by Lea Darragh
‘Semantics, Olivia.’
‘I’m sorry I kept this from you, and you’re right, I should have been honest. I wanted to tell you from the start. You’re my mum. Of course I wanted to share this with you. But I panicked, like seriously panicked and felt ashamed. And then before I knew it, I’d left it too long and figured I could wait until she was born, then I could reassure you that it was all ok. The lie festered, and now it’s a mess, and I’m so, so, sorry.’
‘You have to admit, you can see how we caused some of this, can’t you?’ Dad said to Mum. And I felt the relief all the way in my bones.
Mum sighed and after a minute she spoke. ‘I guess I could have relaxed a bit more with you. I see how I’m responsible for what you did, too.’
She came over and knelt beside us, peering down at Maeve.
‘She’s perfection,’ she said.
‘She has Josh’s nose.’
‘And your chin. What are your plans for the future with him?’
‘I’m hoping there’ll still be a chance for that, if I haven’t ruined our relationship already.’
‘Is it about the way you reacted this morning?’
I breathed back tears. ‘Oh, Mum. I’ve made a mess of everything.’
She wiped my cheeks. ‘No, you haven’t, dear. Trust me. I saw the happiness in his face, up until you rejected him,’ she said with a wink. ‘I think you can work this out.’
‘I hope you’re right.’
‘And about us, I’m sorry too. I should never have tried to take away your right to motherhood. I was just so, so scared, Olivia. What I went through,’ she paused, dipping her face. When she looked back up at me, her eyes were wet.
‘I know you never wanted me to go through that.’
‘And look what your bravery got you. You’re such a natural with her.’
I looked deep into Maeve’s content face. She arched her body and stretched her tiny arms, squishing her cheeks with her hands. I sat her up, rubbing her back, making sure that I held her steady with a hand beneath her chin. She burped and we marvelled in this little person—she had the capacity to mend all kinds of broken, fearful hearts. She’d barely been on this earth a few days and already she’d filled us to the brim with hope and was closing gaping wounds. Maeve was also encouraging those who had sidelined themselves to come out and play. Trouble was, I had compromised all of that in a split, cowardice second.
Chapter 16
Mum, Dad and I had organised to meet up for dinner. They’d make a reservation for four of us. I couldn’t allow myself to believe that the damage I’d caused with Josh couldn’t be reversed.
I wore the baby carrier with Maeve tucked in securely, and wandered down the beach. I’d tried Josh’s phone but my calls went unanswered. I’d contemplated driving past his place, but deep down I knew where I’d find him. Carefully, my eyes peeled for him, I navigated the dunes, and finally, there he was, nestled between the sword grass, in his spot. He was staring out at the ocean as if lost in his own thoughts. It took until I said his name before he turned, blinking as if just now waking up.
‘Can I sit?’ I said, and he nodded.
We sat a moment before he scrubbed his face in his hands, then trailed his fingers through his hair. It was clear I’d set him back. It was bad enough that he’d been forgotten as a child, and then again discarded by the two people who should be at his side no matter what, and now I’d made him feel as meaningless. My heart thrummed when he leaned over, and with a finger lifted Maeve’s hand a little to see her face.
‘She’s doing ok?’ he said, still gazing down at his daughter.
‘She’s perfect. Josh, I’m,’ I began, but he shook his head, sitting back.
‘There’s no need for what you’re about to say, Olivia. I forgive you.’
His tone was deadpan, dismissive, and it made me uneasy. ‘We should talk about this.’
‘I think we should keep our distance until your parents go home. That way, it’ll be easier for you to keep up with the—’ He stopped himself.
‘The lie, Josh? You can say it. I know what I’ve done.’
‘If we stay apart, you can keep from having to lie to all of us.’
I watched him, the damage I’d caused written all over his anguished expression. ‘After you left this morning Mum and Dad visited the cottage.’ He sideways glanced my way, but otherwise didn’t react. ‘They know about Maeve. They know about me and you. I’ve been reminded of the mess I’ve made, and the work I have to do to restore it. I will fight for this, Josh. I know you’re hurt and I know why. I’m not walking away. In fact, we’re all having dinner together tonight.’
‘No, we’re not.’
I turned to face him, adjusting Maeve’s hat so that it still shaded her. ‘We’re still booking a seat for you if you change your mind.’
He shrugged. ‘I don’t see the point of pretending that this is something that it’s not.’
‘I don’t know how to dig myself out of this, Josh. I’m so sorry for the way I treated you this morning. It was awful and came from a place of sheer panic. It was selfish, and again, I’m sorry beyond words that I’ve hurt you like this, so please, at least find a way to communicate with me. We’re linked now with this little cherub. You don’t have to forgive me—’
‘I already said I did.’
‘Yes, I heard you. I know you’re trying to make this quick so that you don’t have to revisit the wound I’ve opened up.’
‘We barely know each other, Olivia.’
He was trying to hurt me, but I refused to let anything sink in. ‘How did I know exactly where to find you then? Why do I know the reason what I said hurt you so much? Why do I know that you’ll push me further and further away the harder I try to get closer to you?’
He laughed without humour. ‘Why bother then?’
‘Because I love you so damn much, and I want a life with you.’
He finally met my eyes. ‘I tried, Olivia. The first time I let you in and look what happened. You’d have thought I would have learned my lesson by now. Oh, and the higher the stakes, the more painful the fall. So you can imagine how hesitant I am to step back into the arena.’
‘I can imagine.’
‘I trusted you. And you put a wedge between us. I don’t know how to ignore that. I don’t know how to concede that I’m overreacting, because it feels like someone has punched me in the gut. I feel like an idiot for being this hurt over something so little, and for a reason I know I accept, because still, the rejection is present. It’s palpable.’
I took his hand. ‘I love you, and it’s ok to fear the love we have. I fear it too, Josh. It’s a lot, and so soon, but it’s real. I promise I’ll never make you feel as if you don’t matter again. We’re a family now. You, me, and our little squish. In fact,’ I said, turning and reaching into my bag. ‘I got you this for Christmas, but I hadn’t had a chance to give it to you yet. I had to alter it, and rewrap because it needed a little updating, but I think you’ll like it even more. Merry belated Christmas.’
I handed it to him and, with hesitation, he accepted it. He pulled at the red ribbon and ripped open the brown paper, catching his breath when he saw what was inside. He held up the frame and stared at it. I’ve added a photo from the day Maeve was born. She lay on my chest, her eyes as blue as the deepest part of the ocean. His smile as wide as the horizon. My expression as if I were floating on stars. Magic.
‘Do you feel the spark?’ I said softly.
After a moment, he nodded. His throat bobbing as he swallowed. With his voice thick with emotion he said, ‘Instantly.’
‘This is what it’s all about. I’m sorry I tripped, but I’ll never do that again.’
He looked at me. ‘I love you two so damn much, Olivia.’
I leaned over and kissed him. ‘This place in the dunes was once a representation of rejection, but now, I hope it’s a representation of belonging. I’m asking for a chance to right my wrong. Will you let me?’
He kissed me again. ‘For as long as my heart can take it.’
‘I have an idea, something that could tie us up in a neat little bow.’
‘What’s that?’
I grinned. ‘You’ll see.’
Chapter 17
I left Josh at the cottage with Maeve as I headed out for supplies, then texted Andi, Brooke and called mum, inviting them for dinner. Bring the tribe, I told Andi, and I truly hoped they could all make it. I picked up barbeque food from the supermarket. Stocked up on wine and cider, snacks and sparklers, streamers and even photo-booth props. I wanted this to be a grand entrance into a new chapter of all of our lives. I needed this to bring us all together, introduce our new family into the world, and show Josh that he is such an important part of that.
‘Right,’ I said, catching my breath after managing to get all of the bags from the car in one go. Josh was sitting on the sofa with his laptop open. I dumped the bags on the bench and sat beside him in the lounge. ‘Maeve still sleeping?’
He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss. ‘Like a baby.’
‘What are you up to here?’
‘Going over some images from my time in the UK.’
I looked on as he skipped through them. London. The Cotswolds. St Michael’s Mount. Claire losing her hat, he showed me with a laugh. Landscapes of the Cornish countryside that I missed so, so much. I shifted closer to Josh, resting my head on his shoulder.
‘England feels like home,’ I said. ‘Cobblers Cove feels like home. But nothing feels as much like home as being this close to you.’
He stopped his hands from moving over the keyboard. ‘I’ve wanted to hear that for so long, and now I don’t know how to respond,’ he said quietly.
‘No response needed,’ I said, kissing his cheek. ‘I just wanted you to know.’
I went to the kitchen and started unpacking. Josh closed the laptop and sat opposite me at the breakfast bar. ‘Do we need all of this food? And what’s this for?’ he added as he plucked out a prop, holding up the glittery mask to his face.
‘It’s for the party?’
‘We’re having a party?’
‘Yes,’ I grinned as I packed the meat into the fridge. ‘We are.’
‘Who’s coming?’
‘Everyone.’
‘It’ll be the Christmas that it should have been.’
His amusement faded. ‘But not everyone will be here.’
I reached over and pressed my palm to his heart. ‘Of course he will, always.’
He came around the bench and pulled me into his arms. Holding me tight, kissing my hair. ‘I love you,’ he murmured.
I gazed up at his face. ‘Keep telling me that every single day, Josh. And I’ll keep telling you. We’ll remind each other that we’re not alone even on the darkest of days, and especially on the most joyous of ones. I want to share it all with you. I think you should officially move in here to the cottage.’
‘Done,’ he said without missing a beat.
I lifted a questioning brow. ‘That easy?’
‘I want this future with you and Maeve.’
‘Hmmmm …’
‘What?’
‘Just wondering what else I should ask for while you’re in this floaty loved-up mood.’
He kissed me long and deep. My stomach clenched splendidly. ‘Ask me for the world and it’s yours, Olivia.’
‘Should we invite …’
Gently, he shook his head. ‘I’m not ready for that,’ he said.
‘Ok.’ I kissed his mouth. ‘Just a thought.’
‘One day, maybe even next Christmas, but not now.’
‘Fair enough, Josh. And I don’t want the world, by the way,’ I whispered. ‘Just all of the things in this cottage right now … and a few more of your kisses …’
He obliged, and I fell in love with him all over again.
***
‘So, you did this every year back in England?’ Josh said as he pulled his ugly Christmas t-shirt over his head.
I smoothed mine, which matched Josh’s, down the front of me, admiring Rudolph in Ray-Bans. ‘Usually its jumpers, but I don’t think we could stand it in this heat. Traditions can be adjusted. It’s the people who carry them out that make it worth it.’
He helped me get Maeve dressed in her pale green onesie, again with funky Rudolph, this time on the butt. I picked her up when I heard a knock at the door.
‘We’re all ready,’ I said. ‘Here come the Frasers.’
Josh followed me out into the lounge. ‘You’re not a Fraser.’
‘Semantics,’ I shrugged.
He opened his mouth to speak but instead I quickly kissed him, moving off to answer the door.
‘Hello, there!’ I said, waving my parents in. ‘Look at you, Dad.’
‘Mum found it in a shop down the road,’ he said, planting a kiss on my cheek. ‘The best she could do apparently.’
I tried not to laugh because he was clearly uncomfortable in the bright yellow t-shirt with a hairy dog on the front. Like my Rudolph he was wearing glasses, which wasn’t so bad, especially since my Dad was too, but the SLEIGH ALL DAY quote was a bit much. I did laugh when Mum walked in with her hound dog wrapped in Christmas lights as he dabbed.
‘The best we could do,’ she said as she hugged me, then gently pressed her mouth to Maeve’s head, breathing her in. ‘God, I miss that smell.’
Two hours later, we were gathered around the small back garden of my cottage, cross-legged on picnic rugs with plates full and balanced on palms as we ate, chatting. Josh’s friends filling my parents in on all there is to know about him; my parents swapping stories about me as they laughed at how clumsy and completely compatible we are. Maeve slept in her pram. Josh sat beside me on a bench beneath a blooming jacaranda, watching on in silence as our worlds came together, drinking it all in.
‘Josh?’ I said. ‘Are you happy?’
He swallowed his food, his eyes scanning over our party. Each of us dressed in crazy things and laughing as if we’d all known each other for years. He expelled a deep breath, his expression relaxed. Legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles, his lips lifted as he found my eyes. ‘I’m not sure I recognise this feeling. I’ve not felt it before, but it feels pretty damn good.’
I leaned over and kissed him. ‘Close enough.’
We spent the afternoon taking photos of each other, freezing in time these first moments as a real couple, a real family. We shared Maeve with my parents, and Aunty Andi, and all of the people she was blessed to have watching over her, always, on this realm and the next. We found joy where there was once none. We found love where we once flouted it. And together we held hands as we thanked this eclectic bunch for uniting as we took our first steps into our next adventure.
‘Speaking of adventure,’ Josh said, as we stood on our small back porch, our audience with full bellies and expectant stares. ‘If she’ll have me, I’d like to ask Olivia to join me on the biggest one of all.’
My heart stopped. My stomach fell to my feet as he dropped to his knee. Gasps from my mum and Andi were the most audible. Josh gazed up at me, pulling a box from his pocket.
‘I’ve wanted to ask you this since that crisp autumn night, all of those months ago. Thousands of miles away from you for most of this year, and my love for you hasn’t faded. I’m careful with my heart, and I trust you with it, always. My question to you, Olivia, is will you keep it safe forever, and marry me?’
The world stopped spinning. ‘I can’t believe this,’ I said, my voice almost caught in the shock.
‘I love you so much, Olivia.’
‘Are you sure about this?’
‘More than I’ve ever been.’
I gazed into his eyes, drawing in a deep breath as I remembered that same autumn night that set all of this in motion, and I nodded, holding my hand out as he slipped the ring on my finger. He rose to his feet and kissed me. Cheers echoed around us. And I cried because, finally, everything had slipped perfectly into
place. We turned to our tribe and felt only love.
This time, I didn’t mind being the centre of attention. This time, I appreciated it, and felt the true spark of joy that love and togetherness can bring.
Thanks for reading A Spark of Joy. I hope you enjoyed it.
If you liked this book, here are my other titles; This Love and Almost Mine.
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