by Bree Cariad
And that’s where everything went totally… wrong? Right? He had no clue. Jonathon’s door was open and he walked in to find him standing in the middle of the room with his hands in fists and muttering something under his breath. All he’d wanted to do was help. So he’d walked forward and said his name.
The expression on Jonathon’s face had been so filled with want, as if he was still that boy holding up the wall at a school dance wondering why he liked guys when everyone told him it was wrong. All it took was one step.
Hot lips met his and Brecker received the best kiss of his life. From a man. A man of God. He groaned and put his hand over his face. What had he done?
And even worse, why did he want to do it again?
I’m not gay.
But that wasn’t the problem. After months of spending time with Jonathon and the kids at the shelter, he was beginning to wonder at the black and white judgment of sexuality and its consequences.
Jonathon is my friend. Though he could have ruined their friendship with that kiss. Unfortunately that wasn’t the entire problem either.
He just wished he could pinpoint the problem so he could fix it. Brecker was really good at fixing things. If he knew what the problem was.
“Sir?” Startled at the word, Brecker sat up and realized his door was open.
“Yes?”
“We’re here.” Gavin watched him closely as he stepped out of the car. “Are you all right? I know you haven’t been drinking because of where you were. But you aren’t acting right.”
With a grimace, Brecker nodded. “I’m fine. Just met with some difficulties. I’ll see you on Monday. Have a good holiday weekend.”
An envelope was taped to his door, but besides ripping it off, he ignored it. By the time he entered his apartment, the scene ran through his head no less than four times. And each time he could taste the soft spiced cider breath that escaped Jonathon’s lips as they broke their kiss. Much worse, each time he wanted more.
“I’m going crazy,” he hissed under his breath as he strode into his shower. A good hot shower to wash the night away. That was what he needed. Unfortunately a good hot shower revolved around that wonderful kiss and ultimately necessitated a freezing cold shower to calm him down.
By the time he climbed into bed, he was tired, frustrated, and wishing he’d never decided to go to Jonathon’s NYE party.
“Worst decision I ever made.”
By the next morning, Brecker was in a foul mood. He didn’t get much sleep the night before and any time he did, he was awakened by nightmares of… well, he couldn’t remember exactly, but they kept waking him up and he had the feeling they had to do with Jonathon. But the worst thing was just before he got up, he lay on his back and looked up. It was like all four of the archangels above him and their unicorn steeds glared down at him.
That was not what he needed.
In fact, if they hadn’t glowered at him, he would have stayed in bed as long as he could. But he couldn’t take those looks and quickly left his bedroom. After turning on his espresso machine, he decided keeping busy would be his best bet. Aiden would be a great way to keep busy. He could think about how to get things moving on adopting his son.
One of the first things he needed to do was find a bigger place. He couldn’t believe that Lisa, her husband, and their children lived in a fifteen hundred square foot house. He felt cramped in his eleven hundred. There was no way he could create another bedroom and bath out of the space. No. Before he took official custody, he needed to find a new home. Maybe with a backyard.
Brecker quickly discounted that. He wasn’t a yard maintenance kind of guy. A larger apartment in the building? Now that was a thought. Next week, he’d check with the realtor he bought his apartment through. See if there was anything open.
But that was next week. What could he do today?
“Stupid holiday,” he groused under his breath as he grabbed his mug of espresso and walked back into the living room.
Holidays were always such a waste of time. And yet they hadn’t been lately. He’d enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas once he went to the shelter. And he’d enjoyed the party the night before until…. Brecker groaned. There was just no way to get his mind off that event.
It was like his brain was ganging up on him.
His phone buzzed and he looked around for it. When he came in the night before, he’d tossed things all over the place on his way to the bathroom. It could be anywhere between the front door and the shower. He stood up and followed the buzz until he found his jeans and fished in the pockets for the phone. Brecker stopped short when he saw the caller ID was Jonathon.
I can’t do this.
Fear grabbed hold of him. What was Jonathon calling to say? That he didn’t want Brecker to come to the shelter any longer? Did he want to yell at him? Or perhaps he was reconsidering his decision to allow Aiden’s adoption? All those thoughts made it virtually impossible to move. But the worst one was the thought that Jonathon might never want to see him again.
That told him more about how he felt about Jonathon than he truly wanted to know.
Slowly he backed up until he reached the sofa and slid down over the arm and lay on his back. How had he grown to care so much for the man and not realize it was more than just mere friendship? Was he truly that dense?
Well, yes. He supposed he was. Brecker pushed people away since his and Lisa’s divorce and he never expected to fall for a man. So he hadn’t protected himself. “Look how good that turned out,” he said dryly.
Having feelings for a man felt confusing and terrifying and yet it was Jonathon and there was nothing confusing or terrifying about him. He was, well, he was just Jonathon. Brecker took a deep breath and jumped when the phone gave one sharp beep telling him he had a voice mail. Well, he might as well get it over with. At least he wouldn’t be expected to respond.
“What am I now, a wuss?” Brecker forced himself to stand up. He’d never shied away from hard knocks in his life. And he wasn’t about to do so now. At the very base, no matter what lay on top of it, was their friendship. One thing Brecker knew how to do was be a friend.
He called up voice mail and listened to Jonathon’s message.
“Happy New Year, Brecker. Look. I know things took an interesting turn last night before you left, but I hope that doesn’t put a damper on our friendship. You’re a great guy and I never meant to kiss you. Not that I’m not attracted to you, because I am. But—” Jonathon muttered something unintelligible. “What I’m trying to say, and making a pig’s ear out of the whole thing, is this. Forgive me. I can keep my hands and lips to myself. I promise. I almost wish I had alcohol to blame last night on. But I don’t. Look. I don’t want to lose your friendship over one silly move I made on New Year’s Eve. Call me. Please.”
A rush of momentary relief went through him that his memory of Jonathon kissing him back had been correct. Then he kicked that right back out again.
It sounded like Jonathon thought he made the move. Which meant he didn’t know it was Brecker. In that case, he could act like it was nothing, just a fluke, and put it behind them. Why that felt wrong, he couldn’t say. Maybe it was lying to a man of God. Or more likely, lying to Jonathon. It felt more wrong than anything he’d ever done.
But he knew he wasn’t ready to talk yet. He needed time to get his mind on straight. So he sent a text.
Brecker: Happy NY. Last night was a bit crazy for a couple reasons. I’m busy for the next week, but will call when I have time. If you need anything for the shelter, call Siobhan. She’s fully in that seat now.
Even as he hit send, he felt like a worm. Jonathon wasn’t after him for the money he helped him get. And Brecker’d just made it sound like he thought that was what he was doing. Ashamed, he quickly sent another text.
Brecker: I didn’t mean it like that. I’m confused. And a bit freaked out. I need time.
Which just sounded worse.
Before he could write another, Jonathon replied
.
Jonathon: I understand. I’m probably the last person you want to talk to, but if you need to vent, feel free to come vent to me. I don’t want to lose you over that.
Jonathon: I mean lose your friendship over that.
Brecker groaned. Both of them were having trouble with their words.
Brecker: I think we need a bit of a break. Tell Aiden I’ll come to see him this week. I need time.
Jonathon: Okay. I understand.
What he understood was completely incomprehensible to Brecker. Because he didn’t understand at all.
However, he did know if he stayed in his apartment which suddenly felt stiflingly small, he would call him or worse, go over there. So he got dressed, grabbed his keys, and left with one destination in mind.
“Twice in one week?” Lisa blinked at him from her doorway. Her hair was in curlers—he didn’t know they used those anymore—and she had some sort of dark green goo on her face. She opened the door wide. “Come in.”
He walked in to some sort of freaky female war paint extravaganza. Six women were in the living room, all of them with curlers in their hair and gunk on their faces. Two of them were painting their toenails.
“Ignore them,” Lisa said as she walked back toward the kitchen. “Let’s talk back here.”
It was hard not to look but at the same time, he truly didn’t want to, so he quickly followed her.
When he sat down on a stool, she faced him across the island, her arms crossed over her chest. “Out with it,” she said. Her tone was firm, but the way the green goo looked, he couldn’t tell if she was annoyed he was there or just being her bossy self.
“I kissed him,” burst out of his mouth. He clamped his lips together but at the way her eyes widened, he knew he couldn’t take it back.
She glanced over his shoulder. “I’ll be back in a moment, Marilyn. Wait for me.”
“All right,” said a drawling voice that grated down his spine.
When Lisa looked back at him, he cast a glance over his shoulder but didn’t see anyone. So he turned back to her. “Did she hear me?”
Lisa nodded. “Most likely. But please tell me you did not kiss the boy you want to adopt.”
“That’s disgusting.” Brecker stood up, affronted and angry. “I can’t believe you just suggested that. He’s a kid.”
She leaned against the counter. “Okay. I feel marginally better now. So who did you kiss?” Lisa kept her voice low so he did the same.
“The head of the shelter. Jonathon Neiland. We kissed at midnight last night.”
For a long moment she stared at him and then a strange gurgle left her throat. “You kissed a man.”
“Well, it’s kind of confusing. We each seem to think we made the move. He’s already sent an apology voice mail this morning.”
“And how did you respond?”
With a sigh, he sat down. “I told him I needed time. Ouch!” He jerked back at the smack she landed across the back of his head.
“You told him you needed time?” she said, sounding annoyed. “What a load of bull, Court Brecker. I know that stalling tactic. You used it with me too many times. So tell me. What does this guy mean to you?”
Why had he come to Lisa? That’s right. He knew she wouldn’t let him get away with anything. “He’s just a friend.”
“Bull. Try again.” She leaned forward and got so close he was sure he could feel the green goo. “What does this guy mean to you, Brecker?”
“He’s a friend,” he said through his teeth.
She leaned forward enough her nose pushed against his. “Try again.”
“Fine. I have feelings for him. Is that what you wanted to hear?” As soon as the words were out, he winced. Had he just yelled that?
By the way she leaned back and shook her head, he had. But her eyes were almost unbearably kind. “So what time do you need?”
“He’s a man.”
She snorted. “I gathered that from all the he business. But in this day and age, does that matter?”
“I don’t know how to do this, Lisa. I’ve never had a relationship that lasted. The only relationship I ever had was with you and I screwed that up. I don’t want to screw this up.” The last phrase was almost ripped from him. He felt so exposed that he crossed his arms over his chest and huddled into himself.
“Oh, Brecker.” Her tone was mildly exasperated, which he was used to. She usually sounded that way with him. “If you don’t give it a try, how will you know?”
“Don’t you think I’m taking on too much?” he hedged. “Adopting Aiden will take time and it will take even more time to grow into a good father-son relationship. Throwing a romantic relationship that’s doomed to fail into the mix seems stupid.”
“Doomed to fail? No. You’re just finding reasons to stay away.” She glanced over his shoulder and then back. “Look. The girls will start coming to see what’s going on any moment. Born gossips, all of them. Why don’t we hit coffee this afternoon? I haven’t been out for a java in weeks. Would be good for me. Jacob can handle the kids who will be coming off a sugar rush. It’s a win-win.”
He snorted at her idea of a win-win. “All right. Three at Java Spot?”
“You know it. See you then. I wouldn’t suggest giving me a kiss. You’ve already got stuff on you.”
With a roll of his eyes, he stood up. “Washcloth?”
Laughing, she wet down a paper towel and scrubbed the goo off his face. Once he was mask free, he left. He could feel the freak show watching him until he closed the door.
By Monday morning, Brecker was calmed down and felt rueful about the whole thing. He knew he totally overreacted. It was probably the moment. He wouldn’t have kissed Jonathon at any other time, no matter his mixed up feelings. But it was New Year’s Eve, it was midnight, and that look on Jonathon’s face was so compelling.
He needed to apologize and see where things were between them. Jonathon’s friendship was incredibly honest and it was one of the things he prized most about it. There was no way Brecker was going to lose that just because he kissed him. Mondays were crazy, but he figured he could get away early and go to the shelter by midafternoon.
By midafternoon, he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He’d overlooked the fact there were interviews he had to handle. Siobhan had finalized the applicants for the assistant position down to four people and suddenly his afternoons were a lot busier.
Applicant A was nice enough, but he didn’t think she was up to Siobhan’s standards or passion for the job. Applicant B was decent, but as the interview ended just after five, he decided to think about that later on.
“Please tell me that’s all for today,” he said when Siobhan came back into his office after B left.
She smiled. “You look tired, Brecker. Are you feeling okay?”
“I did something stupid and I need to apologize for it. It’s weighing on me.”
A strange expression crossed her face and then she stood up straight. “Your other two interviews are tomorrow and Thursday. Did you like either of the two today?”
“Beth is out. She just doesn’t have what I need in an assistant. I’m not sure about Tara yet.”
“All right. Well, at least you’ve narrowed the first two down. And, in my opinion, the applicants with the most possibility are yet to come. China is an executive secretary at a Fortune 500 company but wants to move closer to family. And Damari is young, but passionate, and I think you’d work well together.”
“Thanks, Siobhan. Anything else before I go home and crash?” He smiled to let her know he was partially kidding. Actually he planned on heading out to the shelter after getting a coffee.
“One thing. James called a little while ago. The hearing for Aiden has been moved up to tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? Jonathon mentioned Caryn had all but given him the green light. That’s great. Once custody is firmly in Jonathon’s corner, I’ll feel better about the adoption path.”
She smiled and leaned against the
back of a chair. “I love that you’re going to adopt that boy.”
“It’s going to be a long process, but I’m looking forward to it. There’s just something that pulls to me about him.”
“You’ll make him a good father.”
“Do I need to be there?” he asked as he stood up and gathered his things.
“No. James says it’s just the judge, the therapist, him, Aiden, and Jonathon. He thinks he won’t even be needed but will be there just in case.”
“Good. Tell him thanks for me and send over a nice bottle of scotch.”
“Will do.”
He grabbed a tall latte from the café before he left work and grimaced as he stepped out into the pouring rain. The snow would go and the roads would flood. Welcome to Washington State in January. “The shelter,” he said to Gavin as he slid into the backseat.
The caffeine helped settle some of his nerves on the drive and by the time they arrived, he settled on what he would say. It would be simple, easy, and suggest they forget New Year’s Eve. It was a fluke.
And then he stepped inside. “Dad!” Aiden’s excited voice pulled at him and he smiled as the boy ran into his arms. “I didn’t know you were coming today.” Being called Dad should have felt strange. Instead, it made him melt.
“Split moment decision,” he assured him, hugging him tightly before releasing him. “How was the weekend?”
“Fun. We made snowmen and castles out back. Now most of it’s gone, though. Are you gonna stay for dinner?” Aiden’s bright blue eyes twinkled up at him. “Uncle Rolf made spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Sounds good. Why don’t you tell him there may be one more? Then you and I can catch up.”
“Okay.” Aiden darted toward the kitchen and Brecker waved toward the kids who were sprawled in the living room studying.
He kept an ear out for a certain voice but didn’t hear Jonathon. Aiden trotted back out. “Rolf says there’s plenty.” He looked into the filled living room and wrinkled his nose. “Let’s try the game room.”