Only almost.
Declan gave a guarded smile as she sat down. He at least had the decency to look uncomfortable as she entered, but it did nothing to disguise the spark of admiration in his eyes when he saw her.
The chair Hester had hauled into the office for the interviews was way too low and instantly Lila regretted the short skirt, flashing rather too much stocking-clad thigh as she crossed her legs at the ankles.
‘Well,’ Hester began, her gaze flickering to Lila’s legs; her lips pursed as if she were chewing on a lemon. ‘It’s always rather difficult, interviewing current staff members for a position. However, it’s not only mandatory, it’s also merited. Particularly for such a senior position. There are a couple of issues I’d like to address in a formal setting before we make our decision.’
‘Of course.’ The bright smile Lila forced belied the dive her stomach had taken.
At first Hester busied herself with the basics—salary, duties, responsibilities—but all too soon the conversation turned.
‘My main concern, Sister Bailey, is that you are an extremely popular staff member.’
Lila looked her senior directly in the eye. ‘I would have thought that would have been an advantage.’
‘In some instances, of course. However, in the position you’re applying for there will be a need to discipline staff at times. Are you going to be able to do that?’
Lila took a deep breath. She had been expecting this question. As much as she wanted the job, there was no point in lying.
‘If there’s a problem I will most certainly address it, and when necessary take the matter further.’
‘But are you prepared to treat your colleagues as colleagues and not friends?’
Lila glanced over at Declan who was watching her closely. Almost imperceptibly he gave her a small nod of encouragement. It was the encouragement she needed.
‘I don’t see them as being exclusive of each other. I believe—strongly, in fact—that the team works better as friends.’
Lila paused, not for effect but to gather her thoughts. ‘I know you and I don’t agree on this, Hester. And I’m not saying that I’m right and you’re wrong. We have different styles of management and in my case I work better and deal with staff issues better by being friends with my colleagues.’
‘What if you caught a friend stealing?’
Heavens, Hester was such an optimist sometimes! Lila took a deep breath, physically forcing herself not to roll her eyes. ‘Then, of course, I’d address it. Firstly it would depend on what was being stolen. Obviously drugs would cause me rather more concern than a couple of sticky plasters.’
Not the right answer! She watched as Hester’s lips disappeared into her face. ‘If everyone employed in the hospital stocked up their first-aid boxes courtesy of the hospital, where would that leave the budgets?’
‘Taking anything is wrong, of course.’ Lila added hastily before she continued her answer. ‘First and foremost I’d try to find out the reasoning behind the stealing and what had driven them to do it, and on the basis of that information I’d make my decision as to the appropriate action.’
Hester looked far from mollified by her response, and Lila frantically tried to think of a more suitable answer but one that didn’t compromise her beliefs.
‘What would be your priority?’ It was the first time Declan had spoken, and Lila looked over at him again quickly, her brow furrowing at his question. But, like a mist clearing, she realised the appropriate answer he was feeding her.
‘My priority would always be the well-being of the patients and the safe running of the department. I would never compromise on that. I’m a nurse first.’
It was a good answer, or at the very least enough to set Hester shuffling the paperwork in front of her. ‘Well, Sister Bailey, I think we’ve covered everything. Dr Haversham, is there anything else you’d like to ask?’
Lila relaxed back in her chair a fraction, glad the painfully embarrassing procedure was coming to an end.
A foolish mistake.
‘With the other applicants we’ve discussed the impact such a demanding position might place on their personal lives…’ Lila felt her shoulders stiffen as Declan continued, his face impassive. ‘Or, more to the point, the demands their personal lives might have on this position. I’d like to hear from Lila if she’s given this any thought.’
Hester’s dismissive laughter should have come as a relief. ‘Oh, we don’t have to worry about that with Sister Bailey. She’s footloose and fancy-free.’
Lines she’d never before seen suddenly darkened in Declan’s forehead.
‘But surely her mo—’ The words died on his lips as he caught Lila’s anguished look from across the table.
Licking her dry lips, Lila broke in quickly. ‘As Hester pointed out, I don’t have a husband or children. I’m more than able to cope with the demands of the job.’
‘Then it seems that we’ve covered everything.’ Hester’s face twisted into an attempt at a smile. ‘We’ve still got a few more applicants to interview, but hopefully we shan’t keep you too long before we let you know the outcome.’ Standing, she offered her hand. ‘Thank you for your time, Sister Bailey.’
‘Sure.’ The handshake was cursory, an obvious conclusion to the interview, but as Lila turned and offered her hand to Declan there was nothing perfunctionary about the hand that gripped hers.
Daring to look up, she saw the dart of confusion in his eyes, the dearth of questions, the utter despair.
Walking past the staffroom, it came as no surprise as he ran up behind her.
‘Lila?’ She heard the question in his voice but kept on walking.
‘Lila, please. We need to talk.’
Turning slowly, she shook her head. ‘There’s nothing more to say.’
‘There’s plenty. Lila, they don’t even know, do they?’ When she didn’t answer he continued, his voice thick with emotion, ‘They don’t know about your mother. You go on about friendship, about comradeship, and your own friends don’t even know what’s going on in your life.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Hitching her bag up an inch on her shoulder, Lila made to go, but Declan wasn’t finished.
‘Well, I do.’
He was almost shouting.
Anxiously she cast a look around. ‘You’ve got interviews,’ she said. ‘You can’t just disappear.’
‘It’s lunchtime. Look, why don’t we go to the canteen, grab something to eat and try to sort things out once and for all?’
‘I have to get home, Declan.’ His eyes stayed on her and she knew he wasn’t going to give up without making a scene. ‘Just for five minutes, then.’
The canteen was fairly quiet. Most of the lunchtime traffic had been and gone and they moved uncomfortably along the counter, pushing their trays without speaking. Lila put a limp-looking salad on her tray and a cup of coffee. Declan chose a giant chocolatechip cookie and a huge half-litre bottle of cola. ‘I’m here till five.’ He shrugged as he caught her surreptitiously watching him pile up his tray. ‘I need the energy boost.’
They found a table in the corner and busied themselves opening boxes and wrappers, spooning in sugar—anything other than look at each other.
It was Declan who broke the uneasy silence.
‘I’m worried about you, Lila.’
When she didn’t respond he continued, ‘I know until a couple of weeks ago I hadn’t seen you in ages, I know I’m not part of your life any more, but it doesn’t stop me from being concerned.’
‘There’s nothing to be concerned about.’
‘You’ve changed, Lila.’
She gave a hollow laugh. ‘I seem to rather clearly remember you telling me that the problem was that I hadn’t changed. I was still the immature spoilt brat you knew of old.’
‘Please, Lila, I didn’t come here to row.’
‘Me neither.’ Taking a sip of her coffee, Lila leant back in her chair. ‘So in what way have I changed?
’
‘That’s what I’ve been trying to work out, but I can’t put my finger on it. You still like a laugh, you’re fun to work with, you’re actually a great nurse, the department really lifts when you’re in charge—’
‘But.’ He looked up sharply at her interruption. ‘I’m assuming there is one?’
‘Your sparkle seems to have gone.’ He grimaced slightly as he said it. ‘If that sounds really tacky I’m sorry, it’s the best I can do.’
‘Declan.’ With a sigh Lila finally looked up at him. ‘When we used to go out I was in my early twenties, I had a fantastic job, no responsibilities. My biggest decision was what colour lipstick to wear. It was pretty easy to sparkle then. But even then you never saw me at work, you just saw the lighter side of me. You’re seeing me now in charge of five staff and whatever patient comes through the hospital doors, I’ve got a sick mother, I’m eight years older…’
‘All of which I’ve taken into consideration, but it still doesn’t stop me from worrying.’ He hesitated before tentatively continuing, ‘Just how sick is Elizabeth?’
‘Why?’ Lila answered rudely. ‘Were you planning on sending a get-well card?’ He didn’t answer. In fact, he didn’t say anything, his question still hovering unanswered between them.
‘She’s not well at all,’ Lila responded finally.
‘Is she very confused? I mean, do you have to watch her all the time?’
Lila shook her head. ‘She’s a bit beyond that,’ she admitted reluctantly.
‘How far beyond?’
Her eyes travelled around the bland canteen, searching for a diversion.
‘Do you get any help?’
Her blue eyes finally met his, but only briefly. ‘Ted and Shirley have been great.’
‘I meant professional help. The district nursing service, carer support, that sort of thing.’
She didn’t like the way the conversation was heading. Didn’t like the probing nature of his questions. The truth, however rosily painted, could only lead to one conclusion. Elizabeth Bailey should be in a home.
Pushing away her uneaten salad, Lila picked her bag up from the floor. ‘Why the sudden concern about my mother, Declan? We’re not a couple. You made it clear the other night that you’re through worrying about me…’
‘We may not be a couple but we are colleagues. For heaven’s sake, Lila, we’ve got a few contacts between us. Maybe Yvonne could take a look…’
‘No.’ The word came out too loudly and a couple of curious faces turned in their direction. Flushing slightly, Lila lowered her voice. ‘It’s not as if you and Mum even liked each other. Why should things change now?’
‘That’s it, isn’t it?’ His eyes flashed angrily. ‘That’s the whole root of it.’
‘What?’ Lila shook her head, bemused, as he continued.
‘The fact your mother never did like me. It never sat right with you, did it?’
Lila shrugged then checked herself, remembering how much she hated that response in him.
‘No matter what I did, it was never quite good enough, was it? And you believed her when she said I wasn’t any good for you. You spent the whole of our relationship waiting for me to let you down, waiting for your mother to be proved right…’
‘I did not,’ Lila retorted furiously.
‘Yes, Lila, you did.’ Declan pushed his own plate away. ‘And the second I failed some imaginary test, the second I didn’t respond accordingly, you dumped me.’
For a second she thought he was going to walk out but he didn’t. Instead, Declan closed his eyes for a second, shaking his head slightly as if clearing his thoughts. ‘We didn’t come here for this,’ he said slowly, his voice even now. ‘Going over and over the past doesn’t solve anything. What we have to deal with is the here and now. How we’re going to work together, how we’re going to be colleagues and maybe one day friends even. But I can’t wave some magic wand and stop worrying about you, not notice the changes in you. And if I can help then I will.’
‘You can’t, Declan. And I’m not saying that because it’s you. No one can help. It’s my problem. Mum probably should be in a nursing home but I just can’t do that to her. It’s not going to go on for ever, I know she’s not going to be around for much longer. I just want to do the right thing by her for however long she’s got left.’ Lila’s eyes misted over. ‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe I did put too much credence in what Mum said about you. Mum was let down badly when Dad left, and in some way I guess her distrust of men affected me, but—’
‘Let’s not go there, Lila.’ Declan’s voice was suddenly gruff. ‘I really don’t want to argue any more. Will you at least think about talking to Yvonne? Surely some help is better than none.’ He glanced down at her hands as she poured yet another pile of sugar onto her spoon and slowly dunked it her coffee. ‘Why won’t you let us help you, Lila?’
As her spoon idly drifted to the sugar bowl again he caught her hand.
‘Why, Lila? What are you scared of?’
The flash of tears in her eyes, the tension lines that pursed her lips tore through Declan.
‘You want to know what I’m scared of?’ Her choking voice was almost a whisper as she gripped his hand tightly, her blue eyes lifting to meet his own. ‘I’m so scared that when the district nurse comes, when the physio and the social workers all descend and come to the natural conclusion as to where Mum should be…I’m scared that I’ll give in and agree. I’m scared that the light at the end of the tunnel will be so bloody bright I’ll cover my eyes and do the ‘‘sensible’’ thing. Scared that the chance of actually having my life back will be too hard to turn down.’
Lila didn’t swear, ever.
Until now.
‘Bloody’ was hardly big league, but to hear the expletive come from her lips he knew the depth of Lila’s despair, knew the agony behind her words.
‘I want to be there for you,’ he rasped. ‘Please, Lila, let’s sort this out together. Let me help you.’
She felt as if she’d been in prison for years, that the jailer was standing waving a shiny key, offering her a glimpse of life outside.
And she was tempted, so tempted to slip her hand between the bars and grab that key, grab her chance of escape. But that would mean running away—away from the responsibilities, away from the promise she’d made to care for her mother.
Declan might care, might think he could help, but how could he possibly know what he would be letting himself in for? Some day—not tomorrow, next week or next month even. Some day in the future there would be a party or a holiday or any tiny thing that would force the issue, force her to choose.
It took a superhuman effort to shake her head, to pull her hand back between the bars into the safety of her self-imposed jail.
‘All I want from you, Declan, is to forget what you know. I need your assurance that no one at work will find out how things are for me at home.’
‘And that’s all you want?’
‘That’s it.’ Lila stood up.
‘Lila, please, there’s something I need to say.’
With a sigh she sat down again, her bag still over her shoulder, ready to leave at any moment.
‘I’m not doing this because I want to get back with you.’
Her eyes lifted to his and he saw a flicker of confusion there.
‘I’m doing this because we work together, because of what we used to feel. As good as the other night was, it taught me one thing. We really are over. We don’t love each other, and it’s good that we both finally realise it. Now at last we can move on, stop feeling awkward around each other.’ He gave a small laugh as she fought to hold herself together. ‘And to prove my point, I’m even thinking of asking Yvonne out. I’ve never really looked at her before in that way but, well, she’s nice, and she seems to like me. It’s enough to be going on with.’
When Lila didn’t answer he carried on, his voice positive, assured. ‘Lila, we’re a couple of exes who happen to work together. It’s
no crime we don’t love each other. There just wasn’t enough there to sustain a relationship. But a friendship? Well, I think even we could manage that, a real one this time, though. Not the half-hearted effort of a couple of weeks ago.’
He gave a small smile and she managed a watery one back.
She had been waiting to rebuff him, to politely refuse his requests for another try. Not this!
Never this.
He was over her, finally and completely over her.
And it hurt like hell.
‘Friends help each other,’ he said softly.
She couldn’t look at him, terrified he would read the utter despair in her eyes.
‘Will you let me ask Yvonne?’
‘You don’t need my permission to date her.’
He gave her a nonplussed look. ‘I meant about arranging some services for your mum.’
Ouch! A deep blush started to spread upwards from her neck. ‘I really need to get home.’
‘Lila, at least say that you’ll think about it.’
‘I’ll think about it,’ she agreed finally, and with a small smile walked purposefully out of the canteen, managing to keep her composure along the endless corridor to the staff exit. Waving cheerfully at a couple of familiar faces, she finally made it to the solitude of her car.
Only when she was safely inside, with the ignition turned on and the radio blaring, did Lila let the tears start.
CHAPTER SEVEN
IT WAS a relief the department was busy that night. Too busy for Lila to think about her own problems and too busy for the awareness that usually descended upon her whenever Declan was around.
‘I’ve got Ambulance Control on the line, Lila,’ Sue called as Lila dashed past. ‘They want to speak to whoever’s in charge.’
‘Thanks, Sue.’ Tucking the telephone between her shoulder and ear, she handed Sue a plastic dish. ‘Cubicle three feels nauseous. Can you give her this? Declan’s written her up for some Maxalon if you get a moment.’ She returned her attention to the phone. ‘Sister Bailey here.’
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