Hunter
SOMETIMES I SHOULD SHUT MY MOUTH
I knew bringing up Brendan
wasn’t the most tactful thing
to do, especially on Christmas.
But sometimes Kristina makes
me so mad, I want to hurt her.
It’s stupid. She doesn’t injure
easily, at least not when the slaps
are verbal. When I mentioned
Brendan, she didn’t say anything
immediately. Finally she said,
I’m surprised he came back.
Surprised he’s still alive,
actually. He ripped off a lot
of people. Even worse than
he took advantage of me.
We were almost home by
then. I slowed enough to get
a few words in. “Don’t suppose
you’ll take some responsibility
for what happened that night?”
ANGER PUFFED
From her mouth in
abbreviated breaths.
What? You
want to
blame me
for getting
raped?
Oh
my
God.
And then she really
pissed me off.
Just like
a man.
Despite Grandpa
Bill’s obvious
uneasiness, I jumped.
“All men are not alike.
And, thank God, all
women are not like you.”
SHE HASN’T SPOKEN
To me since. Not that I care.
When we got home, she went
straight into the house and
retreated somewhere with
the boys. For all of ten minutes.
Then I noticed Donald join
Grandpa Bill in the family room.
He got a new game system
for Christmas. They’re playing.
I am helping Mom wash veggies
when David bops by with Sasha.
“Where’s Kristina?” I ask.
He shrugs. She went outside
to smoke a cigarette. Why
does she like those stinky things?
Mom answers, Tobacco
is addictive. Once you start
smoking, it’s really hard to quit.
I’ll never smoke, he decides.
Not if it makes you smell
like that. Come on, Sasha.
EVENTUALLY
Kristina comes back inside,
trailed by Jake and Misty,
who have just arrived bearing
gifts like Christmas magi.
They sweep into the kitchen,
Leigh close on their heels,
put the presents on the table,
chant a chorus of “Merry Christmas.”
Kristina heads straight for
the brightly wrapped boxes,
finds one with her name on
it. Ooh. Can I open it now?
Leigh stops her from tearing
into the Santa-and-puppy
paper. Why don’t we wait
for Scott to get back?
Kristina, who has managed
to ignore me completely,
reluctantly agrees. Nicotine
obviously can work wonders.
Jake goes into the family room,
and I hear him say, Grandpa
Bill! I didn’t know you were
here. Where’s your car?
Damn DMV wouldn’t re-up
my license. Said my eyes
don’t work so good anymore.
Hate to admit they’re right.
The banter picks up speed in
the kitchen as Mom and Misty
and Leigh and Kristina start
yakking girl talk. Enough, already.
I’m on my way to the family room
when the doorbell rings. Nikki?
She’s early, but that’s all good.
I swing the door open. “Nik!”
Autumn
THIS HOUSE IS INSANE
Insane, as in beautiful.
I stand on the front porch,
staring up at the tall doors.
Oak, with beveled stained glass.
I wait for the familiar tingle
in my fingers. But I don’t
feel close to panic. I reach
out. Ring the doorbell.
The door jerks open. Nik!
But I’m not Nik, whoever he
is, and the boy who is waiting
for him is confused. Uh …
Can I help you? He is older
than me by a year or two,
with mink-colored hair and
eyes an unusual shade of green.
We are related, but I’m not
sure how, and even less sure
of what to say. I start to back
away, but Trey takes over for me.
You must be Hunter. Wow.
I haven’t seen you since you
were a baby. Damn. I’m, um …
Is Kristina here, by any chance?
Hunter—my brother—nods an
“oh, okay” nod, turns, and yells,
Kristina! Someone’s here to see
you. Beyond him, amazing Christmas
decorations swag staircase
railings, and the scent of turkey
roasting and bread dough rising
makes my mouth start to water.
A woman comes to the door.
I have dreamed of this face,
only a younger version of it.
Kristina. My mother. Curiosity
lights her eyes, only to be
replaced by sudden wonder.
Trey, she says. What are you …?
Then her eyes fall on me.
AT FIRST
There is no hint of recognition.
I could be a Jehovah’s Witness,
passing out literature. But then,
a rain:
Memory search
Denial
Rewind
Inquiry
Puzzlement
Recognition
Surprise
Shock
Stunned
Acceptance
Autumn? Is that really you?
She comes forward, hand
extended toward my face.
Suddenly I don’t want her
to touch me. I don’t know why
not, except you don’t let strangers
touch you, do you? I step back.
Annoyance shadows her eyes.
So much for imagined reunions.
NOW IT IS HUNTER
Who rescues me. Autumn,
he says matter-of-factly. I always
hoped we’d meet one day.
Come in. It’s cold out there.
The house is full of people.
Thank goodness I’ve had a little
practice lately being around
a mob of not-quite-family. Lots
of introductions. Two aunts.
One uncle. A great-grandfather.
Another grandmother. Marie.
Three brothers. And my mother.
Everyone seems excited to see me.
I’m not sure how to feel in return.
Voices. Questions. Puppy feet.
Television, loud. Timer buzzers.
Oven doors closing. The whistle
of a teakettle. It’s all too much.
I ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
To the bathroom. Follow them
through a maze of halls and space.
This house is crazy. Compared
to Grandfather’s staid white
rooms, these are warm with wall
color, art, and hardwood floors.
I don’t know my grandmother yet,
but I feel her presence here.
She’s an author. I’ve seen her
books around
school, though
I’ve never opened one.
I wonder if I would have, had
I known how much they relate
to me. I think maybe not. Surreal.
I wander down a long hallway,
hung thickly with family photos.
Hunter in Little League. Kristina
as a teenager. And uh … me,
as a baby. I was here all along.
I need air. I cut through my grand-
mother’s office, go out a side door.
Summer
LOOKS LIKE THE PARTY’S STARTED
The driveway is choked with cars,
lined bumper-to-bumper against
the berms of piled snow. “Did you
do all that shoveling, Grandpa?”
He maneuvers the Lexus carefully.
With a little help from your brothers.
“Brothers? Plural? You actually got
the boys to work?” That’s a surprise.
Believe it or not, Donald has become
quite a good helper. David would still
rather play with the puppy, but he’s
getting better too. Consistency.
We could all use a little of that.
Grandpa noses the SUV against
the garage, and as we exit the car,
the office door opens. “Who’s that?”
The girl is a year or two older than me,
with thick copper hair tumbling loose
to her shoulders. She is not dressed
for snow. I have no idea, Grandpa says.
She stares up into the crackled
blue sky, lost in solitary reverie.
I am connected to her in some
unfathomable way. The door opens
again, and out comes my mom
with some guy I don’t know either.
They light cigarettes, and Grandpa
Scott says in a stiffened voice, Trey.
Everything clicks into place. Trey plus
Kristina equals, “Autumn.” My sister.
She pivots like a soldier on drill, goes
back inside. This day is full of surprises.
GRANDPA SCOTT SHIVERS
Cold out here. Let’s go inside.
But he creeps along, trying, I think,
to understand what this development
means. Trey has materialized, a ghost
of times best left unremembered.
And Autumn? What does she know
of those times? How much does
she really want to know? Still,
the little chills quivering through me
have nothing to do with air temp.
“I didn’t even know I had a sister
until a couple of weeks ago.”
Grandpa looks truly surprised.
Someone should have told you.
But so you know, Marie has been
trying to track her down for years.
I glance over at Mom and Trey,
who stand close to each other,
exhaling smoke into iced air.
“Why didn’t Mom ever tell me?”
Grandpa shrugs. I’ve never
quite figured Kristina out.
It’s almost like she fuels
herself on secrets and lies.
GRANDMA MARIE’S KITCHEN
Has always felt like sanctuary.
Some people might think
that’s a cliché, but compared
to any other kitchen I’ve ever
spent time in, this one is always
the gathering place. Warm.
Spice-scented. Spilling laughter
and conversation. Today there
is more. Today there is reunion.
And, for some of us, relationships
too new to quite comprehend.
Grandma Marie is at the counter
kneading dough. Aunt Leigh
and Aunt Misty play cards at the table.
Autumn hovers in a corner, trying
to make sense of what these women
mean to her. I know the feeling well.
Might as well try the direct approach.
“Hi, Autumn,” I call across the short
expanse of tile. My feet follow, until
I stand in front of her. “I’m Summer….”
SHE IS WARY
Like a caged cat, escaped,
but unsure of the wild lands
beyond the bars. I understand.
Already, we walk common ground.
It is tenuous turf, riddled with
the rifts and earthquakes of our
personal histories. We confess
scenes. Abbreviated clips.
With her soft Texas drawl
and faux hippie wardrobe,
on the surface she is nothing
like me. But just below the skin,
we find connection. I shudder
to think why that might be, because
our common denominator is
someone I don’t want to resemble.
Autumn and I talk for an hour,
while the house fills with holiday
cheer. I don’t know where we’ll go
tomorrow, but today there is communion
here, and now I have a sister.
There is power in that. Today
I am surrounded by family
and affection, uncluttered by need.
Hunter
SURPRISES
Are rarely good things
around here. Today they
are kind of a mixed bag.
Good: Meeting a sister I only
half believed existed.
Not-so-good: Meeting a guy I always
half blamed for Kristina’s
return to the monster.
Good: Watching Summer and
Autumn test the choppy
waters of sisterhood.
Not-so-good: Watching Kristina pay
more attention to Trey
than to her children.
Good: Seeing how well David
and Donald are coping
despite being ignored.
Not-so-good: Seeing that no matter
how some things change,
others never will.
THE BEST SURPRISE
Of the day was Nikki
opening her arms, allowing me
back into her life.
I have to remember how bad
being closed out felt.
I know we’re young,
that we have a long way to go,
and love has a way of
fading. I can’t promise her we can
keep ours alive, but
I can promise to give
it a damn good try. Temptation
is something I can’t
control. Flirtation is a whole
different thing.
As afternoon slants
toward evening and she hasn’t
arrived, anxiety nips.
What if she changed her mind?
Should I call her?
But then the doorbell
rings and I know it’s her and
now it really feels
like Christmas. Thanks, Santa,
for the best gift ever.
DESPITE HER MOM STARING
I pull Nikki into my arms, kiss
her like we don’t have an audience.
Then I notice the bags her mom
holds. “Let me take those for you.”
I peek inside. Eggnog and brandy.
This could prove an interesting
afternoon. I lead the ladies into
the kitchen. “Look who’s here!”
It is a busy place. Mom slices
turkey. Leigh mashes potatoes.
Misty spoons cranberry sauce,
trying not to trip over Sasha,
who sits, tail wagging at
the prospect of some offered
&nb
sp; tidbit. David obliges, slipping
her bits of roasted poultry skin.
Autumn and Summer have
tag-teamed the table setting.
Nikki and her mom see what
they can do to help. It might
be a scene right out of a Norman
Rockwell painting. Except,
of course, it isn’t. It can’t be.
Because this is our family.
Autumn
DINNER IS READY
My grandfather—Grandpa Scott,
he said to call him—has announced
that it’s time to eat. We all gather
at the table, which has two large
folding tables placed at one
end, and still we’ll all barely fit.
Once everyone has found a seat,
two chairs are too obviously empty.
Hunter goes to the door, calls loudly,
Kristina! We’re all at the table.
Are the two of you planning to join
us? Room service is closed.
His voice carries thinly veiled anger,
and his girlfriend shoots a warning
glance that says, Watch your temper.
Earlier, I heard Hunter talking
to Grandma Marie. Why is Kristina
outside? he asked. Why isn’t she
with her kids? Why can’t she just
act like a mom? Doesn’t she care
about them? Doesn’t she love them?
Grandma answered right
away, as if she’d thought about
the question many times before.
I think she wants to love them.
Wants to love all of you. But
she can’t. I told you how meth
eats into the brain. Well, the part
that gets chewed away is
the part that lets people love.
I think about that as Kristina
and Trey finally find their way
to the table. How sad if they
really aren’t able to love.
It explains a lot. But it also
raises more questions.
QUESTIONS LIKE
Why am I here?
What have I accomplished
by coming all this way?
I wanted to meet my mother.
Mission accomplished.
What does it mean?
We haven’t even spoken
to each other. My fault,
I guess. Should I have
run into her arms?
Do I open
my arms to her now?
She seems much more
interested in rekindling
things with Trey.
Does she care
at all about getting to
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