But first I have to shut Danny up.
‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Your turn!’
I put two marshmallows in my mouth.
‘Five Chubby Bubbies.’
It’s getting very hard to say ‘Chubby Bubbles’, but then that is the point of the game.
Danny picks up a handful of marshmallows. He counts them out and stuffs them all into his mouth.
‘Ten Chubby Bubbies!’ he says, although it sounds more like ‘dem dubby ubbees’.
I take an even bigger handful. I poke them one by one into the corners of my mouth. Way down into the bottom of my cheeks. One by one into the space between my gums and the top of my lips. I flatten them and paste them across the roof of my mouth. One underneath my tongue. Others moulded around my teeth.
‘Fifteen Chubby Bubbies!’ I say. Only it doesn’t sound like that. It doesn’t sound like anything . . . well, nothing human anyway.
I’ve got to admit that I’m feeling pretty proud of myself.
Danny’s eyes are wide. He’s wondering how he’s ever going to top my effort.
Somebody taps me on the shoulder and I almost swallow the lot. That was close.
I turn around.
It’s Lisa and Roseanne. Lisa is clutching her book.
‘Hi, Andy,’ says Lisa, ‘are you having a good time?’
Why does she have to pick now to start talking to me? Right now, when I’ve got fifteen marshmallows in my mouth? I can’t talk to her because I would have to swallow them—and I can’t swallow them because I’ll lose the competition and owe Danny one million dollars. But I can’t not talk to her because, well, she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. And I can’t let her find out that I’ve stuffed my mouth full of marshmallows because then the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met will think I’m more of an idiot than she already does.
I do the only thing possible.
I nod.
Pretty rude to just nod when somebody asks you if you’re having a good time, I know, but maybe she’ll think I’m just the strong silent type.
She smiles.
‘That’s good,’ she says. ‘Have you had something to eat?’
If only she knew the truth.
I nod again.
Lisa frowns.
‘Are you all right?’ she says.
I nod for a third time. I give her the thumbs up and try to smile appreciatively without letting the fifteen marshmallows erupt from my mouth.
‘Can I ask you something?’ she says.
An idea comes to me.
I can’t swallow the marshmallows, but maybe I can take them out for a while. We can resume the game later.
I pretend that I’m going to sneeze.
‘Ah . . . ah . . .’
I turn away from the table.
‘Choo!’
I ‘sneeze’ the marshmallows into my right hand, wipe my mouth and turn back to face Lisa and Roseanne.
‘Bless you,’ says Lisa.
‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘What did you want to ask me?’
She blushes and looks shy.
‘Can we see your palm?’ she asks.
‘Sure,’ I say.
I hold out my left hand.
She shakes her head.
‘No, I need your right hand,’ she says.
I can feel the wet stickiness of the fifteen half-chewed marshmallows dripping through my fingers. It’s not a nice feeling. I don’t think Lisa really needs to see this.
‘You don’t want to see my right hand,’ I say.
‘Yes I do,’ she says. ‘The book says that the right hand gives a more accurate reading.’
‘Not in my case,’ I say. ‘My left hand is much better. Isn’t it, Danny?’
He nods. It’s not like he can really do anything else.
‘Andy,’ says Roseanne, ‘just show us your right hand.’
I’m going to have to show them my hand.
But not with the marshmallows.
I turn away from them, slip the gooey mess into my jacket pocket and wipe my palm on my jeans. I hold it out flat.
‘Thank you, Andy,’ says Lisa.
She takes hold of my hand. It is still moist and sticky from the marshmallows, but she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s too busy comparing it with the picture in her book.
‘Good heartline,’ says Lisa to Roseanne.
‘Strong lifeline,’ says Roseanne to Lisa.
‘This is very promising,’ says Lisa. She gives me the most beautiful smile and lets go of my hand. She’s obviously noticed the similarity between my palm and the picture in the book. Funny about that.
Lisa and Roseanne rush back to the other girls.
Danny shakes me. He points at his mouth. He points at my pocket. He points at my mouth. He wants to get on with the game.
‘Okay, okay,’ I say.
I take the molten mass out of my pocket. It’s not quite as white as it was before— there’s blue fluff and bits of sand embedded in it. But unappealing as it is, I have to put it back in my mouth—the thought of owing Danny a million dollars is much worse.
I cup my hand over my mouth and suck the marshmallows back in. It makes me want to be sick, but I stifle the urge.
Danny is holding up six marshmallows. If he can put all of them in his mouth he will be one ahead of me. He pushes them in with ease. The interruption has given him an advantage. His marshmallows have melted more than mine. But that’s fair. It was me who stopped.
‘Thithsteen thubba ummees,’ he says, white juice spilling out of the corners of his mouth.
I take another two marshmallows and squash them in my palm to make them as small as possible. I poke them into my bulging mouth.
‘Thebentee ubby ubbas,’ I say.
Seventeen! This must be a world record. Danny will never beat this.
But he pushes another one into his mouth. And another. And another. And another. That’s twenty! That’s incredible. But I’m not through yet.
I push one in. My bottom jaw feels like it’s going to come apart from my top jaw.
I push another one in. My head is going to explode. My eyeballs are going to pop out.
I push the twentieth marshmallow in. It pops straight back out. I pick it up and use the straw from my drink to push it as far into my mouth as I can.
I’ve done it! We’re even! I’m about to try for twenty-one when I feel another tap on my shoulder.
‘Andy?’
I turn around.
It’s Lisa again. With her book.
‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘I just need to check your mount of Venus.’
She grabs my hand and pokes the fleshy part at the base of my thumb.
She looks back across to the girls.
‘It’s true!’ she calls. ‘It’s true!’
The girls all come running over.
Lisa displays my hand to them.
‘See?’ she says, holding up the picture in the book as well. ‘The same!’
‘Let’s have a look at his other hand!’ says Roseanne.
She grabs my left hand.
‘A perfect match!’ she announces.
Lisa beams.
I can’t believe how well she’s fallen for my trick. I only wish I didn’t have twenty marshmallows in my mouth. I think I’d be as happy as she is.
‘You have to kiss now,’ says Roseanne. ‘Come on, Andy, kiss Lisa!’
Somebody throws a handful of glitter over us.
‘Lovers!’ they cry.
Lisa closes her eyes and puts her cheek forward. It is the most beautiful cheek I have ever seen. It is like the cheek of a princess in a fairytale. It is a lovely pink colour and the glitter is making it sparkle.
I want to kiss her.
I really do.
But I can’t.
What I really want to do is sneeze. For real this time. I think a bit of glitter has gone up my nose. And when you’re holding twenty marshmallows in your mouth and you’re standing in front of the most beautiful girl in
the universe, that’s a bit of a worry.
I’ve got to swallow.
I’ve got to swallow before I sneeze.
But I can’t. It’s like trying to swallow a wet face-washer. I’ve simply got too much in my mouth.
I try to turn away and put my hands over my mouth like when I did the fake sneeze, but I can’t. Lisa’s holding my right hand. Roseanne is holding my left.
‘Ah . . . ah . . .’
There’s no stopping it. I wrench my left hand away from Roseanne and try to put it across my mouth in time.
‘Choo!’
Too late.
The marshmallow mush comes leaping through my fingers. It’s like the white foam on the edge of a breaking wave.
‘He’s frothing at the mouth!’ screams Roseanne. ‘He’s got rabies!’
The remains of twenty half-chewed marshmallows have gone all over the front of my shirt, my jeans, my shoes and the carpet.
At least they didn’t go over Lisa.
Correction.
At least most of them didn’t go over Lisa. She hasn’t noticed yet but a glob of marshmallow goo has landed right in the middle of her cheek. It looks a lot like—well I won’t say—but it comes out of the back end of birds.
Everybody is staring at me.
‘You poor thing,’ says Lisa, rubbing my back. ‘Are you feeling okay?’
Hey! She thinks I’m sick! Maybe this is not so bad after all.
I bend over double, and groan.
‘Must have been an off marshmallow,’ I say.
I look up.
Danny is dancing around the room.
‘I win!’ he cries. ‘I win!’
Everyone is staring at him.
I’m trying to signal to him to shut up—to let him know that I’ll concede victory if only he’ll shut up. But he doesn’t take the hint.
‘What do you mean, Danny?’ says Lisa, puzzled.
‘You spew, you lose,’ says Danny. ‘And he spewed!’
‘I did not spew,’ I say. ‘I sneezed.’
‘Same difference,’ he says. ‘You owe me a million bucks!’
‘What are you talking about?’ says Lisa. ‘What did you win?’
‘Chubby Bubbies!’ says Danny. ‘Twenty marshmallows each. But he couldn’t hold his!’
As what has happened dawns on everybody, their looks of sympathy turn to disgust.
Danny starts up his victory dance again.
‘Twenty marshmallows,’ he sings. ‘Twenty marshmallows.’
I fold my arms, roll my eyes and shake my head.
‘He is so immature,’ I say to Lisa.
‘He’s not the only one,’ says Lisa.
What can I say? How can I make her understand that I didn’t want to play Chubby Bubbies? That Danny left me no choice?
‘I know what you’re thinking . . .’ I say.
‘You do?’ says Lisa, picking up a marshmallow and squeezing it between her thumb and fingers. ‘What am I thinking?’
‘You’re thinking that I’m really immature and gross and disgusting . . .’
‘That’s right,’ says Lisa. ‘But that’s not all.’
‘It’s not?’
‘No,’ she says. ‘I also think you’ve got a very big mouth.’
‘Right,’ I say.
‘But not as big as mine,’ she says.
Lisa puts the marshmallow into her mouth without taking her eyes from mine.
‘One Chubby Bubby,’ she says.
Just Stupid! Page 9