by E. Davies
Like that, he was gone, and Tristan was left to decide how much of his art he was willing to sell out in the name of responsibility.
God, responsibility sucked.
He didn’t have long to think before there was a knock on the trailer door. Stefan came in and shut the door. “Can we talk?”
So soon? That was a fucking quick decision. My replacement must have jumped on the chance. “Sure.”
“I have to apologize for meddling so much with your choices. I was making a knee-jerk judgment at way too early a stage to do that,” Stefan told him, shaking his head and offering a hand to shake. “I don’t want bad feelings.”
It felt like a trick somehow, but Tristan slowly reached out to take his hand. “No hard feelings, I guess.” As long as this doesn’t happen again, he thought, but he didn’t have to say it.
“You’re doing a stellar job. Everyone’s impressed with how well you’re embodying your character. Keep it up.” Stefan stood up and nodded. “We’re nearly ready. You’ve got five minutes to go over the scene again.”
Tristan could have recited both of their dialogue from memory—there wasn’t much. It was mostly nonverbal, and he remembered the blocking perfectly well. “Yeah. Thanks,” he said anyway. He needed the time to figure out what had just happened.
“Congratulations on the baby, by the way.” Stefan grinned and clapped his shoulder, and then moved for the trailer door.
Tristan was left staring after Stefan, his discomfort only growing. What the hell was that all about? He shook his head and collapsed back against the couch.
Had he used a pronoun when talking about the pregnancy to Brian? It was just a few minutes ago, but he was pretty sure he hadn’t. Brian had assumed he was straight and gone to Stefan, who now thought he was the bee’s knees for playing gay.
In the weirdest way possible, after all his tentative steps out of the closet, he was right back in it. And since he was determined not to compromise his own acting just to play a more “relatable” character, if he wanted to take care of Jake, he had a hell of a hard choice to make.
And he couldn’t make it without asking Jake, which meant placing more stress on him than Tristan wanted in a new relationship. But he also couldn’t very well tell anyone he had a pregnant boyfriend without making sure Jake was okay with that. And similarly, he couldn’t avoid talking about his own personal life for weeks to come without making sure Jake was fine with being hidden away.
More complications. Great. That’s the last thing I need.
23
Jake
Was his distress that easy to sense? Or had Nic and Kyle texted Tristan? Either way, Jake didn’t care.
The important part was that they were kissing. In fact, the moment Tristan had walked through the door, he grabbed Jake around the waist and kissed him like he’d been gone for months.
Jake melted into Tristan’s arms, breaking the kiss only to bury his nose in Tristan’s shoulder and inhale the scent of him. It was amazing how much that alone could relax him. He swayed willingly when Tristan rocked him side to side. “Welcome home,” he murmured.
As always, Tristan had something simple and sweet and romantic to say to him. “It’s easy to look forward to getting home to you.”
“Did Kyle and Nic give you a heads-up?”
“About what? No.” Tristan pulled back, trying to look at him.
Jake didn’t let him just yet, because he wasn’t ready to let go. Those strong arms around his shoulders did everything to boost his mood after a long, tiring day alone with his own thoughts.
“It’s no big deal,” Jake assured him. “I just had a shitty day clothes shopping.”
Tristan squeezed him, and when he pulled away again, Jake let him. “I’m sorry, baby.”
Jake shrugged it off, more concerned about Tristan’s need for contact. “It happens. What about you?” He guided Tristan to the table for supper, giving him some time to calm down as he listened to Tristan’s day. He could tell Tristan was holding something back, but he’d get around to it.
Eventually, after supper, it came out. Tristan sighed and deflated as they moved to the couch together. “I need to ask you something.”
Jake tensed up. Those words were rarely good.
“If it came down to it, how would you feel about me telling people I have a boyfriend, and that you’re pregnant?”
Jake almost wasn’t sure he’d heard the question correctly at first. “Coming out? All the way out?”
“I guess I should ask: do you want me to?”
This was a different question completely. Jake spotted the difference easily: one was Tristan asking permission, and the other was Tristan seeing if Jake wanted him to do it.
They’d talked about it enough damn times that Tristan ought to have known his answer. “If you’re ready to come out, then do it. If you’re not… we’ll make it work for now.” That last part was important, because Jake didn’t want to feel like a secret forever.
Tristan sighed. “I’ve told them there’s a baby on the way. I think it saved my job. But now I feel like shit, because…” he trailed off, casting Jake a guilty look.
“You didn’t say I’m a he,” Jake surmised. Anxiety tightened his chest. Practically speaking, the first thing he ought to be worrying about was it saved my job. But his heart wasn’t in that question. Not as much as the other one he wanted to ask. “I’ve been out for years. Plenty of people know. But you’re coming out as gay, and then as a partner of a trans person—which isn’t like coming out as trans, but people can be weird. Are you willing to deal with the reactions if you tell them?”
“I don’t know. If I lose my job, no.” Tristan took his hands. “I know you hate feeling like I’m supporting you, but I want to. Right now, I can, if I keep this role.”
“Keep this role?” Jake asked. He was at least relieved that Tristan knew how hard it was on him to accept help, and Tristan still kept trying to support him anyway. “Lose your job?”
It didn’t make sense. He knew how hard Tristan had worked lately—if not on set, he was staying up until all hours rehearsing. Jake had fallen asleep several times to the halting rhythm of murmured words from the living room: Tristan learning his lines.
Then, it hit Jake: was he the problem? “Because you’re gay, or because you’re with me?”
Tristan shook his head. “Neither? Both? I don’t know.” His distress was hard to witness, and Jake slid his arms around him as he listened. “I shot the big kiss scene today. Apparently I was too camp, until they thought I was straight, and now I’m doing a wonderful job playing outside my life experience,” he said drily. “Bobby’s outed me to people. I don’t know how many, and he won’t tell me. So that’s why work’s been slow lately. And why he’s submitting me to so many gay roles. He told me he wanted me to be a big-shot straight actor who gets awards for playing gay. I thought I wanted that for ages. I don’t want that life now, but I wish I’d had the choice myself”
Jake sighed and held his boyfriend tight. “I’m sorry. He’s been outing you?”
“As good as. He said he’s never told anyone, exactly, but… suddenly, I’ve been in all these camp movies? And even when I’m playing a serious role like this, I’m too camp?”
“Sure.” Jake snorted. “People are weird.”
“I feel like I’m being bounced around between boxes. Too gay for this, too straight for that. Where the fuck is my box?” Tristan rested his head on Jake’s shoulder. “And more importantly, what happens if I lose this job?”
Jake kissed Tristan’s temple. “I’ll find work if I need to. I’m over the first trimester. My morning sickness is done. I can get away with my belly for the second trimester. And I’m looking at starting a business. If we have to move somewhere cheaper, that’s okay.”
Tristan looked over at him, and the resolve in his eyes startled Jake. “No. I’ve been trying to run away when the going gets hard for too long. I’ll get work—if I have to get another agent, I don�
��t care. I’ll audition every day. I might not be around as much as I’d like to help you out, but I’m going to make it, whatever those assholes have to say about it. And I’m gonna make sure that, even if you do get a job or business of your own, you don’t need to struggle to make ends meet.”
The air rushed out of Jake all at once. From anyone else, he might not have believed it, but Tristan had been by his side for even longer than Jake had been willing to let him be.
Tristan was willing to stay closeted, even when his whole life had been building to this moment of finally being himself, just so he could protect Jake. Not socially, but financially and emotionally and in a very real physical sense.
He’d already given Jake so much, and he wanted to give him more? To continue to walk the line and stay in the shadows, just so Jake was safe and comfortable?
Jake welled up and pressed his forehead into Tristan’s shoulder. “I’m mad they’re making you make that choice,” he murmured when he could manage to speak again. “But I’m… I’m just…” He was almost speechless at both the fact that Tristan wanted to be there for him, and that he wanted to let him. “Thank you.”
How could he return that support? The answer was obvious: by being here for him right now, when he was struggling with his own dilemma.
“Anything for you, baby.” Tristan’s voice had that shy, almost fearful quality. “I just want… you to be happy. And the baby, of course. But you’re my number one concern.”
Jake had to come out and say it. “All this time, I’ve been worrying about our relationship. That it was just hot sex that turned into pregnancy and you’re just doing the right thing by me. It was hard to believe that you actually love me.”
Tristan sucked in his breath, his alarm visible.
“There’s nothing more you could have done,” Jake added with a little half-smile. “That’s my damage.” In the safety of Tristan’s arms, he could talk about it. “My parents… you know they threw me out, huh? But I think it was a convenient excuse. They weren’t happy together. They pretty much got married because of me. And the last thing I want to do…” he trailed off, choking up.
“Is make the same mistake,” Tristan whispered. “God, h—baby. I’m sorry about all of that.”
“You can call me honey, too, if you want. And anything they used to call me. I don’t want them to have power over all those words,” Jake admitted. His voice was shaky, but he was certain of what he said. “I’m a hot hormonal mess, but I know what I feel, and I love you. And you married me, just to help me out when you could have walked away… and you’re having to deal with all my shit, and all of your own…”
Tristan held a finger over his lips, his smile gentle and sincere. “No. I married the man I could see myself marrying anyway,” he told Jake. “The kind of man who can deal with the wrong hormones flooding his brain, and birth a kid at the end of all of this, and have everyone around him telling him who he really is because of it? That’s a hell of a guy. And everything I’ve learned about you has only made me more sure that my gut instinct was right about you. Baby aside, I knew I loved you before then. I just wasn’t ready to admit it to either of us.”
Jake was tearing up again. God, all this crying was getting exhausting. “Really?”
“Really,” Tristan chuckled gently. “You captivated me from the very beginning.”
Jake finally pulled away and wiped his eyes so he could look at Tristan. “Do you believe in love at first sight?”
“Yes and no,” Tristan answered after a moment’s thought. “See, in the movie I’m doing, it’s supposed to be—and then then it all goes wrong, and it gets put back together again. And it’s been dramatized for the screen, but I think a lot of relationships are like that. You choose a person, and then you make it work.”
A shiver ran down Jake’s spine. He rarely heard anyone say something that rang so true to him. “Yeah. It’s not magic. The spark is, but you can have a spark with lots of different people.”
“But only that one in a million kind of guy will make you stop and question everything,” Tristan said, nodding. “A spark is great. But we’ve always had a fire. I wanted to get to know you, and I’ve never been disappointed.”
Again, Jake pressed his forehead into Tristan’s shoulder as Tristan rubbed his back. “Me, neither. I kept holding my breath and waiting for you to… to leave, or to kick me out, I guess. I was afraid of relying on you and giving you that power over me. But… it’s not like that. My parents issued ultimatums. Do this or get out, you know? You’ve been… welcoming me in.”
Tristan shook his head. “Trying, anyway. I know you’ve had to sacrifice to be with me, too. And I might have to ask you to keep doing that, until I can safely be me. Or to ride through it with me, if I do come out and it doesn’t go well. I wish I had more to offer, but… I’ve only got me.”
“That’s all I want,” Jake whispered, pressing kisses against Tristan’s lips until Tristan’s expression relaxed and he seemed to really believe it.
“We’re both vulnerable with each other. You’ve got my heart, baby,” Tristan whispered.
Jake smiled. “And I want to take care of it every bit as much as you do.”
“Let’s be careful with each other’s hearts, then,” Tristan murmured, pulling back to cup his cheeks. “And keep talking, and… figure this out one step at a time. It’s scary, but if we’re together…”
“If we’re together,” Jake finished, “we’ll be okay.”
“Yeah,” Tristan murmured. “We’ll be okay.”
24
Tristan, two weeks later
For the first week, it was easy to be grateful he still had a job. Tristan suspected Brian had gotten involved and refused to work with a replacement actor, since Brian refused to confirm or deny it when he’d asked him point-blank.
He’d played it cool both on and off-set with his coworkers, never talking much about his personal life since that one slip with Brian. Despite Jake’s support of whatever he decided to do, he wanted to feel like he was more stable before he came out.
But his conversations with Bobby kept replaying in his head. If he kept him as an agent, he was buying into that bullshit and letting him build him a career based on strategic lies. Bobby wasn’t seeing that he couldn’t live life the way he had for the past five years. Coming out was inevitable. No matter when he did it, if it would tank his career, it wouldn’t matter when he did it.
Might as well get it over with now, and if he lost work, at least he wouldn’t have to lose a piece of his soul every time the rest of the cast talked about their relationships and he had to bite his tongue.
Not to mention, if he did lose his career, better to do that sooner and stop missing out on important moments—like Jake’s first ultrasound today. What else he could do, he had no idea, but he could worry about that later.
He broke the speed limit more than once on his way home, he was so eager to hear how it had gone.
By the time he burst inside, Jake was waiting for him with supper—as usual, these days—and the sight warmed his heart. He’d never expected Jake to work so hard to help him out, but it made sense. Jake wasn’t the kind of guy to laze around just because he had the chance. Another little reason he loved him, even if Jake would just get confused or flustered if he ever told him.
“Hey, babe,” Jake greeted.
Tristan strode over to him and beamed. “Hey, gorgeous.” Jake was looking healthier these days, too—he’d put on baby weight, and it suited him. He didn’t look so much like he was skipping meals and stressing about everything. The glow suited him. “Tell me everything!”
Jake led him to the table, and over supper, he got the details.
The ultrasound had gone well. No signs of problems so far, and the chances of something going wrong were dropping with every week that passed.
“So nothing more we need to do?” Tristan wanted to make sure Jake had everything he needed, even if insurance didn’t cover it. He expected an
other confused phone call tomorrow from the insurance company.
Jake shook his head. “I’ll just keep eating my spinach.”
“Good man,” Tristan grinned. The books on the side table finally caught his eye—they were new. “What’s that about?” he asked as he gestured with his fork.
“Oh.” Jake looked sheepish. “Um, medical stuff.”
“For you, or for a job?” He wasn’t blind. He might work long hours, but in the precious time they did have together, he’d seen Jake looking at job sites again. Medical coding, most recently.
Jake chuckled. “Both. If I can make a difference and help out… and get a job without having to invest in starting it up…” he shrugged, but he looked half-hearted about it. Tristan could read Jake’s expression quicker than any of those books, and that spark wasn’t there.
“Is that what you really want to do?” Tristan asked. “I know you liked science, but is this something you feel good about?”
Jake blinked and squinted at him. “How did you know that about me?”
“Science fair.”
It took Jake a few moments to remember. Then, he set down his fork and stared. “I told you that the first time we hooked up.” His tone was awed.
Tristan blushed and looked at his plate. “Yeah, well. I’ve always paid attention to the things you’ve said.” As far as he was concerned, that was the minimum possible bar he could have stepped over in a relationship.
Jake’s voice was soft. “I appreciate that.” He cleared his throat, and after a moment, he changed the subject enough that Tristan looked back up again. “No, I don’t love it. But do you love your job? You’ve told me before how torn you are, but you’re still willing to do it. Part of growing up—into the kind of person who can sustain a relationship—is being willing to do the things you don’t want to, if the other person needs it. And if I can have a job that helps give you a little more freedom of choice…”