Reede shook his head. “I’d never interfere in Fallyn’s career, even if Aydarr was willing to try to demand her presence. She’s a scout, not Star Guard or ground troops.”
Tossing the last of the rocks, Timtur dusted his hands off. “And what does she say?”
Reede had the strong suspicion they were going to sit on this rock in the moonlight all night until Timtur had asked every single awkward question on his mind and probed all the corners of Reede’s aching heart, whether the enforcer wanted to answer or not. He could end this. He could get to his feet and stride deeper into the forest, make it clear to Timtur he wasn’t to follow.
He could.
Reede stayed where he was. “We haven’t discussed it.”
Like the healer he was, Timtur honed in on the most painful aspects of Reede’s situation. “Does she sense the tug of the mate bond? We know she endured your reflected pain so there’s definitely a link to build on. If you chose to make the effort.”
“I don’t know. Except for the first night when the Khagrish sent us to shelter in the Preserve’s cave together, we haven’t been alone. I’ve made sure of that. I explained the situation to her.” The words felt as if they were being ripped one by one from his heart, each one carrying pain such as no Khagrish torturer could inflict. Denying his mate, not seeking her out and claiming her was the hardest thing he’d ever done. Longing for Fallyn burned a hole in his heart and body, and was a constant ache in his head.
“We know the human women don’t feel the call right away, as we Badari do. She probably wasn’t in the right frame of mind to comprehend what you were trying to tell her. Hell, she’d never even heard of us at that point and you were giving her a lecture on why you two couldn’t be mates?” Timtur snorted and shook his head.
“I knew. The minute the guards shoved her into the room where I was being held at the fucking lab, I—I smelled her scent. Goddess, Fallyn has the most intoxicating perfume. I was lost.” Reede closed his eyes and relived his first glimpse of her, in the midst of the horror of being held by the Khagrish. She’d been a miracle.
And then when he learned who she really was, and understood the cruel trick of fate the goddess had played on him, he’d been so angry. Bottling the fury inside and not allowing Fallyn to see his emotions had been like keeping lightning inside a bottle. None of it was her fault. “I hated the Great Mother, I’ll freely admit.”
The healer didn’t seem shocked by the blasphemy. “For giving you a gift with complications?”
Not trusting his voice, Reede nodded. For a Badari to rail against their goddess, the only source of hope for their species for over eight centuries of torture and abuse at the hands of the Khagrish, was unthinkable. Yet he’d committed the sin. Was still raw and disbelieving over his fate.
“I don’t think we mortals can know the heart and mind of a goddess,” Timtur said. “She has her reasons for everything she does, or so I believe. So the ancestral memory teaches. The Great Mother doesn’t hand us the life we want on a platter. She provides possibilities.”
“I wanted to be a healer when we were cubs. I envied you so badly.” Reede couldn’t believe he was confiding this secret but it was a night of truth telling. He held his hands out in front of him, palms up and flicked his talons out. The tips glinted in the moonlight. “I used to pretend I could see glimmers of the green healing powers, especially at night when we were in our bunks with the lights out. As a child, I had a whole fantasy built up in my head that if you didn’t exist, the goddess would pick me to be the next healer. I wanted the connection to her so badly.”
“Yet you and Aydarr and Mateer fought the Khagrish to save my life.” Timtur stared at him, eyes wide in surprise. “I wouldn’t be here today if the three of you hadn’t helped me and shielded me. I’ve always known I owed all of you my life and been deeply grateful.”
Reede laughed at his own childish dream. “It was made clear to me I was put here for one thing and one thing only—to enforce the Alpha’s justice. That was my role, my purpose, nothing else. No to heal and give comfort, but to kill and keep others in line.”
Timtur opened and closed his mouth soundlessly, bereft of words for a moment. After clearing this throat, he asked in a near whisper, “Who decreed this? Surely not Aydarr?”
“No, not him. Aydarr wouldn’t deliver such an insult.” Reede shook his head emphatically. “Look at me, my friend.” He indicated his heavy muscles with a gesture and flashed his talons. “We were all designed by the Khagrish to fill a role in the pack. Genetically engineered to be what was needed. I was given the body and instincts of the enforcer, more than a soldier or even a senior soldier but definitely not enough to be an Alpha and not quite enough to take Mateer in combat. Always destined to be the second in line.” He drew a deep breath, a bit shaky. “I envy Mateer’s infant daughter Hope, naturally conceived and half human. She can be whatever she wants to be in her life. Not forced into one path by her genetic makeup and cruel overlords.”
“Did the Khagrish speak to you of this?”
The memory would always be vivid in his mind since it was a pivotal point in his life and destiny. “Oh yes, they left nothing to chance. I was dragged in front of Dottpijjkan, the scientist who ran the program before Ghazhing, remember him? He told me either I settled into my role or I’d be given to his subordinates for their ‘private’ experiments and another soldier in the pack would become the second enforcer. He then allowed his favorite protégée to explore quote interesting and interactive unquote new theories on pain control using me as the subject for a few hours to demonstrate the stark reality of his threat and then sent me back into the pack cell. I knew Aydarr needed me to stay strong. The next man from Generation Eight to step into the role at the time would have been Belic and he’d have been a disaster. Aydarr would have probably killed him.”
“I remember him. He was one of the ones who delighted in tormenting me,” Timtur said. “Until he died on our first offworld mission.”
“The Generation Seven Alpha had him killed by friendly fire during the fighting. The two of them had a private conflict going on and the old Alpha saw his chance to eliminate an annoyance and took it.”
“I never knew this.”
“We didn’t dare discuss such things in those days.” Reede shrugged and retracted his claws. “And here we are.”
A night bird called and swooped over their heads, hunting rodents no doubt. There was a companionable silence for a few minutes and Reede felt himself relaxing. Telling old secrets was cathartic.
“If-if you could truly summon the goddess’s green lights, even faintly,” Timtur said, “I could work with you to try to free your talent. It might have gone dormant from lack of use when you suppressed it as a cub.”
Reede was profoundly touched at his friend’s offer, which took his breath away, but shook his head. “No, that dream died in me years ago. I can’t say for sure whether I did see the power, or whether it was merely a boy’s desperate wish to choose his own path. Either way, the time has passed for me. I’m Aydarr’s second enforcer, with all the title entails, and that’s what the pack needs me to be.” He hoped the healer would let the subject drop because he wasn’t prepared to discuss the past any further. Maybe the next generation of Badari could hope to have a better life, more choices. He’d accepted his role and the heavy duties, there were definite privileges to ranking so high in the pack and the matter was settled. Too late in his life to seek any other path.
Timtur’s next remark went back to their original topic and shattered his fragile, newfound calm. “Reede, we mate for life.”
Anger flared hot in him, which was a welcome change from the numb sorrow he’d been wallowing in when it came to Fallyn. “I know that. Why else do you think I’m resisting the need to go to her?” Was the healer stupid tonight?
“My point is you’re going to carry her in your heart all the rest of your days no matter what you do. I don’t know if a man can find another mate in his lifet
ime—I know there are women who want mutually enjoyable times and good sex but not to find a mate but I can’t imagine such a relationship would be enough for you. I don’t know if you’d ever find a second woman you’d be meant to walk through life with as a mate. As best we understand the matter, the Goddess provides this blessing to a Badari once if at all. So if you let Fallyn fly off unclaimed to the Sectors with Walt, you’re still going to grieve and mourn. And you won’t have had even one moment of the joy of being mated.”
“Do you have a point?” Reede remembered how hard Timtur had had to work to claim Lily as his mate but he couldn’t imagine the healer was trying to rub his status in Reede’s face.
“We could all die tomorrow if the Chimmer decided to blow up the planet and be done with this whole experiment. MARL has said enough times he can’t protect us against a catastrophe of that size. Or you, or I or even Aydarr could be killed on the next mission we run outside the valley. There aren’t any guarantees in life about how much time a man or a woman will have.” Timtur turned to him now, his eyes glowing amber in the gathering dark. “Our people have suffered and died for 800 years. We’re the first men given even a chance at happiness and I hate to see one of my pack brothers push his portion away because he’s afraid.”
Timtur had just delivered a fearsome insult. Reede was an enforcer, he wasn’t supposed to experience fear, much less make decisions influenced by emotions. I enforce the Alpha’s justice. If any other Badari had said such a thing to Reede, accusing him of acting from fear, they’d be doing battle with talons and claws right now, and he’d win. But one didn’t fight the healer, especially not when he was speaking the Goddess’s truth.
Timtur piled more misery on top of his previous declaration. “For all you know, you’re making Fallyn suffer as well. You’re certainly depriving her of a choice she should be allowed to make. Mating is a two way bond—who said you get to make the decision for her? You think you know what’s best for her, but the heart of a woman is a mystery only she rules.”
Reede concentrated on his breathing, trying to regain his calm, slow his pulse and give proper consideration to Timtur’s counsel. The healer brought out a fair point—the mate bond involved two people and had to be a joint decision, so choosing to avoid it should be at least discussed by the affected individuals. With a sinking heart he acknowledged his own arrogance. Another strike against me.
“I’ll say one more thing and then I’ll leave you in peace. I’m sure you wish I’d left half an hour ago.”
“Yes.” Reede couldn’t hide the rueful chagrin in his voice. His secrets would all be locked away safely in his heart and he wouldn’t be facing a renewed temptation to pursue claiming Fallyn.
“Think back to how it was when we were in the labs, before the day we met Jill Garrison and began to have a scrap of hope. If the Great Mother had presented you the opportunity to meet and claim your mate then, I’m guessing you would have done so with no hesitation, even though our fates were so bleak. Basically we had no hope. We took and savored any scrap of happiness in the moment.” Timtur rose and sighed, studying the heavens. “I’ve said this before, but freedom hasn’t been a simple thing for any of us. I’d never give it up but neither did I understand how challenging it would be to have a world of choices instead of the certainty of torture and death at a young age.” Now he gazed at Reede. “I won’t bring this up again but watching the two of you, I knew it had to be said.” He crossed the rock slab, heading toward the steep descent.
Reede put out one hand to stop him. “Timtur.”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
The healer paused and laughed softly. “I had to have sense injected into my head by Aydarr, when I was afraid to claim Lily. This mating stuff isn’t easy, especially for pack oriented men like us. I think in a way he and Jill were lucky because events threw them together and he claimed her as his mate before any of us, including her, really understood the tremendous gift the Goddess was giving us. And Jill, thank the Great Mother, was a fierce warrior who refused to give up on anything, including saving her mate’s life and setting all of us free. And now I will say good night.”
Reede lifted one hand in farewell and redirected his attention to the glittering lake.
He found he couldn’t recapture his previous peaceful mood and with a curse he rose to his feet and set out for the residence area of the valley. Obviously tonight was one of those times when difficult topics had to be dealt with. It was only as he drew close to the caves his steps slowed and finally he stopped. At this hour Fallyn would most likely be in the women’s dorm and he found himself reluctant to set foot there. Not only would it be the first time he’d ever been in that particular residence, which would cause enough sensation and gossip, as soon as it became known he was there seeking an audience with Fallyn, the word would spread through the humans and the pack like wildfire.
Embarrassing.
For him and for her.
So here I stand, the second highest ranking non-Alpha in the entire valley and I’m afraid of walking into the dorm and asking the person on duty at the front to locate Fallyn for me. The sheer irony might have struck him as funny if it had been another Badari warrior in this situation. Could he bring it off as if he was there on official business? Would anyone believe him? But Reede, like Aydarr and Mateer was so high ranking in the pack and the valley that others routinely carried out errands to the humans on their behalf. Their time was considered too valuable for searching out humans for meetings. Oh yeah, if he set foot in the dorm, no matter what he said, everyone would know he was there for a personal reason.
The idea of the valley’s population knowing what was so important to him, so close to his heart, made Reede recoil as if he’d been dipped in oil and was to be set on fire. But what else could he do if he wanted to settle things with Fallyn? Seeking her out in the dining hall had the same sorts of issues and he’d made damn sure his normal day didn’t include anything to bring them together.
Fuck. He was screwed. Might as well get this over with and risk become a laughingstock.
Especially if she wouldn’t see him.
Or was out with another man.
His blood ran cold at the idea.
While he debated, he became aware of a group of Badari approaching from the direction of the forest and next minute the Generation Ten and Eleven cubs emerged from the darkness of the trees and came toward him. The squad was under the command of Ronan, the Gen Nine alpha-born, and two other senior soldiers.
As soon as they reached him, the cubs halted in formation and saluted. Reede acknowledged them. “Night maneuvers?”
Ronan nodded. “We ran them through a few drills and simulations, to get experience with typical night maneuvers and how the situations differ from daylight operations.”
Grateful for a reprieve from his own difficult situation, Reede had the boys gather around and then he quizzed them on what they’d learned and invited questions. The cubs responded eagerly, happy to share their insights. One of the things he genuinely enjoyed was the opportunity to work more closely with the younger Generations than they’d been allowed to do in the lab, and to pass along his own considerable stock of knowledge. The Badari had always held their next generations as the most important thing and it was exhilarating to be able to teach and mentor without Khagrish interference. Enjoyable as the ad hoc seminar was, the thought of Fallyn never left him and tension threaded through his mind and body.
An Alpha’s voice rang politely in his head. Are you upset with the cubs? It was Yonn, the alpha-born of Generation Eleven.
Not at all. I’m preoccupied with a personal issue. Yonn wasn’t his Alpha, didn’t have authority per se, but he was a powerful force already, even as a stripling so Reede kept his tone mild. Does it show so plainly?
Only to me.
He and Yonn kept their conversation going easily, as the general discussion continued among the cubs about a fine point of nighttime stealth in combat.
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br /> Can I help?
The idea a youth twenty years younger than him offered assistance should have been amusing, although of course Reede would have been tactful to an alpha-born, but it occurred to him maybe Yonn could help. Would you mind carrying a simple message for me? It’s to the women’s dorm though.
He got a faint sense of suppressed amusement back from Yonn, although the cub’s words were matter of fact. Of course. Dismiss the others and request me to remain.
Reede let the general discussion go on for another few minutes and then he did advise Ronan to proceed to the barracks where they’d been headed originally but that he and Yonn needed to discuss something for tomorrow. No one blinked or questioned his command and soon Reede and the young alpha-born stood alone in the shadows of the great trees.
“Are you sure you’re not a Generation Four or Five Alpha in disguise?” Reede asked with a grin. Yonn was acknowledged by all to be preternaturally mature and possessed of finely honed instincts and understanding normally found only in the older Badari despite his youth. An old soul, as the humans said.
“Reincarnated maybe,” Yonn said, smiling to show he was joking. “I could tell you were tied in knots tonight, Enforcer. How may I help?”
Now Reede had misgivings. Was it proper to involve a cub in his problem? But he was only going to ask Yonn to deliver a straightforward message, which was the kind of thing the cubs did all day long as runners for the pack.
The alpha-born drew himself to his full height, which was much less than Reede’s of course, but still impressive. His eyes glowed slightly. “I assume this has to do with Lt. Damara. It’s an Alpha’s responsibility to be aware of his pack and their concerns. I may not be your Alpha, but I know there’s something not right between the two of you and it’s been in play since you got back from the assignment to find and rescue her. I saw your demeanor during the healing ceremony two nights ago and how she never took her eyes off you until she was gifted with a goddess-vision. You and she are seriously out of balance and this situation must be upsetting to the Great Mother as well, since she gives the gift of fated mates or withholds it from a Badari.”
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