by Beth Massey
With those words, Jon pulled Lydia away from his body for easier access. He nuzzled her neck with his nose and whispered, “Lydia, my eagerness to discover your body knows no bounds.” He planted soft kisses, licks and nibbles from her ear to her bosom. Upon reaching the chasm between her breasts, he breathed her in deeply. When we are married, I will not stop here. I will feast on every inch of your bountiful body.
Lydia felt a clenching between her legs at his words. It seemed an anticipatory sensation caused by the exploration he was promising. Jon had just said there were others who had excited him, but somehow it seemed of no importance. That was then, this was now.
His expressions of love and affection since they became betrothed seemed too genuine to cause her to fret. At that moment, her need to give testimony to her feelings of gratitude and love to this man… who held her life in his hands… was overpowering. “Jon, I know not how to express myself. I fear anything I say will be mere words and sound inadequate to explain my love; but here is my attempt.” Her eyes did not waver from his as she spoke. “Since I have known you, so much about me has changed. I too feel new, and you taught me to hope. You made me laugh even though my heart was aching. Since the day we met, you have built me up and made me feel sure of myself, and you have given me my pride…” a tiny snort could be heard before she said her next words, “yes, you even gave my vanity back to me. Please, believe I am ready for our life together.”
Jane waited for Mr Darcy in the entryway after she left Elizabeth. He burst through the door gasping for breath, and she was certain he had run across the square. She was unsure what to tell him of Elizabeth. She wished she had advice to help him navigate the jumble of emotions Lady Catherine’s words had unleashed, but she was at a loss to fathom her sister’s reaction. Instead she decided to tell him of Georgiana. “Your sister heard your aunt’s vile words. She seemed shaken; and I instructed Mrs Annesley to give her some laudanum. I am going upstairs now to check on her. My sisters and I will ensure she is calmed, while you care for Lizzy. The older footman heard her accusations as well.”
“Thank you, Miss Bennet. Tell Georgiana if she is still awake; I will come to her after I have reassured Elizabeth. Do not worry about James. He is the soul of discretion and has been with my family for twenty years. He himself has unjustly been on the receiving end of my aunt’s wrath before.”
“Thank you, Mr Darcy, for caring for my sister.”
Elizabeth calmed herself in anticipation of his arrival. She attempted to put words to her emotions in preparation for their discussion. When he arrived she was staring at his mother’s painting of the cottage.
He took that as a good sign, but was cautious. He walked to her, and enfolded her in a tight embrace. “Elizabeth, what did she say to you?” Her emotionless voice left him with a feeling of dread that convincing her would not be a simple matter.
“I am sure you have heard from someone else of her accusations. No one within hearing distance was spared.” She was stiff in his arms, but did not push him away.
“Lizzy, you are not depraved.”
“Yes, I am, and so are you. Now, Georgiana and your staff know of our wanton behaviour.”
“Elizabeth, neither she nor anyone else knows we anticipated our vows. Except for that one time, I have not been here. No one saw me that night. Lady Catherine’s accusation was designed to mortify and plant doubt. It appears she was successful.”
She said nothing, but took umbrage at his words as though he implied she was wrong for letting his aunt’s words humiliate.
He lifted her chin and forced her to look at him. Her gaze was inscrutable, “Lady Eleanor said she accused Jon and me of marrying you and Lydia with the plan of continuing to frequent courtesans.”
Lizzy’s look became defiant as he broached the most devastating of his aunt’s charges. “Yes, and she said you were interested in one in particular. A woman named Bella that you had been with since you were sixteen.” She was certain his eyes betrayed guilt.
In desperation to formulate a response that would ease her misgivings, he stalled for time, “I told you the other night my father had taken me to Lady Sarah’s brothel at that age.”
She seemed to take his response to be a diversion, “But you did not mention Bella.”
He put as much love and apology into his eyes as he could muster before he spoke again, “I did not. I should have.”
“Why not?”
In that instant he decided the only way out of her disfavour was to tell her the entire truth… although he continued to fear she would not accept it, “I was frightened of your reaction.”
Those words drew her wrath and she pulled out of his arms. She sat in one of the guest chairs before she spoke. “Oh, so now you are going to blame this disaster on me.”
He winced at her reaction. “No, that is not want I meant. I did not mean to cause you pain, and I am sorry my words offended.”
His apology was completely ignored. “Do you love her?”
Once again, he attempted to win her with accepting his ownership of poor behaviour. “No. She is a friend, nothing more. I should have told you. My cowardice was inexcusable.”
Her eyes narrowed and her lip curled in a smirk of disbelief, “A friend that you pay to give you pleasure?”
There was nothing to be done but continue on his path of contriteness, “Yes, Elizabeth. It sounds tawdry when so expressed, but I assure you I have not been with her since we met. Not even a visit before I decided to propose. When I came to London to find Lydia, I stopped by Teasewell House to procure Lady Sarah’s help with my search. At that time, I paid Bella a farewell visit and told her of you.
Her haughty expression at his words did not seem like his Lizzy at all. She looked much as she had in Kent when she rejected him. It was as though nothing had transpired in Derbyshire at all, “You ‘paid’ this Bella a visit—interesting choice of word. But you say nothing else happened. Surely you do not expect me to believe that true.” Her posture slumped. Her voice was low, and he struggled to hear. “While I was waiting for you to arrive, I came to a decision. I am unable to marry on Thursday. Your aunt’s revelation requires me to re-evaluate my feelings before I commit to a lifetime with you.”
Despite the softness of her utterance, those words caused a shift toward hardness in his attitude. “Yes, Elizabeth, I do expect you to believe me. It offends me that you think me a man with no honour, and your decision not to marry me exhibits such cruelty that I have to force myself to remember your declarations of love.”
He noticed a bit of defensiveness. Could he hope if she knew the magnitude of the pain, her decision had caused him; she would consider listening to his explanation? When she spoke next there was no retreat from her position. “My point is that it is difficult to believe, that after twelve years, you could forego her services when in such close proximity. I have witnessed how much you enjoy deriving physical pleasure in the company of a woman.”
His sigh was audible, and his ring was twisted to aid in preserving his calm. Once again, she chose to wilfully misunderstand him. There was to be no reconciliation, and he knew he was losing his battle to check his annoyance. “It has become tiresome telling you how much I love you—and to be honest—at this moment I am having doubts.” He elicited a reaction that was unintended with his harsh words. He watched her eyes grow wide with disbelief as he spoke of doubts. Perhaps that should be his ploy. He decided to pursue this strategy a bit more to see if he could shake her out of her implacable stance. “It seems such a long time that I have loved you, but it is less than a year since I saw you at the assembly. I have described and apologized numerous times, but I will do so one more time.” He took in a deep breath and began his reiteration. “That night, there was a spark of magic in your eyes that I had never seen before in any other. It frightened me; and instead of speaking the truth, I disguised my feelings in an insult. That act sealed my fate, I believe. It is the justification you use over and over again for not trust
ing me. Yes, I have made mistakes, but you have made mistakes too.”
“To what are you referring? What mistakes have I made? Have I had a lover on the side while I allowed you to court me?”
Darcy came close to her chair, and looked down at her as he delivered his reply with a sneer, “No Elizabeth, unlike me, you are not guilty of depravity. Your sin is to believe everybody—no matter how disreputable… everyone but me. You believed Wickham, who betrayed both our sisters. You believed the maids at Pemberley when you overheard them discussing my ‘mistress.’ Now my vile aunt speaks of my need to marry someone naïve and foolish in order to have a bit on the side, and you find her credible. This is the same aunt, I might add, who sent Mr Collins to express it would be better if Lydia died and that your father should abandon her. Despite your assumptions about me being proven utterly wrong in both the case of Wickham and the maids, you still persist in believing Lady Catherine.
Elizabeth’s attitude remained defiant. She looked up at the annoyed man towering over her, and refused to back down from her belief in Lady Catherine’s accusation. “Her words struck a chord, and besides she validated the maid’s gossip. She said you were trifling with me. Often, I have felt you were flaunting your superior knowledge and laughing at my inexperience.”
Darcy was unprepared for this charge, and he paced the room as he tried to fathom what she meant. “I know not to what you are alluding. When have I laughed at you?”
“You are much more knowledgeable about the ways of sexual pleasure. You have found it humorous that I am inexperienced.”
“Yes, I have often found your lack of disguise in the ways of love making refreshing and titillating. It aroused and amused me to see the innocence and purity of your passion, and I believed when your eyes lit up with pleasure that they were shining for me alone, but I have never laughed at you in arrogance. Pray, when have I trifled with you?”
His words that he found her titillating and refreshing almost diverted her from the path of making her point. “I believe you were trifling with me the other night before you told me of spending time in a brothel. Did you not set out to dazzle me with your prowess so you could make your confession while I was still glowing from the intensity of the sensations?”
Darcy stared at her in disbelief, but knew there was a kernel of truth in her accusation. He had, indeed, hoped his skills would justify his having spent time with courtesans. Despite this he said, “This is your opinion of me? You believe I dispensed pleasure in order to trick you into overlooking my depraved agenda?”
“I think it a possibility and that is the reason I need time to re-evaluate our past dealings and think about my future.”
Darcy, who had been standing during their discussion, dropped into the other guest chair. He put his head in his hands. He was rapidly coming to the realization he would not be wed on Thursday. His words were having absolutely no impact.
Lizzy was moved by his despair, but refused to back down. “I had intended to go for a walk, before Lady Catherine arrived. I will have to go to my parents soon to tell them of my decision, but first I want some time alone to clear my head.” She waited for him to speak, but it was minutes before he did so.
His tone was matter of fact, with a bitter edge, “Elizabeth, I love you, and months ago I realized it is impossible for me to love another. The intensity of my feelings will prompt me to wait a lonely lifetime for you, but you must know that the longer I wait, the more I will be hardened by bitterness. For many months, I have been planning for a magical life with you, but this decision of yours tells me it may be time to put aside those silly dreams. I am so very tired of wishing and hoping for my life to begin with you. Nothing seems to work for me. I speak of love, I write of love, I touch you with love, and still you deny me.”
Darcy sat staring at his mother’s painting. The cottage had been the puzzle piece that allowed him to understand the truth of his feelings for her, and it was the catalyst for him to envision their life together. As he stared at it now, the image, instead, became a monument to his failure. His slightly hysterical chuckle at his use of ‘monument’ as she had in her letter of release caused Lizzy to give him a quizzical look. He needed to express to her just how devastated he was by her decision. “My life is still filled with obligations that must be honoured despite this loss. Georgiana will need my help in dealing with your abandonment, and next spring we must prepare for her presentation at court. At some point, it will become necessary to protect myself from the constant reminder of disappointed hopes. If you have not come to me by Christmas, I will take some action toward that end—so I can start a new year with no illusions.” It took him only a few seconds to think of a solution. “There is a very fine school for young ladies in Meryton run by a Mrs Rutland. I believe your aunt was a student there. I have more than one hundred books with a special page added, dedicating the volume to you. Seen in the harsh light of my current feelings, I believe it was a useless sentimental gesture filled with the promise of some idealized life. Once I remove all those pages from the books, I will give them to Mrs Rutland’s school. There they will have a purpose.”
Elizabeth’s stared in disbelief at his plan of action. He was still staring at the painting of the cottage, and did not notice. His next words were even more shocking to her, “What a fool I was to believe your love for me was as strong as mine. You have always chosen to believe the worst of me. The letter you wrote when you left Derbyshire was a betrayal. When we were reunited in London, I never asked you to explain why you would have such a low opinion of me, and you never owned to your doubt. Your cruel words were swept under the rug. In your letter, you assumed I would not want to associate with you or your family because of Lydia’s disgrace. You judged me lacking in human compassion, and released me from our betrothal. The words you wrote rang in my ears as I endeavoured to save your sister.”
Will’s chuckle laced with cynicism shocked her into remembering what she had written and she shuddered with remorse. His voice dripped with barely concealed anger. “You gave me permission to marry someone else… you even had the audacity to give me advice on what type of woman would be best for me. But the most arrogant of your words requested I never take my wife to ‘our cottage.’ Your idea was that the cottage should be a monument to our brief but intense love. Miss Elizabeth, you accuse me of trifling with you, and yet your letter is a perfect example of you trifling with me. I did not fix up the cottage to be a monument. It was meant to be a retreat for two lovers. A place we could be alone and be free to do what we wanted. We could read… play chess… I could teach you to swim in the pond… we could make love under the waterfall.”
Elizabeth was startled by his use of formal address. She felt compelled by his tone of defeated cynicism to apologize for her letter. She had not meant to trifle. Surely he must realize it had been written while she was distraught. “I was wrong to write such sentimental drivel.”
Will was cognizant that her apology referenced the style, and not the content, of her letter. He decided to ignore her words. He shrugged his shoulders and continued to dismantle his dream. “I will no longer be spending time in the cottage. The memories would be too painful. However, it will be no ‘monument.’ It will fall into disrepair as it did after my mother’s death.”
She stood up and started to leave. His words were confusing her, and she needed to get away from their sting. She had been so certain she had right on her side.
This defeated, bitter, Will Darcy continued to speak as she stood by the door. Unable to turn the handle, she continued to listen. “I could force you to marry me. A trip to your father to tell him we anticipated our vows, and he would ensure your appearance in church on Thursday.
He confronted me with that accusation the other day, but I assured him we had not. I did not want you to have to face his disapproval… so I lied. Besides, what kind of a marriage would it be if you were forced? It certainly would be a far cry from that magical union I planned and imagined. How could you
ever trust me if I coerced you? You do not believe me, but I have never been about exploiting you for my own ends. All I have ever wanted was to love you.”
He refused to look at her. “You should go for your walk. Take your shawl. It looks a bit blustery out there. When you are ready to go to your parents, my carriage will take you. Your sister said Georgiana was upset by my aunt’s words. It is time to check on her. There is much to be done as I want to leave for Pemberley as soon as Jon and Lydia are wed.”
Elizabeth was definitely shaken by this turn in the discussion. However, she resented that she had gone from the moral high ground in their disagreement, to his blaming her for his disappointment. Her parting shot reflected her anger at being cast in the role of destroyer of their plans. “Your father did you no service when he set you on the path of depravity.”
“Miss Elizabeth, please refrain from judging my father. I know I spoke harshly in Kent of your parents… but I was wrong. On the matter of education, neither of us is able to discern completely the motivations of either of our fathers in the choices they made for their children.” He wanted to be out of her company. Every moment their argument continued, he feared his inability to contain his growing anger. His hand topped hers on the handle. The tingle that always accompanied their touching was ignored by both.
Lizzy pulled her hand away and decided she should also revert to formality in her address. “Mr Darcy, I apologize for blaming your father for what is truly your sin. I had no idea when I agreed to make love with you just how degenerate you were.”
She saw the look of heightened anger her words had unleashed. He delayed his leaving to answer her. “Ah, I see, you have decided to rewrite history. Just the other night you told me you bent over to entice me into agreeing to make love with you. Miss Elizabeth, you are a hypocrite, and I truly hope your fingers bring you great joy.” With those words the handle was turned, the door opened with great force, and he left without a backward glance.