by TJ Dallas
Althea, slowly. Tell me what’s happened.
I need to find Harry— I started, but Riley cut me off.
Harry can handle herself; I’m here to help you. What’s hap—
She’s pregnant, Riley.
The deafening silence that followed was powerful. I stared at the ground numbly for several minutes before Riley answered, carefully withholding any judgement. How?
I swallowed hard. I think someone forced himself on her when we were in Brighton. It was my fault; I shouldn’t have let him take her to our room. I was just so worried about my purse, and—
Althea, breathe.
I nodded, taking another deep breath. I shouldn’t have left her alone. I’ve never seen her that drunk before; she must have been spiked with something. She was slurring her words and kept closing her eyes, and—
Enough, Althea. Harry’s voice suddenly resounded in my mind, and I jumped, looking around me. I don’t want either of you to say a word about this to anyone else; do you understand me? I need to get my head around it first; at least have the decency to give me some time. Unless either of you have just found out that you’re going to be giving birth in two months, keep your mouths shut.
Harry broke the connection as quickly as she’d appeared, and Riley and I were left alone.
Shit. What do I do, Riley?
Come back to the Cardinal, she replied. We’ll figure this out, but I need to know you’re safe first. I’m calling a private taxi firm now. I’ll be right back.
A few minutes later, the private taxi pulled up outside the hospital, and I sank deflatedly into the back seat. Barely five minutes later, we arrived at the Cardinal, and I jumped out.
Riley had already taken care of payment, and she waited at the front door, quickly pulling me inside and away from prying eyes. She nodded briefly to her receptionist as she marched me down the corridor and into one of the empty hotel rooms. Once inside, she shut the door and pulled me into a tight hug as I burst into tears.
Harry returned to the Cardinal a few hours later.
I’d been inconsolable since she’d disappeared, worrying about what she was doing and how she was feeling, and chastising myself for how badly I’d fucked up. My heart leapt into my throat as she came into my office, averting her gaze. I leapt up from my chair, wrapping my arms around her.
“Are you OK, toots?”
She swallowed hard, unable to answer. She couldn’t look at me, and another wave of guilt washed over me. I held her in silence, my throat closing up. No matter how hard I tried to think of some way to alleviate the situation, I couldn’t come up with anything. She wasn’t returning the cuddle, and my heart ached.
I slowly knelt in front of her, pressing my lips against the soft swell of her belly. From anywhere else in the room, you wouldn’t have noticed it, but with her right underneath my lips, it was ever-so-faintly noticeable, now that I knew it was there. Taking in her stomach, I still couldn’t believe she was seven months’ pregnant. I looked up, but she was staring at the wall ahead, her gaze stoic and unreadable, her jaw tight. I tried to ignore how much her body tensed under my touch.
“I can’t do this, Althea.”
“Yes, you can. If Georgia can do it, you definitely can. We’ll just—”
“No,” Harry snapped. “I mean ... I can’t do this, Althea.”
I froze, analysing the tone of her voice. I slowly released my lips from her skin and stood up. She refused to meet my gaze again. “What are you talking about?”
She pulled away, but I grabbed her arm.
“Don’t walk away; what are you talking about?” I heard the edge of panic in my voice; I was terrified to hear her answer.
“I don’t want it.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
I forced the words out. “You can’t t-terminate it; you’re too far along.”
“I know that,” she growled. “I’m not an idiot. But I still don’t want it.” She started towards the door, pulling her car keys from her pocket.
“Wait. You haven’t thought this through; you’ll feel differently when—”
She turned to face me, her eyes dark. She hesitated but withheld a reply, spinning on her heel, slamming the door and leaving me alone. I tried to steady my rapid pulse, which had inevitably spiked again.
I sat back against my desk, trying to gather my thoughts. She’s still in shock. No one could have predicted that this would have happened. Maybe in another month, after she’s had time to process it.
I thought back to her scan; she hadn’t looked at the screen and had denied finding out the sex. She was refusing to acknowledge it.
Where are you going? I begged.
Out.
Pride
PART 5
Pride
19
Harry
I ran until I couldn’t run any more. My throat burned from inhaling the cold morning air, and my thighs ached. My legs shook as I slowed to a stop, leaning back against a tree. I doubled over when I threw up.
I panted, my hands on my knees, trying to calm my heart, thumping painfully in my chest. I heard the flow of a river nearby and the scurry of wildlife underneath the bushes as my ears adjusted to the peace and quiet. I didn’t get out running as much as I’d like to, and the natural sounds of the outdoors were a stark contrast to the usual chatter of smashed glass and the thudding bass of my nightclub. Birds chirped above me, and a gentle breeze whistled through the forest.
Eventually, I stopped seeing stars behind my eyelids, and my breathing calmed. My pulse steadied, and I finally stood up, resting my head back against the rough bark. I took a slow, careful breath. So. I’m pregnant, huh?
I threw up again.
My mind was numb as I sat behind the wheel of my car. I was on autopilot, barely reading road signs and seldom aware of the cars around me as I sped along the motorway. I discovered myself staying below a hundred miles per hour, and I scowled.
Without thinking, I knew why I was being more cautious, and I felt like throwing up again. I eased off the accelerator, just in case I needed to pull over.
I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring to mind anything about Brighton. Well, I remembered the parade, the drag queens, the T-shirts Althea had made us wear, but I recalled nothing about rain, a taxi, or a man.
I winced as I bit the inside of my cheek and tasted blood in my mouth. I tried to force my jaw to release but couldn’t. I was too uptight. There was nothing anyone could have done that would have helped me relax, unless they physically knocked me out. Every single muscle inside me was cramped, aching, and sore. I stretched my neck out, the bones in my spine cracking.
Taking a cursory peek in the mirror, I closed my eyes for a split-second. I looked around when I opened them. The Identical met my gaze, sitting in the passenger seat.
“Well?” I muttered.
“Well, what?”
I scowled again. “You know fine well what. What do I do?”
The Identical shrugged, turning away to look out the window. She was silent for an infuriating amount of time, and I almost regretted bringing her here. I could make her disappear again, just as easily, but I needed the one person who knew me inside and out to help me make sense of this.
“I don’t know,” she conceded, shaking her head. “You know there isn’t anything you can do to make it go away. You’re going to have a baby.”
I slammed the brakes on and careened left. I almost hit a motorcyclist, and I scarcely registered the ten-ton lorry that honked its horn as I swerved into the lay-by at the side of the road. I brought the car to a jarring halt, my knuckles white on the steering wheel.
The Identical hadn’t moved, and she sat back, inspecting her fingernails. I struggled to pull oxygen into my lungs as cars shot past my window. “This isn’t happening,” I gasped.
“Yes, it is.”
“Shut up.”
“Why did you bring me here?” she asked, rolling her eyes and unbuckling her seat belt. She reclined the seat, settling her feet on the dashboard.
My lip curled in a snarl. “Do you mind?”
She shrugged again, placing a cigarette between her lips. I felt the anger rising, my heart hammering in my chest, and I just watched her, seething. She lowered the window, blowing out a cloud of smoke.
“Do you have to do that?” I asked through gritted teeth.
She nodded, inhaling again. “I want you to be angry. I want you to get it all out now, while you’re out of earshot of the woman who loves you more than she loves herself. If you speak to Althea again, the way you did today, I’ll smack you myself.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“I would, and you know it.”
I slammed the door as I got out. My chest constricted, my stomach knotted, and I was close to exploding, when I yanked open the passenger door, grabbed the Identical’s collar, and hauled her out.
Her knee hit the gravel, and she hissed, her hands flying to my wrists holding the front of her T-shirt. She held on as she pulled herself up, walking me backward, her face an inch from mine. “Come on, then, hit me. You know you want to.” She exhaled a thick cloud of smoke into my face.
My fist connected with her jaw before I could stop myself. Her head snapped to one side with the impact, and her eyes darkened. “Is that all you’ve got?”
I hit her again.
And again. Blood ran down the side of her chin, and I could already see how deep the bruise would be on her jaw. It didn’t stop me, and another right hook saw her drop to the ground. We were far away from the motorway now, sheltered behind a layer of trees, and out of sight of the motorists.
I panted, snarling as she stood up. My hands were still balled into fists when she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
“Done?”
“Fuck you,” I roared, shoving her back. She stumbled but caught her footing and progressed towards me.
“Now?”
I roared again. At no one in particular. At the world, at my situation, at the whole injustice of it all. I didn’t want a baby; I never have. Or more accurately, I’ve never wanted to carry one. If Althea wanted one, I was OK with that, but never, in the twenty-six hundred and ten years I’d been on this earth, did I ever think I’d find myself pregnant. Just the word caused my head to spin.
I turned away, storming farther into the woodlands, but the Identical grabbed my arm and spun me around. I wrenched away, but she was quicker. She captured my wrist and held it tight.
“Let me go,” I snapped.
“No.”
“Let me go, or I swear I’ll—”
“You’ll what? Hit me?” She spat a mouthful of blood on the ground.
My free hand rose above my head as I went to swing again. She grabbed it as it moved towards her, but I started to fight, demanding she surrender her hold on me. I drew my arms back, which merely brought her nearer.
She held strong, edging closer. While we were essentially the same person in every way, with the exact same physical strength, somehow she overpowered me.
“Stop,” she whispered.
I broke down, bursting into tears. She released my wrists as she folded her arms around my torso and pulled me tight to her body.
I sobbed, burying my face into her neck. She restricted my movement, refusing to allow me to go anywhere other than closer to her. My knees buckled, and I sank to the ground, sobbing louder. I thanked the gods no one was around to witness my meltdown.
It wasn’t in my nature; Pride never allowed for weakness. No one had ever seen me cry before, not even the Identical. I’d only ever had one reason to cry in my life, and that was when I thought I’d lost Althea. I’d cried once, and that was in the privacy of my own flat. I’d take that to my grave.
I hadn’t even cried the whole time I’d been dealing with Lara’s emotions. I’d taken her depression, her anxiety, her heartache, and still I hadn’t cried. It had been tough, but it had never brought me to tears.
This time was different, and I was inconsolable.
With nowhere to go and no one else to turn to, the Identical held the back of my head against her stomach as I let everything out, kneeling in the middle of the trees, the wet ground seeping through the denim at my knees. I gasped, struggling for breath, my lungs desperately trying to bring oxygen into my body before I fainted.
The Identical sensed my fear, and she knelt in front of me, holding me tight against her to force back a panic attack. The weight of her body against mine was soothing, and a few minutes later, I felt my breathing finally deepen.
That’s it, pet. Breathe. I’m right here, she thought.
I nodded, squeezing my eyes tight. My throat had closed up, and my vocal cords had seized. What the fuck am I going to do?
You’re going to have a baby. What you do after that is up to you.
I don’t know.
I can’t decide for you. She hesitated, deep in thought, before she continued. But I know what I’d do, if you want to hear it.
I nodded again, sitting back on my heels and wiping my eyes.
I’d put it up for adoption.
A lump of lead landed in my stomach. Could I do that? Did I have the strength to do that? Althea would be heartbroken.
My heart suddenly thumped in my chest. Althea. She had been the one to let the man take me at the hotel.
I inadvertently growled, my jaw tensing, another flood of anger rising inside me. My fists clenched, and my shoulders tightened. The Identical placed a gentle hand on my forearm.
“It wasn’t her fault, pet,” she said softly.
I didn’t answer. In my heart, I knew it wasn’t. I couldn’t hold her accountable, but I also couldn’t soothe the rising torrent of blame in my throat. I squeezed my eyes shut as more tears trickled down my cheeks, and I covered my face with my hands.
This is your decision, the Identical whispered, and your decision alone. You come first. Always.
I swallowed hard. I would put myself before all others, even Althea. It was how I was wired to be. I couldn’t change the absolute nature of my being, no matter how much I wanted to.
I thought harder. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to change, and that was my nature as well. I’m fucking Pride, goddamn it.
The Identical lifted my chin. She was silent as she looked deep into my eyes and quested towards me. She could do everything I could, and I wanted her to look inside me. I couldn’t make head nor tail of how I felt, but she could pinpoint my true feelings, my genuine desires, and she could lay it out for me.
I needed to know.
Thirty seconds later, she looked away. The look on her face was heartbreaking, and I knew then that she didn’t have any good news for me.
Tell m-me, I stammered, my voice cracking through a fresh round of tears.
She took a breath, before shaking her head. You don’t want to keep it. Deep down, you know that if you did, you’d resent it. Every time you looked at it, it would remind you about how you were raped, stripped of your control, your dignity, and your choice. You won’t love it as much as you should, and as much as you’ll hate yourself, it won’t change. You can’t force unconditional love, no matter how much you’d want to.
I was paralysed. I couldn’t say anything that wouldn’t make me sound like a complete monster. I stared at the ground, a painful silence surrounding us as the reality of what we were contemplating hit me like a bullet. I risked a glance at the Identical, but she couldn’t look at me.
She finally stood up and moved slowly to kneel behind me. She pressed her lips against my shoulder blade and placed her hands on my belly. I felt uncomfortable, yet I couldn’t define why. I tried to retreat from her touch, b
ut I had nowhere to retreat to. I closed my eyes, trying to keep my breath steady.
She waited, just holding my abdomen. I was acutely aware of her hands and the realisation that I was no longer alone in my own body. My heart leapt into my throat as the baby moved.
Shh, pet. She kissed my shoulder again. Don’t panic, I’m still here, OK? This baby has been here for seven months. It’s harmless, and it won’t hurt you.
I snarled. That’s a lie.
Listen to me. None of this is the baby’s fault.
I knew she was telling the truth, but I still felt my jaw tighten. A wave of revulsion and mistrust flooded through me. I don’t even know who’s fault it is, I replied bitterly.
An image of Althea rose in my mind’s eye, without warning, and I shook my head sharply. No. I didn’t want to blame her for this, and I chastised myself for thinking that way, even just for a split-second.
We can find out, the Identical thought.
How?
The bar will have CCTV, right? And the hotel?
It depended on how long they kept their CCTV for. Most bars, my own included, didn’t keep recordings for longer than six months. I prayed the bars in Brighton did. I could view the footage and try to identify the bastard who had caused this. The fear, the suffering, the inevitable heartache.
While the Identical had said that I couldn’t love it the way I should, I still didn’t know how I’d react when the time came. The baby was still half me, and I’d be giving up a part of myself, allowing part of me to get lost in the world. I didn’t know how I’d deal with that.
But killing the fucker who had done this would be a good start.
The baby moved again, kicking against the Identical’s hand. She nuzzled her nose under my earlobe, kissing my neck.
Why is it only moving now? I asked, helpless to stop myself.
It would have moved before, but you wouldn’t have realised it for what it was. Didn’t you say you had stomach pains?