"I don't think so," Jagger said slowly, really mulling over her words. "Love is you. It can't be anything else."
"You can love more than one person, you know."
"Can I?" he said, bringing her down to kiss him. She tasted of skin and warmth, her long hair falling onto his cheeks, and for a moment, like so many moments with her, he could pretend he wasn't the Heartless.
But the next evening, sitting alone with Sandu in a corner of the mess hall and drinking, Jagger felt himself relax. His hands weren't balled into fists, the ache that lived in his temple had left for a time, and he kept laughing. Days were once when he'd laugh less than once a month, and now he was doing it multiple times in one evening.
As the night drew longer and darker, and the hall's occupants ebbed and flowed in their comings and goings, Jagger felt his head light with drink. Usually, when he'd had as many ales as he had, he would descend into cycles of anger, guilt, and doubt. Even Raven couldn't help him then. But the lightness this time came with a whirring dizziness that made him feel buoyant and happy, and a recollection of the good times he'd lived through, few though they were.
"How'd you come here?" Jagger asked Sandu, his head leaning close.
"I was hired as a peddler."
"But how'd you come to be a peddler? It's a lonely life on the road, going where people don't want to go in winter. Why'd you do it?"
There was something distant in Sandu's eyes. His words slurred, "I...I need the coin. For my father. And for Tambrey. For the twins. If I can pay off my father's debt – my debt, really – then maybe I can go home."
"Tambrey? The twins?"
"My wife and children," Sandu smiled sadly. "Eaton and Elvy, a twin boy and girl. They're six this year. And Tambrey, the girl from the harvest who fell in love with me. I couldn't believe she wanted to marry me. And then she gave me children, both blonde like their mother."
Jagger couldn't picture Sandu with a wife and children, living in a little house with chickens in the yard. Normally, he wouldn't give a rat's ass about anyone else's miserable life. But this was Sandu. He asked, "What happened? Why'd you leave them?"
"She made me. The bairns were only about two when she threw me from the house. She said a blacksmith offered her a bigger house and more land to tend, promised he wouldn't gamble away everything he made, that he'd adopt the children as his own if I disappeared. Then the debt collectors came and Tambrey was done with me. She told the children and everyone else that I was dead." Sandu's head sunk to his chest, his eyes watering with memories. "I haven't seen them since. I was destitute, I'd lost everything I'd worked for, I hadn't a penny for myself much less for them. It had been so perfect. But I ruined it."
Jagger nodded. Without Raven, he'd have killed himself a long time ago. Or killed everyone else in the place. He couldn't imagine her forcing him to abandon their family, to claim him as dead to their children. The thought choked any words from his throat.
Sandu was still talking – rambling, more like – his words coming faster and more desperate. "I keep thinking, if I just make enough money, if I just prove myself, I can get them back. I'd ride in on Galen, with a new saddle and a nice wool shirt, a bag of gold at my hip. I'd free my father, and he'd come with me to that bastard's house, and I'd sweep Tambrey from her chair and lift her up. She'd smile and laugh and tell me how much she'd missed me, how the children begged for me each night, how the man she married was horrible to her and that she'd do anything to have me back. Sometimes I even think about changing my route to pass through Dunfrey so I can get a glimpse of them."
"Life can't ever go back," Jagger said, feeling more sage than he was. "You can't forget her giving you the boot, and she can't forget what you did to deserve it."
"I know. But maybe she can forgive. I already forgave her, a hundred times over. I've forgiven her for every cross word she spoke to me."
"But you've not forgiven yourself."
"No," Sandu said. "I don't think I ever can."...
...Jagger remembered that conversation from so long ago. That night, he'd gone up to his room and kissed Raven so deeply, she couldn't help but know how much he loved and appreciated her. He promised himself he'd drink less, for her sake. But then the fire came.
"Sandu took you from me," Jagger said to Raven's ghostly form. "He cried on my shoulder for losing his family – his own fault, too – and then took you from me. He don't deserve forgiveness, from me or anyone else."
Raven only looked sadly at him, then the mist swirled around her and she vanished. Jagger let out his breath, his hands shaking. I am going mad, he thought. And they say the only cure for madness is murder.
At last he spied a small camp just off the side of the road, its fire dying to embers and its three occupants stirring restlessly in their blankets. Their horse lifted its head but didn't make a sound. Jagger crept forward, the soggy grass underfoot dampening the sound of his footfalls, a knife already glinting in his hand.
Sandu moaned softly in his sleep, then turned away from Jagger, his hands unconsciously pulling his blanket tighter. The knife poised above the sleeping man didn't move, and Jagger hesitated. Sandu had done everything he had for the love of his family. Wouldn't Jagger have done the same and more to get Raven back? Hadn't Jagger already done worse in the name of revenge?
He looked up to see Raven watching him from the woods.
Slowly, very slowly, Jagger lowered the knife and stepped back. He went instead to the sleeping woman – bitch sliced me open – and grabbed her from her blankets. Her eyes flew open, and she struggled. Her splinted leg caught in the blanket. Jagger put his knife against her neck.
The other men startled at the noise and yelled, but they froze when they saw Jagger holding Cara. Sandu held up his hands.
"Jagger, please," Sandu said. "Don't hurt her."
With one hand holding the knife and the other squeezing Cara's hands behind her back, Jagger looked from Sandu to the stranger. "I won't. But I need somethin' from you."
"Kill me, but leave her alone."
"Oh no, I'm not goin'ta kill you yet," Jagger said, grinning. He adjusted his grip on the squirming Cara. "First you tell me what happened in Daggenhelm. Hm? Tell your little friends what happened there."
"He already told me!" Cara spat. "I know you blame him–"
"He lies," Jagger hissed in her ear. He looked to Sandu, and moved his knife so that the blade flashed in the firelight. "Tell her."
Sandu looked to his other friend, then faced Jagger and Cara. He ran his hands through his hair, and said, "I betrayed him, Cara."
Jagger's hands twitched. It felt so good to finally hear the truth from the traitor's lips. "Tell her more."
"He and his wife were my friends, but I was paid to find Jagger and kill him. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I sold them out to the Protectors. It's my fault they're all dead."
Cara stiffened in Jagger's hands.
"That can't be true," she whispered.
"And why are you with her?" Jagger asked. "Surely you're not the type to go adventuring for the joy of it."
Sandu's face fell, and guilt washed over him. It took everything in Jagger not to hoot in delight. Sandu said, "You're my next bounty. But I tried to give up the job. I didn't want to betray you, too."
"Betrayed his father, his wife and children, me and Raven, and now you, too," Jagger said in Cara's ear. "And now he's going to pay the price for it."
Jagger shoved Cara at the other man, and they crashed to the ground together. Cara let out a yelp of pain. Before Sandu could react, Jagger grabbed him. He held his knife to the traitor's neck and turned to the other two.
"I'm taking him with me," Jagger said. "If you try to follow, I'll kill him and then you, too. If you leave us, I'll let you live."
With Sandu at knifepoint, Jagger left the campsite and delved further into the woods with his prey. Once he found a hidden spot, he tied Sandu to a tree, then took out a knife and began to sharpen it. Raven's ghostly face stared sadly
at him, but he only smiled at it. Justice would be his. All would soon be right in the world.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Sandu
THE RAG IN Sandu's mouth tasted of sweat, dirt, and blood. His limbs cramped, held in place by rough rope. Sandu struggled a little, but knew it was fruitless.
Jagger knew how to keep his prey bound and ready for slaughter.
The sinister sound of knife scraping whetstone disturbed the otherwise peaceful night. Jagger sat nearby, intent on his work, his lank blonde hair hiding his face. The swamp around them was dark as a void, their small fire's glow only barely touching the tree trunks.
This is the night I die, Sandu realized. He slumped onto the ground, allowing himself to picture Tambrey and the twins, to remember their warmth and giggles and cozy home on the outskirts of Dunfrey. He cried as quietly as he could, grieving that Eaton and Elvy would never see him again, never know how much their father loved them. He thought of his father, stuck in the dungeons until the end of his days, unable to pay off his son's debt and live once more as a free man. The gag stifled the gasps that Sandu wanted to let out.
But he made enough noise for Jagger's head to snap up, his fierce blue eyes focusing on Sandu. Jagger stood, twirling the knife in his hand, and came around the fire. Sandu braced himself, ready for the cold steel. Do it quickly, please. Surely we respect each other enough to give me a quick death? Sandu shut his eyes.
"Look at me." Jagger knelt in front of Sandu, his face dark with the fire behind him.
Sandu peered up at his old friend, his throat closing up with fear. There was madness in Jagger's eyes.
Jagger stuck his knife in the dirt and removed the gag from Sandu's mouth before rocking back on his heels. Sandu licked his dry lips and spat out the rag's flavor. He dared not speak.
"I've had a lot of time to think about you," Jagger said in a strangely friendly tone, "during the deshes while I've hunted you. Imagined killing you. Lots of memories, too. We had a good time in Daggenhelm, didn't we? But now you're with new friends to betray for coin." Jagger stared into the woods. "I killed a whole Valadi tribe in my hunt for you. All of them Gallish bastards, no better than worms."
Jagger paused, then asked, "Why'd you do it?"
Sandu swallowed hard before he answered, "I needed the money for my father. But I've felt awful ever since, like I've betrayed my own family."
"Hm. Strange, that. I never felt remorse myself, though I am sorry for bringing Dilara into this." Jagger waved his hand distractedly. Jagger never apologizes for anything, Sandu thought. The tall man looked out into the swamp, but Sandu couldn't see anything. After a moment, Jagger said to the trees, "I'm doing what has to be done."
"What?"
"Hm?" Jagger plucked the knife from the ground and twirled it around. Sandu cringed away, his eyes following the moving blade. Jagger spoke as if he hadn't noticed Sandu's discomfort. "Raven liked you. She said once that I loved you, that you made me happy when even she couldn't. I didn't believe her."
Sandu tensed, sure that the blow would come any moment.
"I've had time to think about her, though, and you," Jagger continued. "I put the burden of my happiness on her, and she must have been so chuffed that you took some of it. You made me laugh for candles on end, and that's not something anyone else can claim. Not even her."
The knife spun and whirled through Jagger's fingers, but there was no anger, no hatred, in Jagger's voice. Madness lurked in his eyes, but it was of grief and resignation, the sort of madness only seen in those men who have found nothing in the world to live for.
Why did he go to these lengths to find and capture me if he doesn't mean to kill me?
"I've killed so many people," Jagger muttered. "Old, young, married, widowed, didn't matter to me. I was damn good at it, and it kept me and Raven fed and sheltered. I had my chance to kill you, and I didn't take it." His stricken eyes were haunting. "Why didn't I just kill you and be done with it, Sandu? Hm? Yours was just another throat to slit, something I've done more times than I've sung a song, and I couldn't do it. Listen to me, babbling on, when I haven't spoken this much since I was a kid. It's the end of my life, Sandu, and I think I've got some things to say before I go."
The fire flickered as a branch snapped in it. Sandu's heartbeat had slowed as Jagger spoke, and he licked his lips again.
"Do you believe that all the bad things in your life catch up to you eventually?" Jagger asked. "I didn't think the gods cared all that much for us down below; after all, I murdered my way through more years than some people get to live for. But maybe they were just waiting, biding their time for me to get my due punishment. They waited until Raven and I were near ready to leave the Shiv, to start our own lives away from all of that, and then they took her. You were just their tool. Well, I've learned my lesson. I'm done with it all."
Jagger leaned forward, his knife poised. Sandu gasped and tried to scoot back, but Jagger grasped him firmly on the back of the neck. Yet the cold slice into flesh never came. Jagger's blade swept through the rope, and Sandu was suddenly free.
Rubbing his arms and legs, Sandu inched away from Jagger. He froze as Jagger leveled the knife at his neck.
"There's one more thing you can do for me," Jagger growled. "I'm not goin'ta kill you, see? The gods took Raven from me, but they used you to do it. Wouldn't it be fitting for you to finish the job? Take husband and wife to Autorus." Jagger once again stared off into the trees. "Not much longer, love, and I'll be with you."
Sandu's mouth dropped open. He's really gone mad. He swallowed heavily, his normal witty replies dried up. What could he say? Sure, old friend, I'd love to off you! And what if he refused? Would Jagger kill him then?
Desperate to avoid any more guilt on his conscience, Sandu said, "Death isn't a way out anymore, Jagger. Look at the prowlers. Autorus isn't kind anymore to those wanting to pass through his gates. You could be stuck in an even worse limbo, far away from Raven's spirit. It's not the right way."
But Jagger ignored his pleas. Thrusting the knife handle into Sandu's unwilling hands, Jagger stood, his arms wide. "Strike quickly and be done with it. Let me die."
Sandu had no intent to kill him. With a quick movement he tossed the knife into the woods, then scrambled to his feet and said, "You need help, Jagger. You need a curate or a healer. I'm not going to kill you."
"Even now, you torture me further!" Jagger yelled back, dropping his arms. "There's nothing here for me without her. Can't you see that? There's n–"
Jagger stilled, his head swiveling, eyes widening. He took a step away from the fire and Sandu, his hands raised in a supplicatory way. He nodded, and said, "You're right. It'll be easier this way."
"Jagger..." Sandu moved closer to his old friend.
"Shh. Do you hear her? She's calling for me." Jagger's eyes glazed over, his whole body relaxing.
"There's nothing out–" Sandu started, but then he saw the ghostly form in the dark woods. The mist-folk. Rushing forward, Sandu grabbed at Jagger's arm. "It's the mist-folk, not her!"
Jagger threw him off as easily as a bear would a rabbit. "She's out there. She's beckoning to me." Turning to Sandu, he smiled gently. The expression was unsettling on his scarred, pockmarked face. "I'm ready to go to her."
Sandu protested and tried to stop him, but Jagger merely swatted him away like a fly before running into the dark forest. Sandu heard the crunch of fallen leaves and the squelch of mud as Jagger disappeared from sight. For a moment, Sandu stood still, warring with himself.
"Veck," he muttered before he dove into the forest after Jagger.
The large man didn't bother to be quiet as he plunged into the marsh. Sandu caught up with him quickly and shouted, "Jagger! Come back! Please. You don't have to do this."
Jagger turned, still with that strange, soft smile. Behind him, grasping hands emerged from the water, reaching for his old friend.
"Come on!" Sandu called. He clutched a branch and held out his other hand. "Take my han
d!" It felt all too familiar to losing Galen. Sandu blinked back tears and reached as far as he could go.
In the ghostly light of the mist-folk, Jagger almost looked radiant. He looked to Sandu, his blonde hair glowing, his blue-gold eyes holding no scorn or wrath. It looked like years had melted from him.
"Take my hand," Sandu urged again. "Please."
A warm hand rested on Sandu's arm. He twisted to see Raven, pale and lovely, her form ethereal. But she didn't look like the mist-folk; something was different about her. Sandu gaped, sure that he, too, had gone mad.
"Let him go," Raven said. "He must do this to find me again."
"But...you're dead," Sandu said. She nodded gravely and looked to Jagger. Sandu stared between them, feeling the warmth of affection that passed from living to dead. Raven walked to Jagger and rested a hand on his cheek.
"I'll see you soon," Jagger said.
She gently kissed him. "I wish it were so. When the blind man comes, say yes."
Sandu could only watch as Jagger closed his eyes and fell backwards into the swamp, the mist-folk pulling him under. He stared at the empty water, his grief catching in his throat. When Raven turned back to him, he asked, "Why did you let him die?"
"It was necessary. And for what it's worth, Sandu...I forgive you." Raven smiled at him, then vanished into the mist.
For a long time, Sandu waited by the edge of the marsh, sure that his friend would reemerge. But when no signs of life came, he trudged back to where Jagger had first brought him.
Silence filled the night save for the crackling of the lonely fire. Sandu slumped on the edge of the firelight, his throat tightening with a hundred emotions. Relief, anger, confusion, shock, grief; all warred inside his breast, each anxious to make itself known. He didn't know how Raven had come, or why she'd let Jagger die.
Sandu sat awake the rest of the night, feeding the fire and remembering all those he had lost. First his wife and bairns, then his father, now Jagger. And Cara knew the truth of his bounty, too. Even if he found her and Alex again, would she take him back? Or would she send him away as Tambrey had?
The Lantern-Lit City Page 25