Never Been Loved

by C.M. Kars

Fuck, this isn’t going to be easy.

  Fight now, rest later. Fight for her, and she’ll help you win.

  “I came here tonight because I asked Katie to set this up for me.”

  I get more comfortable in the booth, crossing my arms in front of me and planting them on the table.

  “She called me, something about snooping in your phone for my number. Doesn’t matter at this point, I’m here now. With you.” I breathe out, trying to get my fisted hands from shaking all over the damn place. “I want you to know that I’ve been cut out of my mother’s will.” Okay, I didn’t mean to lead with that, but here we go.

  “What the fuck?” She slams her fists on the table, and I can’t hide my shock. “You do not lead with that fucking little fact three weeks after you cheated on me with her, MacLaine,” she says through a clenched jaw.

  I want to be Hunt again.

  Why the hell is she calling me MacLaine?

  I get my arms tighter around my chest and force myself to focus. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I fuck up a lot, and I don’t want this to be another score against me.

  “I miss you,” I say, but it comes out strangled.

  She snorts. “Yeah, you look real broken up.” She shakes her head. “What’s going to happen to Matty now? Why didn’t you just take the money? Jesus, why are you here? I was having a good time. And you ruined everything. Matty’s not my problem. You’re not my problem anymore.”

  “You’re not getting me, Sera.” I don’t want to be angry. I don’t. But how in fuck could she think I did that to her? With Aly? When I told her that she was out of my life, that Aly isn’t her?

  Take to bat for me, Sera. Believe in me. Is that so fucking hard?

  “I miss you, Matty misses you. I want you back in my life. I need you back in my life.”

  “Well, I don’t want you back in mine, all right?”

  I lean in closer to her and get her hands in mine before she can pull away. This has to work, it just has to. I’m desperate for this to work, and I settle my forehead on our joined hands. I’m begging with every part of me.

  “What... what are you doing? Hunter? Hunt?” Sera tries to pull away but I can’t let her.

  I look up at her, jaw clenched tight and I’m being torn apart by her. “I swear on my sister’s life that nothing happened with Aly that night. I swear I didn’t do anything. I fucking swear.”

  “Swear on your life. Swear on your life you didn’t touch her, you didn’t kiss her with the same mouth you kissed me with.”

  I curl my lip. “I swear on my life I didn’t touch her. I just needed a ride to the hospital. Aly’s not for me, baby. You’re for me, and Matty. You’re it.”

  “Sera,” I say, watching her breath come in short rasps and her eyes shine bright. She’s holding onto my hands, too, now, and I move in to kiss our tangle of fingers. Just say it MacLaine. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

  What if she never says it back?

  It sure as shit won’t change how you feel about her.

  “I love you.”

  “You- you don’t mean that,” she mutters, breath hitching again.

  Not this shit again. “I love you, Sera, and I’m going to keep saying it until you fucking believe it.”

  “Say it again,” she orders me.

  “I love you.”

  “Again.” She’s twisting our fingers now. “Say it again.”

  “I love you, baby. I bloody love you.”

  “You’re only saying that because I lost weight.”

  No. Just… no. “You sure don’t look like you could haul my ass to the hospital now. Too scrawny.”

  “Are you making a joke? At a time like this?”

  I grin, and press my mouth to our hands again. “I’m going to start feeding you pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next few weeks. We’ll sort you out.”

  “What? You can’t just expect that you tell me you love me and everything is okay? Why didn’t you come with me to the hospital?”

  Goddamn it, I’ve hurt her so bad.

  Winging it, I lean forward and land a kiss on her mouth.

  “I was pissed. Thought I would cool off. I was wrong to yell at you. But fuck, you shoulda seen you, giving it right back to me. We’re going to have problems whenever you get mad at me, baby. I wanted to haul you on my bed, and let you use me. I was wrong to yell at you, I was wrong to get pissed at you wanting to take care of Matty when I didn’t want you to.

  “I promise for the rest of my life, I will show you how much I love you, how much I want you in my life, in my... son’s.”

  “Why did you lie to me?”

  “I never lied to you. I told you I don’t lie. You forgot. I never called Matty my son. That first night, when I came to get the movie – I told you he was my nephew. But I’m the only parent he’s ever known. I’m his dad, even though I’m really his uncle.”

  “You could have told me. You should have told me.”

  “I couldn’t talk about it. My sister... she died because of me.”

  Do it. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. Just get it over with.

  “I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was eighteen. She thought she would get it, too, but she didn’t. She didn’t need to follow me around, you know?”

  “After the first month of taking injections, of getting beaten up daily with the sugar spikes and lows, I went to a Timmy’s and bought a dozen donuts. I took them to my room in my parent’s house and ate every single one.”

  “You wanted to kill yourself?” Thank Christ she still cares.

  I give a shake of my head. “It wasn’t about ending my life, it was about showing the doctors, my family, myself that I was okay. That I didn’t have diabetes. I ended up in the hospital, nearly went into a coma because of it. The whole thing ruined my sister. And I didn’t help matters. She was my twin.

  “I got into drugs, drank heavily, just punishing myself for not being normal, for being sick. Diabetes... you can’t even imagine what it’s like to have a part of yourself give up on you. It screws with your head, just fucks with you in ways I didn’t even know until my sister died. Jules.... she tried to get me out of it, tried to get me clean until one of my druggie buddies took a liking to her and ruined her life.

  “She was so smart, hilarious and sweet. She would’ve been a great mom once she got clean. And she would have loved you, loved the way you take care of her son.

  “Because she followed me around—because I was a spineless fuck who thought drugs and drinking were a better way of dealing with my fucked up body—I got my sister hooked into drugs. I was out of my mind with my own misery, I couldn’t see what was going on around me, I wouldn’t see because I was a selfish kid who should’ve known better.”

  I struggle to keep calm, trying not to get sucked into the past. I want to be here, now, with my girl.

  Sera’s eyes are huge in her face, and her mouth is opened in that waiting-for-a-kiss look that has a burning pain torching me from the inside out.

  “By the time she was twenty-five she was a full-on junkie until she OD’d in an alleyway while Matty was in his crib at my parent’s place. That night I became a father and I wanted nothing to do with him. Nothing at all.

  “I was so fucking angry. Why couldn’t I have gotten her help, why didn’t she just listen to me once I got clean?”

  Sera’s closed her eyes. “Sometimes, listening is the hardest thing to do when you don’t believe a word someone says.”

  Oh, baby. Is that’s what been happening?

  “I’m so sorry. About everything. God, I love you.”

  Needing to move, I tug on our hands, round the table and get her standing in front of me.

  “You can’t just show up and say a few words and expect everything to be okay,” she says “You need to get your life straight, Hunter, and I can’t do that for you. You need to help yourself first. I’m sorry.”

  She’s fighting me again. Why is she fighting me?

  Looks li
ke you have your answer, MacLaine. You don’t deserve her, anyway.

  I wanted to be given the chance to.

  I don’t make eye contact with anyone as Sera walks away from me for the last time. Nothing I do will get her back to me.

  You’re supposed to fight, asshole.

  Not when she doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t force her to love me.

  I contemplate going back home and drinking myself into a stupor. Maybe then I’ll forget about Sera for a while. Maybe then I’ll forget about her nerd references, her jokes, and the way she came into my life.

  Maybe I’ll forget all about Sera being my superhero.

  I don’t think I’ve got enough beer at home to deal with that.

  I’m staring into my fridge. I resisted the urge to drop by the dep and get a two-four of Heineken on my way back home.

  The thing is, I don’t want to forget about Sera. Maybe I’ll just numb myself out on shitty TV. Maybe I’ll watch an episode of Supernatural to finally figure out what the hell Sera was talking about.

  Yeah, maybe I’ll swallow some bleach, too.

  Idiot.

  I’m making my way into the living room when I hear the knock on the door. I get over to it, practically braining myself on the fake wood, and open it, standing in the doorway in absolute shock.

  Sera’s standing there, in that hot-as-fuck dress; her eyes are wide and her lips are parted like she’s waiting for my mouth. It’s enough to get all my blood flowing to my dick, and losing whatever I had in my head.

  She falls forward, her hands going to my chest as she walks in, and thinking I’m dreaming, I wrap my arms around her, making sure she’s real and I’m not hallucinating.

  “Kiss me, Hunter. Kiss me like I’m the only you’ll ever want.”

  Thank you, Jules. I know you swayed the Big Man. Thank you.

  I get my hands on her cheeks, tilting her face up and get her mouth against mine. It’s been three fucking weeks without her, without her laughing, without her vanilla sugar smell. It’s been three weeks without her smiling at me, or not even blinking an eye when I need a juice.

  Fuck, I missed her, and without saying anything, I tell her.

  I learn her mouth all over again, tasting, licking, figuring out what she likes but I never forgot. My arms are at her lower back, and I move a hand dawn to palm her ass, pressing us closer, and Jesus Christ, she hits me everywhere in just the right place.

  “I love you,” I whisper, after pulling back, going for that spot at the corner of her mouth. “I love you.” I kiss her cheek. “I love you,” I say, kissing that spot underneath her ear.

  “I know you didn’t cheat on me. I… I guess I used it as an excuse. This whole time we were together… I thought it was too good to be true, you know? That I was going to mess it up and you’d leave me,” Sera says, then reaches for my arm. “We’re all self-fulfilling prophecies. I’m sorry, too. I’m going to need to get used to this, to us. It’s your turn not to give up on me, okay?”

  “Thank you, baby.” That weight on my chest takes a hike, and we’re back at it, kissing, and I’ve been starved for her, for every inch of her. I lift her so we’re the same height, and get more of her mouth, more of her little moans and purrs as she gives me everything back.

  “Come with me,” I say, once I’ve got her on her feet, and got her hand and start dragging her to my bed. She looks at it like it’s going to eat her alive.

  Go slow, asshole. Don’t ruin this.

  “We go as far as you want, baby.”

  “I want you to lie down, right here, next to me,” she says, after she’s gotten onto the mattress. I follow ’cause that’s what I’ll always do – I’ll follow Sera wherever she decides to take me. “Where’s Matty?”

  I snicker and get that spot in the corner again. “At my mom’s. We’re alone tonight.”

  I get on my side and do my best to calm her down – she looks about ready to jump out of her skin. I gather her close to me and just look at her – she’s a sight for sore eyes.

  “I swear I’ll never hurt you again.” I vow it, moving her hair off her shoulder and leaning in to kiss her softly, gently. I want her to set the pace. When I get to the spot under her ear, she shivers hard enough to knock me out. “Fuck, everything you do gets me hard.”

  “I didn’t even do anything.”

  No more talking. We’re kissing again, and my hands are greedy assholes, keeping her dress on and trying to figure out what her skin’s gonna feel like. When her arms go around my neck, I roll us so I’m on top, pinning my leg between the both of hers.

  I lean more of my weight onto her, practically hiss when my cock hits her thigh just right.

  Pussy. I want her pussy now.

  In a haze, I vaguely feel her yanking on the shoulders of my suit, her mouth crazy wild underneath mine. The swirl of colours is back, and they’ve never been more beautiful, more meaningless when it comes to my health. Sera’s just made my world come alive again.

  Shit, the shirt.

  I get the jacket off of me, heading up to my knees, watching her hair fanned along my bed, her breathing coming fast, her lips red and swollen. My dick throbs, and I need to be inside her right now.

  “I... I did something dumb. Or genius,” I say, slowly going for the buttons on my shirt. “I was hoping you’d be in my bed tonight, so I needed some extra insurance. It just seems really stupid now, like you’d really go for it...”

  I slowly reveal the Superman tee I was wearing under my suit. When I’m done, Sera’s hands are covering her moan.

  It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.

  “Oh my God. Oh, God. Hunt-Hunter. What?” She’s on her knees, and body checks me before shoving her tongue in my mouth. I’m laughing between her kisses, legit laughing.

  “Fuck, baby, if I knew it would get you this excited-”

  “No more talking. No! Don’t take off the shirt! I want it on.”

  Ah, fuck. If she wants me to wear a cape and pretend I’m Thor, I’ll fucking do it if it makes her this hot. I’ll streak through the streets in the middle of the winter if it means I come home to this.

  I start kissing her again, getting my hands on the zipper of her dress, until she mumbles against my mouth that she needs to tell me something.

  I pull away, stare, and think of the best way to soothe her. I should probably get my hands off her zipper.

  Get your fucking hands off her zipper!

  “We’re going to do this slow, baby. If I do anything you don’t like, you just have to tell me, yeah? Anything at all, and I’ll stop. Swear to God.”

  She swallows, and looks weirdly like she’s about to cry.

  “I’m a virgin,” she whispers. “I’m a virgin,” she repeats.

  This isn’t a surprise. And I can get behind her having the bravery to tell me. Now I’ll actually have my head in gear to calm myself down and focus on her.

  She’s actually worried about this.

  Fix that shit, MacLaine.

  I kiss her and say, “Just when I thought I couldn’t love you anymore.”

  She snorts and gives me a blush. “It’s a piece of skin. Don’t go getting a big head.”

  “No, stupid. That you’re giving me this, that you told me when I already guessed at it. That you’re here with me even though I’m sure you’re freaking out if the way your eyebrows are popped high is any indication.”

  “Well, I was never going to be a spy anyway. Less talking. More doing.”

  I pull in a breath and kiss her slowly again, until we both get drunk from it.

  “I’m going to take care of you. Do you believe me?” I need her to believe me.

  She jumps when my fingers stroke along her spine, getting her dress off her top half until I see her black bra that’s doing things to my imagination. Keeping slow, and trying to constantly gauge her reaction, I move for the clasp of her bra.

  “Breathe, baby. I just want to see you. I’ve been dying to see you for so l
ong.”

  She sucks in air, letting it out slowly. Fuck, she’s fucking scared. This is the shittiest idea I ever had.

  I stare. The slope of her breasts has me dizzy, and the way her nipples pucker in the cold? I can die a happy man after her showing me this. Fuck, I need to see more, I need to touch and taste all of her.

  I’m hungry for my girl, except that animal inside of has got to keep its trap shut.

  “You’re going to have to stand for me, Sera.” I move her to the side of my bed, standing her in front of me. I get her to the center of my room, enough that I can circle her. She’s shivering but I need to be sure she’s ready for this.

  Behind her, I get my hands on her hips, seeing the bright white waistband of her panties, as her dress pools around her ankles – where it’s gonna stay. Christ, is this that nerd underwear I’ve been dreaming about?

  “What’s this?” I ask, palming her ass.

  “My nerdy underwear.”

  The ones that say ‘Kneel before me’.

  Fuck, yes.

  I spin her, walk her backwards until she hits the mattress and I stop moving her. I get on my knees, watching her face.

  Sera’s lips have parted, and her tongue snakes out to lick at them. God, I want her mouth on my cock. Not yet, not yet.

  I kiss the spot right below her belly button, lick at it until she whimpers,

  “Please.”

  “Will you let me see you, baby? Will you let me taste you?” I stare up at her, waiting. “I’ll make you feel good, I promise.”

  “No one’s ever done that to me before. I’m a little scared.”

  I kiss from hip to hip, dragging my mouth everywhere, hearing her hot little pants that make my dick throb in time. Oh yeah, I’m in agony, but I need to taste first. I need to have her give herself to me.

  “Christ, this night just keeps getting better and better.”

  She snickers. “Stop beating your chest there, Tarzan.”

  I lick her hip bone, and lightly bite down when she gives me attitude.

  “Lie down, but keep your ass to the edge of the bed.”

  There’s a second when I think she’s going tell me to fuck off. Then the tension eases out of her and she gets her ass to the edge of the bed after I’ve taken off her panties.