Every cell in my body, every thought in my mind, was focused on the tiny speck inside me that was growing into a child – someone for me to love, who might even love me back, if I was worthy of anyone’s love. The one thing driving me was the compulsion to protect my baby, to keep him or her safe.
How long could I hide my pregnancy? I always wore baggy, ill-fitting clothes, mostly cast-offs from other women, so I was certain that no one would realise for a while – except Aram.
I tried to keep out of his way as much as I could, but it was difficult, and Mum watched, her eyes narrowed, as Aram’s gaze followed me when I walked into a room. He seemed to want me with him more than ever at night, and each time he ran his hand over my stomach I froze. I had to leave soon, before the changes to my body became obvious. And before I lost my nerve.
I was beginning to lose hope when I found a note under my bedcovers.
Wednesday. Garage. Bring nothing.
I no longer knew if I was doing the right thing. Maybe I had been wrong about the other babies. Perhaps the whole community would welcome a child and would love him or her. It had to be safer to stay than to go. Then I thought of the life my child would have if I stayed. At what age would he be taken from me, put into another room away from me, because he no longer ‘needed’ me? Would he be allowed to go to school, to be friends with other children? Would he be shamed for his weaknesses, have his self-esteem shattered?
Aram had always told me what would happen if I left, how the police would hunt me down. I was scared, but I was more scared for my baby. I talked myself into staying and then five minutes later into going.
I couldn’t sleep for the next two nights. What did I know of life outside Lakeside? Nothing. I had nowhere to go, no money, no job, no friends outside these four walls. What was I thinking? I would be totally on my own.
I put my hand on my belly. I didn’t know if I should be able to feel the baby kicking yet, but thought maybe it was too soon. I had no one to ask. But I knew one thing: I wouldn’t be on my own. I had someone else to think of. Someone else to put first.
Aram knew something was wrong. He could sense it, as if my agitation was vibrating in the air, bouncing off the walls. He’d seen me like this once before. That time he had read me well, and the outcome had been a disaster. This time I had to do a better job of hiding my plans.
‘Tomorrow we need a private session, India,’ he said. ‘You’re unsettled, and it’s having a negative impact on everyone around you. Go to your room now, and I’ll see you at nine tomorrow.’
I lowered my gaze to the floor. The good thing was that my mood made me unappealing to him, and he didn’t want my company. Nor did he want my restlessness to affect the others. He always said that moods could spread like a virus, which is why we were conditioned to be calm, thoughtful and introverted. He would prefer me to be alone, to reflect on my behaviour. But if he planned to see me at nine, he would know all too soon that I’d gone. I was hoping no one would notice until at least lunchtime.
‘I said I’d help in the laundry.’ It wasn’t true, but Aram didn’t bother himself with mundane details, other than to specify that no one should ever fail to fulfil their obligations.
I could see he was annoyed, but he didn’t argue.
‘Two p.m. then. Go to your room now. At this moment you are unworthy of us, and if you want our love, you need to clear your mind of whatever is unsettling you.’
It was never clear to me whether he was using the royal ‘we, us and our’ or if he meant the entire group – who were looking at me with blank stares. I knew no one would speak out in support of me.
I was glad to leave the room, but I got no sleep.
I got up in the half-light just before sunrise and looked around at the walls of my room, the place I’d once hated but that had become my sanctuary over the years. The sickness I was feeling had nothing to do with the baby. My hands were jittery as I dressed and even fastening a button seemed too difficult. It wasn’t too late to back out, but it would be soon. What if Aram caught me leaving? What would he do? I knew, better than most, what he was capable of.
I left the house soon after daybreak. Aram wouldn’t be up, and if I met anyone, I would say I was going to the laundry early so I had more time to meditate later. They might not believe me, but they were unlikely to report such a minor modification in my schedule.
The stress was making my head pound, and my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth as I made my way into the garage to wait for Dad. I crouched at the back, like last time, my arms wrapped tightly round my stomach, and I rocked backwards and forwards, talking to my child.
‘We’ll be okay, baby. I’ll take care of you, I promise.’
Suddenly, Dad was there. I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn’t heard him approaching. Without a word, he opened the back of the Range Rover and signalled for me to get in. I didn’t argue. The back was piled with rubbish for the tip, and I crawled between some bags and dragged an empty bin liner to cover my head, curling myself into a ball.
Still without speaking, Dad shut the tailgate, went round to the driver’s side and got in. The car started, and before long he had reversed out, turned and was making for the drive. Then, without warning, he stopped. He didn’t speak, and for a moment I wondered if he was going to demand that I get out of the car. I imagined the whole community standing silently on the steps of Lakeside, pre-warned of my treacherous bid for freedom, staring as I climbed out from under the rubbish, hanging my head in shame. Would he do that to me?
Then I heard a voice, and I gulped to swallow the cry of fear that almost escaped me.
‘Have you seen India this morning, Joel? She told me she was due in the laundry, but apparently not.’
Aram’s voice was measured, but I could hear his fury simmering below the surface. I had lied to him, and that was something he would not tolerate.
I held my breath. Was Dad going to give me away? It struck me, rather later than it should have, that eventually Aram would realise that Dad had helped me to escape, and for that he would suffer. I shouldn’t have done this to him.
‘I’ve seen no one, Aram. Would you like me to help you look for her?’
‘No. Follow your routine. I’ll send someone to try down by the river. She’s been unsettled for the last few days and I need to calm her.’
With that, Dad put the car in gear and set off down the rutted drive. I held my breath as he stopped again after a few moments. The driver’s door opened, and feet hit the gravel. Dad was out of the car. I waited, scared to move, unable to sit up to see what was happening, certain I would hear Aram telling him to open the tailgate. Then I heard the clatter of a chain falling to the ground. Dad was unlocking the gates. I’d forgotten about the padlock. He got back in the car, pulled forward and stopped again, then got out to refit the chain. His door slammed as he climbed in once more. Finally I could breathe again as we started to move. Neither of us spoke, as if we needed some miles between us and Lakeside before we felt safe. It was at least three minutes before I heard his voice.
‘Listen to me, DeeDee, and don’t ask questions until I’ve finished. We don’t have long. I’m going to drive to the supermarket as usual. When we get there, I’ll park as close as possible to a small white car – a Ford. It’s yours, and you need to get in and drive away.’
What did he mean? I don’t know what I’d expected to happen, but I suppose I had some vague hope that Dad would come with me, set me up somewhere and then come back for Mum. It was a stupid dream because he wouldn’t have been allowed back onto the premises.
‘In the boot you’ll find a suitcase with clothes, shoes, everything I could think of that you might need. It’s all supermarket stuff, and I wasn’t sure of your size, so I went for elasticated waists.’
He knew!
‘Dad?’
‘Yes, DeeDee. I know you’re pregnant.’ He paused. ‘I’m just sorry I won’t be there to meet my grandchild.’
�
�How did you guess? Was it obvious?’
‘Not to me, no, but I heard Nicola telling Aram.’
I struggled up from under the rubbish. We were far enough from Lakeside for it not to matter.
‘What? Aram knows?’
‘It seems so. Nicola was asking if he was going to give you something to help with the morning sickness.’
I grabbed the back of the seat in front of me and clung on tightly. ‘What did he say?’
‘He said he didn’t think it was necessary. I hope he was right and you’re not feeling too bad.’
Did that mean Aram wanted this baby? Why? I remembered him telling Alice that perhaps one day he would have a child, but the thought of him demanding access to my son or daughter scared me almost as much as his anti-sickness remedy. He must never find us.
Oblivious to the impact of his words, Dad carried on explaining what he’d done for me, and I tried my best to concentrate.
‘In the glove compartment are your birth certificate and your driving licence. There’s also a prepaid debit card. It’s not linked to any bank account, and I’ve loaded as much money onto it as I could. Once the money is spent, it’s no use. It’s in the name of India Kalu, so it’s for emergencies only.’
He took a deep shuddering breath, and I didn’t know whether it was emotion getting to him, or fear.
‘There’s something else. When we first won the money, before we met Aram, we put a lump sum into a trust fund for you. It’ll be paid out on your twenty-seventh birthday, but the trustees will need your bank details in order to transfer the money. Their address is with the other papers.’
I felt a stab of relief. ‘Thanks, Dad. I know I can’t get the money for nearly six years, but it’s reassuring to know it’s there.’
‘If it were up to me I’d change the terms so you could have it now, but I’d have to tell your mum, and we both know what that would mean.’
My relief changed to concern. ‘Will Aram be able to find out where I am when I claim the money?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. I know nothing about the law, sweetheart, but when the time is right you should ask a solicitor to contact the trust company. Tell them to keep your address – even the city you live in – a secret. You should be okay.’
Should. I didn’t like that word. He must never find me.
‘You’re right to be concerned about him. He’s not going to take this well, and when he knows you’re gone, he’ll be devastated. He’ll want you back, and he’ll probably report you missing to the police. He’ll say you’re vulnerable, that you’re mentally disturbed. No one at the house will dispute that, and you need to remember that the police can track you if you use the card or do anything using the name India Kalu.’
What I knew, and Dad didn’t, was that Aram might tell the police a whole different story about me – one that would make them far more eager to find me. The sheer horror of what was ahead almost made me beg him to take me back.
Dad must have heard me sniff, because I heard a faint groan.
‘India, my darling girl, please don’t cry. I hate this as much as you do, but listen carefully. The next bit is so important. There’s an envelope with some money in it. Find yourself somewhere to live and offer cash. Say you’ll pay two months in advance, until you get a bank account. You’ll have to change your name by deed poll. You can no longer be India Kalu – find another name. It’s easy – and legal. Now, about a bank account…’
I listened as he went over what I had to do so that the police would find it difficult to track me down, but how was I going to remember all these instructions?
Finally, Dad had finished. ‘Are you with me, DeeDee?’
Where was I going to go? It had all seemed so far away back at Lakeside – a day that might never come – but now it was happening.
‘How did you get the money for the debit card, Dad?’ I knew that wouldn’t have been easy for him, not after everything that had happened.
‘I may have been a fool, but some semblance of common sense made me keep some of our money separate. No one knows about this, not even your mum.’
Especially not her, I would have thought.
‘What am I going to call myself?’
‘I don’t want to know, and don’t tell me where you’re going. You know I would never voluntarily tell anyone, but – well – he has ways of finding things out, doesn’t he?’
He did indeed, as I knew only too well. ‘I’m scared, Dad.’
‘I know, sweetheart. You’re being incredibly brave, but for what it’s worth I think you’re doing the right thing. Just take care of yourself, try to stay under the radar, and you’ll be fine.’
The car was slowing down. We were nearly there. I would have to jump out of the Range Rover and into my new car – and I might never see Dad again. I was heading out into a world I didn’t know with no one to help me. And I was having a baby.
The car stopped, and I peered over the back seat at Dad’s tear-streaked face. He had aged so much in the last eleven years.
‘DeeDee, I know it’s going to be difficult for you, but you’re a clever girl. You can do this. Never forget, though, that Aram doesn’t like to lose. You’re different from all the other women. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’ll use every trick in his extensive book to get you back. He’ll even use your mother. If he finds out where you are, he’ll tell you she’s dying. He may even get her to tell you herself.’
I wanted to tell him about the bigger threat, about Leah, but I couldn’t.
‘I don’t want to leave you, Dad.’ I was sobbing, and he was trying his best not to.
‘I am so, so sorry, baby. I should have seen what was happening and understood what he was doing to us. But all I could see for years was your mother and how he somehow made her feel that her life had meaning. She was lost, and he made her better. And he worked on me too – humiliating me for my failures until I wanted to strive to be a better person, a better husband. And all the while I forgot to be a better father. I love you, DeeDee, and I’m more sorry than I can say.’
I didn’t want him to be sorry, or sad. I wanted to be the child who adored the tall warm-hearted man with laughter in his eyes and once again feel his strong arms pick me up, hug me, dance with me, carry me on his shoulders.
‘What’s he going to do to you, Dad, when he knows what you’ve done?’
‘I don’t know, child, and I don’t care. I should have got you out of there long ago.’
Little did he know that had been my plan too. Just over a year earlier Leah would have helped me get away. She could see what was happening and had offered to set me free. I should have listened to her. I should have been stronger.
‘You need to go, DeeDee. Stay safe, my darling.’
He walked round the back of the Range Rover, opened the tailgate and handed me a car key. I felt his arms squeeze me until I could barely breathe, and then he was gone. Back to the place I had once thought I would never leave, the home that felt both secure and threatening in equal measure.
60
Tom had decided to bend Philippa’s rules slightly and set off for Lincolnshire. She’d said not to leave until the local force had located Martha, but they were bound to find the car once the hire company’s system was working again, and the earlier they got there, the greater the chance of getting home that night so he could see Lucy.
‘I thought we’d have the location by now. Why’s it taking so long for them to sort out their bloody computers?’ he grumbled.
‘I told you – they’ve taken part of the system down for “essential maintenance”.’
‘On a Thursday!’
‘Apparently it’s a quiet day for them. The weekends – Friday to Monday – are chaos at this time of year, so they can’t touch those days. They do it overnight, but there’s a bug that’s taking longer to fix than they thought.’
Tom grunted. ‘I love computers most of the time, but sometimes they make our lives infinitely more complicated. Look
at that new app XO-Tech are creating. Imagine your phone predicting everything you’re about to do and pre-empting your actions? I think it’s bloody creepy. We’ll need an app to think for us soon. Do you know, I only realised a few months ago when I was talking to Lucy that most kids think “app” is a word. I suppose it is now. But she had no idea that it was short for “application”, as in “software application”.’
Becky turned towards him. ‘Really? I honestly didn’t know that.’
‘Erm – eyes on the road, Becky,’ Tom said, realising they were approaching a roundabout and Becky didn’t seem to have considered slowing down.
She grinned as she hurtled towards the junction.
‘Speaking of the brains behind the app, we can’t pin anything on Niall. His car’s clean, as is the house, and the lawyer in Manchester has confirmed it was definitely him she saw talking on his mobile. Let’s hope that when we catch up with Martha Porter we’ll get all our answers.’
‘Rob’s on his way too, isn’t he?’
‘Yep, he left half an hour before us to set everything up with the local team. He’s bringing Jenny Stillwell with him – she’s great in interviews.’
Tom’s phone chose that moment to interrupt them. He had the feeling it might be Philippa, somehow guessing that he had disobeyed her, but he was delighted to see it was Lucy.
‘Hi Lucy! It’s good to speak to you, and great to have you back in the country. I can’t wait to see you. How’s the jet lag?’
‘It’s okay. I would have been fine last night. Mum was fussing, but to be honest I slept from yesterday afternoon until this morning, so perhaps she was right. I’m dying to see you. And Louisa and Harry. I can’t wait to give him a cuddle. He was so tiny when we left, and Louisa says he’s laughing now and very funny.’
‘He is! We’re all looking forward to seeing you.’ Tom closed his eyes. ‘I have to tell you that I’m on my way to Lincolnshire for a case, but I’m hoping to be back tonight, love. I’ll do my best and I’ll let you know if there’s a problem. It’s rubbish timing and I’m really sorry, but I guess you’re used to it.’
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