by Dara Girard
“But that wasn’t your fault.”
Brett lifted up his sleeve to reveal his Charlotte tattoo. “I wasn’t a true friend. I wanted to hurt him and I did. And Delaney saw that because she’s as nasty as me. I pretend to be someone else, but—”
Corinne started to reach for him then drew away. “No, that’s not—”
“Your son is so precious and for a moment when I had him in my car, the roads were wet and I wondered what would happen if I made a mistake again…”
“It was an accident.”
“The car crash yes, but not what happened afterwards. That was on purpose. He blamed me; I let him, but then when he did what he did… I wanted to hurt them both. I used her, toyed with him… I should have let it go. Or forgiven them, especially him. I shouldn’t have left him hanging and then shoved my happiness into his pain.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Sometimes I feel so broken that it’s hard to breathe. As if I’m made up of shattered glass and every breath cuts me inside, causing me to bleed. I’m a broken man; an ugly man with deep scars. That day when I saw you standing on the metro platform I knew what you were thinking because I’ve thought it myself. Many times. I can’t love you; I can’t love your son. Not the way you both deserve.” He pushed his chair back and stood.
“Brett—”
“You don’t know how much I hate you seeing me like this. I’m ashamed.”
“Brett we can—”
“I can’t. I’m telling you who I really am. I’m not kind. I’m not good. I’m telling you I can’t be what you need.”
And she heard him and it angered her. It angered her that he was pushing her away when she’d been so careful. So understanding. She’d let him guard his secrets, but now he’d grown tired of her. Now that Jason was back in her life he didn’t want the responsibility. She wasn’t fun anymore.
“I thought you were different,” she said bitter. “But you’re a coward like Harrison. You always get to set the rules. One moment I’m convenient and then I’m not. Don’t pretend to be noble. Don’t pretend you’re pushing me away as some grand gesture of protecting me and my son. You’re giving me excuses not reasons. You’re protecting yourself because you are—” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I hate you so much right now.” She glared at him. “The first time I saw you, I thought you were a heartless, cold bastard and I was right. But you’re not only that, you’re also cruel.”
“Corinne—”
“Cruel enough to let my son trust you. What am I supposed to say to him now? No, don’t say anything. This is my fault. I was the foolish one. I knew this wouldn’t last. I knew you weren’t the one and I lied to myself that you were worth the risk. I was wrong.”
She turned and stormed away.
Chapter Thirty-Five
She lied.
Over the next several weeks Corinne lied to her son about Brett. She told him Brett was traveling and that was why they couldn’t see him. When Jason caught her crying one night, she lied that she had watched a movie that had made her sad.
When he wondered why she’d forgotten to pick up his Halloween costume from the store, she lied and said she’d gotten busy at work. Some nights she dreamed about a dead dragon, a magnificent creature that had once helped her soar into the clouds, now lay still at the mouth of a dark cave, its eyes closed. There was no promise of flight. No promise of ecstasy. She stood and grieved alone.
When Jason asked her why her eyes were puffy and red, she told him she couldn’t sleep.
Then one Saturday morning as a December snow softly fell outside, he replied to one of her lies with something she never wanted to hear again.
“I want to live with Dad.”
This time she heard him the first time.
“We agreed that you’d stay with me for six months and then we’d decide.”
“No,” Jason said his eyes filling his tears. “I want to go now.”
“Why? I thought—”
He lowered his head and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand, his voice shaking. “I know you don’t like being a mom.”
Corinne stared at him utterly astonished. “What?”
“I know because when we moved here you were sad. I was always in the way, you were always wondering what to do with me and then when I left to live with Dad, you got pretty and you got new clothes and met Uncle Brett. But now…now I’m back with you and you’re sad again.”
She inwardly shuddered; guilt piercing her. She rushed around the table and pulled him into her arms. “Oh, my darling. I am so sorry you ever thought that. It’s not true.” She drew back and cupped his tear-stained face in her hands. “I love being a mom, especially your mom. You’re the most important person to me. I missed you every day you weren’t here. I got new clothes and worked hard at my business because I wanted to make you proud. I wanted you to be proud that I’m your mom.”
“I am, Mom,” he said, “and I love you.” He kissed her on the cheek and hugged her. “But you’re still sad.”
He was right and the guilt dug deeper. She didn’t want her son to see that. “That’s not your fault, it’s mine. I’m working on it.”
“Uncle Brett said I should draw you a picture. Would you like one?”
She felt her heart twist. “You spoke to Brett?”
He frowned. “Yes, I call him sometimes. Mr. Lattimore too. Why are you looking like that? I didn’t do anything wrong, did I? You said I could. You said it was okay.”
Her heart pounded. Of course! Jason thought nothing was wrong. Jason didn’t know she and Brett had broken up. She’d forgotten about her lies. She felt relieved that Brett hadn’t abandoned her son and cut him out of his life the way he had her. She was grateful that Jason wouldn’t be hurt, but she was also angry. Like Harrison, Brett had tossed her aside and saved his affection for her son. It was so much easier to dote on a child. But a woman? Was that too much? Of course it was. He couldn’t love her. That’s what he’d told her.
He couldn’t love her. But she wouldn’t think about that now. She didn’t care. She didn’t care if Jason visited Brett and his father. They were no longer part of her life and she’d move on. She turned her attention back to Jason and saw him studying her face, unsure. She forced a smile, but as she looked into his serious brown eyes her smile became genuine. “I’d love to get a picture from you,” she said. “Something I can hang in my office and think of you.”
He jumped up. “I’m going to get started right now.”
“Clear your dishes first.”
He quickly gathered his plate and utensils and put them in the sink with a clatter before he dashed out of the room.
Corinne tried not to think about Brett as she washed up the dishes, but he wasn’t far from her mind.
She heard the doorbell and frowned. She wasn’t in the mood for visitors. She’d told her parents about her breakup, how she was hiding the truth from Jason, and her mother had patted her on the shoulder and said, “What a kerfuffle,” before putting on a pot of tea. Since then she’d been plying her with enough buns and biscuits to open a shop.
Corinne opened the front door and stared surprised to see Rania. “You haven’t worn your fourth pair yet.”
Corinne shook her head. “Did you really need to come to my house to say that?”
“Yes.” She pushed past her and walked into the living room.
“Doesn’t matter. I’ll get to them when I’m ready.”
Rania sat and said in a low voice, “What are you waiting for?”
“I really don’t need this right now.”
“You’re so close. You can have all that you want, if you’re willing to reach for it and hold on.”
Corinne lowered her voice not wanting her son to overhear although his bedroom was a good distance away. “I’ve already lost Brett.”
“And you’re going to lose him for good if you don’t change.”
“Change?” Her voice cracked. “Why would I have to change? He told me to leave.”
; Rania raised her brows shocked. “Did he really? When?”
“He said he couldn’t love me. That he couldn’t be with me. That a relationship wouldn’t work.”
“He said that?”
Corinne rolled her eyes annoyed. “I’m paraphrasing. It’s the basic gist.”
“But did he tell you to leave? Did he say the words?”
Corinne scowled wondering why Rania was being so particular. She hesitated. “I don’t know.”
“Think.”
The conversation had been so painful she hated to think about it. She hated to see how Brett had been shaking and avoiding her gaze. How he’d said he couldn’t love her, how much of a jerk he was, how she’d been afraid to touch him…but…he hadn’t told her to leave. Why hadn’t she noticed that? “But he wanted me to leave. I could tell.”
“Really?”
“He didn’t want me to see him. He said he was embarrassed.”
“So you left him.”
“But he said he—” She stopped horrified. He’d never said he’d wanted her to go.
“In your application you said you preferred lions over dragons. Why is that?”
“Because lions are real.”
“But you treated Brett like a dragon. Like a mythical creature out of reach. How long were you willing to let him guard his secrets, like a dragon guards its treasure? Were you ever willing to take the risk to shine a light in his darkness even if that meant he would run away? You didn’t want to push him; you didn’t want to love him. That’s what he knew. That’s why you left. He didn’t leave you.”
She’d left him. She’d walked out on him. How could she have been so blind? She’d acted like a child. Like Jason, she’d seen what she’d wanted to see. She’d become so used to being mistreated, to Harrison’s manipulation, that she hadn’t seen how different Brett was. He hadn’t said he didn’t love her, just that he couldn’t. She now saw that he was afraid. Afraid that she’d leave him and she had.
She wondered if Tyrone had been like Bonnie; if he hadn’t been a true friend at all. What if he’d been jealous of Brett? What if he’d wanted to make him suffer? Wanted to punish him? That’s why he’d chosen Delaney of all the woman to betray Brett with. He knew how Brett felt about her. His father had once told her that Brett loved too fully, without restraint and that betrayed love had turned him into someone vengeful. Dangerous. That’s what frightened him about himself, so he’d learned to protect himself…and others.
Her pain had made her blind to his fears.
Rania leaned forward. “There are times to let go and times to hold on. What are you going to do now?”
Corinne sighed. Rania was right. It was time for her to change. Time to stop settling for feeling like a victim, to take hold of what she wanted even if it wasn’t perfect.
“You really think wearing the final pair of stockings will make a difference?” she said, doubtful.
Rania flashed a mischievous grin. “You haven’t really looked at them, have you? When you do, the answer will come to you.” She stood. “Good luck.”
“Wait, how did you know he hadn’t told me to leave?”
“I didn’t.”
“And if he had?”
“I would have asked you why you’d listened.” Rania folded her arms. “It’s not about him Corinne. It’s about you. How your actions affect others.”
You’re more powerful than you think, Brett had once told her. She finally understood what he meant.
Corinne raced to her bedroom and pulled out her final pair of stockings. When she saw its design she started to smile. She understood exactly what Rania meant and knew what to do.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Cold, heartless bastard. Cruel.
Cruel.
Cruel.
Brett lay on his couch, wrapped in a throw, with Martha curled up at his feet and Alvin asleep on his head, purring softly. Corinne was right. She’d seen the truth and been disgusted, just as he thought she would be.
He’d gotten too close. He’d been able to go to work, although he hadn’t been able to drive. He hadn’t been able to get control of the shaking yet, even at work there had been a number of times clients had noticed his hand trembling and been too polite to say anything.
He heard a knock on the front door and pulled up the throw tighter around him. Alvin shifted his position. Brett hoped whoever was there would take the silence as a hint and go away.
After the sound of the doorbell, he heard a key in the lock and groaned. It had been a mistake to give his mother a key. He hadn’t returned their calls in a while and he’d been prepared for one of them to check in on him. She’d be delighted to see him on the couch like this. He wouldn’t fight her. “You’re right, Mom,” he called out when he heard the front door close. “When she found out who I really am, she stepped on my heart and I let her because I’m weak. You don’t have to rub it in.”
He heard the sound of her high heels come closer. He closed his eyes. “I wasn’t careful. I know. You were right, I was wrong.”
He heard Alvin grumble in protest as he was pushed away. He felt a gentle hand on his forehead.
Brett froze. His mother never touched his forehead like that. Even when she suspected he had a fever, she’d just pop a thermometer in his mouth and check the reading. He opened his eyes and blinked twice when he saw black stockings with a spider web pattern. His gaze slowly lifted to a sleek black dress and finally fell on a face he’d foolishly grown to love.
Corinne!
He sat up, frantic. She wasn’t supposed to be there. Damn, why was he shaking again? She wasn’t supposed to see him like this. “Wh-what are you doing here?”
She sat down beside him, a secretive smile on her lips. “I have something I forgot to tell you.”
Hadn’t she told him enough? He knew he was cruel. He knew how much he’d hurt her. He knew all his flaws and failings. “I don’t—”
“My given name isn’t Corinne.”
He furrowed his brows. He didn’t know why that was important.
“It’s Charlotte.” She took his hand. “I may not be small and wise and I might get scared and run away, but one thing you can count on is that I will come back. I will always come back to you. You won’t be alone.”
“But—”
“I was wrong. I didn’t hear you and I’m sorry. You’re not heartless or cruel anymore than I am.”
He shook his head with regret, his voice broke. “I’m a broken man, trying to put himself back together—”
“You don’t have to do that,” she said with a gentle smile. “You can’t go back to the past; you can’t try to think of all the ways you could have been someone different. Change who you used to be. You have to become somebody new.” She squeezed his hand. “You once told me how we tend to contract our bodies as we get older, but I think we contract our lives too. I did it. I kept my social circle small. I kept thinking about reasons why my marriage broke up, so much so that I didn’t even realize how much I was hurting my son by not living in the present, and not looking towards the future.” She squeezed his hand tighter. “It’s time you expand your life too. You’ve more than enough made up for the past. It’s time to open up and let us in. Let me be in your life and Jason too. Let your life be as big as your heart because that’s who you truly are: A man with a tender heart who got it broken.”
“But I—”
“I don’t care. It’s over.” She bit her lip. “I said words to you out of anger that I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. The man who helped Mrs. Hayson’s dream come true is far from cold or heartless. The man who made up an animal fundraiser so my son could feel needed is far from cruel. He’s someone I love.”
“I know I scared you when you found out the truth about me,” he said in a raw voice.
Corinne shook her head. “No, I was already scared. I was scared that what we had was too good to be true. I expected it to end. You just gave me a reason to run away.”
He swallowed. “Why di
d you come back?”
“Because I’m your Charlotte and I love you. You don’t have to be alone anymore.”
His body still shook, but she wasn’t letting go. He felt the strength of her grip on his hand. It wasn’t light, it was grounded. Committed. She wasn’t going anywhere. She was staying with him. Staying by him. She accepted him fully.
And in that moment he became a new man. He no longer felt the jagged edges of his regrets and sorrows, instead he felt peace. Joy. Love. He loved her completely and the thought didn’t frighten him anymore. It made him feel strong.
He gathered her in his arms and kissed her because he could not tell her with words how much she meant to him. He drew back and took a deep breath. “Can I hire you for another event?”
Corinne blinked, confused by the change in topic. “Okay…what is it?”
“Do you do weddings?”
Corinne’s face softened into a smile and the love in her eyes made him feel at home. “It’s not my specialty, but I already have a few ideas…”
Two years later…
Corinne tried to keep sight of Jason’s blue knit cap, the one Mr. Lattimore had knitted for him, as her son made his way through the crowded metro platform. He pushed the stroller in front of him as if he were navigating a ship, taking pride in his role as older brother to his younger brother Liam. They were all headed to the Kennedy Center for a performance Jason had seen before and was eager to share with his brother.
Corinne was about to call out to tell Jason to slow down when she spotted her husband, Brett, getting close to the knit cap. Fortunately, seeing him proved much easier and she let her worries subside. He knew how to keep an eye on them.
She looked up at the schedule and saw the train was to arrive soon.
“Are you going to the children’s theater?” a voice said behind her. She turned and saw Doris. She hadn’t seen her in a while and when she’d asked Doris’ daughter about her, when they’d both volunteered for an event at their children’s school, she’d told Corinne her mother had been traveling.