Forever (F-Word Book 4)

by E. Davies

  Jake shifted, sitting a little straighter and gripping the base of his shaft with one hand, his thumb hooked into the jockstrap. His other hand stayed on Tristan’s chest, idly grazing his nipple as if he’d forgotten it was there.

  The feather-light touch gave him more sensations than a hard one would have, and Tristan was gasping for breath within moments.

  Jake noticed. Of course he did, he always noticed these things. He started rubbing in slow circles, his finger barely contacting Tristan’s skin.

  “Fuck!” Tristan whimpered, pulling his knees up so Jake could fuck him deeper. Every thrust of his hips made Tristan’s body tingle with pleasure.

  His cock was aching for more now, but orgasm was too close. Tristan curled his fingers into the sheets to stop himself from following the temptation.

  Just being under Jake would have done the job. Seeing Jake’s expressions made it ten times hotter. He loved hearing the sounds Jake made as his dick rubbed the bumps inside the bigger one.

  “I love seeing you happy,” Tristan whispered. He couldn’t stop himself reaching up to cup Jake’s cheeks, pulling him down for a kiss.

  It was dirty and slow and open-mouthed as they panted against each other’s lips. With every thrust, Tristan pushed up into Jake so he could go deeper and fill more of him.

  “Fuck,” Jake whispered, suddenly looking urgent and focused. His nails dug into Tristan’s chest, making prickling sparks of painful pleasure erupt under his skin with each crescent-shaped mark. “Fuck, baby, I’m close…”

  Tristan loved the pet name so much that all he could do for a second was grin at Jake. When he finally worked through that moment of bliss, he whispered, “Come on, baby. Let me feel you coming. Pound my tight little ass.”

  Every word of encouragement made Jake redouble his efforts, his speed hard and fast now as he gripped his own shaft tightly. Then, his back arched, his throat exposed as he threw his head back and gasped.

  “Tris!”

  He’d heard his name said many ways by many people, but hearing it tumbling off Jake’s lips while his hips stuttered and shoved forward was like nothing else.

  It was a curse and a blessing at once, and all Tristan could think was, Fuck. I do love him.

  This wasn’t supposed to happen, but following his feelings and letting his heart lead the way led him to a conclusion he couldn’t avoid.

  Tristan needed distraction right now.

  He jerked himself off, hard and fast, as Jake slid out of him. “Fuck… baby, that was so hot to watch,” Tristan murmured.

  Plenty of time to think later. He had a damn good orgasm coming to him first.

  And come he did, pushing his head back into the pillows and whimpering as Jake softly ran his hands across his chest and down his arms. His whole world was Jake, and he was utterly consumed by the need he felt for him.

  Jake covered Tristan’s hand with his own, squeezing tightly and taking over for the last few strokes.

  Jake collapsed next to him and pulled him in, wrapping his arm around his chest and pressing against his back.

  Being the little spoon felt good, even if he wasn’t used to feeling a still-hard shaft pressing against him. He had to remind himself that he’d already satisfied Jake.

  Within minutes, they’d cleaned up, turned off the music, and turned off the lights.

  Neither of them talked much as they climbed into bed together and Jake took his place behind Tristan again to hold him closer. By some unspoken agreement, they both knew they didn’t need to talk.

  For tonight, all they needed was to hold each other.

  11

  Jake

  “It can take some time for your menstrual cycle to resume.” Dr. Lume was calm as ever, even in the face of Jake’s frustration.

  “But by now, I’d kind of hoped…” Jake sighed. She already knew how high his hopes were. “It could take months, couldn’t it? Or years? If ever?”

  “It could,” she confirmed. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you were hoping to hear.”

  “It’s what my research told me, too,” Jake said with a sigh. It bummed him out, sure, but it was also realistic. He appreciated that she didn’t lie to him and string along his hopes.

  “Of course, we’ll want to start doing regular pregnancy tests. You could visit me on a set schedule and I can do those for you while we monitor your bloodwork and the effects of stopping testosterone.”

  God, for the hundredth time, Jake was glad for her. “Uh, yeah. Yeah, that’s perfect. Thank you.”

  “How about we do the urine sample first, and I’ll print the labels for your blood tests while you’re busy with that?”

  Jake nodded, and a minute later he was bound for the bathroom, plastic cup clenched firmly in his hand.

  Only after he got there did he frown to himself. He hadn’t asked if peeing through the silicone packer was okay, or if that would affect any of the tests. Now that he’d gotten used to standing to pee, sitting down was more awkward, with many more layers to worry about repositioning.

  Fuck it, I’ll stand.

  It made aim a lot easier, at least. He left the sample in the special two-way cabinet and washed up.

  By the time he was back in the room, he was alone, so he twiddled his thumbs, looked around, and tried not to worry that Tristan was stuck in the waiting room.

  It was super-sweet of him to offer to drive Jake to the doctor’s on the way to getting his car. Jake had figured it was an excuse to talk about them and what they were doing, but they’d both studiously managed to avoid bringing it up.

  The way Tristan was acting, it was a little more than friends with benefits to him now. And frankly, Jake felt some of that same chemistry himself.

  But given what he was here to do? No. When he started trying for a baby, he couldn’t have a guy around to interfere with his life. The idea of kicking Tristan out of his bed and life stung, but trying to raise a kid with a friend with benefits around? Or even a boyfriend?

  No way. Jake was going to raise his child the way he saw fit, and that was that.

  He couldn’t trust just anyone around a kid. And if he ended up infertile from hormone therapy, or just being born without cooperative eggs, adopting would be a rigorous process. They wouldn’t want random guys hanging around.

  However attached he was starting to grow to Tristan, he couldn’t let that dictate his actions. He had more than himself to think about.

  “Ah, Jake.” Dr. Lume was back, closing the door behind herself. She set down empty blood vials on the counter and wheeled closer to him.

  Jake’s heart was racing, and he didn’t quite know why. Something about the look on her face…

  He knew what she was about to say before she even said it.

  Something deep inside, a gut instinct so strong it nearly overpowered reason itself, told him so.

  He knew it in his very bones, and in every inch of him, and he could barely breathe.

  “Jake, you’re pregnant.”

  He nodded slowly, folding his hands between his knees and pressing them together. He could hardly feel them. Even his face felt disconnected from himself as a whirlwind of emotions hit at once.

  How? When? What am I going to do?

  Dr. Lume’s voice broke through the fog. A touch on his shoulder, reminding him that he was right here, and he was safe here. “Deep breaths, Jake. I know it’s big news. You didn’t suspect?”

  “Not until thirty seconds ago,” Jake murmured. “I thought… but it’s only been, what, six weeks?”

  “Some people regain their fertility remarkably quickly.”

  A giggle escaped Jake. In the span of a few minutes, they’d gone from discussing how some people took a long time to get pregnant to now discovering that some people were apparently fertility machines.

  And he was one of them. A relief, after worrying that he’d find out he couldn’t have his own kids, meaning years and expense added to the process.

  But this was way too soo
n.

  Dr. Lume squeezed his arm again. “Keep breathing, Jake. How are you feeling?”

  “In shock,” Jake admitted, but at least the initial adrenaline surge was starting to fade. “I didn’t expect it to be this fast. And I haven’t… we never had unprotected sex… oh, man. How far am I? Is it within, like, the last month? It would have to be. It’s only been…” he trailed off, rubbing his face.

  He’d always heard—from pharmacists, therapists, Dr. Lume herself—that testosterone alone wasn’t good birth control. But he’d never had a scare like this before. He’d never even considered it possible.

  Then again, he’d never been off testosterone since starting it, and he’d never had sex before he started testosterone. Btu the condoms?

  “Well, we can’t count from the date of your last missed period. We can tell by ultrasound when you’re about ten to fourteen weeks along. Do you have an idea of a conception date, somewhere between two and four weeks ago?”

  Jake giggled again, the stress and shock going to his head. “Any day. Most days. We’ve been… I mean, I’ve been seeing one guy a lot. But we used condoms. But I wasn’t really thinking about changing them if it was a marathon. I’ve gotten so used to thinking it wouldn’t happen…”

  She gave him a sympathetic smile. “They do fail. It looks like you’re at the center of the perfect storm: fertility and a failed condom.”

  Jake laughed. “There were plenty of chances for it to fail.”

  “Is this the guy in the waiting room?”

  Jake blushed, and it felt like it was from head to toe. “Um. Yeah.”

  “If you need to discuss family planning matters with him, you’re welcome to bring him in.”

  “No. No way!” Jake sat up straight, his heart thudding. “I don’t want him involved. He’ll think—oh, God. What if he thinks it was deliberate? I didn’t want to be parenting while dating. I was trying not to get involved, and now… oh, crap.”

  “Everything that happens is your decision,” Dr. Lume told him, and he drew strength from her steadiness. “I’ll do tests first while we talk about it, and we can make sure there won’t be an effect on the baby from your current hormone levels, plus the usual prenatal tests.”

  Prenatal. This was huge. This was… life-changing.

  If he carried this pregnancy to term, he was going to be a… mother? Father? He hadn’t even decided which word he wanted to use! And he was going to be a parent, in less than a year, to a newborn who was relying on him for everything.

  Jake buried his face in his hands and took a few more deep breaths to calm himself down.

  I’ll find a way, he thought. I always do.

  From the moment he’d realized who he was, he’d drawn on inner strength he hadn’t even known he had. This was no different. This involved other people now, but it was still his body, and his choices, and his life. And he was going to set this baby up with the life they deserved.

  If that meant lying awake and panicking, he could do that later. For now, he needed tests and information and help, and Dr. Lume was here.

  He’d worry about what to tell Tristan when he got to the waiting room.

  “Okay. I’m ready for the tests.”

  12

  Tristan

  The moment Jake walked out of the exam room, something looked different about him.

  Tristan couldn’t put a name to it, exactly, and he wasn’t going to pry right here in the waiting room. He just smiled and offered his hand to Jake, who took it. “Ready to go?”

  “Yep.” Jake was unusually quiet in his response as he nodded to the door.

  Tristan just hoped it wasn’t bad news. Suddenly, his whole heart had become tied up in this man—far more than he’d expected it to be.

  Ever since last night, the same argument had been going around and around his head.

  I can’t possibly be in love yet! But I am. There’s something that pulled me to him right away. Hell, it did years ago. Why is that so hard to believe?

  If he were really honest, it was because he knew how easy it was to act. Actors lied professionally; plenty of actors he knew lied in their personal lives, too. Hell, so did he.

  How was he supposed to trust himself when it could just be… well, desperation, or lust, or platonic attraction to a guy who could hold a conversation?

  He hadn’t figured anything out, and bringing it up before he did seemed stupid. He had to know what he wanted before he asked Jake about it.

  “Everything okay?” he asked once he was in the car.

  Jake swallowed hard. “Can we get McFlurries and talk?” His voice wavered, and he wouldn’t look at Tristan.

  He’s dumping me. Tristan swallowed hard and nodded, trying to search his suddenly-blank mind for the nearest McDonald’s. “Um. Sure. It’s… I think there’s one nearby…”

  “Two blocks away,” Jake pointed.

  “A familiar spot?” Tristan joked, but Jake didn’t respond. He just gazed out the window, a frown line between his brows.

  Okay, this definitely wasn’t good news.

  The drive was quick, which was a small mercy given that it was completely silent. Even if they hadn’t argued, weirdly enough, it felt like they had.

  “Drive-through or eat in?”

  Jake squinted out the car window into the McDonald’s and shaded his eyes. When Tristan followed his gaze, he saw one of those play centers and a bunch of stressed-looking moms.

  “Drive-through. We can find a spot to park and eat. Better than being surrounded by…” Jake trailed off.

  Tristan grinned. “Screaming kids?”

  “Yeah.” Jake’s voice was a whisper. He was back to staring out the window like he’d barely heard the question.

  “What kind of flurry?” Tristan asked, nudging Jake gently. At least Jake didn’t pull away, just offered him a distracted smile.

  “Smarties, please.”

  “Sure thing.” He had to bite his tongue before he added baby. If he was about to get dumped, he was going to do it when he already had the ice cream in his hand.

  After they got their ice creams, Tristan found a parking lot nearby. It was next to what passed for a garden in this part of LA: mostly a strip of gravel and a few scrawny palm trees, and a bunch of flowering bushes.

  That was about as romantic as this was going to get.

  He shut off the engine and popped the lid off, then prepared to dig his spoon in. “Cheers!” He raised the spoon like a shot glass.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Tristan blinked a few times. He couldn’t possibly have heard that right, could he? Was Jake joking? But this wasn’t exactly joking material, and he said it so quietly… like he was afraid of the response.

  After a few seconds, Tristan’s brain engaged. He means with my kid. “Oh, my God.”

  “I’m sorry this isn’t a better time or place to tell you… I wasn’t going to, but the doctor said I should. I realized it was only right you knew, even if it’s mine to deal with. It wasn’t deliberate. I didn’t know I could get pregnant yet.”

  Jake was looking at him now, his gaze wide. It was the closest to fear he’d seen on the face of this man, and Tristan wanted to wrap his arms around him and take the feeling away.

  “But we were… we used condoms.” Tristan realized he was still holding the spoon in the air, and his other hand was going numb. He looked like the goddamn Statue of Liberty. He quickly balanced the flurry on his knee and stuck the spoon in, then reached out to touch Jake’s knee.

  “I know. That’s what I told her.” Jake’s lips quirked up into a little smile. “But it happens. I had a friend in high school who had sex twice with her first boyfriend, and they used condoms. They didn’t notice them breaking, but she got pregnant. I’m just so used to thinking testosterone would stop it…”

  “Right,” Tristan murmured. Jake had been wanting a kid, so this wasn’t the worst thing ever, right? “It’s for sure mine?”

  “You’re the only guy I’ve want
ed…” Jake cut himself off as if he hadn’t meant to say that. “That I’ve fucked. In a couple months. Since stopping T.”

  That was almost as big a piece of news as the pregnancy. There’s hope for an us, even if everything will change now. Tristan bit his tongue, and then started working on the McFlurry as he tried to sort out his feelings. “Is this a craving?”

  “Huh?” Jake looked at the ice cream, and then over at Tristan. He laughed abruptly and shook his head. “No. But since I can’t drown my thoughts in wine, ice cream will have to do.”

  Duh. So many tiny things that Tristan hadn’t even thought of. He’d never even considered he’d ever get anyone pregnant.

  As far as most gay men were concerned, it was a huge relief—something not to worry about. He’d joined in that sentiment, all the while feeling the itch somewhere deep in his gut. The instinct to have a child of his own.

  And now…

  “Fuck. I should have asked first,” Tristan murmured, looking over. “Are you keeping it? Do you know yet?” There was probably a more sensitive way to ask that, but he was too addled by shock to think clearly.

  “Yeah. I am. If all goes well.” Jake gripped his Flurry so tightly the lid popped off, and he had to chuckle as he retrieved it. “I mean, I was planning on it taking a while to even be able to get pregnant. I was gonna—well, you already know. Find a stable job, get a better place to live… this wasn’t the right time.”

  Tristan’s mouth went dry as the future came crashing in on him. This was a change to everything he’d been thinking.

  If he was going to support them, he couldn’t just walk away from acting and spend years dicking around in school finding something else to do.

  He was going to take that movie role, if they offered it to him.

  “I’m not an expert,” he murmured, “but I’ve heard there’s never a right time to have a baby.”

  Jake laughed. “There are definitely better times. But at least this is what I wanted. It’s just… so soon. I was going to read books, and talk to people, and find support networks…” he trailed off. His voice was suddenly hoarse.