by Lea Darragh
He blanched, glancing at me as if it were personal rather than one of the midwife’s run-of-the-mill questions.
‘As ready as we’ll ever be,’ I answered for him.
‘Listen,’ Andi said. ‘Now that Josh is here, I might go?’
‘You’ll wait out there though, won’t you?’ I said. ‘I want you guys to be the first to meet our baby. We’re the only family it has here.’
She came to me and kissed my head. ‘Try and stop me. I’ll be just outside.’
‘Ok,’ the midwife said now that it was just the two of us. ‘Dr Baker is on her way. She’ll do an internal so that we can see how close we are to pushing. Do you have a pain management plan?’
‘No to an epidural.’
‘No?’ Josh said. ‘Won’t it help?’
‘I don’t want anything to distract from what I’m feeling. I need to recognise when something doesn’t feel right.’
‘No worries.’ The midwife noted it on my chart. ‘But the gas?’
‘Yes to gas if I need it.’
‘Sounds good. I’ll go and see if your doctor is ready for you.’
I couldn’t say anything as I contracted, reaching for Josh’s hand. The midwife came to kneel beside me, placing the tips of her fingers on my belly and consulting her watch as she timed the contraction. I tried to breathe through it, but the urge to push was getting stronger.
‘That was a good one,’ she said when it subsided. ‘I think we need to get you up on the bed.’
‘Is something wrong?’ Josh said.
‘Not at all,’ she smiled as she stood. ‘I think it might be time to start pushing.’
They held me under my arms and slowly helped me onto the bed. Josh adjusted the pillows as I settled into position.
‘I hear we’re having a baby in here,’ Dr Baker said as she came into the room. ‘Should we find out how dilated you are?’
After the examination, Dr Baker came to stand beside me, taking my hand. ‘This is it, Olivia. You’re ready.’
I looked up and Josh. His face was paling. His palm clammy as he tried to hold strong at my side. He nodded.
‘Let’s do this.’
Over the next hour or two—time seemingly ceased to exist—I pushed as hard as I could. I held Josh close as I contracted. He stroked my hair as I tried to simultaneously push and breathe through it.
‘We’re having a baby,’ he whispered in my ear when I became exhausted and overwhelmed. Dr Baker was encouraging. The midwives cheered me on. But all that truly registered were Josh’s words. ‘You’re incredible, Olivia.’
‘I’m so scared.’
‘Don’t be scared.’ He kissed my temple. ‘You’ve got this.’
‘You don’t understand.’
‘Yes, I do,’ he said, finding my eyes. ‘And I promise you that you’ve got this. I’m here, ok. Let’s have a baby.’
I fought to keep the fear at bay, but it gathered like a pool in my chest. ‘I can’t. I can’t.’
‘I’m so proud of you. You’re amazing, Olivia.’
I drew in a deep breath.
‘Ready to push?’ Dr Baker said.
I lifted myself onto my elbows and nodded.
‘Ok, dream team,’ Dr Baker said. ‘Let’s bring this baby earthside. Push into your bottom, Olivia. Good, good. Ok, now just relax. Take a deep breath.’
‘Good work, Olivia,’ Josh said.
‘Is baby ok?’ I said as a midwife placed a device on my belly, listening for a heartbeat.
‘Being a trooper,’ she said.
‘I need to push again.’
‘Good girl,’ Dr Baker said. ‘Go for it, breathe into your chest. Push down into your bottom. You’ve got this, Olivia. Good, good. You’re doing amazing.’
I stopped pushing. Tried to catch my breath but it wasn’t there. I started to feel faint. ‘I think I’m going to pass out.’
‘We’re so close, Olivia,’ Dr Baker said. ‘Take a breath. Slowly in, slowly out. We’ll relax for a minute. Then one more push.’
The midwife checked the heartbeat again, and nodded in response to my questioning eyes.
‘Are you ok?’ I said to Josh.
He kissed my hair. ‘Don’t worry about me.’
‘It hurts so bad.’
‘Yeah it does, honey, but it’ll be so worth it.’
‘Oh my god,’ I said as I pushed again. ‘Oh my god … oh my god …’
‘Well done, Olivia. We’re almost there! I really need to push right down into your bottom, like you’re pooping.’
‘Pooping?!’ I said, and they all laughed but I didn’t find it funny.
‘Yes,’ Dr Baker laughed. ‘Exactly like you’re pooping. Trust me. It’ll help. Good, good, good. Excellent work, honey. Your baby is crowning. One more push like that and we’ll have a head out.’
‘One more?’ I said, through a released breath. ‘But you said one more before the last push.’
‘One more good push.’
‘One more, Olivia,’ Josh said. ‘And then we’ll be parents. We can do this.’
‘We’re doing this?’ I argued. ‘You’re not in all this pain.’
Josh kissed my forehead. ‘We, are doing this.’
I cried, an irritated, terrified mess. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ I said.
‘It’s ok,’ Josh said. He tried to smile but I saw what he was trying to disguise. ‘Come on. One more push.’
The fear in Josh’s eyes was equal to that in my heart. We had to do this together, right now. Our baby was coming, and in this moment, as he grasped my hand, that was all I wanted to know. I pushed myself onto my elbows and beared down, pushing as hard as I could.
‘Good girl, Olivia. Push, push, push. Ok,’ Dr Baker said, excitement in her tone. ‘We have a head. One more push and we’ll meet your baby.’
‘Oh, come on,’ I protested. ‘You said one more push last push, and the one before.’
Dr Baker gave a cheeky grin. ‘Now I really mean it.’
I took a deep breath and looked at Josh. ‘Promise me everything will be ok,’ I whispered.
‘I promise I won’t let anything happen to you or our child.’
Dr Baker squeezed my knee. ‘Here we go.’
I pushed once more. Pushed, pushed, pushed, and squeezed my eyes closed when Dr Baker announced that the baby was finally here. I turned my attention off to everything except one thing. When I finally heard it, my heart exploded with love, and my eyes flooded with tears.
‘It’s a girl, Olivia,’ Josh announced, but I barely heard him as I listened to our baby’s bellowing cry. It was the best sound I’d heard in my entire life.
‘She’s ok?’ I said through a sob as I tried to catch my breath.
‘She’s perfect,’ Dr Baker said as she placed my daughter on my chest and covered us in fresh, warm blankets. Josh plumped the pillows so that I could sit more upright, cradling our baby.
‘We did it,’ I sighed, trying to catch my breath. ‘It’s done. Do you know how much I love you,’ I whispered down to her as she settled into my body. ‘I love you so, so much.’
‘I haven’t seen her face,’ Josh said as he leaned over us. I tilted her to give him a better view.
He gazed in. ‘She’s beautiful. She has your nose.’
‘You think?’ he said, and I nodded. ‘You’re incredible, Olivia.’
He kissed me. I’d never felt this alive, this pure rush of love. A spark. Joy.
‘I’m so glad you were here for this,’ I said when he pulled back.
‘I’m sorry I—’
I shook my head. ‘It’s ok, Josh. I know about Pete.’
He nodded as fresh tears flowed down his face. His mouth quivered so he held it tight, turning away.
‘Hey,’ I whispered to him. ‘She’s looking at you.’
He wiped his face, giving his attention back to his child. He lowered his face to hers. She blinked slowly as if focusing on his eyes, properly meeting him.
‘Hel
lo, there,’ he whispered, emotion soaked in his tone. ‘I’m going to try and be the best daddy you could ask for. I’ll never leave you.’
‘She knows that,’ I said.
‘So, what’s her name?’ Dr Baker said.
I glanced at Josh. ‘I’ve been tossing up between a few but, given this moment, I think I might have an idea. Do you like Maeve?’ I asked him.
He looked back down at his daughter. ‘She looks like a Maeve.’
‘It means cause of great joy, and I think she represents that perfectly.’
‘I think so, too,’ he said, kissing me. ‘Welcome, little Maeve.’
I jerked my head back. ‘I think she just pooped on me,’ I said as ooze covered by stomach.
Dr Baker laughed as she reached in for Maeve. ‘And so it begins.’
Chapter 11
I managed a good amount of sleep during the night. The nurses took great care of Maeve, bringing her for feeds, then letting me shower and rest some more. I felt like a human again. I wanted to call my mum but had no idea what to say. Where would I begin to tell her what I’d been doing for the past nine months? She’d be hurt that I’d lied. Was this better than letting her fear something that never happened? Would she be more upset that I’d left her out of this? Or would she grateful that I’d spared her, and she’d had nothing to worry about? And this is exactly why I’d put off any phone calls—the indecision seemed worse than anything else.
‘Knock, knock,’ Josh said as he opened the door to my room. ‘Can I come in?’
‘Of course you can. Come see her. She’s so pink and dressed up. She had the hiccups before.’
‘Did she?’ he said, wonder on his face as he peered down at Maeve sleeping in the cot.
‘It was so cute. She’ll get them again, I’m sure.’
‘Here,’ he said as she straightened. ‘These are for you.’ He handed me a huge bunch of baby pink hydrangeas and I took in a deep breath of their scent.
‘They’re gorgeous, thank you.’
He propped them into an empty vase and then took it to the sink to fill with water.
‘I thought the room would be full of flowers by now.’
‘I haven’t really told anyone yet. I just want to rest.’
‘Your mum?’
Shame gripped my stomach. ‘No, I haven’t …’
He put the vase on the night-stand and sat with me on the bed. ‘Why not?’
‘Unfortunately the lie has gotten away from me, and now I don’t know how to begin to tell her. It’s going to be such a shock, and she’ll be so, so upset with me.’
‘You don’t know that.’
I glared at him. ‘I do know that. But,’—I reached out and rolled the cot closer to us, lifting Maeve out. She squeaked and squirmed before settling into my arms—‘I don’t want to think about that right now. I’d rather just stare down at this little superstar all day.’
He laughed lightly. ‘I really can’t blame you for that.’
‘See,’ I said after a moment. ‘I told you you’d fall in love in an instant.’
He sat back a little. ‘Yeah, you were right,’ he said, but his dismissive tone left questions.
‘Any time you want to talk about, well anything, please know that you can come to me.’
He smiled. ‘I know. I’m figuring this all out. It could take some time.’
‘Figuring what out? Us. This?’
‘Well, yeah I guess that’s part of it. I just, I don’t know how to do any of this. That hasn’t changed just because she’s here now. In fact it’s so much more pressure.’
I sat back. ‘Oh. I’m sorry about that.’
He gazed at me. ‘And now look. I’m saying all of the wrong things that aren’t really what I mean. I don’t know how to articulate what’s racing through my head. Look,’ he said as he sat further on the bed, taking my hand. ‘I want this whole family thing so damn bad, Olivia. I want to be good for our child. I want to be a good partner, but I don’t know if I’m capable. It’s confusing being pulled by two opposite mindsets. It frustrates the hell out of me.’
‘Want me to tell you what I need from you? Would that make it easier?’
‘I reckon it probably would, yes.’
‘I want you take care of yourself first.’
His eyes widened. ‘But—’
‘Nope,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘You can’t be any of those things if you’re not solid within yourself.’
‘Are you saying I can’t be with the two of you until then?’
‘Not at all. Come and go as you please. I don’t want promises or expectations to overwhelm you. Figure out what kind of role you’re comfortable with, and we’ll do that.’
As the words came out of my mouth my heart broke, hoping beyond all hope that he he’d choose us. But I refused to make him.
‘What if I walk away?’ he said, as if it were a dare. ‘What if I can’t ever adjust?’
‘Then I’ll cope, and remind Maeve every day that she’s loved.’
He stared at me as if he wanted me to give him all of the answers, as if this conversation hadn’t gone the way he’d planned.
‘Josh, I love you,’ I said. He swallowed hard as the words came out of my mouth. ‘I’ve loved you since we barely knew each other. There’s something special about you, I know it. You care even though you try not to. And you second-guess instead of trusting your intuition. I want to tell you to stay with us, but it’s not my choice to make. If you do though, know that you’ll be safe, and trusted, and worth the love Maeve and I have to give.’
‘Olivia … you love me?’
‘I do.’
‘Shit,’ he said, dropping his head.
‘When has love ever been a bad thing?’ I said with a laugh.
‘It’s not. I’ve just messed everything up. I don’t deserve it.’
‘You do. Look at me,’ I said, and he did. ‘I love you.’
‘Will you give me time to make this right?’
‘Whatever you think is wrong, I want you to fix it, in your own time. We’re not going anywhere. Like I said, figure yourself out so that the world can have the very best version of you.’
He let out a deep breath and gazed down at Maeve. ‘Ok,’ he said. ‘This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I know what I have to do.’ He stood to leave.
‘Right now?’ I said.
‘You love me, Olivia. I never expected anyone to feel that way about me. I never thought I’d accept it as much as I want to. I have to go and do this thing so we can get on with the rest of our lives.’ He bent and kissed my mouth, then gently planted his lips on Maeve’s forehead. ‘Bye girls,’ he whispered, and then left the room.
I stared at the door for a minute or two, both excited and concerned about what he was rushing off to do. Was that it? Would I not see Josh until this thing, whatever it was, was done, however long that might take? I gazed down at Maeve, who deserved the best of everything. Josh doing his thing would probably be for the greater good. I blinked out of my thoughts when Dr Baker opened the door.
‘How is everybody this morning?’ she said as she came over to us, checking on Maeve as she slept. ‘Feeding going ok?’
‘So far, so good. It’s not always comfortable, but she seems to be latching well.’
Dr Baker lifted Maeve from me and laid her on the end of the bed. I sat up to watch what she was doing.
‘I’m just going to check her over. It’s routine,’ she said, responding to the concern on my face. ‘How are her nappies? Nice and wet? She’s pooing?’
‘Like a trooper. I never expected the colour.’
‘It can be a shock, but it’s completely normal.’
‘Good, and the hiccups?’
She gave a reassuring smile. ‘Building strength.’
‘And it’s normal for her to sleep so much? I thought all babies did was cry all the time,’ I laughed lightly, hoping I hadn’t taunted karma.
‘You’ve both just been t
hrough a lot. She’s probably exhausted. Or maybe you just have a calm baby. They exist, too,’ she said with a wink.
Dr Baker took her stethoscope out of her ears after checking Maeve’s heart and lungs. I beamed at Maeve as she was wrapped and handed back up to me. ‘She’s really ok?’ I said.
Dr Baker gently squeezed my arm. ‘You did an amazing job growing your baby. She’s perfect, Olivia.’
‘I’m just glad it’s over, and now we can get on with this new life of ours.’
‘Speaking of new lives, how’s Josh coping?’
I settled Maeve into my arms. ‘He’s besotted, I think. He has some issues that he wants to sort out, though. And he will, and then he can truly be with us.’
She pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat on it. ‘In what capacity?’ she said.
‘I’m in love with him, and I think he feels the same. He certainly loves his daughter. He has abandonment issues, so he wants to finally try and sort that before he can fully open up to what I’m offering.’
‘Sounds like he’s taking this seriously.’
‘He is.’
‘Just make sure you keep Maeve and yourself at the forefront of your mind when you make decisions about the future. The last thing you want is to feel like you’re in limbo with Josh. Either he can or he can’t commit, and it’s acceptable either way, but indecision is unfair to all three of you.’
‘I’m waiting for him to be ok. He’s not playing me, if that’s what you think.’
She shifted closer. I tried to rein my frustration in. ‘Keep the plans you’ve made, but all I’m asking is that you’re mindful, to maintain a healthy environment for you to mother in.’
‘I’m a sensible person, Dr Baker,’ I assured her.
‘I know you are, honey. I’ve watched you grow over these past few months. I’m just hearing a lot of “I think” and “seems to be” when you talk about Josh. You have to make Maeve’s life solid, whatever that takes. It would be remiss of me to not advise you on this.’
‘In that case, thank you for caring so much, but trust me, if I didn’t think Josh was worth the effort, I wouldn’t be making any.’
‘Good,’ she said, finally offering a smile. ‘I’m glad to hear that. Alright, well I’m going to check on some other patients. You’ll let me know if you’re having trouble with feeding.’