She could anticipate Kathryn’s talking points, about leaving the past behind and focusing on their relationship in the present, or maybe she was mixing up all the good advice she’d gotten from people in the past few months. She and Kathryn had been almost okay. They were communicating like adults. Conversations were less of a minefield. It was ironic that something that would be the most adult and mature decision in her life brought out a disappointed, hurt child.
“How about a drink when we’re done here?” Derek asked.
Even though she was looking at the dinner with some apprehension, Jordan was equally relieved to have an excuse. Give it a few days, after all the heavy subjects that had come up today.
“Another time. Ellie and I are having dinner with Kathryn tonight.”
“I see. Good luck.”
“Yeah. I can use it.”
Jordan found herself oddly excited when she drove home after her shift that night. Of course, that had less to do with the upcoming dinner, and everything with the fact that Ellie was waiting for her.
She had shared an apartment with Bethany for many years, and from there all but fled to a house that was too far away from work, and much too related to the worst case of her career to become a permanent home.
Permanent. This was it now, and Jordan didn’t feel the slightest bit apprehensive about it. That was a big change. Only one of more to come—no reason to wait for the other shoe to drop.
Chapter Six
There was no doubt that the process of becoming reacquainted with her birthmother had been trying for Jordan. There were reasons for that, and because of those reasons, Ellie was wary of giving the woman too much leeway. At the same time, she tried to keep a bigger picture in mind. If there was any way for Jordan to benefit from the contact in the present, it was a good thing in Ellie’s book, and she’d do whatever she could to support her.
Maybe she wasn’t completely unselfish, wishing she could still talk to her own parents, but she thought she was mostly aware of her motives.
Kathryn was making an effort, she couldn’t deny that. After stepping into the modest home, she gave the two of them space for an awkward hug that pained her to watch, mostly initiated by Kathryn, who next shook her hand.
“Ellie. It’s so nice you could come. Jim won’t be here tonight, so it’s a girl’s night.”
“I look forward to it,” Ellie said, which wasn’t entirely a lie. “How have you been?”
It was a valid question, given that the last time they’d met Kathryn had been in the hospital.
“I’m good. Come on in, sit. I don’t drink anymore, but I thought you might like a glass of wine. Red or white? I didn’t know which you prefer, so I bought both. I think the red goes better with the meal, but if you prefer—”
“Red is fine,” Jordan said quickly. Ellie acknowledged that she probably didn’t care if it went with the meal—whatever was nearest, would do.
“You think so too, Ellie? You can have a glass of white.”
“No, thanks. I’m good with red.”
It was a bit dark inside, but the table was quite cozy, with a vase of flowers at the center, and candles. She wondered what was on Jordan’s mind at this moment…so many conversations they still needed to have. All of a sudden, the wedding date seemed soon. Not that Ellie had any doubt in her mind that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Jordan. However, there was a lot she could only guess up to this point, and that information was relevant as to who should have access to this special day. She followed Kathryn into the small kitchen that could have used an update a long time ago. Then again, Kathryn and Jim didn’t have the means that she and Jordan had.
“Can I help you with anything?”
“If you could take these?” Kathryn handed her the two glasses of wine she’d just poured. “I’ll be with you in a minute.”
Ellie went back to join Jordan who had an absentminded look on her face.
“Here. Are you okay?” she asked, dropping her voice to a whisper.
Jordan laughed self-consciously. “I guess so. This…It’s surreal.”
“So far so good, right?”
“I guess.”
Kathryn brought bowls of salad, and while they ate, she asked, “So you’re all moved in at the new house yet?”
“It’s been a few weeks.” Jordan’s answer wasn’t admonishing, just matter of fact. Ellie wasn’t sure she’d ever told Kathryn that they had talked about adopting Ariel, before Rebecca Crane returned from her mission.
“How are the wedding plans coming along? Did you set a date?”
“Yes, we did,” Jordan said, and for a few seconds, an awkward silence ensued.
“Look, I know you probably don’t want to see me there,” Kathryn spoke eventually. “I wish things were different, but I understand. It’s not my place to ask this of you, but you should know I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
Ellie figured that this might be the best case scenario. She knew Jordan had been losing sleep over this question. The only person, who could and should make this easier on her, was Kathryn.
“But, I’ve thought about it, and…why not?” Jordan continued. “I know you’re making an effort, and I’m not completely blind to that. If Ellie’s all right with you coming, I am too.”
There was another meaningful pause until Ellie realized she was up. “Of course.”
Kathryn seemed to be taken aback by the offer. Her eyes were welling up when she said, “You can’t imagine what this means to me. I…I know we can’t change the past, but maybe I can be here for you right now. I have to leave you for a moment, because there’s still food in the oven, and I’m afraid it’s going to burn.”
When she was out of earshot, Ellie turned to Jordan. She didn’t need to say a word—her surprise at the turn of events was likely showing.
Jordan shrugged. “I want an end to all of this. I know she’s not evil, but she’s also not in a position to ask anything of me—so I had to say it.”
“You’re amazing. I love you,” Ellie whispered before Kathryn returned with more plates.
More wine, too. Neither Ellie nor Jordan had said no to a refill, both of them overly aware of the tension that had been in the room from the moment they’d come in. It was dissipating slowly. If only she could come up with a solution for her case as well.
“This is delicious, by the way,” she said. “Thank you for having us.”
“I’m happy to. I’ve been volunteering at a non-profit restaurant for some time now—you might have heard about it. They teach you how to cook healthy as well.”
“That’s good. I’m glad for you.” Jordan’s wistful tone, given the shared past of these two women, was heartbreaking. At the same time, Ellie couldn’t help feeling hopeful about the future. They were both coming to terms with the events that had shaped them.
“If you’ll excuse me for a moment…”
She got up after Kathryn pointed her into the direction of the bathroom. It was a small space, but like the rest of the home, clean and well-kept, though undeniably outdated.
Turning around, she accidentally knocked over the box that held the replacement toilet paper.
“Clumsy,” she chided herself, as she picked up box, lid, the toilet paper roll and…something else. “Oh no.” If this felt like a gut punch to her, how would Jordan react? As the seconds ticked by, Ellie entertained the thought of not telling her. The evening had gone surprisingly well so far, and she didn’t want to spoil it. Then again, Jordan had a right to know. Keeping secrets, even with the best of intentions, had never served them. Right here and now was not the moment, though. Ellie put everything back where she’d found it and returned to the table.
Jordan and Kathryn were laughing about something, a joke that she’d missed. Ellie wanted to cry.
* * * *
She felt worse by the minute. Jordan was unusually chatty on the drive home.
“Thank you for pushing me a little,” she said. �
�I think this was important. The job doesn’t always make it easy to believe that people can change. Has she? I don’t know, but in any case, with all her misgivings, she’s not evil.” It was the second time that night Jordan used the term “evil”, Ellie noted.
“No, she’s not. That doesn’t mean your side of the story changes.”
“No, it doesn’t,” Jordan agreed. “But it’s this woman you saw tonight that’s coming to the wedding…not a drugged out irresponsible parent. I think I can handle this, and it’s mostly because of you. God, I love you so much.”
Ellie took a deep breath. She hadn’t expected the mood to shift in this direction, and she wasn’t sure she could go along with it. She focused on driving instead. When she pulled into the driveway, Jordan asked,
“Are you okay? You’ve been quiet.”
“I’m fine. Just tired.”
So she’d noticed. Of course. There was no way Ellie could stall much longer, except…After they closed the front door behind them, Jordan pulled her close, kissing her deeply.
“How tired are you?” she whispered, the warm seductive tone almost enough to derail Ellie’s plans. She was tempted, but there was a possibility she might hate herself the next morning, or whenever the secret came out. She couldn’t take the chance that Jordan might hate her too for keeping this from her.
“Jordan. Let’s sit down for a moment. We need to talk.”
“Oh. Okay. I sense this might be uncomfortable,” Jordan said as she sat at the kitchen counter. Ellie filled two glasses with water, taking a sip from one and setting the other in front of her fiancée. It was a pleasant thought. Jordan was right, though, the following conversation wouldn’t be.
“I am so sorry.”
“You changed your mind about the guest list? We need to come up with a final version soon.”
“I know I shouldn’t keep things from you, ever.”
Jordan sighed. “I know Waters can be an ass. He’s like that to everyone, and how he managed never to get fired is beyond me. I try to let you handle things your way, okay?”
“Yes, thank you, and you’re right about everything, but…That’s not it.”
By now, Jordan had caught on her tone, knowing this was serious. There was alarm in her expression. Ellie wished she could ease her mind. Instead, she was going to do the opposite.
“Perhaps I don’t want you to tell me. This evening was a surprise. I didn’t expect a three course home made meal, and the volunteering.”
“Jordan.”
“Okay, out with it already.”
“I didn’t mean to snoop around, I swear. When I was in the bathroom, I knocked over a box by accident.” She took another sip of her water. “There was pot in it. Not enough to sell, but…a stash. I am so sorry.”
“Well, she did manage to cook, so at least she didn’t get high today…”
That was not the reaction Ellie had expected.
“I feel terrible, but I thought you should know.”
“Damn right I should know. Why didn’t you tell me right away?” Jordan got to her feet, picking up the glass.
“I didn’t want to make a scene. I thought we could talk this over here, and—”
“Damn her!” Jordan hurling the glass against the wall, where it shattered, was another reaction Ellie had not anticipated.
“Um, okay, let’s take a deep breath. I know you’re disappointed, and you have every right to be, but this is not the way. Please. Sit.”
Jordan was already out of the room, and not much later, Ellie heard the front door, and then the sound of the engine.
Ellie stood, frozen, for a few seconds, but she never tolerated that kind of state for long. There was broken glass to clean up, figuratively and literally.
* * * *
“Jordan, hi. Did you forget something?”
Kathryn’s PJs were a size or two too big, making her look frail. Jordan pushed that impression to the back of her mind, as she headed straight for the bathroom, finding the box immediately—its contents were still the same.
“What the hell is this?”
“What…how did you…Jordan, I swear this is not what it looks like.”
“What does it look like? All this talk about being clean for years, it was a lie just like everything else. What were you thinking inviting cops into your house when you had this lying around?”
“Please, don’t do this. I was so happy that you and Ellie came…”
“Oh spare me.” The panic in Kathryn’s voice was almost impossible to ignore, but Jordan couldn’t alleviate any fears she might have, on the contrary. From the moment Ellie told her, her mind had gone on a one-way trip down memory lane, and it wasn’t pretty. “It’s still illegal, but frankly, it doesn’t matter. This is it. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Jordan, please wait!”
“No. I have no more patience for you and your lies.”
“Would you let me explain?”
Jordan halted for a moment, already deeply ashamed of the way she’d left Ellie. She couldn’t bring herself to regret a single thing she’d said to Kathryn. It was all true. This discovery brought back every single reason why life with Kathryn had made her feel trapped and unwanted at the same time, and why she was so much better off without her. Both Ellie and the well-meaning department shrink needed to understand that.
“There’s nothing to explain. Forget what I said earlier, I don’t want to see you or Jim at the wedding. You know what? You don’t deserve to be there.”
“You change your mind because of this? Are you sure it’s a little bit of pot that you’re worried about, or are you ashamed of your real parents?”
“Be careful what you say. My real parents are the people who gave me a home, and that will never change. I couldn’t care less about how much money you have, or what you were going to wear, but this reminds me of every day of my life I hated because you and Jim were too stoned to give a damn.”
Kathryn shook her head as she turned away. “That again. What do you want? How many times do I have to say I’m sorry until you understand—”
“No. No, it’s you who doesn’t understand. I wanted to kill myself, because I thought no one could possibly love me. Guess what, I know better now. It took me a long time to understand where all of this was coming from.”
“This is not fair. You can’t blame me for every bad decision you made in your adult life!”
“Right. I don’t blame you. I don’t credit you for the good ones either, because you gave me nothing there. Don’t bother calling me, ever again.”
She yanked the door open to reveal a startled Ellie.
“I thought you might be here. Let me drive?”
“How did you get here?”
Jordan didn’t wait for an answer, just squeezed past her and walked outside, taking a deep breath when the cool night air hit her face.
“I took a cab,” Ellie was struggling to keep up with her. “Wait. I mean it. I’m going to drive. I’m sorry it took me a moment, I…I wasn’t sure what to do.”
Jordan winced at the reminder of her earlier outburst. “That’s okay. I got to say everything I wanted to say from the first moment she showed up. All that polite crap…I should have known better. What the hell is wrong with me? I shouldn’t have fallen for any of it.”
Ellie sat beside her in the driver’s seat, silent.
“I’m so sorry.” It occurred to Jordan that Kathryn had used the same words minutes ago. The realization felt damning.
Ellie stopped the car at the end of the narrow path and pulled her close. “It’s okay. Whatever you need. I was so worried…I’ve never seen you like this.”
If she said sorry often enough, would Ellie believe her?
* * * *
The kitchen was spotless. Ellie, too, had needed some time to figure things out as it seemed. She was still here, so hopefully everything Jordan had said to Kathryn about her was still true too.
“You didn’t have to do this.”
“I know. And I know it’s late, but can we talk?”
Jordan laughed self-consciously. “There’s no way I can say no to you now, can I?”
“I’ll seize the opportunity, then. I need to know we’re on the same page. I suppose they’re not invited now. I’m fine with that too. If a person keeps breaking promises, there should be consequences at some point.”
“Yeah, maybe. I’m sorry. I know you were hoping it could work out differently…but you don’t know her, not like I do. The two of them, though I can hardly blame Jim equally, knowing what I know now.”
Ellie shook her head. “He decided to stay with her, so they were both responsible for you.”
“She’s right, too. I made a lot of bad decisions, and I can’t blame all of them on her.”
“Do you still want to get married?” Ellie asked softly.
“You don’t?” The seconds ticked by in a moment of unadulterated fear.
“Of course I do. I don’t want you to have to rush into something, because this is tearing you in every which direction. If it’s all too much right now, with the house, and work, I can wait.”
“No, it’s all good. I want to. I’ve waited long enough for you.”
Ellie’s smile showed the same relief.
“Thank God. I already bought a couple of wedding magazines, and I’ve been fantasizing about bridal gowns.”
“I’m good with that, and I swear, this was the last of the drama. I’ll keep my distance from her from now on.”
“You’ll do what you have to do.” Ellie took her hands on the table. “Let’s just not break anything else, okay?”
“I promise. Not to change the subject, although, I’d like to. We glossed over it quickly. You’ll be all right with Waters?”
“Yes, absolutely. He can be a jerk, and I think he has a little too much sympathy for the wrong people, but I know it’s only temporary. Carroll might partner me with Doss after, who knows.”
“Yeah. The future’s looking good, right?” Ellie was letting her off easily. Jordan would dwell a bit anyway, she knew from experience.
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