For Juju and me the truth is the same, but for her the consequences have been much more traumatic. We are staying at Gabby’s till we fly to Melbourne– I’ve got to put as much distance between her and Keith as I can. The sale of Aunty Ruth’s house will take about eight weeks, but Dad said we should leave sooner than that and he’ll send us the money. If we arrive in England in the spring its beauty might lift Juju’s spirits.
I’ve known three mothers. Virginia who adopted me. Eleanor, the woman I thought was my natural mother and Ruth who really is. Actually there are four. Eleanor had two personas, the real one and the fictitious one I had believed for years before Juju’s advent enlightened me.
Four mothers and three fathers. Alex will always be Dad to me. Johnny the coward and Johnny the hero. And Laurence. Grief stricken Laurence.
Last night I swore to the fates that Juju and I will find happiness. We will buy a farm in England. We will start a riding school. We will fall in love and get married. We will have children. We will. We will.
***
Greg was preparing a plot for the winter vegetables when he heard a car. Shading his eyes he saw it was Hazel’s, but the only occupant was Eleanor. As soon as she began to walk towards him, he was aware that she looked ten years younger. The grey streaks in her hair had gone. It was shorter and the gleaming dark curls were the same colour as they had been thirty years ago. The navy trousers and white cotton shirt were new. He wondered, with a sense of panic, how much her transformation had cost.
“Greg, I’ve got something important to tell you.”
Hardening his voice he said, “More lies? The most useful thing you can do is change out of those posh clothes and get to work.” He thrust his shovel into the wheelbarrow and lifted out a pile of manure.
“I’ve made a decision about Eumeralla.”
He saw her satisfied expression, and was furious with himself for displaying his fear. He tried and failed to sound calm. “What about it?”
“Let’s go inside and sit down.”
“I haven’t got time.”
“If that’s the way you want it I’ll get a solicitor to notify you.” She began to walk away.
“Wait, Eleanor. Please.”
She went onto the verandah and sat down, leaving him no choice but to follow.
“Okay. What are you going to do?”
She rested her elbows on the table and linked her fingers. He saw that she had even had a manicure and wore clear nail polish. As he caught a whiff of perfume he realized she was wearing make-up. Barely discernible, he only knew because her lips gleamed, her cheeks were pink and she had plucked her eyebrows. Signalling his indifference by not bothering to wash his hands, he sat opposite her.
“Greg, a long time ago I made two mistakes. The first one was sending Johnny away and the second was marrying you. I refuse to apologize that I didn’t tell you about Ruth.”
“You’ve got a cheek. You knew how I felt about having children.”
“I was giving you children – twin girls that would grow up thinking you were their father. I’d suffered because of Johnny’s obsession – I wasn’t going to endure all that again with another man.”
“That’s all I was to you, wasn’t it? Another man. It could have been any man, but I was around at the time and you knew me. Saved you a lot of trouble, didn’t it? I don’t want to listen to your excuses. Get to the point. What about Eumeralla?”
“No. I’ll tell you this my way in my time. I’m not giving you excuses – I’m giving you reasons. The time for charades is over. You accused me of never loving you and I denied it. For years I denied it to myself. But you were right. I didn’t love you and I never have. I wanted to and I tried, but I couldn’t. I was grateful to you and sorry I couldn’t feel more.”
Hiding his pain, he scowled.
“And I’ve ceased to be grateful to you,” she continued. “Because if you revile me for one lie I don’t think that you ever loved me either.”
Her accusation infuriated him. “Are you trying to soothe your conscience, or what? I wanted to marry you for ages, but Johnny got there first. You’re the one who killed my feelings for you so don’t try and make it my fault.”
“Greg, you never listened to what I wanted. Eumeralla was mine and you took over the running of it. Anything you wanted we got and anything I wanted we didn’t. The children were so completely yours ... except Hazel. The thing I wanted most was a flushing toile — tand we still haven’t got it.”
“Because they cost a fortune.”
“We’ve got thousands stashed away in the bank. I didn’t know how much till I went to Brisbane and checked. You immediately took over the money and left me out.”
“If I hadn’t we’d have been bankrupt with all your fancy schemes.”
“One flushing toilet would have bankrupted us? Was Eumeralla bankrupt when you arrived on the scene? I’m capable of managing money — I did all right when Johnny left. You’re a miser.”
“I did what I did for the family. For you ... for all of us. Your accusations are unfair.”
“And so is your judgement of me. I can’t live like this any more. I’m moving to Brisbane. I’ve rented a flat near Hazel.”
“What?” He felt sick. “You can’t sell Eumeralla.”
“I could. It’s mine.” She said nothing further.
“Get on with it, Eleanor.”
“When I’m ready. I want you to suffer the same unhappiness that I’ve had.”
He didn’t care any more that his misery was transparent. “I never thought we’d come to this ... deliberately hurting each other.”
“Neither did I,” she said more gently. “I’m not selling Eumeralla. I’m going to give it to Tom and Neil and Keith if he wants it. He’s already a part owner.”
His face regained some of its colour. “Thanks.” He reached over and took her hands. “Stay here. We need you. How are you going to pay the rent for this stupid flat in Brisbane? The money in the bank’s our insurance against disaster.”
“It’s not a stupid flat. It’s clean and modern. It’s got – ”
“But how are you going to pay the rent?”
“Don’t panic about money. I had an interview yesterday and I start work on Monday.”
“You’ve got a job?”
His astonishment made her laugh. “Yes. With an insurance company. I start at nine, finish at five, an hour for lunch and four weeks’ holiday a year. The pay’s good too. So I’ll be independent. You won’t miss me – you’ll just miss the extra person to share the work.”
“I’m sorry you think like that. It’s not true.” He stood up and went over to the verandah rails. “You never loved Eumeralla the way I did. Even though it was yours.”
“When I was young I did.” She sounded wistful. “And when I was here with Johnny. It’s when you took over that I began to dislike it. Johnny and I had fun in the early days ... before the urge for children became desperate, and the months were not just the passing of time, but if I was pregnant or not. Marriage to you was a chore.”
Greg turned and looked at her. “I’m sorry I made things difficult for you. I was frightened about losing all our money. If things don’t work out in the city, I’ll welcome you back here and when you go I’ll miss you. Tom and Neil will too — and not just because of the work. It won’t be much good here now – all coves together. The last few days have been dismal. Keith’s broken up about Juju, Tom’s still sad about Kim and I’m cut up about you. I’ll have to encourage the lads to get married.”
“When we get divorced maybe you’ll find someone else.”
He snorted. “Divorce. Is that what you want?”
She nodded.
“My feelings for you were true, Eleanor. I don’t want any other woman – I never have. Would it have made a difference if I’d got a flushing toilet?”
She smiled wryly. “The success of a marriage depending on something so mundane ... sounds mad, doesn’t it? But yes, I would have known that what I wanted wa
s important.”
“If you hadn’t told me the truth just now about not loving meI would have gone into town and got one right now. Is it too late?”
“Yes.”
He sighed. “What did Hazel say?”
“She had no idea I’d harboured such secrets. She thought it was dramatic and thrilling.”
“She would.” He shook his head in disgust. “She’s superficial.”
“Just because she doesn’t like Eumeralla?”
“No. The only things that interest her are boys and clothes, going to the pictures and having a good time. Her reaction disappoints me, but I expected it.”
“Did you want her to condemn me?”
“No, Eleanor. She should have had some pity. It doesn’t upset her that our marriage is over or that Juju can’t marry Keith. And it bothers me that you’re going to live in Brisbane near her. She’ll be to busy going out to keep you company.”
“Hazel’s normal. She believes life is fun and people should be happy. You’re the superficial one. And you’ve made Tom, Juju and Neil just like you. Your passion for Eumeralla’s stunted you all. You’re contemptuous about anyone who lives in a city. I won’t be lonely. Contrary to your opinion of city people, the ones I’ve met so far are friendly. I can walk to the shops and I’m going to buy some more decent clothes.”
He envisaged going to the bank and finding there was no money in the account. “Make sure it’s your own money you spend.”
“Stop being dictatorial or I’ll demand my share,” she retorted. “I’ve been to the hairdresser and Hazel’s bought me perfume and make-up.”
“I had noticed.”
“I was sick of looking older than I am. I want to be smart like Virginia. I’ll go down to Sydney and ask her to help me choose more new clothes. I’ll buy a car too – a new one.”
“Oh, Eleanor, I don’t know you any more.”
“You never knew me.” She stood up. “Well, it’s time to go and tell Tom and Neil.”
As she walked to the steps, he put his hand out and touched her arm. “Hang on. Last week you told me you married me because you loved me. Now you tell me you didn’t – so when Johnny came back, why did you send him away? Were you punishing him at my expense?”
“No. You’d proposed to me and I’d said yes. I didn’t want to hurt you, Greg. We’d had such fun together when we were children. I keep my promises. I almost broke it though. Sending Johnny away was the hardest thing I ever did. I knew I’d made the wrong decision. I intended to tell you I wanted Johnny back, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt you. Besides I wouldn’t have been free to marry you for another two and a half years. I thought I had plenty of time. But I didn’t. One week ... that’s all I had. It was so hard. I felt that my promise to marry you was the same as my vow to Ruth. The promise you made to me in church didn’t mean the same though, did it? As soon as you found out I’d deceived you, you stopped loving me. It’s all been for nothing,” she said bitterly. “I could have broken our engagement and let Johnny come back. He’d still be alive ... nowhere near that fire. We would have been happy.”
“How? Your happiness would have been based on the lie that Juju and Fiona were his.”
“I wouldn’t have had to lie for long – after all I’d thought for years that they were his daughters.”
“Exactly. Surely it would have killed your trust?”
“I blamed Ruth.”
“Would you ever have tackled him about it?”
“No.”
“And the continuation of your marriage to him would have been based on a lie – just as ours was. Johnny only came back because of the twins – not because of you. You must have loved him a lot more than he loved you.”
She turned her back on him, but not before he had seen how his words had wounded her.
“I’ll go and find Neil and Tom and tell them what I’ve decided.”
Greg stood on the verandah and watched her walk to the car. Long after she’d driven away he gazed at the spot where she had vanished from view. When he went into the bedroom he saw that she had left her wedding ring on the chest of drawers. Beside it was the leather box that had contained the wedding ring Jonathan had given her. It was empty.
Tom and Neil came back to the house. Keith was setting the table and had almost convinced Greg that Eleanor would never leave once she had talked to her sons. Greg saw from their dazed expressions that he had been foolish to hope.
“She’s gone. She’s not coming back,” said Tom.
“We tried to persuade her to stay.” Neil shook his head.
“I’m sorry,” said Greg. “I was too harsh and unforgiving.” He put their plates of salad and bread and butter on the table. Keith had set a place for Eleanor, but unable to stand the sight of the empty chair he took it and the cutlery into the kitchen. The events of the past few months had been so cataclysmic that he found it difficult to believe that he had looked forward to anything. The prospect of Kim and Tom getting married and living on Eumeralla and having children had compensated for the decline in his agility and the ache in his bones when he got up in the morning. Although he had been concerned about any children Keith and June might have, he had reassured himself that if the risk was too great cousins would not be permitted to marry. He had seen himself and Eleanor teaching their grandchildren to ride and nurture the land. In their old age they would know that when they died Eumeralla would be safe for another generation. Instead, four sorrowing men were left and he wondered how it would survive.
Toddles circled the table whimpering in distress. Neil bent down to stroke her. Red lay near the steps with his head on his front legs, looking doleful.
“They can sense everything’s gone wrong in paradise,” said Tom.
Keith pushed his plate away. “Heaven. It was heaven for me ... the few months it lasted. The land and Juju.”
“You’ve still got the land,” said Greg.
Keith nodded. “Thanks.”
Greg wished that he had hidden his anger from Eleanor. The knowledge that she had never loved him pierced his heart and although he had never believed in living a lie, that was what he now wanted. The truth was too painful.
“It’s gone upside down,” said Neil. “Tom and I’ve lost two sisters and you’ve got two sisters, but they’re going to England and we’ll never see them again.”
Greg saw Neil’s bewilderment and wished he could comfort him. He tried to laugh. It came out like a cough. “We’re a miserable lot of coves. I can hear a car!” His face lit up.
They jumped up, ran to the rails and looked down. It was Gabriella.
She ran up the steps and stood uncertainly. “I just saw Eleanor ... she told me ... I’m sorry,” she said.
Tom set a place for her. “You’re just in time for dinner.”
She hovered by the chair. “I was wondering if I could stay here for a few months and – ”
“You can stay forever if you like,” said Tom.
“I was going to give it a try,” she said with a smile. “And if things work out I can sell my house and buy in, if that’s okay.”
“You sure can!” said Greg.
“Beaut,” said Neil. “As long as you don’t mind being the only woman.”
Tom, looking happier than he had since Kim’s death, stood up and hugged her. “Welcome to Eumeralla, Gabby.”
***
The urn containing Ruth’s ashes was heavy. Fiona cradled it in her arms as she walked through the cemetery. She got lost several times before she found the grave she was looking for. Standing in the sun in front of Laurence’s headstone she took the top off the urn and stared at the ashes inside. They were pale and coarse. She had expected them to be dark-grey and powdery. Holding the urn with both hands she turned it upside down. When it was empty she placed it on the grave and walked away.
Thank you for buying this eBook
POPHAMGARDENS PUBLISHING
www.publishingforyou.com
or email us on:
[email protected]
Eumeralla - Secrets, Tragedy and Love Page 37