on there,” he grins. “I think I’m falling for you, Mrs McCarthy.”
“Why thank you, young Sir,” I say, standing up and leading him to the bedroom.
*
On Thursday, I ring Holly for a final chat before going. “So … how’s the lovely Ben, then? Any developments?” she laughs down the phone.
“Well, he’s stayed …”
“Wow, Mum! Get you! That’s brill! So … I take it, things have moved on a bit, then?”
“Yes, you could say that. I’ve even met his little daughter, Daisy. Did I tell you his ex is taking her up to Manchester to live?”
“No … poor guy. That’s awful. What’ll he do?”
“There’s not a lot he can do. He’ll just have to do a lot of driving, I suppose.”
“What was she like, the daughter, I mean?”
“Oh my God, she’s so cute. It was great to be with a little one again. I hope you’re going to hurry up and make me a grandmother soon?” I laugh. “How is Jed?” I add.
“Yea, he’s great. Actually … he told me he loved me the other day, Mum. I’m so happy, sometimes, I feel like I’ll burst. You don’t think there’s a catch, do you? It just seems so incredible that two people can feel the same for each other – how lucky is that?”
“There definitely isn’t a catch, Holly – I could see, right from the start, that you two were made for each other. I’m so happy for you. Don’t get married while I’m away, will you?”
“Well, he hasn’t asked me yet but … if he does, I promise we’ll wait till you come back! But, more to the point, when am I going to meet Ben?”
“You’ll have to come down to Bath for the weekend and I’ll introduce you, if we’re still together after Oz.”
“Of course you will be …”
“It’s early days, Holly. It’s a shame I’ve got to go, really, as we’ve only just …”
“I’m sure he’ll be there when you get back, Mum. And if he isn’t, then he’s not worth having …”
“Yes, you’re right.”
“Have you got a picture you could send me of him, just so I can see …”
“Yes, I’ve got a couple. I’ll send it when I put the phone down.”
“Cool. Can’t wait to see him!”
After we’ve said goodbye, I scroll through the pictures I have on my phone. There’s one lovely one of Ben, posing with Gaz, their two faces together. I can’t send that, it would upset Holly. There’s another one of him holding Daisy. He’s looking at her, laughing. I try to look at it objectively. What would Holly think of him, if she saw this one of him? He looks so devoted in this and he is a father of a young child – it would show him as he is. Maybe there’s one, just on his own?
Then I come across a silly selfie we took on a walk – we’re both grinning like loonies into the camera. The perspective’s a bit odd, but it’s a natural photo and I feel proud when I look at it. Proud of myself and proud that someone like Ben could be interested in me. I select that one and attached it to a message. Here he is! Taken last week in a park. I think you’d like him … Will text from departures. Love you, Mum.
A text came winging back almost immediately. Mum … he looks SO lovely. Fabulous eyes. And you look SO happy. I KNOW I’ll like him. Love you, Holly.
*
When we get to the airport, Ben insists on coming in with me. I tell him to drop me off, but he wants to come and wave me off, he says. We’ve ended up being really early. The traffic at that time of the morning was clear and there were no holdups anywhere.
We park the car in the car park and Ben gallantly carries my case for me. I can feel the excitement bubbling around inside me as we walk along the moving corridors, past huge advertisements. Being a slow walker, I get a buzz out of pretending I’m walking really fast as the conveyor whizzes me along to
wards the departures hall.
We join the long queue to drop off my large case. I read all the notices about things that shouldn’t be in a case and start to panic that I might have inadvertently packed a knife, a bomb or a stack of drugs. The rather beautiful girl at the desk takes everything in her stride, quickly dealing with my paperwork and attaching the long sticky ID on my case and it jerks off, through the plastic strips. I find it hard to believe that next time I see it, I will be so far away.
“Have a good flight,” she says and I take my passport and boarding pass from her. How can anyone look so immaculate, I wonder? Her make up looks as if it’s just been applied, every hair on her head is in its place and her uniform appears to have just come out of the packet.
“She makes me feel thoroughly underdressed,” I laugh to Ben, as we walk away with my hand luggage. There are hoards of people everywhere and we push our way over to a café. I haven’t got to go through yet – I’ve got at least half an hour before I need to even think about it.
“That was all very straightforward, anyway,” says Ben. “Let’s hope the rest of the journey is that easy. It says ‘On Time’ on the board, anyway.”
“I wish I could have got an upgrade. People say, if you’re on your own, sometimes it’s easy to …”
“You should have asked.”
“Oh, I’ll be okay. I intend to watch lots of films and I’ve got a sleeping pill if I get desperate.”
We order coffees and sit down in the corner. It doesn’t seem long ago that I was saying goodbye to Adam and now it’s me. I swallow the coffee, but when it hits my stomach, I feel sick.
“Will you text me when you get there?” says Ben.
“Of course.”
We’re both silent for a while. Then Ben says, “Will you miss me?”
“You know I will,” I say and reach over the table for his hand. “You’ll get bored with the number of texts and messages I’ll send you …”
He reaches into his jacket pocket and comes out with a small wrapped object. “This is for you. I thought you might find it useful.”
Love Is a State of Mind: Nobody's Life is Perfect Page 17