The bar was getting crowded, but I finally got to the back hallway to find my rock. Instead, I found Paige pinned against the wall. Her leg was around Ryker’s waist. Her skirt rode high, and it looked as though his finger was in her thong. My eyes filled, and I couldn’t move as Paige’s lips covered his. I wished I was near a ladies’ room, because I thought I was going to throw up.
Max walked out of the back and witnessed the scene. He shook his head and looked at me. With one look at my face, his fell. Max nudged Ryker as he walked by. Paige didn’t notice, but Ryker turned and looked right at me. Our eyes locked, and I thought I saw regret, but for what: the interruption or me? I couldn’t stop staring as he went back to work on Paige’s lips. Must have been for the interruption.
Max took my arm and led me away. “What are you doing back here? Is that your friend with Ryker? I thought I saw you come in with her.”
“Yeah, I guess she is. I was coming to find you to tell you that I’m going home.” Just then it dawned on me that Paige had driven me. I didn’t have a ride home.
Max sighed. “Are you okay? Why are you leaving?”
My eyes closed, and my lip trembled. I willed tears not to come. “I just can’t be here. I tried, I really did. Tonight was going to be my night, and now all of my plans are ruined. I just want to go home.” The throbbing in my eyes verged on painful, and I chastised myself for being so upset. I willed the tears to stay at bay.
He put his hand on the small of my back and walked me into what must have been a break room. There were lockers in it, and some guy in an apron was on the phone speaking in Spanish. That was good. At least he couldn’t understand us. Or maybe he would. I didn’t know, and I really didn’t care.
Max leaned up against a metal door. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“I was going to tell him tonight.” My voice cracked, but I had managed to get it out.
“Tell who what?”
“Ryker. I was going to tell him how I felt about him, but then Paige happened. Now I can’t, and I won’t. Why, Max? What’s wrong with me?” A tear escaped, and I wiped it away.
“Faith, nothing is wrong with you. You know how he is. I tell you all the time, and you’ve seen it with your own eyes. Ryker doesn’t do relationships. He just does… women.”
“Yeah, I know. I just wanted to be that woman.”
Max hugged me. “I know you do, but you aren’t like that—unless something happened that I don’t know about.”
I shook my head. “No, I want him to be my first. That’s stupid, right?”
His arms loosened, and he rubbed my arms. “You like him that much? I mean, I knew you liked him, but all women like him.”
My voice was lost. I couldn’t tell him anymore. I loved Max, but I didn’t know if he would understand.
“Are you going to be okay?” he asked. “Want to hang with me until we go on? We aren’t playing long sets tonight, and I can cut them back.”
It sucked. All I wanted to do was hang out, listen to Raging Urge, and talk to Ryker. I should have known that bringing another woman was a bad idea. Not many women shy away from Ryker. The man made me crazy. “No, I’d rather go. I’m really sorry, but I had big hopes for tonight. I’ve been planning it for a while. I’m just tired now. Is your car here? Can I borrow it?” I thought about it and decided I probably shouldn’t drive. “Or do you have time to give me a ride?”
“I didn’t drive. Ryker picked me up. I assume your friend drove?”
I nodded as we walked back into the hallway of doom. Ryker and Paige were gone. I wished it had all been a bad dream, but it had been just my one of many “Ryker reality checks.”
Max said, “Why don’t you just stay and watch the set? We’ll take you home. It’s your birthday. I want to buy you a drink. Please?” Max broke out his puppy dog eyes, which would normally get me to do just about anything. Max offered me his hand, but I remained stock still.
“No way am I getting in a car with him. I’ll call a cab. I’m sorry, Max.” I kissed his cheek and grabbed my cell phone out of my purse. I googled Yellow Cab and called for a ride. Rochester, NY, wasn’t like NYC. Cabs didn’t just wait outside clubs for a fare.
“I wish you wouldn’t leave, but I understand.” Max kissed my forehead. “Call me tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay.” The look of disappointment on my friend’s face made me feel like shit. I’d let a non-friend ruin my night. Trying to assuage his feelings and my guilt, I agreed to watch them the next night instead.
As I crossed the planked floor toward my refuge, which was anywhere outside of that bar, I noticed couples everywhere. Paige and some other girls were at the frat table, and Mike seemed content with the blonde on his lap. Paige didn’t even notice me exit the bar. The bouncer opened the door, and I was finally out of that godforsaken place. I took a breath of relief until I saw Ryker alone on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette. As soon as I saw him, I turned away but didn’t get too far.
“Where ya going, Dude?”
I glared daggers at him. “I’m leaving. Where’s your flavor of the night? Get tired of her already?” I knew where she was, but did he? Did he even care?
Ryker snickered. “Something like that. She really isn’t my type.”
Yeah, not his type, my ass! “Oh? You could have fooled me.” I turned and stared at the parking lot, willing my cab to appear.
“If you’re leaving, why are you just standing here?”
“I’m waiting for a cab.”
His voice became full of concern. “You called a cab? Are you drunk?”
“No, I’m not, although it would have been a nice way to celebrate tonight.” Yes, it’s my birthday, asshole. “Not that it’s any business of yours, but my ride was busy, so I called for a cab.”
“Shit, I forgot today’s your birthday.” He flicked his cigarette into the parking lot and turned toward me.
I averted my eyes and stared straight ahead.
His lips landed on my cheek. “Happy birthday.”
With wide eyes, I turned toward him and tried to contain my smile.
“Don’t get excited, Dude. It was just a birthday kiss.”
I faced forward again. “Of course. Why would you want to kiss me? I mean, I’m not your type. I’m just the girl who tags along with Max, right? Oh, and I’m a ‘dude.’ What if I told you I like you and I want to be with you?” Holy shit! Did I just say that?
“You’re not just a girl who… I just… wait, you want me?” Ryker’s eyes became blank and devoid of any emotion.
“You just what? Don’t want me that way? I’m not hot like Paige or your other women? I’m just the woman who pals around with guys? Maybe you’re the one with the problem. Maybe you’re not as ‘good’ as you think you are, and that’s why Paige is off giving someone else a lap dance. Your little guy not satisfying enough?”
His eyebrows creased as Ryker took my chin between his thumb and forefinger and tilted my face up toward him. “I don’t want you. Is that clear enough?”
I felt my face heat up. Willing my tears to stay away, I just looked at him. My heart pounded before it shattered and splintered.
He pushed further. “And as far as my ‘little guy,’ it satisfies just fine. Don’t you worry about me. If you doubt that, you can ask Paige. She danced on my ‘not-so-little guy’ like she was on a stripper pole.”
Again I was struck with nausea. Our eyes locked until I lowered mine to the ground. I was devastated. A car horn broke the agonizing silence. My head turned, pulling my chin out of his grasp, before I walked to the cab. I tried to hold my head high until the door closed and I told the driver to go. When we were out of sight, I gave the driver my address and tried not to sob.
I looked out the window and wondered what I’d done to him to deserve being treated like shit. Was I that horrible? My mind was playing back the evening like a re-run when we arrived at my parents’ house. I paid my fare and walked in the house.
As I made my way into my room,
I felt alone. Not in the physical sense, but emotionally. Good ol’ Faith, always the one to give people a chance. I thought I’d seen something in his eyes when he looked at me, but I realized I’d been wrong. For someone so smart, I sure was stupid.
Watching that yellow sedan pull away hurt. Saying that to Faith was wrong, and it killed me. But I couldn’t let her get closer to me than she already was. I didn’t want her to be like the other women—she’s better than that. She deserved more. If she knew about my past, she would be as sick as I was about it. She’s worthy of someone smarter, someone who wasn’t broken, someone who had a family that loved him and would love her too.
I lit another cigarette and prayed that someday she would forgive me. Her words resounded in my head. I tried to remember them all, but I kept seeing her eyes glistening with unshed tears that I’d caused. I hadn’t had a choice. If I had her and lost her… well, that thought scared the shit out of me. That wasn’t a risk I was willing to take.
I went back into the bar, and Paige came running up and threw her hands in my hair. I grabbed her wrists and pulled them away.
“Not now,” I said, meaning not ever.
She gasped and strutted away, making sure to shake her ass. Before I knew it, Max was in front of me and asking if I’d seen Faith.
“Yeah, I saw her. Then she got in a cab and left.”
“What gives, man?” Max asked. “Did you say something to her? You need to ease up, because you’re acting like a dickhead. She’s like a sister to me.” He let out a long exhale and ran his hand across his chin. “Is she okay?”
Telling him the truth wouldn’t be the best plan. Max was a laid-back guy, but he was close to Faith. I envied their relationship. I would love to be close to her. “I wished her a happy birthday, we got into it a little, and then she left.”
“What do you mean by ‘got into it’? What did you do?” Max’s brow furrowed.
“I can tell when a chick is into me, so I set her straight.”
“So you’re telling me that you upset her on her birthday? Did she tell you she wanted to be with you?”
Max’s question threw me off guard. I just looked at him. “Did she tell me she wanted to be with me? What are you talking about?” I’d told her I didn’t want her, that much was certain. “Max, I’m not sure what she said exactly. We exchanged words. Some were pleasant, some not so much. I’m really sorry that Faith’s upset, but she’s better off.”
“Look, I know you’ve been through some kind of hell, but seriously, leave Faith out of your shit. She didn’t cause your pain, so don’t go causing her any.”
His love for her made me feel worse than I already did. If I lost Max, then I’d really be alone. “Let’s just play the gig and get out of here.”
“Fine, but this conversation isn’t over. I want to know why you keep making Faith feel like shit when she’s the nicest person you’ll ever know.” Max was about to walk away, but instead he looked at me. “Holy fuck, man, are you into her?”
My jaw dropped, and my heart sped up. Shit! “Yeah, that’s what it is. Get real.” He had no idea how into her I was. No one did, and no one could, especially Faith.
Max walked away, and I followed with my head hung a little lower than usual. The guys grabbed their instruments and headed for the stage. I sat at my drums and beat on the skins as Max tuned his guitar. The women in the bar moved closer to the stage. Flirting and getting phone numbers was my norm, but all I could think about was how I’d treated Faith. I knew I had been cruel, but leading her on wasn’t a great option either.
The guys were ready, and Max looked back at me and nodded. Lifting my drumsticks, I tapped them together four times before starting the beat of our first song. Drumming was the one thing I did well—except for sex, of course. I guess practice really does make perfect.
When our second set was almost over, I bent over to grab a towel to wipe off the sweat pouring down my face, and I heard, “Over here! Throw the towel to me!” I didn’t have to look to recognize her voice, but I did anyway. I saw Paige standing there, licking her lips. I dropped the towel next to me, twirled my sticks, and started the beat of the next song.
By the end of the last song, the crowd was cheering. I started taking apart my drum set to pack it up, and I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around expecting to find Paige, but I was greeted by a leggy blonde. My eyes roamed from her stiletto heels to her voluptuous breasts, which were popping out of her top.
Twisting her blond locks, she said, “Want a drink?”
“No, thanks. I’m heading out.” I clipped the last case shut and stood. The chick was hot. I couldn’t believe I was turning her down, but my mood just wasn’t right. I had a petite chick stuck in my brain.
“Come on, baby, just one drink.” She moved her hands to my arms and gently massaged them. “You look tense. I have a great remedy for that.”
“Oh yeah, what’s that?” I knew what she was going to say, and I didn’t know why I was still standing there. The other guys were already getting ready to go.
She moved her hands to the waistband of my jeans and looked up at me while she moistened her lips.
I stepped back. “Look, sweetheart, I need to get out of here. Maybe another time.”
Her eyes darted open in a shocked expression. “Only in your dreams will you get another shot at me. Now or never. Want me to take you in my mouth or not?”
“Not. But I appreciate the offer.” I slid my sticks in my back pocket and reached for one of the drum cases.
Blondie stormed away in a huff. I didn’t care. I grabbed my gear and packed it on the handcart to load on the trailer attached to Tim’s truck. As I walked out, I saw Paige leaning against my door. Tim took my drums, and I made my way to my car.
My lips were in a hard line. What the fuck! The chick just didn’t get the hint. “Paige, I told you not now.”
“That was earlier, Ry. I want you.” She planted her lips on mine.
For some unknown reason, our kiss deepened, and then Faith’s face flashed in my brain. How I’d treated her made me abruptly break the kiss.
“What the hell is your problem, Ryker? You had no issues practically screwing me before when you needed me. Now I need you, and you can’t get it up or what?” she said.
“I didn’t need you. I’m not the guy for you. Maybe you should go after one of the college boys you were hanging on.” I crossed my arms and glared at her.
It didn’t take her long to walk away from me, and I was relieved. She had been a big mistake, but at the time, she’d served a purpose. I walked toward the bar to get Max, but he was already coming out with Jake and Tim.
“You want to go grab something to eat, man?” Tim asked.
“Nah, I just want to get out of here. I’m beat.” All I wanted was to go home and clear my head. Home was just a basement apartment in an older house, but it was my space, and I needed to relax. I lit a cigarette and asked Max if he still wanted a ride home. I hoped he didn’t because I didn’t want to talk about Faith.
“Yeah, man. Thanks.” Max slid his guitar in the back seat of my car, then sat in the front and closed the door.
My Challenger roared to life, and I pulled out of the parking lot. As I drove to Max’s house, I totally braced myself. But the short ride that seemed endless was completely silent.
Max went to get out. “Thanks for the ride.”
Something was off, and it was wreaking havoc on my nerves. “Hey, are we okay? I mean, you haven’t spoken to me since we left. If you’re pissed, just let me have it okay? I know you’re disappointed, but I’m sorry. I just can’t be what Faith needs.”
“You don’t know what she needs. I want her happy. You’re both my friends, and I want the best for both of you. Do you understand that? You mean a lot to me too. This isn’t just about her. I just wish you weren’t so mean to her all the time. And for the record, I still think you’re into her.” Max opened the door and got out.
“I’m sorry, Max.”
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Max peered in the open door. “You said that already. Don’t screw with her head. Be her friend or don’t be, but stop being cruel. She doesn’t deserve that, and I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”
He glanced at Faith’s house, which made my eyes look that way too. It was dark except for the porch light. I wondered if she was okay. I wished I could text her, but Max had given me her number for emergencies only. To me, this qualified as one; to her, it wouldn’t.
Max shut the door, and I sat there thinking about what he’d said. I needed to apologize to Faith, that much I knew. My radio blasted as I pulled away for a drive instead of going home. I took the winding road to Durand Beach. I hated the water and the power it possessed, but I was always drawn there like a magnet. Maybe it was because the voices in my head told me to face my fears, or because I wanted to punish myself. Whatever the reason, I needed to be there no matter how much it tore at my soul.
It was still warm out, and the breeze off the lake was welcomed. As I walked to my spot, my brain was on overload. How could I fix everything that had happened? I knew that my past was fucked up, and that it couldn’t be repaired. Some people are meant to go through life alone, and I was one of those people.
I stopped walking once I got to the large rock at the dunes. I slid down, grabbed my knees and brought them close to my chest in an effort to pull myself together. It felt as if my life was crumbling around me, and I needed to decide what to do. I stared at the water. It held such power. I’d felt that first hand when I was a kid, and it wasn’t something to be forgotten or fucked with. I lit a smoke and took a long drag as I looked to the heavens. A tear left my eye as the smoke disappeared—just like everything else in my life.
“So innocent.” With my eyes closed, I thought about everything that had transpired earlier. What was it about Faith? Was it her full lips, tight little body, quick wit, or a combination of them that drew me in? As I pictured her smiling, my smile grew. The last time I saw her, she hadn’t been smiling, and that crushed me.
I brushed the sand off my jeans as I stood to leave. It was close to four in the morning. I wasn’t the least bit tired, but staring at the water wasn’t helping me feel any better. I debated calling one of the women I referred to as stamps—lick’em, stick’em, and send them on their way—but even that wasn’t appealing.
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